General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
Re: Lack of Affection/Sex Enough to Derail a Marriage?
Quote:
Originally Posted by rotor
Youngstown,
I went through the exact same thing except I have been married for 24 years. The last dry spell was over 5 years. I tried everything imaginable over the years with no results.
Eventually I came to realize why. In short it was because I was dealing with a very childish, self absorbed, selfish person with a complete lack of empathy for others hidden under that mask of sweetness and that I already 'was' meeting her "needs" which is why things never changed. It's the old story of "If it doesn’t directly affect me it doesn’t really matter."
Anyway, Long story short, wifey found the miracle cure the second I told her I wanted either an open relationship where she could keep doing or not doing whatever she wanted and I could get my needs met or a separation so that I could move on.
Good Luck,
rotor
rotor -
my stbxw (26 years together) started missing me once I was gone, but as my big sister pointed out she certainly didn't seem to want to spend any time with me when I was living with her.
You wrote In short it was because I was dealing with a very childish, self absorbed, selfish person with a complete lack of empathy for others hidden under that mask of sweetness
I could use these words to describe mine, though I would explicitly add narcissistic.
Re: Lack of Affection/Sex Enough to Derail a Marriage?
Here's a good description of such a woman. I worked with a pretty woman in her mid-20s once who told me that she helped her husband with the yardwork. I asked what she did, and she said that every week when he went out to mow and do yardwork, she brought her folding lounge chair out and sat on the driveway with a drink and a magazine.
Re: Lack of Affection/Sex Enough to Derail a Marriage?
The thing that always confuses me is that all the divorced people I know still consume their days being angry at their exes. First off I don't want to hear about it. Second, who ****ing cares? You dumped THEM!
Re: Lack of Affection/Sex Enough to Derail a Marriage?
Quote:
Originally Posted by ThinkTooMuch
rotor -
my stbxw (26 years together) started missing me once I was gone, but as my big sister pointed out she certainly didn't seem to want to spend any time with me when I was living with her.
You wrote In short it was because I was dealing with a very childish, self absorbed, selfish person with a complete lack of empathy for others hidden under that mask of sweetness
I could use these words to describe mine, though I would explicitly add narcissistic.
That doesn’t surprise me a bit that she missed you after the fact. It's funny how that works.
Ironically I was consciously describing narcissistic traits but was avoiding the word since it is too often confused with full blown NPD
But I’ll take it a step further and go far enough to say that IMHO narcissism is the root issue at hand in a lot of these cases. That's why "the talk" never works and just resets the clock. Why would it? You are dealing with someone who is living in their own private Idaho full of their own delusions and rationalizations so how could you ever expect to be heard? That's why you have to reduce things down to something they can understand which is actions and consequences.
Re: Lack of Affection/Sex Enough to Derail a Marriage?
I broached the issues this wknd with a more dire consequence "approach".
I just have a problem kind of making an ultimatum. But when I did give the sense that it was fix things or we're done, her back certainly got up 50 ft high.
Surprisingly after I assured her that was not the case, it was not an ultimatum, she seemed like a scared little girl and asked me if I was going to leave.
So jekkyl and hyde reactions. It was a bit of a look into how things might go should I take it to the end. Well maybe not! Either she will be in a fighting mood or try to stop me from leaving. Oh well...back to the fun.
Re: Lack of Affection/Sex Enough to Derail a Marriage?
I am so far past threats and ultimatums. They don't work. I wonder if they really should have to work. I mean threatening your spouse if she doesn't screw you ~~ how messed up is that?
Re: Lack of Affection/Sex Enough to Derail a Marriage?
Quote:
Originally Posted by youngstown
Surprisingly after I assured her that was not the case, it was not an ultimatum, she seemed like a scared little girl and asked me if I was going to leave.
So jekkyl and hyde reactions. It was a bit of a look into how things might go should I take it to the end. Well maybe not! Either she will be in a fighting mood or try to stop me from leaving. Oh well...back to the fun.
Be careful and go slowly... don't let your guard down, don't cave when she gives you the 'scared little girl' act... I hate to be pessimistic, but it may be just a way of getting you to back down.
Stick to your guns and don't give in. At the same time, don't be selfish and inconsiderate. Yes, it's a fine line to walk and sometimes it's also a really hard line to see, which makes it even more difficult. But the most important thing is that no matter what, you can't back down until you start to see some substantive and enduring change in her behavior in your relationship.
Like I said before, you can help yourself out with that by doing the best you can to take care of yourself... No matter what may ultimately happen, you'll be putting yourself in a better place for any improvements in your relationship with her, and in a better place for yourself if you do end up divorcing and having to move on with your life.
Re: Lack of Affection/Sex Enough to Derail a Marriage?
She has zero interest in fixing this. Just in wearing you down so you give up trying to get her to make an effort.
Notice you got a reaction that was all about her. Not once did she ask "what do I need to do to make YOU HAPPY". It was ALL ABOUT HER. That isn't going to change until she sees you packing. Is that the basis you want for getting temporary decent treatment?
Quote:
Originally Posted by youngstown
I broached the issues this wknd with a more dire consequence "approach".
I just have a problem kind of making an ultimatum. But when I did give the sense that it was fix things or we're done, her back certainly got up 50 ft high.
Surprisingly after I assured her that was not the case, it was not an ultimatum, she seemed like a scared little girl and asked me if I was going to leave.
So jekkyl and hyde reactions. It was a bit of a look into how things might go should I take it to the end. Well maybe not! Either she will be in a fighting mood or try to stop me from leaving. Oh well...back to the fun.
Re: Lack of Affection/Sex Enough to Derail a Marriage?
based on my experience and detailed discussions with others in similar circumstances, you have the best approach outlined below. nothing changes in these situations without action. most respond as described below. those that don't are beyond repair.
Quote:
Originally Posted by rotor
Youngstown,
I went through the exact same thing except I have been married for 24 years. The last dry spell was over 5 years. I tried everything imaginable over the years with no results.
Eventually I came to realize why. In short it was because I was dealing with a very childish, self absorbed, selfish person with a complete lack of empathy for others hidden under that mask of sweetness and that I already 'was' meeting her "needs" which is why things never changed. It's the old story of "If it doesn’t directly affect me it doesn’t really matter."
Anyway, Long story short, wifey found the miracle cure the second I told her I wanted either an open relationship where she could keep doing or not doing whatever she wanted and I could get my needs met or a separation so that I could move on.
Re: Lack of Affection/Sex Enough to Derail a Marriage?
Lack of Affection/Sex Enough to Derail a Marriage? YES YES and YES!
Once a week is not bad in the least. I could only wish i were getting it once a week! now once a month is another story.
As people get older their priorities change. My husbands top priority 6 years ago was sex @ #1 on his to do list. Now it not on the top 10 or even 20 to do list. for me sex/affection has always been in the top 5 with sex being #1.
Talking does very little to help the situation, in my experience anyway. The time inbetween seems to get longer and longer every time i bring it up. It will not get any better you will have to learn to compromise (I really hate that word.) or leave.
I have invested almost 14 years in my marriage. SO i know what you mean. It is hard to leave after you have put yourself in a relationship for so long.
I agree with MEM:
Notice you got a reaction that was all about her. Not once did she ask "what do I need to do to make YOU HAPPY". It was ALL ABOUT HER. That isn't going to change until she sees you packing. Is that the basis you want for getting temporary decent treatment?
My h does this to me too it is always all about him!!
Re: Lack of Affection/Sex Enough to Derail a Marriage?
Quote:
Originally Posted by youngstown
I have been married 8 years. I come from a very affectionate family upbringing, and have a high sex drive.
My wife comes from a dysfunctional upbringing and is not very affectionate. We have talked about this as a problem for me over the years. Things have never really changed, and it is usually me instigating anything in this department.
The same goes for sex. My wife takes medication that affects her sex drive, possibly, and also just has a lower sex drive. We have spoken at nausea about this as well. It has never changed. I always instigate, and even though we have no kids, once a week is pretty much the norm, maybe even once every two weeks.
Unfortunately both these issues are huge to me. Even though we have spoken about them, nothing ever changes.
In regards to sex, I have suggested seeking medical opinions/help or counselling. My wife has said no to both.
In regards to affection, it confuses me as to why she cannot be more affectionate if she really does love me. If she is attracted to me, but her constitution is not to be extra affectionate, would not my discussions of how important to me stir her on to change?
Perhaps I am asking too much. But both of these topics are making me seriously consider the future. I am at my end. Are my expectations just that out of whack? Are these two things just something I should accept as negatives in the relationship and move on and be happy? Any comments would be so appreciated.
YT
It's true that sex is an important thing in a relationship. I like describing it as a seal of mutual ownership. That's why one partner feels jealous if upon suspecting they are being cheated on.
Having said this, I believe all is not lost in your relationship. Strong relationships are formed by each partner stepping from their hard line positions to help each other overcome some of the common setbacks that stand against the bliss.
Sex is not a factor for a happy relationship. It is a result of it. It is not just a right to claim. It is a free will give and take act, arising from an existing friendship. Sex without friendship is a selfish, one sided act that does not meet its purpose. Try to work out some ways to improve confidence and be good friends with her. Strain or stress is another thing that can badly affect sex. Make sure she is not being overworked, or over concerned about certain issues in life. I hope she is not nearing menopause. This is another moment that women develop cold feet for sex. One of the reason behind this being the gradual narrowing of the sexual organ that may result into having painful sex. Whatever the case, I believe you will get out of it. Quitting is not the solution here. By quitting, you might be jumping from the frying pan to the fire.
Re: Lack of Affection/Sex Enough to Derail a Marriage?
Alphan,
The issue here isn't sex at all. It is a partner who is selfish and indifferent to their spouses needs. I predict the marriage would last less than 6 months if he stopped meeting her number one need.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Alphan
It's true that sex is an important thing in a relationship. I like describing it as a seal of mutual ownership. That's why one partner feels jealous if upon suspecting they are being cheated on.
Having said this, I believe all is not lost in your relationship. Strong relationships are formed by each partner stepping from their hard line positions to help each other overcome some of the common setbacks that stand against the bliss.
Sex is not a factor for a happy relationship. It is a result of it. It is not just a right to claim. It is a free will give and take act, arising from an existing friendship. Sex without friendship is a selfish, one sided act that does not meet its purpose. Try to work out some ways to improve confidence and be good friends with her. Strain or stress is another thing that can badly affect sex. Make sure she is not being overworked, or over concerned about certain issues in life. I hope she is not nearing menopause. This is another moment that women develop cold feet for sex. One of the reason behind this being the gradual narrowing of the sexual organ that may result into having painful sex. Whatever the case, I believe you will get out of it. Quitting is not the solution here. By quitting, you might be jumping from the frying pan to the fire.
Re: Lack of Affection/Sex Enough to Derail a Marriage? 
