General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
My wife and I are trying to become closer after 5 years of marriage. In the beginning I was quite anept at marriage and was not there for her. Last year (exactly last sept.) I had one of those moments where it all clicked and I started making great efforts to become close. Well during that time she turned on me and has shut me out. Our sex life has become sparse and she displayed some nasty attitude at times.
I have maintained some dialogue and kept patient. About 5 months ago my wife told me I was putting too much pressure on her by trying to "discuss" our situation. So I backed off. But a week ago I had a discussion with her again about going out more (date nights) and getting it going from an intimate point of view. I have tried massages frequently with her in the last year and have really been there at home. I rarely go out and have really tried being there for my two great kids. But I still find her defensive. I told her it's time now to come togeather and build a positive future. She wants to go see a councillor to get a third party involved. She wants no time frame or pressure put on her which I am fine with. And since our talk still no sex at all.
I feel it's important that we have more date nights. She said once a month is enough for that. "It's all my married do anyway." I would have liked every two weeks but......
We started and have stuck to once a week, but we were both wanting that from the start. We both now look forward to it. If she wants to start with once a month maybe you could start there and then move to a more frequent schedule. For us, our kids are 12 & 14 so we are able to go out nearby w/o having to organize sitters, etc. Part of it is how difficult it is to organize and possible guilt for how often you leave the kids home if they are still young.
What I enjoy most about date night is just being able to talk to him uninterrupted about things other than finances, kids, etc. & watch a game at the local sports bar or something 'light' where there isn't pressure to discuss pressing issues...seeing each other laugh. Hopefully if you keep it light and fun and she doesn't feel pressured as far as planning it, etc. she will begin to look forward to these dates.
I am in a rush today so no time for nuances! I think once a month sounds like she is not all that interested. What the hell is she spending the other 29 days doing that's more important than rescuing the marriage?
Once a month is not enough, once a week would be better. Although that I found is tough with arranging sitters etc. I think we average every 2 weeks, although we also will put the kids to bed and go to a neighbor's and hang out (not the bad neighbors I posted about!). Date night should not include discussions about finances, schedules, work, or the negativity in the relationship. They are about fun, and focusing on the moment. Try something different than you have ever done. One night I took my husband to a go-kart place and then for Mexican food. He loved it and it was a turning point, he often instigates and arranges date night now. We've also gone to a very (tame) strip club together because he had curiousity about bringing me...I had curiousity about what happens there. Not that he goes often but has gone before. We are also on this kick of trying new restaurants and found some great ones. Its fun discovering new things together and we now remember how much fun we have together. Despite all the garbage we just went through, I'm honestly happy. Maybe start with the one date, make it fun and she might want to increase it.
I am in a rush today so no time for nuances! I think once a month sounds like she is not all that interested. What the hell is she spending the other 29 days doing that's more important than rescuing the marriage?
That was my thinking. When we go out togeather we can just concentrate on us and develop our relationship.
My wife has a tendency to want to control everything. If I want more dates more sex she is inclined to go in the other direction. She can be a bit antagonistic in that way. She did tell me she is committed to trying to improve our r/t so we shall see.
Wow, I can't seem to understand her you would think she would want to spend more time with just the two of you then once a month. I know when things were good we did date night at least twice if not three times a month, either dinner or movie. But its good she is willing to go to counseling, maybe she just needs to hear from a professional its time to concentrate on your marriage and get back to being husband and wife. I would just do what you told me to do don't push and let whatever happens happen. I wish only the best for you two. who said marriage was easy, I just never knew it was this hard. I wonder if its worth even trying have the time. Have a question does you wife know you post on here?
Maybe you should pick up the book, The Five Love Languages. It could give you some insight on what makes her tick, rather than what you think makes her tick. It'll explain that just because something makes you happy, like gifts, that might not be what makes her happy. It'd at least be a starting place.
I know what she's going through. I went through 12 years of neglect until I finally drew the line. Once I drew it, I can't seem to figure out how to go back, and he's trying like hell to make things better, but I'm not responding. I kept telling him that one day it was going to happen, he just never listened, until it did happen. Now I feel like I can't turn back.
We do dates every single week, and if we don't get it in for some reason, or if it's more than seven days since the last one, then I get antsy and start to miss him. Ok, granted, our dates consist of this: lunch and grocery shopping. But it's something we do together, as a team, without the kid. I actually enjoy the grocery shopping with him b/c he's more focused on me than any other time. He is so competitive that sitting at a sports bar would be like going out by myself anyway. Let alone doing anything like shooting pool or bowling. Yeah right! We even have a foosball table here at the house, but he's just so competitive that it's no fun at all to play with him!
Ok, so this turned into a rant about myself. But I can understand where your wife is coming from, she just collapsed sooner than I did. If I ever figure out how to turn it around, I'll let you know. Or if she figures out how to undo it, let me know! =)
Going out as a couple 
