What do you think. Is he cheating?
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Old 04-01-2011, 06:06 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default What do you think. Is he cheating?

Hi this is my first post

My partner and I have been a couple for 9 years and have 2 children together. We have always had a really strong loving relationship. About 2 years ago OH was made redundant and struggled to find work (he has always been a really hard working man) after being a but depressed at home he decided to take on the tenancy of a pub. I HATED this idea and let him know how against it I was and why. I was worried that it would ruin our family life because of the unsocial hours and I knew how much hard work it would be. We argued and discussed and I decided to support him as he thought it was the best thing to do.

He has had the pub for 4 months now and it is worse than I though it would be, he was working 7 nights a week to 3/4/5/6 am and sleeping all day. The kids missed him, and I did ... desparately. I bottled up how I was feeling as I didn't want to put extra pressure on him when he was working so hard. Also he has uncontrolled high blood pressure so was worried about stressing him out further.

He employed a 19yo barmaid, who I began to feel jealous of. He hadn't done anything to make me doubt him but I was jealous that she was getting to spend time with him and i wasn't. My ears pricked whenever he mentioned her name, and when she split with her boyfriend she moved into one of the rooms above the pub. I didn't mention that I was jealous as neither of them had done anything wrong and to be honest I didn't want to put the though in his head!

So about 3 weeks ago we were texting while he was at work and he said he would be home about 2am, at 1.30 he rang to say he was having something to eat with the staff, would tidy up then come home. I was pissed, as he promised he would be home early. I went to sleep and when I woke at 6am he wasn't home! At 7am I got dressed drove to the pub and banged on the door for 20 mins until another member of staff threw a key down. After searching the pub I found OH asleep in the barmaids bed!

I screamed and shouted and we argued (of course) he originally said he couldn't remember going to bed but the barmaid told OH (I haven't spoken to her about this) that she went to bed but he was passed out on her bed, she had no where else to sleep so just got in the other side. They were both dressed when I found them and OH has never, never given me reason to think that he has cheated before. I believed him and we have spent the last couple of weeks talking through our issues.

So things have been OK for the past couple of weeks - not great but OK. OH has started only working every other night instead of every night and has been making an effort to come home earlier (but still late, as in past 3am most night but I suppose he is running a pub)

I went into the pub on monday for a night with my brother and it was the first time I was there since 'the incident' I was really nervous at first as the barmaid was in having a drink but after a couple of drinks I kind of loosened up and even said hello and made small talk with her (we didn't mention what had happened)

There was an incident where one of the regulars said (in front of me - not know who I was) to the barmaid "Aw, are you pining for (oh's name)" The barmaid said something about haing better taste than that and scuttled off embarassed!

So when OH came back I told him about it, he had a go at the guy and I cried all the way home (but not in front of anyone in the pub!)

So today I wanted to get into OH emails for an innocent reason - I asked him his password as the usual one wasn't working. He told me it but then took the laptop off me and did what I was wanting without going into his emails first. This made me a little suspicious.

I feel really awful but after he left I went into his emails. There was nothing really there except a load of facebook notification that barmaid had poked him - like 10 times over the past couple of days! (so he must have been poking her back) I feel sick about it.... wtf's that all about?

So I logged into his facebook and there was nothing there except a msg from him to her saying 'we need to talk asap' that was dated about 2 weeks before the incident.

The other thing was that a couple of days ago when he got home he told me that he was going to the cash and carry and barmaid asked for a lift to a relatives nearby. Her felt really awkward but gave her a lift there and a lift back. I was grateful he told me and not suspicious, but later on he mentioned that an old friend of mine had seen them in the car together - so that just got me thinking that he only told me coz he had been seen

What would you all make of this? I feel sick

In the 9 years we have been together I have never had any reason to doubt him. Am I over-reacting? Sometimes, when he is with me, I know I'm being daft and he loves me and is working really hard to make this business work. But at other times I hate the though of him being friends and flirting with this girl!
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Old 04-01-2011, 07:39 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: What do you think. Is he cheating?

Seperately most of these situations would not give me cause for suspicion.

But when viewed as a whole i would say it stinks!

Finding him in her bed would have been my limit, i would have drawn my line in the sand then and there.

You have to decide how much you are able to handle. If you feel uncomfortable with the situation, tell your OH and let him know how serious it is to you. If he does anything less than remove her from his life completely . . . . then its time to make some hard decisions . . .

Personally (and i am a very laid back/non jealous person) i think their behavior is highly inappropriate and that something has happened between them.
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Old 04-01-2011, 08:47 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: What do you think. Is he cheating?

I have tslked to him. I called him and asked him to come home and we had a row and he left

The jist of it is that I listed all the things that are making me suspicious, he got mad at me for not trusting him and checking his emails... I got mad at him and told him he had to get rid of the barmaid. He refused, saying that she hasn't done anything wrong and he can't check her out of a home and a job because i don't trust him.

he is insisting that nothing is going on, He is hurt that I don't trust him, feels like i don't know him if I think he would do this to our family.

95% thinks I'm an idiot and should trust him, 5% of me think what else is he going to say

I'm so messed up right now, I don't know what to think

I love this man with all my heart, and desparatly want to believe him
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Old 04-01-2011, 10:10 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: What do you think. Is he cheating?

So what im hearing is that he is more worried about her then your feelings and your relationship?

She is a big girl, she can look after herself. Give her a month oe two to find a new place.

The more of this story i am reading the more it is sounding like at least an emotional affire, maybe even physical.

Have you read any of the stories in the "Coping with Infidelity" section? A lot of them start in a similar way . . . .
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Old 04-01-2011, 10:50 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: What do you think. Is he cheating?

Sounds like alot of stuff going on here, first sounds like a workaholic the W mother and step dad run a store...7 days a week 12+ hrs a day no vacations and the store always comes before everything else even if it means being up at 3-4am to get things set up before they open, but you finding them in the same bed this should give you worry. Also as someone who has gone though EA's with his wife constantlly with his wife the sudden changing of passwords on emails and hiding of text messages ect are dead give aways if they never done it before...has he ever been the type to deleted calls and messages on his phone? if not check to see if he doing it now. Take a few more trips to the pub...or ask a friend to go since the barmaid knows you, another thing i have learn is people like to brag around people who are drinking a friend who the barmaid dont know might end up striking a convo that tells you alot.
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Old 04-01-2011, 10:54 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: What do you think. Is he cheating?

also as for just getting rid of her this might be lagit as he could face false termination suit if she has really done nothing wrong.
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Old 04-01-2011, 03:45 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: What do you think. Is he cheating?

OK so I have had a good talk with my husband and to be honest my gut feeling is that he hasn't cheated, I think looking at the details of it it looks really bad. But I know him and our relationship and I really feel like he is commited to me and our family.

He has apologised for being careless with this girl - giving her lifts, poking her on facebook, and he has promised that he will be more considerate of my feeling about her.

I know words are cheap but since I walked in on them he has cut his hours by half, coming home earlier and is spending more time with me. He is still as loving and affectionate as ever

In our whole relationship he has never given me cause to doubt him, and although this is a big deal I don't feel it is infidelity and I think we can work through this ... with him putting in the effort too

So thanks for listening guys - I'll think I'll stick around this forum.

Any recommendations for forums etc that I can look to for ways of strengthening our relationship?
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