Wife was or is involved in an emotional affair
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Old 04-05-2011, 11:27 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Wife was or is involved in an emotional affair

Here is a quick run down:

Me and my wife have been married for 10 years. We have had our problems like most marriages but we really have not had to many serious fights. I think especially on my part I really never was good at communicating my feelings to her. I believe this is what caused her to have an emotional affair. At first she didn't admit the emotional affair even though I suspected it but once I got my proof via reading her facebook chats and her text messages she admitted it. She said there was absolutely no contact at all which for some reason I do believe. This guy was an ex boyfriend of hers and she states even back then which was more than 10 years ago, there was only kissing involved which I also do believe. So anyways, on the day she finally admitted to it, we discussed divorce and told me the choice is mine. I really don't want to divorce as we have 2 kids and have 10+ years invested in each other. I know by me holding in my feelings and not doing certain things I should have been doing thru the years such as buy her flowers, tell her beautiful she is etc...etc...etc... most likely caused this emotional affair.

Well anyways, I have been doing these things now and I am wondering how much should I do of this or should it be gradual? This is a very difficult time for me right now and I want to make it right.

Some things to note: Her emotional affair was with someone that is located in another country. She has family in that country so she visits from time to time but unfortunately she has gone several times there without me because I was unable to go mainly because I don't like going there (nothing like the U.S.A.) Anyways, I know that was another screw-up of mine for not going most of time time.

Any advice?
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Old 04-05-2011, 12:05 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife was or is involved in an emotional affair

I'm in a very similar situation, except my H won't admit it. I have a million red flags, but no solid proof. I do have proof of the lies, though. The problem with this, is that if she is in the fog that comes with an affair, it is just as strong whether emotional or physical. She won't see what you are doing. Marriage counseling is a must, right now, as is complete no contact with the OM. I think that if my H had been willing to do that, we wouldn't be on this road right now. She has a hold on him, and I can't offer the nostalgia of his youth and the illusion of no responsibility that she can offer. No matter how appealing I am, my disapproval of the whole thing pushes him away.
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~ You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you don't trust enough. ~

Or, you could be a big sap and trust your husband, and he could end up being a lying, spineless, cheater.
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Old 04-05-2011, 03:04 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife was or is involved in an emotional affair

"we discussed divorce and told me the choice is mine"

That doesn't sound like she's very emotionally invested in the marriage.

Aside from that, if you want to try to strengthen the marriage I'd do a few things. First, communicate more. things won't get better if you don't.

Second, no trips to the motherland unless you go. If you can't go for some reason (and not liking it over there isn't sufficient), she doesn't go.

Finally, you have to move on from the EA. learn from it and understand why it happened but you can't drive a car looking out the back window. Look forward and make the marriage work.
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Old 04-05-2011, 03:26 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife was or is involved in an emotional affair

Quote:
Originally Posted by hank74 View Post
Here is a quick run down:

Me and my wife have been married for 10 years. We have had our problems like most marriages but we really have not had to many serious fights. I think especially on my part I really never was good at communicating my feelings to her. I believe this is what caused her to have an emotional affair. At first she didn't admit the emotional affair even though I suspected it but once I got my proof via reading her facebook chats and her text messages she admitted it. She said there was absolutely no contact at all which for some reason I do believe. This guy was an ex boyfriend of hers and she states even back then which was more than 10 years ago, there was only kissing involved which I also do believe. So anyways, on the day she finally admitted to it, we discussed divorce and told me the choice is mine. I really don't want to divorce as we have 2 kids and have 10+ years invested in each other. I know by me holding in my feelings and not doing certain things I should have been doing thru the years such as buy her flowers, tell her beautiful she is etc...etc...etc... most likely caused this emotional affair.

Well anyways, I have been doing these things now and I am wondering how much should I do of this or should it be gradual? This is a very difficult time for me right now and I want to make it right.

Some things to note: Her emotional affair was with someone that is located in another country. She has family in that country so she visits from time to time but unfortunately she has gone several times there without me because I was unable to go mainly because I don't like going there (nothing like the U.S.A.) Anyways, I know that was another screw-up of mine for not going most of time time.

Any advice?
I will never understand why people blames themselves when their partnet gets bored and screws around. Sorry to be harsh but if she went back to her country without you more than likely she was with him.

Sit down with her and ask her honestly if she wants to be married. Don't use the kids as an excuse because once they grow up and leave you do the only thing let will be two people who basically hate each other and divorce. Do you really want to waste you life away on a person like this?
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Old 04-10-2011, 12:43 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife was or is involved in an emotional affair

I agree with Sanity! Being happy has a lot to do with maintaining your self-respect.
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Old 04-10-2011, 10:01 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife was or is involved in an emotional affair

Telling you that the choice about divorce is yours is a total cop-out. You have two kids together and doesn't want to take part in a decision that will greatly effect them and her own life? Really?

It sounds like she may want out but doesn't want to be the 'bad guy' that initiates a divorce. Sorry to be so blunt but that was my first reaction.

If you truly want to work on your marriage I would suggest counseling and more time together and start making the trips with her to visit her homeland. Not so that you can 'keep an eye on her' but because it is important to her and you should share in things that are important to each other.
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Old 04-10-2011, 10:07 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife was or is involved in an emotional affair

As our wonderful AO would say time to man up. I was in almost the exact same month ago. My mistake I didn't set boundries I let her make me believe it was all me. I allowed her to manipulate me into believing that "I made her have an affair" Now she is divorcing me and still owns up to nothing.

I set no boundries the boundries I did set I still allowed her to break. You need to find out if she is placating you while she decides what SHE is going to do because I guarentee she is already thinking about it or if she wants to actualy recommmit to you. Tell her NC with the other man and no more secrecey it is also probaly time to start looking for a councilor. If she balks gets angry gets defensive then it is still all about her and not the collective you.
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Old 04-10-2011, 10:12 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife was or is involved in an emotional affair

Hank, you did not "make" her do anything. Maybe your lack of emotional connection left her feeling emotionally detached and therefore vulnerable, but how she responded to that was completely her choice. Forgiving her is one thing, accepting responsibility for your role in the marital break down is another--and letting herself get attached to someone else is a completely different thing. She needs to address why she chose that avenue rather than confronting you or asking for a divorce. Usually it is because she was too afraid to leave, or she didn't want to rock the boat for the kids--but in either case, she risked doing a lot more damage than taking the easy way out (trying to get her needs met outside the marriage while still married). Make sure you discuss this in counseling and how she will respond if you two arrive at a similar point in the future. She must be willing to say anything to you, no matter how much she thinks it will hurt you--but not just TO hurt you. There's a big difference.
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Old 04-11-2011, 01:59 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife was or is involved in an emotional affair

Quote:
Originally Posted by hank74 View Post
Here is a quick run down:

Me and my wife have been married for 10 years. We have had our problems like most marriages but we really have not had to many serious fights. I think especially on my part I really never was good at communicating my feelings to her. I believe this is what caused her to have an emotional affair. At first she didn't admit the emotional affair even though I suspected it but once I got my proof via reading her facebook chats and her text messages she admitted it. She said there was absolutely no contact at all which for some reason I do believe. This guy was an ex boyfriend of hers and she states even back then which was more than 10 years ago, there was only kissing involved which I also do believe. So anyways, on the day she finally admitted to it, we discussed divorce and told me the choice is mine. I really don't want to divorce as we have 2 kids and have 10+ years invested in each other. I know by me holding in my feelings and not doing certain things I should have been doing thru the years such as buy her flowers, tell her beautiful she is etc...etc...etc... most likely caused this emotional affair.

Well anyways, I have been doing these things now and I am wondering how much should I do of this or should it be gradual? This is a very difficult time for me right now and I want to make it right.

Some things to note: Her emotional affair was with someone that is located in another country. She has family in that country so she visits from time to time but unfortunately she has gone several times there without me because I was unable to go mainly because I don't like going there (nothing like the U.S.A.) Anyways, I know that was another screw-up of mine for not going most of time time.

Any advice?
To quote Mort Fertel: "There is always ALWAYs dual-responsibility in a marriage."

So, I think it is a good thing that you realised the things you weren't doing. Obviously she has betrayed the marriage by having an emotional affair, but you need to realise what you did wrong and it seems like you have.

As for what you are doing, yes, absolutely start giving to her. But rather than flowers, is there something that really truly speaks to your understanding of her? Any man could get her flowers, but try thinking about something unique to her.

In regards to "how much", well that is a judgement call. I know when I was trying to repair my relationship with my wife, I struggled to find a balance, so the best thing to do is test the waters and see how your wife responds.

Hope that was helpful.

Have a good day.
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Old 04-13-2011, 03:25 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife was or is involved in an emotional affair

Here is an update:

With the help and support and ideas from all of you on this forum,

Things are getting better.

NOT perfect but much better.

For example: She has really began for the first time ever, enjoy taking pics of herself and letting me see them. For example, she would ask me to leave the room and she would take really nice pics of her body with her phone and then show me once I get back in the room. She knew I asked her to do this in the past but she never did. There was at-least 3 times in the past 2 weeks that she has did this for me. And I mean several pics at a time...like 8-12 at a time...real cool!

She has been wanting to quit her job and go back to school for a long time and now she is going to do it after I reiterated my support of it. I never really gave a firm "Great, absolutely...do it" but I always let her know that it was a good idea but I guess in the past I stayed quiet during the nitty gritty because its not going to be as easy losing her pretty good income plus the fact that our expenses will go up due to the tuition as she is going for a degree that is like 6-7 years long.



Now, here is the pessimist in me coming out:

If something does happen to us down the road, I guess its not good that she quit her job? I assume I would be up the creek without a paddle since we have 2 kids plus she would be of work WITH school to attend.



I hope and assume that the Emotional Affair is over as I don't see much evidence of her talking to him anymore although as well all know, it can be done if you really want to.

I assume if she wanted to be with this guy, she would NOT consider quitting her job unless she is setting me up for the KILL ??????
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Old 04-13-2011, 03:30 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife was or is involved in an emotional affair

Quote:
Originally Posted by hank74 View Post
Here is an update:

With the help and support and ideas from all of you on this forum,

Things are getting better.

NOT perfect but much better.

For example: She has really began for the first time ever, enjoy taking pics of herself and letting me see them. For example, she would ask me to leave the room and she would take really nice pics of her body with her phone and then show me once I get back in the room. She knew I asked her to do this in the past but she never did. There was at-least 3 times in the past 2 weeks that she has did this for me. And I mean several pics at a time...like 8-12 at a time...real cool!

She has been wanting to quit her job and go back to school for a long time and now she is going to do it after I reiterated my support of it. I never really gave a firm "Great, absolutely...do it" but I always let her know that it was a good idea but I guess in the past I stayed quiet during the nitty gritty because its not going to be as easy losing her pretty good income plus the fact that our expenses will go up due to the tuition as she is going for a degree that is like 6-7 years long.



Now, here is the pessimist in me coming out:

If something does happen to us down the road, I guess its not good that she quit her job? I assume I would be up the creek without a paddle since we have 2 kids plus she would be of work WITH school to attend.



I hope and assume that the Emotional Affair is over as I don't see much evidence of her talking to him anymore although as well all know, it can be done if you really want to.

I assume if she wanted to be with this guy, she would NOT consider quitting her job unless she is setting me up for the KILL ??????
Give her the benefit of the doubt.

She's giving it to you.
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Old 04-13-2011, 04:00 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife was or is involved in an emotional affair

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Give her the benefit of the doubt.

She's giving it to you.

I agree 100% with you but I am trying to get the other side of it. I highly doubt that she would set me up but after finding out about her emotional affair, I think its best for me to think about all the possibilities / consequences in regards to moving forward.

I feel very confident that she has no other motive but I just wanted to ask on here since this forum seems to be a seen and experienced it all type of community.
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Old 04-14-2011, 12:45 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife was or is involved in an emotional affair

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I agree 100% with you but I am trying to get the other side of it. I highly doubt that she would set me up but after finding out about her emotional affair, I think its best for me to think about all the possibilities / consequences in regards to moving forward.

I feel very confident that she has no other motive but I just wanted to ask on here since this forum seems to be a seen and experienced it all type of community.
Hi Hank,

Well, you definitely do need to make sure of your financial survival. You can't see what the future will bring, but you can sit down with your wife and have a conversation about the state of the finances. That may put your mind at ease.

The paradox to this situation is that you have done a wonderful thing in enthusiastically supporting your wife's wishes to go back to school and that will be have a positive effect on your relationship, but if you take that support back then you will be enabling the very thing that you are worried about - ie. the breakdown of your marriage and subsequent financial hardship.

Take care and keep up the good work!
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Old 04-14-2011, 12:00 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Hi Hank,

Well, you definitely do need to make sure of your financial survival. You can't see what the future will bring, but you can sit down with your wife and have a conversation about the state of the finances. That may put your mind at ease.

The paradox to this situation is that you have done a wonderful thing in enthusiastically supporting your wife's wishes to go back to school and that will be have a positive effect on your relationship, but if you take that support back then you will be enabling the very thing that you are worried about - ie. the breakdown of your marriage and subsequent financial hardship.

Take care and keep up the good work!

I am fully committed to supporting her as I have always done even though she definetely did her part by working as well.

We always support her parents and sister as they have been living with us on and off but on for the last 2 years!

That does get frustrated sometimes though.

I love my wife dearly but the emotional affair she had really hurt me.
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Old 04-17-2011, 11:48 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife was or is involved in an emotional affair

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I am fully committed to supporting her as I have always done even though she definetely did her part by working as well.

We always support her parents and sister as they have been living with us on and off but on for the last 2 years!

That does get frustrated sometimes though.

I love my wife dearly but the emotional affair she had really hurt me.
I remember the hurt. It tears you apart. The best advice I can give you is to try not to focus too much on the what she did because that will weigh you down with negativity. Focusing on how you can contribute to rebuilding the relationship gives you a goal and keeping that goal in your mind can get you through the hardest times.
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