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Old 03-30-2011, 09:26 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default New here, and need help please!

I just turned 27 and my boyfriend of almost 8 years will be 32 this year. We me when I was 19 and pregnant with my/our oldest who is 7. (He was there when he was born and has been there EVERYday since, unlike his biological father who isn't in his life.) We have a 4 year old son together as well.

Things were great for a long time. We went through TOUGH situations, when he was trying to find a job (he is an engineer) and money was super tight. We got through it though, and neither of us have EVER strayed from the relationship to anyone else.

It just seems as though after we had the 4 year old things started slowly spiraling down. The oldest has autism and that was tough with getting him to specialist, diagnosed and helped. I was on complete bedrest with the 4 year old. so here I am pregnant, on bedrest and had a special needs 3 year old. Wasn't easy. I did NOT lose the baby weight as easily as the first, actually I have gained and am the "biggest" I have ever been.

We barely talk now, if we have "relations" it's because I don't want to hear him complain. It's NOT because I am not physically attracted to him, because I am, but because of how junky our relationship is.

He works 8-5, comes home and does NOTHING. I ask him to do simple things, like unload the dishwasher, and he tells me it's my job, I am the housewife, I don't get a break, we don't have date nights (no one to watch the kids), I try to watch a movie with him and if it's one he picks out, he won't watch it with me. I ask him to spend time with me and he doesn't. I am trying to get him to go on a 3-4 days vacation with just US (as my parents could come down here and watch the kids) and he says he would rather as a family. We are going away as a family in July for a week. I am talking about US, a romantic getaway, ya know?

I feel like I have a roomate is what it comes down to. He says he lovesme though. I do small gestures for him, like buying him his fav. candy, or a random card, I get nothing.

He makes fun of me ALL the time. He says he doesn't it because he loves me, and if he stopped then there would be a problem. Even though he brings me to tears!

I just don't know what to do. My parents are still married, and I don't want to have my children deal with parents seperating.

If you got this far *hugs* Thank you!!!!!
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Old 03-30-2011, 09:42 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: New here, and need help please!

Sounds like he is selfish and uncaring. More than likely he was like this all the time, its just become more evident with everything else that is going on. Demand he carry some more weight around the house, we don't even have a dishwasher, and i buss the suds manually. Try to nip this in the bud as quickly as you can, the longer it last, the more resentment the BOTH of you will have towards one another, and this is what breads EAs. You have to be clear to him how he makes you feel, and how he needs to do more. In turn, you may find that there are things that is bothering him, that is preventing him from being more flexible. He may be holding back A because you aren't doing B. It might be as simple as him witholding himself supportively, because you've been slowing the sex down, whereas you've been slowing the sex down because he's been... you guys have probably put yourselfs into a loop.
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Old 03-30-2011, 10:11 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: New here, and need help please!

Rob is 100% right! This was my story, to a T, 10 years ago, with twins where one was diagnosed with autism and the other a much more serious illness that required monthly hospitalizations for many years.

I did EVERYTHING in that household; the kids, doctor appointments, cleaning, taking out the trash, dealing with vehicle problems, etc. My hubby worked 8-10 hours a day, came home, and was done. Checked out. I'm just seething for you, Pynk, because this is the entire root of my resentment and a big reason I just told my H I want a divorce.

You are beyond stressed out, and you need his help, but don't know any other way to ask him or force him to step up, and you probably feel like even if he did help it would be forced and he'd make you feel bad you asked him.

Unfortunately, I have no answers for you, because by the time my H realized what he'd done it was too late for us. I don't care that I have two special needs kids and a 3 year old. I did everything for them myself and I can keep doing it by myself. Getting rid of the problem (H), is just one less stress issue for me to deal with.

In his defense, I do need to say that this was 10 years ago, and just in the past few months he's changed his ways, mostly because he is disabled and home 24/7 now, and can see how much work I do, but at this point the resentment has built up and it's too little too late.

I hope you can get your H to step up one way or another, Pynk, or you WILL end up like us. You can only take so much for so long before you break.
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