General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
My husband and I have been married for 18 years and for the last 3-4 years it's been very rocky. I don't even know where to begin other than we are more like roomates more than a married couple. He comes home from work gets in the recliner, gets up to eat dinner and then it's down to the garage to work on his race car. Weekends we do nothing together. I guess I am becoming very sick of the same old life.
Mornings I make coffee and will say come have a cup of coffee with me and it's like pulling teeth. I get up in the morning alone, most nights go to bed alone. Sex is like never and when we do it's 123 and he's done. Just so sick of this. I've tried to talk to him and he says he understands and then it's back to the same old stuff. I guess to sum it up, I am lonely and don't want to be lonely anymore. He's in his own business and he counts on me to take care of everything but so unappreciative when I help him. When we fight he tells me I want to control him, but he can't take control of himself. He can't handle anything. I feel like his mommy and caregiver more than his wife. I am sorry to be ranting on and on but I am so frustrated and feel financially trapped!!!!!!!!!!!!
your not atall ranting. the forum is a good place.
you sound very down . but its really up to you. what do you want.
im not saying you cant change things - because you can.
but why dont you try and have a bit of space. stay at a girlfriends or family. ive been where where you are.
i think you need you time. you have forgotten to laugh.
Yes I don't laugh anymore. I can't come and go from my house, I have a 15 year old daughter and I don't want to play with her emotions. I just can't take the loneliness anymore. I love him but there isn't really anything to be in love with. I know that sounds crazy but I just can't put my finger on one thing that makes me happy about him. He's a good provider but anything after that stinks. We have sex like every month maybe longer and it's a 123 deal and that's it. I want more and I have tried to talk to him and he says he will try and it never happens. He takes no responsibility for anything. We had to get a building permit and I sent him to do it and he couldn't even accomplish that. I had to take off from work and I did it myself. We are having a pellet stove put in today and I wanted him to be here so he knows how to work it and he can't be bothered. No it's not a big deal but......
He is in his own business and we just picked up I should say I just picked up a nice account and he had to go to the store and go over paperwork and he lost his patience and I had to go there the next day and go over it because he doesn't either listen or just doesn't care and then yells when we argue that I act like his mommy and I control him.
when the guy was here measuring for the pellet stove we were both in the room and this morning he says by the way what room is it going in, again no big deal but don't you listen??????
I lay awake at night and think of how my life would be without him. Yes I am scared of what it would be, but I can't be anymore alone than I am now. I know he will never change, he is what he is but I have to figure out if it's what I want for the rest of my life.
I lay awake at night and think of how my life would be without him. Yes I am scared of what it would be, but I can't be anymore alone than I am now. I know he will never change, he is what he is but I have to figure out if it's what I want for the rest of my life.
Have you told him that you are considering a divorce?
I am sure that you don't think he can change now, but faced with divorce people can really make changes needed to have a happy life. He may be just as bored, and upset about how things are going as well.
I told him many times how I feel, he agrees how absent he is and he says he is going to try but it doesn't last. I can't keep reminding him. I am not a person who needs 100% all of the time. I just need to feel wanted and affection that I mean something to him. I know that he can't change it's proven because he hasn't changed. I know alot has to do with my attitude towards him, but I find I can't help it because I just get so tired of being mommy. I want him for once to take part in his life and not expect me to do everything for him. It's my fault because I just go ahead and do it anyways but if I don't if just doesn't get done.
My husband and I have been married for 18 years and for the last 3-4 years it's been very rocky. I don't even know where to begin other than we are more like roomates more than a married couple. He comes home from work gets in the recliner, gets up to eat dinner and then it's down to the garage to work on his race car. Weekends we do nothing together. I guess I am becoming very sick of the same old life.
Mornings I make coffee and will say come have a cup of coffee with me and it's like pulling teeth. I get up in the morning alone, most nights go to bed alone. Sex is like never and when we do it's 123 and he's done. Just so sick of this. I've tried to talk to him and he says he understands and then it's back to the same old stuff. I guess to sum it up, I am lonely and don't want to be lonely anymore. He's in his own business and he counts on me to take care of everything but so unappreciative when I help him. When we fight he tells me I want to control him, but he can't take control of himself. He can't handle anything. I feel like his mommy and caregiver more than his wife. I am sorry to be ranting on and on but I am so frustrated and feel financially trapped!!!!!!!!!!!!
WOW does this sound familiar! This is just my THOUGHTS on it having gone through it myself. It sounds like you have always been the one that took care of all the details with the house the bills etc. So he has never had to do it...now he is used to that and you are trying to get him to be a little more involved. Which is not a bad thing for him to be involved BUT its going to be a hard transition because he is so used to you handling all those things. So you are going to have to take baby steps....and in my experience the more "appreciation" you show by saying "thank you etc." when he does something the easier it will be to get him to do more.
I would also suggest a book to read....Dr. Lauras proper care and feeding of husbands. Some men may agree or not agree with what Dr. Laura says but her concepts are really simple.......
My marriage is ending and was VERY similar to yours where I felt like his Mom/caregiver not his wife and let me tell you had I read this book before hand and started really paying attention to the marriage it would have made a big difference. What is that saying day late dollar short...that was us.
I would also like to say that you are feeling unappreciated and I bet you he is probably feeling unappreciated to. Now you may be saying to yourself what the hell does he have to feel unappreciated about he doesnt do anything I do it all....but he does go to work everyday does he not? And earn a paycheck...and I bet if you started thinking about things that he does do...they might be small like taking out the trash or filing the cars up with gas. And I know that the things he may do may seem small compared to all the things you do but when you really think about it and come up with those things....think about when the last time you thanked him for doing any of those things. Because that is what happened with me and my husband I felt unapprecaited and so did he....now that we are seperated I have heard thank you more in the last 3 months then I did in the last 10 years.
The sex thing....that is hard for me because I dont understand how people dont have good sex lives its really hard for me to comprehend even though I read about it on here all the time. When you say its a 123 wham bam Im done not to get to personal but what are you doing during this? Is this like the missionary position...and he does his thing then rolls over? If that is the case what I WOULD do is be the initiator and I would be on top.....then you kinda control whats going on and if you "think" he is getting close you can slow it down and focus on something else...kissing his neck, chest etc. in my experience if the man feels the woman is into it and enjoying pleasing him.....they will take the additional steps to please the woman as well.
I have always thought it is better to truly be on your own than to feel like you are alone when in a relationship. Does your being with him help you or hinder you ultimately?
I don't want to sound rude, but he doesn't do a thing. Take out the garbage NO fill the cars up with gas NO I take out the garbage and fill the cars up. He does go to work everyday and I appreciate all of the things we have, but I work too and have had a steady job for the last 18 years. Being in his own business is alot of work for me. I work a full time job come home schedule his work, do his books do his billing and take care of a 15 year old daughter. I cook dinner clean the house and god forbid I ask for help it's like pulling teeth. I know I may sound like a ***** but I just can't take it here anymore. My daughter would be devastated if I left, I would be financially strapped and I am scared to death to take that step but I am so miserable. I know only I can say whats right and wrong in my life and I know I am not happy but I question myself is the grass greener on the other side. He isn't a bad person at all and if I make him sound like a monster I am sorry but I just don't get anything out of him. I cried, I yelled, I talk in a civil way and nothing gets through to him. I have become kind of numb to him.
I don't want to sound rude, but he doesn't do a thing. Take out the garbage NO fill the cars up with gas NO I take out the garbage and fill the cars up. He does go to work everyday and I appreciate all of the things we have, but I work too and have had a steady job for the last 18 years. Being in his own business is alot of work for me. I work a full time job come home schedule his work, do his books do his billing and take care of a 15 year old daughter. I cook dinner clean the house and god forbid I ask for help it's like pulling teeth. I know I may sound like a ***** but I just can't take it here anymore. My daughter would be devastated if I left, I would be financially strapped and I am scared to death to take that step but I am so miserable. I know only I can say whats right and wrong in my life and I know I am not happy but I question myself is the grass greener on the other side. He isn't a bad person at all and if I make him sound like a monster I am sorry but I just don't get anything out of him. I cried, I yelled, I talk in a civil way and nothing gets through to him. I have become kind of numb to him.
It sounds to me like you have already made up your mind.......
In my heart I feel I have made up my mind, but then to take that step to do it. It's one of the hardest decisions I have ever had to make. I am confused.
Your marriage sounds a lot like my first marriage. Although I have no regrets, it was a very difficult decision to make and the months/years that followed were also difficult. In my case, since we have 3 children together, I am still in contact with him and he has not changed. He still avoids all of his responsibilities...child support & visitation (which he does if it's convenient for him) but he still expects all of the financial and emotional responsibilities of raising three kids to fall solely on me. My silver lining is my second marriage where I see what it's like to feel loved, appreciated and supported.
Bottom line is many of the things that bothered me so much within the marriage still exist because we have children together.
I think he would take care of his daughter. The only thing is that his business would go down hill and he would probably lose everthing. I take care of the customers and all of the responsibility that goes with his business. People say to stop doing so much and if he doesn't pick up the slack it falls on him, but that isn't true I still have to eat and pay my bills.
What annoys me the most is that he doesn't take any responsibility and expects me to handle everything. This morning I told him that he has to have a guy we are hiring to fill out a form so when he gets home please call him and make those arrangements. His response was why can't you call him and have him come while your home today. I am cleaning my house and waiting for our pellet stove to be installed he got angry and hung up on me.
the trouble is when your feeling this lonely in a relationship, its actually better being on your own, without the hassles. i found i had more peace within when i moved on.
I think the marriage is over 
