nala21

My husband said to me the other day that he avoids spending time with me because he knows that I will always want to talk about "feelings". He says it's exhausting. He just wants to hang out, have a relaxing time. He said he gets nervous every time he sees me look at him with "that" look. He says when I say "let's talk about our feelings" it always ends up being "let's talk about his feelings" and he says it takes too much energy. My defense is I am not happy. We need to work on our marriage. Ofcourse I always want to talk about his feelings because he never shows them to me willingly. We can ride in the same car for 6 hours and if I don't say something, he would be content to ride in silence the whole 6 hours. He loves to get "lost" in his own brain. He says he is constantly having a conversation but it's with himself in his mind. He is very intreverted this way. His idea of relaxing is if he was home all by himself without me and the kids so that he can just read books, watch movies on history and wars, and be able to think. My idea of relaxing is hanging out with as many people as possible. Is it just a man/woman thing? Or is it us? The only verbal compliments he has given me in 12 years is "I love you", "you look nice", "thanks for doing that for me", and the cherry on top, "I love your VERY much".

Am I blowing things out of proportion here? Or am I right to expect more from male species?

Jamison

How long have you gone without talking about or bringing up the "feelings" conversation? Perhaps he feels its to much or being run in the ground. I'm not saying talking and communicating feelings isn't important, because it is, but to much of anything is probably not good. BY the time you're done talking to him, not only does he probably feel exhausted, you probably feel your words fell on deaf ears and you're beating a dead horse. So what would happen if you went a whole week without bringing anything up?

Runs like Dog

I broke up with a girl in college because she was a chatterbox. It wasn't even talking about anything. It was just noise.

You're one of those women who gets energized by talking. I know a few of them.

magnoliagal

First off most men don't like to discuss their feelings...ever. Secondly you are extroverted and he's introverted. Translation you are a chatterbox and he prefers quiet.

Solution is easy. Stop talking so much. And get some girlfriends. Use up all your "words" before he gets home. Your marriage will improve if you do these two things.

Conrad

You really think "men" don't like talking about how they feel?

Do you ever read my posts?

__________________
"Forgive or Re-Live"

-AFEH

Mephisto

He has told you how he feels, you want to keep talking it round in circles, no wonder the poor guy just feels drained. No matter what he says to you about it, you will push, prod, poke and twist and dissect every word of it and rehash it all over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over. Get the picture?

He has told you how he feels, accept it and go forward. Look instead to how he ACTS, this is FAR more telling to what his true feelings are. Guys in general are taught to disassociate with our feelings and therefore have not got the "ability" to talk about them like our less inhibited female friends, it is not wrong, it is just different to the way you see it. Accept it, or frustrate yourself and him and damage your relationship!

I too, am exhausted by endless roundabout talking, yet I can hold intelligent and thought provoking conversations for hours, but in the end of that time I am done and don't want to talk again while I digest and process for several hours. I can feel his pain, my wife pokes at the feelings topic too, just as you do. Back off, read the other obvious signs and see exactly what is going on in his head, and you will both be a lot happier in the long term.

If you want roundabout conversations for the sake of conversation, find other friends who enjoy that. Don't keep trying to inflict it on someone who obviously is not into that. He has told you, the information has been given, be happy.

CrystalPalace

Sounds like he needs some structure to the conversation. I'd take his proclamation of exhaustion as a sign that the approach you're trying isn't working. Possibly you're not "satisfied" with his answers when you try to elicit his feelings. If so, there's some soul searching for you to do.

Have you considered marital counseling. You stated you're "unhappy." Satisfying marriages don't survive unhappy members.

credamdóchasgra

I understand your frustration.

It sounds like he feels under pressure to converse, like he's being evaluated to do more than he feels comfortable.

My suggestion is to stop asking, looking, or pushing for this...and eventually on a timeline that's comfortable with, he might come around and open up more.

My H also says I have a "look" that means I demand conversation.
This is what he's used to...for now.

I have to give him a reason to trust that i'm not always looking for the deep conversation that, frankly, might scare him on some level.

I find that when I don't "demand" communication from him, he's ultimately more willing to give of it.
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Syrum

Exactly.

And if women don't get an emotional connection they are very likely to be unhappy. I have an emotional connection to my friends, but it is not the same as the deep emotional attachment I have for my fiance. I do need to know how much I mean to him, I do need to talk about our relationship and our love to feel fullfilled within our relationship.

You may well be bringing it up quite a lot because you feel starved for it and are desperately missing it.

I wonder of most of the men here would be happy and content for a wife to do the same with sex, - "I just don't need it often to feel content, I prefer to be by myself" and so on. This is not meeting each others need for intimacy.

He needs to find a way to communicate with you and let you know how much you mean to him or I think your relationship will be in trouble.

Sanity

Truth is men enjoy a thoughtful, engaging conversations even about feelings. The difference is that men like to feel that the conversation has direction and purpose. Moving your lips just to hear yourself talk is extremely irritating and as men we view this as a waste of time.

Next time you have a conversation with husband use this structure:

Introduction of topic
Settle on a topic
Dialog the topic and get different perspectives
Agree or disagree respectfully
Conclude the topic and watch hubby to see if he is open to another topic.
Kiss goodnight when done.
Sex is a great way to agree to disagree
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Sanity

Oh and remember he is no substitute for a girlfriend. Some topics just are best discussed with friends.
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sisters359

He told you he felt exhausted and anxious when you want to talk about feelings. I'd say he's pretty good at it--very direct. Now, what will you do with that information?

You could try another tactic (I'm a woman and I don't get the "let's talk about our feelings" conversations at all). Instead of having conversations about "feelings," try asking him every so often (when something happens), "So, how did you feel when X said Y?" (or whatever). Validate his feeling when he tells you, AND THEN MOVE ON--"So, what did you do about X?" This way you are getting information about things without subjecting him to conversations that may be difficult for him. And apply the same rule when talking about feelings relating to the marriage--ask about a specific event or time, and once he verbalizes the feeling, ask him what he thought about the event/situation that led to that feeling--this is much more important than the feeling, because it will reveal how he INTERPRETED the situation (and how he interpreted it is what led to the feeling) and you can compare how you saw the situation--and leave it at that. Don't try to convince him that your way of seeing it was "right." Here's an example, "So, what do you think is going to happen when we talk about feelings?" Him: "I think you expect me to have profound feelings when lots of times I'm just on an even keel." You: "Oh, that's interesting. I think it will help us understand each other better. So, what do you think the Cubs chances are this year?" Another example: "So, how did you feel when I told your mother she looked old and frumpy. . . And what did you think would happen when I said that?" The idea is to connect thoughts as the precursor to feelings (feelings don't just come out of the blue; they reflect how we are responding intellectually to an event--Saber Toothed Tiger; I could die! I feel panic. . ."

You could also ask him to share more of what he is thinking about, too--but encourage him to volunteer the information so that he does not feel you are invading his turf. And remember, if you respond well to his attempts, he's more likely to share his thoughts more often. Be conscious of when he does offer thoughts, too, and do not tax his introverted nature too much; he needs his quiet time as much as you may need talk time.

As for you--yep, more friends will help, perhaps, or you could try writing your thoughts down, and see if that reduces your need for conversation. Journaling is like making a friend of yourself, and you are always willing and able to talk to you!

nala21

Thanks for all the great and somewhat hard to hear comments. I do agree with mostly everything said. I think the root of it is that I am starve for intimacy. In the first 10 years of our marriage, I equated intimacy with sex so I would always desire more sex in order to feel intimacy with him (not only does he not like to talk about feelings, he does not have a need for sex). So the more he kept his feelings to himself, the more I initiated sex (it was at least some kind of intimacy). The more I initiated sex, the more he felt pressured. It was an endless cycle. Then last year I gave up and completely went dead inside. I shut down all my caring, expressions, love, and needs with him. Even through all this, not once did he say how it affected him. It wasn't until the episode where he said my talking about feelings exhausted him that he said he was hurt last year. He said he doesn't like to talk about his feelings because he feels I want him to take a dagger, cut open his chest, rip out his heart, and put it on platter so that I can know he has a heart. Ouch. That hurt. But I did see his point. I am just having a hard time being patient and quiet because I get absolutely No feelings. No intimacy. No sex. No initiation of bonding. To him, we are good just the way we. I will do my best to be patient and not let my heart get hurt so easily. I agree that we need to go to marriage counseling.

nala21

Just for ccontext, we have great conversations about politics, business, kids, world events, literature, history, etc. We have no problems there. We are great friends. But I don't want just a platonic husband-friend. I need a man who can at a moment, look at me with desire and then satisfy his desire. A man who after I say "you are the most incredible man i've ever known" to say something along that line back to me. I don't let him leave the house without me telling him how sexy/hot he looks. I like to kiss him passionately out of the blue. I like to pleasure him sexually. I cook him meals from scratch because he LOVES food (i make my own tortillas, ground meat, fresh pasta, etc). I know I am not perfect. But to me, I treat him as though he is perfect. I just want 1/10 of it reciprocated back to me on an intimate level. Not as my platonic husband-friend.

Conrad

Sounds like you're smothering him.

__________________
"Forgive or Re-Live"

-AFEH