Leahdorus

I'm having a hard time figuring out where I look and how to identify things that would make me happy. I am facing a separation that I suspect will lead to divorce unless something major changes soon. I have done all I can to try to make my marriage work and I am getting nowhere.

When I think back on my life with my husband, I see lots of times that I have not been fully happy. And as time went on, there was more and more that I wasn't getting (attention, appreciation, feeling desired, help with mundane things, participation, etc) and I guess I didn't do enough to make those needs known. We were one of those couples that from the outside looked like we had it all - get along great, no fighting, attractive, nice home, cute kid, great jobs. But underneath, things were very one-sided. I did the lion's share of the work in the relationship and the household. I did it out of love, but after a while, resentment started to build.

I feel like I am giving in to what he wants - a separation, space to figure out what he wants although I think he just wants out. I don't feel like I'm moving on or giving up though, and I don't know what steps I need to take to make myself feel whole again.

I don't know if this is making any sense at all. I am pretty emotional at the moment, and my thoughts are scattered everywhere. I can't think straight. I do know that I deserve to be happy, and I am not a bad person. I just don't know where to turn, or what to look for. How do I know what will make me happy? It's been a long long time since I've thought about stuff like this. I thought I'd found it with my husband, but I guess I was wrong.

Sorry for rambling. I am just a mess, in need of help. I appreciate all the thoughtful replies people give here. You are all great!

swedish

Hi Leahdorus,

Sorry to hear your emotions are running high right now. Understandable, you have a lot going on. Good thing to think about though, because I was well into my second marriage feeling 'lost' on the very question of what makes me happy.

I tried doing things I enjoy, hanging out in the bookstore, going to the gym, even learned some new things...rollerblading and took violin lessons. While these things were enjoyable and helped my loneliness subside when the kids were at their dad's, they really didn't make me 'happy'.

I could look at things that bothered me within my marriage and tell myself I would not want that again, but I could never really put my finger on how my life and relationships related to my happiness.

It wasn't until in the last year or so that I realized what really makes me happy is being a wife and mother, taking care of my family, teaching new things to my kids and watching them do the right thing...feeling loved and appreciated within our marriage and just feeling like a real family, the type of life I dreamed of having has made me feel really happy for the first time in my life.

I guess in hindsight, it turned out to be the things I fantasized about and longed for...being loved for who I am and just feeling safe enough to be myself, flaws and all.

Leahdorus

I agree with this completely. Sure, I can find things I enjoy doing but they don't make me "happy". I also get a lot of pleasure out of providing for my family, helping them when they need it, helping them succeed. Being loved and appreciated and desired are things that when I got them, I did feel at peace and "happy".

I wonder if there's a way to get these things without being with someone or depending on someone else. I can say that I love myself, and like myself, but that doesn't give me that warm fuzzy feeling... you know?

swedish

I know exactly what you mean. I think for me it just comes down to the reality (however healthy/unhealthy it is) that I do need people that love me in my life to make me happy.

One thing I have recognized is that for me it comes in many forms. My nephew has a rare disorder and we watch him and my niece once a week to give my sister and her husband a break/date night. No matter what my mood, he just puts a smile on my face every time I see him (her too, they are both so cute) Seeing him go through surgery after surgery, chemo, you name it and knowing he's hurting or feeling awful and then seeing him still wanting to run and play and laugh just reminds me that it doesn't have to be overly complicated.

There have been fundraisers to help their family with medical expenses and I was able to get involved with these groups and help out for other kids, honestly that gives me the same fuzzy feeling.

It starts out just wanting to help out where I can, but in the end I feel that I get so much more than I give in these cases.