madimoff

I'm wising up to the fact I'm way more responsible for our problems than I'd credited; late, but hopefully not too late
I just struggle sometimes to know how to deal with his ease of getting upset or stressed, yet now I figure some of the eggshells I'm having to tread are of my own making:
example last night
Phone call (he's not here til today) proudly saying he's spoken to the doctor about the electronic nicotine thing to help him give up cigarettes
I'm surprised to hear the doctor seems to be in favour, thinking she'd have been anti keeping nicotine in use - but anyway I'd previously given him Allen Carr's EasyWay to Stop Smoking, which I had been reading and hadn't planned to give to him til I'd finished it myself (It suggests partners reading all through too, and is anti the electronic thing)
During the call I didn't say anything negative about the device, all 'good', or 'fine' or stuff like that - ok not over the top but anyway -
So I figure it's not unreasonable to ask if he's had a chance to look at the book & he pretty much snaps NO he hasn't had time
and goes unnecessarily about how many things he's had to do and he'll try to read it sometime
I know smoking's been an issue but how long in the 'rebuilding our relationship process' do I have to wait before it's a normal everyday adult thing to do to ask calmly if he's done something about a *taboo* subject
Advice very welcome on how to progress with encouraging him (I think I put oil on troubled waters by an apology text saying I want to be supportive) but not long term 'letting him off the hook' of giving up the cigarettes which he's been claiming he wants to do for some 10 years?

(caveat to those who haven't read my posts before - we don't live together fulltime, together about 10 days on 10 days apart when he's at his house overseas)

reachingshore

Assuming one really really wants to quit, e-Cigarette is a good idea. Mainly because e-cig tastes disgusting, so you really just want to be done with it fast.

__________________
If you must say yes, say it with an open heart. If you must say no, say it without fear. - Paulo Coelho

credamdóchasgra

He was happy to deliver good news.
The question about the book hit him the wrong way:
"another thing"
"what, this isn't good enough?"
so he got defensive.

At this point...my advice is to be there as his cheerleader WHEN he has more good news--be confident that he will.
But ease up on the suggestions and probing questions.

I'd also expect the eggshells to be even more fragile right now, as he withdraws from the cigs...

For the time being...less is more.
Posted via Mobile Device

Hicks

Let's say he wants you to lose weight. You decide OK I AM GOING TO DO IT. You then proudly tell him I am going on Diet A. His reaction: Why don't you use Diet B? Sort of sucks the life out of your happiness.

So, manage the "what" but not the "how".

madimoff

Ok, as usual I kind of get everything everyone says I guess I'm just a bit ultra-sceptical because I've heard the giving up cigarette spiel so many times before
(ref diets, diets don't work - changing your eating habits do)

magnoliagal

Smoking is a tough tough tough addiction to kick. You know it's a taboo subject so why do you insist on bringing it up? What you need to work on is acceptance. Accept that he smokes and that there isn't a darn thing you can do to make him quit. He has to want to do it on his own. I've been where you are a few times only difference is I got wise and decided to quit dating smokers cause getting them to quit was an exercise in insanity.

My best friend was a smoker. It took 2 years of getting bad news from her doctor (her health was being affected) to ultimately quit after smoking for at least 13 years. She tried a few times but this last time she seems to has really done it. She quit 6 months ago. Her husband never nagged, never asked, never questioned and that really helped.

Runs like Dog

My wife smokes. I do not. She doesn't smoke in the house. I don't find particularly disgusting. But since she won't kiss me, I don't have to worry.

4sure

Until HE decides he wants to make that change nothing you do or say will matter. Saying he wants to quit is easy, putting in the work is hard. You can't make him put in the work.