Lack of Affection/Sex Enough to Derail a Marriage?
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Old 03-30-2011, 05:01 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Lack of Affection/Sex Enough to Derail a Marriage?

I have been married 8 years. I come from a very affectionate family upbringing, and have a high sex drive.

My wife comes from a dysfunctional upbringing and is not very affectionate. We have talked about this as a problem for me over the years. Things have never really changed, and it is usually me instigating anything in this department.

The same goes for sex. My wife takes medication that affects her sex drive, possibly, and also just has a lower sex drive. We have spoken at nausea about this as well. It has never changed. I always instigate, and even though we have no kids, once a week is pretty much the norm, maybe even once every two weeks.

Unfortunately both these issues are huge to me. Even though we have spoken about them, nothing ever changes.

In regards to sex, I have suggested seeking medical opinions/help or counselling. My wife has said no to both.

In regards to affection, it confuses me as to why she cannot be more affectionate if she really does love me. If she is attracted to me, but her constitution is not to be extra affectionate, would not my discussions of how important to me stir her on to change?

Perhaps I am asking too much. But both of these topics are making me seriously consider the future. I am at my end. Are my expectations just that out of whack? Are these two things just something I should accept as negatives in the relationship and move on and be happy? Any comments would be so appreciated.

YT
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Old 03-30-2011, 05:11 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Lack of Affection/Sex Enough to Derail a Marriage?

The sex will eventually become nonexistent. My husband and I went from having sex once a week to once a month to whenever now. The sex thing will get worse and you will feel like you don't want to beg her for some so you'll give up. The affection you might be able to work on though.
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Old 03-30-2011, 05:17 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Lack of Affection/Sex Enough to Derail a Marriage?

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Perhaps I am asking too much. But both of these topics are making me seriously consider the future. I am at my end. Are my expectations just that out of whack? Are these two things just something I should accept as negatives in the relationship and move on and be happy? Any comments would be so appreciated.

YT
Nope, nope, nope. You should take action to get what you want now because it's not going to get better and it's not going to go away. I'm not big on quitting but it is a valid option. If you stay, you have to work on getting what you want. You have 8 years going for you and you have an in-depth knowledge of your partner. You need to work persistently to accomplish you goals
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Old 03-30-2011, 06:13 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Lack of Affection/Sex Enough to Derail a Marriage?

The definition of insanity is doing the same things over and over but expecting a different result. My dh wasn't interested in sex with me but I took the initiative to fix it (it was my problem). If nobody makes an effort it only gets worse. Mine was getting worse too until I started changing.
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Old 03-30-2011, 07:13 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Lack of Affection/Sex Enough to Derail a Marriage?

You are NOT wrong for wanting sex more often. Women often fail to realize how importance sex and affection is, until their man leaves or strays. The fact that your wife refuses to seek help, shows that she doesn't care. Perhaps she shows her love in different ways than you like to receive it.
My husband was very cold when I met him; he came from a reserved WASP family. I kept kissing him, hugging and complimenting Mr.G until he became warmer. That was when we were dating. Now I get passionate kisses as greetings and he says "I love you" every day.
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Old 03-30-2011, 08:14 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Lack of Affection/Sex Enough to Derail a Marriage?

I'm sorry you are going through this.

I agree with everyone, it will not get better on its own. As they say, sex is a small part of a happy marriage, but if its bad, its everything. Something along those lines anyway.

Assuming you have a solid relationship otherwise, I think it would be a shame for her not to explore counseling, it might benefit in other areas. Perhaps you could suggest a truce of sorts....no sex pressure, let the issue lie for awhile if you both are willing to work on the issue from a different angle (as in seeing a doc, counselor, together, separate, whatever).

Perhaps that would give her an incentive, if only to get you to stop nagging (pardon the term). She may start counseling for that reason, but I suspect she will continue for the bigger picture.

fyi - I had a difficult episode in my life and after many years finally decided to pick up a few books on the subject due to my bad dreams. LSS I only wish I would have done so sooner, it was one of the best things I ever did for myself.

Good luck, Leah
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Old 03-31-2011, 11:06 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Lack of Affection/Sex Enough to Derail a Marriage?

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The sex will eventually become nonexistent. My husband and I went from having sex once a week to once a month to whenever now. The sex thing will get worse and you will feel like you don't want to beg her for some so you'll give up. The affection you might be able to work on though.
I have had bouts where I just did give up asking, for like a month at a time. Difficult with a high sex drive to hold out though! Catch 22. But I agree, there are times where I just get tired of asking all the time, and bringing up the fact we don't make enough time for sex.

I have asked this before, and others seemed to agree, that 38 yr olds without any kids prob would be having sex greater than once a week. That is supposed to be one of the benefits of no kids! lol And I am constantly initiating. And usually delayed, and that is when once a week turns into once every two weeks. Mainly though, once a week. Which I still think is low.

I am super attracted to my wife, and once a week just doesn't cut it.
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Old 03-31-2011, 11:10 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Lack of Affection/Sex Enough to Derail a Marriage?

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You are NOT wrong for wanting sex more often. Women often fail to realize how importance sex and affection is, until their man leaves or strays. The fact that your wife refuses to seek help, shows that she doesn't care. Perhaps she shows her love in different ways than you like to receive it.
My husband was very cold when I met him; he came from a reserved WASP family. I kept kissing him, hugging and complimenting Mr.G until he became warmer. That was when we were dating. Now I get passionate kisses as greetings and he says "I love you" every day.
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Do you really truly believe that since she refuses to seek help, that she doesn't care? Because I think exactly this, but never have said it. I understand medication might be causing it, or just a low sex drive. But if it is an issue I keep mentioning, and the importance to me and our relationship, would you not make the effort to seek counselling/doctors opinion? If I flip this around, and I am the one not interested. Well, I cannot fathom not seeking some guidance from a 3rd party, if my significant other has stated how big of an issue it is.
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Old 03-31-2011, 11:12 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Lack of Affection/Sex Enough to Derail a Marriage?

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The definition of insanity is doing the same things over and over but expecting a different result. My dh wasn't interested in sex with me but I took the initiative to fix it (it was my problem). If nobody makes an effort it only gets worse. Mine was getting worse too until I started changing.
Perhaps since nothing has changed much over the last years, I should state things in a more dire tone. That I am considering leaving? I do not know how else to get my point across.

We have great discussions on both sex and affection. But there is never any sustained changes. I do not know any other options at this time to get my point across.

I have turned miserable lately, and that has affected the relationship. And it is because of the above. It just has pushed me to the breaking point.
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Old 03-31-2011, 11:43 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Lack of Affection/Sex Enough to Derail a Marriage?

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We have great discussions on both sex and affection. But there is never any sustained changes. I do not know any other options at this time to get my point across.
It's sad, but you have answered your own question. She has no desire to change. Period. She came from a family in which affection was not shown. She's comfortable with the status quo.

If this is a deal-breaker for you, and it sounds like it is, then you have to decide whether to stay and be miserable, or leave.

After we invest ourselves in a relationship, it is difficult to end it, not to mention painful. As I have said before, when the pain of staying exceeds the pain of leaving, we will go.
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Old 03-31-2011, 11:57 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Lack of Affection/Sex Enough to Derail a Marriage?

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It's sad, but you have answered your own question. She has no desire to change. Period. She came from a family in which affection was not shown. She's comfortable with the status quo.

If this is a deal-breaker for you, and it sounds like it is, then you have to decide whether to stay and be miserable, or leave.

After we invest ourselves in a relationship, it is difficult to end it, not to mention painful. As I have said before, when the pain of staying exceeds the pain of leaving, we will go.
So do others feel the same on the affection issue? If you grew up in an environment that wasn't affectionate, would it be impossible to change? If your spouse mentioned they really need to be shown that, would you be able to change and become affectionate even though you never were that type of person?

Would you make an effort for sex more than once a week? Because my answers to both of these are definitely. If I valued the relationship, I would make efforts to rectify.

That investment is the hard part. I cant get past the investment of 8yrs, and then throwing it away. Very tough to get over that fence, yet, being miserable for the next 40 yrs will be much worse.
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Old 03-31-2011, 12:11 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Lack of Affection/Sex Enough to Derail a Marriage?

If she's not willing to take some steps to address the issues, then the odds of things changing are pretty slim. I don't know that it's "impossible" to change, but it's just not going to happen on it's own.

With regards to sex more than once a week... I would likely have been "ok" with that in my marriage, although not really happy. When it became once every couple of weeks, or once a month, then it really started to stick in my craw. It was one of several reasons for me leaving my wife.

A marriage without affection and/or sex is at best a friendship, in my opinion. It's not what was agreed to in most people's wedding vows.

C
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Old 03-31-2011, 02:17 PM   #13 (permalink)
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If she's not willing to take some steps to address the issues, then the odds of things changing are pretty slim. I don't know that it's "impossible" to change, but it's just not going to happen on it's own.

With regards to sex more than once a week... I would likely have been "ok" with that in my marriage, although not really happy. When it became once every couple of weeks, or once a month, then it really started to stick in my craw. It was one of several reasons for me leaving my wife.

A marriage without affection and/or sex is at best a friendship, in my opinion. It's not what was agreed to in most people's wedding vows.

C
That is also my concern. That maybe once a week is not that bad, and my expectations are skewed.

When I "signed" on for the marriage, both of these issues were not that bad. The affection wasn't great, but it was still early. We have had good discussions on both topics over the years, but nothing has changed. So now it has come to a boil for me.

Before walking away, I am concerned that maybe it is just my expectations that need adjusting.
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Old 03-31-2011, 02:21 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Lack of Affection/Sex Enough to Derail a Marriage?

I would not mind a roommate if she were a roommate I wouldn't evict tomorrow if she were a real roommate. Right now she's downstairs on hour 2 of her latest phone conversation today. It's after 2pm she has yet to say hello or clean up her mess in the kitchen from yesterday. I am glad she got the tax filings sent off to the accountant, but that was last week. Are you rested enough from that yet, honey?
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Old 03-31-2011, 03:03 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Lack of Affection/Sex Enough to Derail a Marriage?

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That is also my concern. That maybe once a week is not that bad, and my expectations are skewed.

When I "signed" on for the marriage, both of these issues were not that bad. The affection wasn't great, but it was still early. We have had good discussions on both topics over the years, but nothing has changed. So now it has come to a boil for me.

Before walking away, I am concerned that maybe it is just my expectations that need adjusting.
I wasn't saying what I did to minimize your situation. I'm also 43 years old, and I suspect you're quite a bit younger than that. Also had kids running around for the last 12 years too... All I can say is that it's likely to get worse, not better. At least without someone making an effort to change, and that's what seems to be missing. A desire to make changes.

C
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