Staying in a Loveless Marriage
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Old 03-31-2011, 11:20 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Post Staying in a Loveless Marriage

Are you wondering about staying in a loveless marriage? There are a number of people that are living in unhappy "loveless" marriages that are looking for a way to simply maintain the relationship that they have. Everyone has their own ideas about what this type of marriage does or doesn't offer. Loveless can mean a variety of things to different people. Some people think it means no sex while others believe that it means that there is no affection or intimacy whatsoever. There could be regular sex in a marriage, but there could be a lack of emotional closeness that was once present from one or both people. It can be said that each spouse is just merely living together and not in a happy marriage.

There are many times where people stay together in a marriage because they don't want their children to be affected in a negative manner. There are also instances where money may make you stay in a marriage. There are even circumstances where you could be a person that has taken your vows seriously and have decided that you want to make your marriage work. There are ways to get through a marriage that is deemed to be loveless. However, it should be noted that everyone deserves to be happy and you do not have to live in a loveless marriage. You can change a loveless marriage into one that can be happy and very fulfilling.

Your Marriage is Your Marriage and No One Else's: I would like to begin by saying that I do not like the term loveless marriage. This term makes it seem as if the spouses never even cared for each other at all or that the possibility of establishing love is not possible. This makes it very difficult for you to begin to bring love in to the marriage. It is better to acknowledge that your marriage is not at its best right now and that you will have to take effort to make it work. The intimacy issues can be fixed. Stop thinking that your marriage is loveless and begin taking steps to fix it.

It is very important that you stop caring what other people think about your marriage. Your personal life and marriage are for you to focus on and no one else. There may be many entities that will have people believing that if you do not show affection all the time with your spouse than there are obviously marital problems. This is understandable as people that have committed to be married do have a close connection that is deeply rooted in love and intimacy. However, if any of these traits are missing from your marriage at this point it does not mean that your marriage is doomed or that you cannot reclaim your marriage. You just need to focus more on implementing these traits into the marriage. Stop worrying about how others perceive your union and begin the process of fixing it so that you and your spouse can be happy. Don't allow people on the outside to determine what you need to do to make your marriage a happy one.

Don't Settle For a Loveless Marriage: There are many people that choose to remain in a marriage that is without love either because they want to avoid hurting someone or they are doing it in the best interest of the children. The truth is that both the children and your partner are aware that something is amiss. It is very important to note that children are aware of the lack of affection between their parents and if they are raised in such an environment are more likely to fall into the trap of having a marriage that is devoid of love also. Counseling professionals often note that one of the most important things you can give both yourself and your children is the sight of two people that really love one another. This piece of advice should not be taken lightly at all as it is very true that children model what their parents show them.

In many ways, parents are the ones that show their children how to live their lives. You must remember that your children are being provided with an example of how to live their lives each day, and they will take this with them into adulthood. Children are able to see that their home is different from other people's homes, and ultimately this will affect the way in which they are able to form and maintain relationships with others. Growing up in an environment that is devoid of love can deeply affect children in the future.

This is in no way being said to make you feel bad about your home life or to say that your children are not being raised properly. This is a being revealed in order to make it very clear that your actions could very well be affecting your children on a level that you don't comprehend.

Rescuing a Loveless Marriage: If you are reading this article it is because there are obviously issues in your marriage which revolve around there being a lack of love and affection. Perhaps it feels like both of you are just in a routine and there is no spontaneity or time for affection. However, this can be stopped, but someone has to take the initiative and it might as well be you since you've taken the time to find information on this topic. It may make you feel a little uneasy being the one to mention the lack of affection, but it is better to address the problem in order to make things better.

There are two things that you can do. One of them is to simply tell your spouse that the lack of affection and intimacy in the marriage is a concern of yours and you want to improve things substantially. You should really try to emphasize that you want this to be something new different and exciting that you can work on together so that it doesn't sound like a chore. This conversation is the beginning of any steps you will take to add more intimacy to your marriage.

You can also begin the process of changing the marriage by changing the way you act. In the end the only person that we really can control is ourselves. If you want a more intimate marriage than it is necessary for you to begin the process. Start slow and simply. Doing such things as holding your spouse's hand, laughing together or touching him or her lightly can be done without feeling awkward or feeling pressured. Take your time in the beginning and then gradually build to the levels of intimacy over time until it becomes natural.

Being Happy for Yourself: It is always very important for you to also look at your own personal happiness while working on improving your marriage as a whole. It will be very hard for you to get what you want from the marriage if you are not personally fulfilled. You first have to make yourself happy and then you focus on being happy with another person. It is far easily for you to be in a balanced relationship with another person when you have taken the responsibility for making yourself happy. Basically, you have to be happy with yourself in order to be in a position where you can effectively make the marriage better for both parties.

Personally, my husband threatened to end our marriage because he thought there was no love. I didn't want the marriage to end, but I was so focused on the negative in the marriage. Luckily, I came to my senses and begin to change the way I approached my marriage. In the end I was able to reclaim my husband's love and change my marriage completely.

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Old 05-26-2014, 10:04 AM   #2 (permalink)
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PLEASE HELP! Good Morning....I'm at a loss...here is my story. I have been married nearly two years and it has been rough. While having a brief courtship, as we had dated 23 years prior, my bf at the time told me he smokes "pot once in awhile." One month later while still living separately (geographically) he proposed and I accepted. Three months later he moved to the state I was as his employment there was ending. We married two months later. He is difficult to live with as he is addictive to "pot." He smokes as soon as he gets up, on way home from work, right before dinner and again before he goes to sleep for the night. This is daily! He comes home from work and goes straight to bedroom to lie down, sleep, etc. gets up only to smoke and eat. I have two children from a previous marriage that are in home. I stress daily about this, but unable to tell him as his temper is bad and it scares me. Another thing is he never wants to do anything. If I spend time in living room with my child after work till time bedtime (9pm) he gets upset by making remarks that we don't spend time together. He refuses to join boys and I at table for dinner or pastime. Our sexlife is nonexistent, once every month if that. If we go anywhere, he gives me a two hour time limit, as he wants to come home. One time I told him I was staying at an outing that we were both at and will be home later, he became upset, didn't speak to me for days. When I express a concern, he calls me B!!!, all other billergerent names. He has hit me in the past. Loosen two teeth. He never really bonded with my boys and that bothers me. He still communicates with exes etc. Please note, if I express how what he does makes me feel, he curses and yells at me, takes his wedding ring off, and doesn't speak to me for days. Our most recent argument was this. My son, junior in high school, first car, had a blow out leaving work. As I began to put my shoes on he asked doesn't he know how to change a flat, as I showed him 2 years ago? I responded, don't know but I'm going to him. Not once did he offer to go. It was pretty bad as the spare my son had was no good so we had to call a toll truck to haul his car to nearest tire place. When I got home 3 hours later 10pm he asked how did it go, I replied you should have been there. He blew up calling me all kinds of names that we haven't spoken in 2 days. Yesterday, I left the house and spent the day with friends and family. It felt great being out of home. Most recently I had some cardiac issues and instead of my spouse taking me to ER my teenage son did as again my spouse was not speaking to me because I chose to stay at an outing with my family for an additional two hours. When I'm ill, he is not there for me at all. Very sad. I maintenance cars, pay bills etc. he does no cleaning, yardwork etc. all he does is smoke, eat, sleep and play his PS3. I am in my mid 40's. He is in his early 50's. Please help me, as I don't know wether to stay or go. HELP!
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Old 05-26-2014, 10:11 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Staying in a Loveless Marriage

You married someone you didn't know, and now you've found out he's an abusive ass. So why are you staying with him?

C
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Old 05-26-2014, 10:22 AM   #4 (permalink)
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PBear, I ask myself that question all the time.....we just signed a year lease, and I soooo regret it as I could live with my sister. He always throws the guilt trip that he left everything to be here with me....as much as I wanted this marriage, I'm ready to let it go. It has effected my health tremendously. To tell you everything, if he's driving my car (I'm not allowed to drive my own car if we are together, he drives) I cannot listen to my Christian music as he doesn't like it. If I put up an a statement as " honey, I didn't make church today so I'd like to hear some word.,," he Flips! So to prevent him shutting down on me, I just give in....I'm always giving in, even if it's not right in my gut. ;-(
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Old 05-27-2014, 02:20 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Maria1, thanks for posting this article. This is exactly what my husband and I have been doing for years now. He is trying but he tries in ways that are not really getting to real source of the issues between us. He thinks by spending less time on the computer and helping out a bit more around the house I should be happy but it is far more than that. I am assuming you posted the article for a reason yourself?

I am really hurt by husband's activities over the years. The relationship seemed very one-sided in the beginning, it was me seeking him. He claimed he just was not the ideas person so I kept my positive attitude and kept on with life and our relationship. There were red flags right from the beginning, we have been together for 25 years. He was a very heavy drinker, 12 pack a night if it was in the house. Porn collection and porn laying around in the house for his 5 and 7 year old sons to see. Taking his sons to sports clubs to drink with his buddies. I felt really bad for the boys being drug thru the mud of their father's poor judgement and I knew there was a real good guy in him....basically I rescued. He did clean up the porn act but it took many many years of lies and hiding files on the computer. He went into counseling for porn addiction and claims he has been clean the last 11 years. As of Dec he agreed to a drinking contract suggested by my counselor and has done well.

My husband is a very lusting man and always has been. Before we married I asked him what was going on in his head when he stared at women and he told me that he thinks what it would be like to have sex with them. he told me that in high school he was the same way, he was not the guy to ask a girl out because he feared rejection so his solution was fantasy and I think that is why he had such a hard time with porn.

I thought by me showing that he could actually have a real sex life with someone that cared, a willing partner, that this would change but it did not. 85% of the time it was me going to him for any sort of affection for many many years. In the meantime he had 3 emotional affairs, more like infatuations where he was seeking these women thru conversation and trying to engage them with his witty humor. It was obvious and I watched it played out. I questioned him about these women and he lied repeatedly and then one day came clean.

Every since then I have distanced myself. I have spent my whole marriage with a man who cannot connect with his wife but rather is seeking the thrill of the chase and the fantasy.
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