General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
To be honest, I don't think I slacked off intentionally with a "I'll show you" attitude. Being that the beach isn't my thing anyway, for example, I suppose in the back of my mind I just didn't have the drive being that she didn't seem interested in my needs.
I am sure it wasn't intentional, many times it is not.
But unfortunetely she likely also lost "the drive" for that sexual intimacy. Seriously THIS is how it works and goes astray. 2 MissMatched Love Language spouses face a battle if they remain silent, Why a little communicational CONFLICT to ALERT is absolutely VITAL -before the subtle beginnings of resentment seep in -inevitably causing ever more lack of "enthusiam" & engaging drive to please the other.
When BOTH partners get to this point, one (your wife in this case) may be more "RESTLESS" with the whole routine, and so off her heart went. You are more Calm, more the "loner" type, so these things were less important in your eyes, and VOWS cemented in stone.
I don't think anyone here will ever call you the Biggest Idiot Husband Southbound. We've all learned things along the way.
We stopped taking vacations when I refused to go with her entire d*mn family like we had for so many years before. It's not a vacation when all the siblings their wives and husbands, their kids, the mother in law and god knows who else is in tow.
Also, I never knew about the "love language" thing until recently, but have come to realize that sexual intimacy is my love language. My wife didn't look at vacations as a time for sexual intimacy. It wasn't like she was having wild sex with me every night and then I refused to give her her needs by being a lazy bum. It's difficult to remember who started slacking first. Did I stop doing what she wanted, so she lost interest in sex, or did she stop wanting sex and then I slacked off on what she wanted?
I might be off base but I think the one who wants the sex (in my case it was me) unfortunately has to work harder to figure out the other ones needs first. Occasionally I've heard of women in my circle saying "hey I'm going to try giving my man more sex in the hopes that MY needs get met" but that never works because the intimacy isn't there, they feel resentment, etc. and sadly most men just think cool I'm getting more sex and never see the cry for what their wives really want. So the women quit in oh less than 2 weeks. Yes I've heard first hand that's about how long it lasts. So if you want sex you'd better find out what it takes for your partner to be happy and give it to them tenfold. Then you stand a very good chance of getting laid. This has been my experience with my husband that is.
As far as who started it what does it matter? Right now you can have all the hindsight in the world and it won't change a thing.
I just in the past year learned about love language as well (again married 19 years) and I thought my dh's was physical touch and yeah I was so wrong. Mine is physical touch/quality time and I find it's rare for couples to share the same language. Oh they think they do but I'd argue that. Opposites attact. My husband's language is gifts. Gifts? Really? Could have knocked me over with a feather when I had that realization. I married someone who likes freakin gifts and I hate gifts. By the way clue for you when you meet someone new the way to find out someones language is to watch how they show love to others. Dead giveaway. My dh is a spender, loves to buy presents, loves to treat, yep gifts. I'm still stunned.
Runs Like Dog, it isn't a vacation to you, remember. I like nothing better than to be in a big group where my kids are occupied with the children of people I know and trust, and I can kick back and relax with fewer "kidbligations" on my plate. Doesn't have to be my family, but if were just mom, dad, and the kids, my entire "vacation" would be spent tending to the kids' needs and I would get no down time. Dad had figured out that if he did things in ways he knew the kids didn't like, they'd go to mom. So he would get all sorts of down time while for me, tending to kids' needs in a strange environment (not at home) is more work, not less. I tried to instill a "no one sits down to 'relax' until everyone can sit down to relax" ethos, but it didn't work.
BUT, OP, you are not an award-winning idiot. Nor is she. It is a difficult lesson for sure. Although you want to say, "She should have told me it was important," she could always reply with a couple of things: a. "I learned pretty early that even if I told you it was important to me, you would ignore it or 'convince' me that it wasn't that important; or b. "You never asked if it was important to me." Proposition A under scores the "Walk Away Wife" syndrome.
Either way, I know it is rough and I hope you will heal fully and find new adventures in life. Good luck.
Runs Like Dog, it isn't a vacation to you, remember. I like nothing better than to be in a big group where my kids are occupied with the children of people I know and trust, and I can kick back and relax with fewer "kidbligations" on my plate. Doesn't have to be my family, but if were just mom, dad, and the kids, my entire "vacation" would be spent tending to the kids' needs and I would get no down time. Dad had figured out that if he did things in ways he knew the kids didn't like, they'd go to mom. So he would get all sorts of down time while for me, tending to kids' needs in a strange environment (not at home) is more work, not less. I tried to instill a "no one sits down to 'relax' until everyone can sit down to relax" ethos, but it didn't work.
BUT, OP, you are not an award-winning idiot. Nor is she. It is a difficult lesson for sure. Although you want to say, "She should have told me it was important," she could always reply with a couple of things: a. "I learned pretty early that even if I told you it was important to me, you would ignore it or 'convince' me that it wasn't that important; or b. "You never asked if it was important to me." Proposition A under scores the "Walk Away Wife" syndrome.
Either way, I know it is rough and I hope you will heal fully and find new adventures in life. Good luck.
The thing is, she got my attention and made me see how important it was to her when she started talking divorce, but she said then it was too late. I asked why she didn't let me know these things could lead to a divorce earlier in our marriage, and she said she wasn't one to use divorce as a threat. What would have been wrong at some point with telling me that these things she needed could really lead to trouble if not addressed?
At that point, i told her I was willing to work and would do "anything" to make it right, and I meant it. I didn't say, I'll go 50/50, or you still have to do this, but I said I was willing to do "anything." She said at that point, however, that it was too late.
Mike188 mentioned in this thread that when things happen you either accept it, argue about it, or divorce. I feel that she went straight for the divorce and never gave it a chance. If I had still seemed selfish at this point, I could have understood, but I was willing to work things out. She seemed to think "working it out" was strange. She said there was nothing to work out at that point.
I truly am sorry if my actions made her life so miserable. I guess i was just brought up in a family where you don't always "get what you want", and that is part of life. So, I didn't realize her "wanting" something such as playing board games or vacationing could lead to such misery. To me, things like that in the big picture of life are trivial, but apparently very serious to her.
Now that i am single and can do what i want, I realize there are several things that I enjoy that I didn't do when married, but it wasn't serious to me, it wasn't a deal breaker. To me, the financial security, healthy and happy kids, our good health, our nice home, etc. outweighed me getting to do a few things.
I find it's rare for couples to share the same language. Oh they think they do but I'd argue that. Opposites attact.
I think these are 2 separate things~~ Love languages and "TEMPERMENTS" - when I hear the term Opposites Attracting, I usually think of Temperments more so, cause many times those do work well as one spouse may be lacking in one area -where the other picks up & vice versa to bring 2 together and make a nice balanced whole.
Totally opposite temperments can have the exact same LOVE languages in the same order. I also think it is rare, but it happens. Me & my husband are like that. Totally opposite in Temperments though. Me being the expressive Extrovert, more aggressive & excitable, Him being the more quiet Introvert, more passive & calm.
Yeah, Gifts is a RARE one for guys! and true, we usually Do what we want in return. That comes free flowing for us.
And here is a thread on Opposites Attracting (about the Temperments) -with some links to take tests to see what you are & your spouse. >> Opposite Attract?
To me, things like that in the big picture of life are trivial, but apparently very serious to her.
Now that i am single and can do what i want, I realize there are several things that I enjoy that I didn't do when married, but it wasn't serious to me, it wasn't a deal breaker. To me, the financial security, healthy and happy kids, our good health, our nice home, etc. outweighed me getting to do a few things.
Women are complicated that's for sure. You sound like my husband. It would take a lot for things to be a deal breaker for him.
I've got a friend now who has been married for 10 years. She's been trying to get her husband's attention (think hints) that's she's not thrilled with him. He doesn't like to do anything she does (she's extraverted and he's VERY introverted). He says no to all her requests. My dh and I both predict unless he wises up once she's financially able to support herself and/or her kids are grown she will eventually divorce him. He will likely claim he had no idea....
Women are complicated that's for sure. You sound like my husband. It would take a lot for things to be a deal breaker for him...
I've had other women also tell me that women are complicated. That's why I feel this whole relationship thing is just too complicated for me and that I would be better off staying single. Who knows what I might get into next time!
As for taking a lot to be a deal breaker, nothing short of cheating or abuse would be a deal breaker for me. I think it's because I take the commitment of marriage very seriously. To me, it trivializes marriage to divorce without exhausting yourself to work it out. It seems weird that we stay together through sickness and health till death do us part, but I'll leave if you don't play games with me and go to the beach.
I have discovered in this divorce how one life has such an impact on so many other things. It's not like she just opened the door, I was gone, and everything else went on as usual, but it affects so much else.
I know there are marriages where the kids are in so much misery, they actually get relief with a divorce, but this wasn't the case here. My kids were as puzzled and crushed as I was, but apparently that didn't matter to my x.
I could go through a lot of pain and disgust to know that my kids are enjoying themselves. Their happiness would work to ease my unhappiness with other issues. I can't believe my wife was so miserable and disgusted that she had to go and that nothing could be worked out, especially after acting so happy all those years.
RIGHT, it's not a vacation to me. Actually they would all fight a lot, openly, loudly. So it was never a vacation for anyone either. Plus with 9 or 10 kids there seemed to always be someone who was sick or throwing up.
But that's my point. Some people want a calm quiet vacation. Not a madhouse.
As for taking a lot to be a deal breaker, nothing short of cheating or abuse would be a deal breaker for me. I think it's because I take the commitment of marriage very seriously. To me, it trivializes marriage to divorce without exhausting yourself to work it out. It seems weird that we stay together through sickness and health till death do us part, but I'll leave if you don't play games with me and go to the beach.
I seriously doubt it was just that. More was brewing under the surface, and some of it could have just been ALL HER. Sometimes women get depressed & they can't even explain why! And some leave what they thought was a bad marraige only to find out their is nothing better out there. Some regret it.
I totally agree about the "exhausting yourself to work it out" part , this was skipped from your wife. I believe it is the responsibiity of the UNHAPPY spouse is SPEAK UP, make an ISSUE Loud & clear - so things have an opportunity to be overcome.
Sadly though, many do this very thing , women and men, and still they keep coming up empty handed , hitting a brick wall, no common ground, no passion, resentment continues. I think alot of us have DEAL BREAKERS and yes, many have a longer list than yours SouthBound.
I personally would not be able to remain in an unhappy / unfullfilling marraige. I am just too darn Selfish. I can admit it ! But I also give ALOT -so I expect alot in return.
I would blow the Vows to the wind (after a time of exhusting), get a divorce & be on a mission to find someone more compitable.
I seriously doubt it was just that. More was brewing under the surface, and some of it could have just been ALL HER. Sometimes women get depressed & they can't even explain why! And some leave what they thought was a bad marraige only to find out their is nothing better out there. Some regret it. l
Oh no, it wasn't just this. She gave a hundred reasons, but none were any more serious than these. I just like to pick a few reasons that she gave sometimes, analyze them, get feedback from others, and try to figure things out.
Even though there is legitimacy in the reasons she gave, I think she was depressed, didn't know why, and blamed it on the things she wasn't happy with in the marriage. She would never have done this a few years ago.
It's not that I think I am such a great catch, but I think she and I were a better match than she currently wants to realize, and I think she will regret it some day, because I think the person she was prior to a few months ago is the "real" her. Even though I didn't meet the needs that she currently thinks are the most important, I was good to her in many other ways. I think she will recognize that some day, but I don't know if she will admit it.
I guess the hard part for many women is that you didn't show you cared enough DURING the marriage. You waited until you were hit over the head with divorce. When these issues come up, big and small, you shouldn't take it for granted that if the other person had the same "commitment" to marriage then she should just settle.
Marriage is absolutely a negotiation. Not everything needs to be 50/50, but where something is very important to one person you shouldn't have to be hit over the head with threats, begging, etc. Just do it because it makes the other person happy. I think if more marriages were of this mindset we'd have a lot less divorce going on.
And yeah, I'm on my 2nd marriage and it's sad that all of these stories just sound way too familiar...
I was good to her in many other ways. I think she will recognize that some day, but I don't know if she will admit it.
And you know what, some people are just too darn "PROUD" to admit they were wrong/they made a mistake - they would willingly choose hidden emotional suffering than take a hit to their halo before someone they hurt, not wanting to appear weak and vulnerable.
Personally I feel that is a form of insanity, but it happens all the time and in many relationships where one or both have not learned to communicate well.
I guess the hard part for many women is that you didn't show you cared enough DURING the marriage. You waited until you were hit over the head with divorce. When these issues come up, big and small, you shouldn't take it for granted that if the other person had the same "commitment" to marriage then she should just settle.
Marriage is absolutely a negotiation. Not everything needs to be 50/50, but where something is very important to one person you shouldn't have to be hit over the head with threats, begging, etc. Just do it because it makes the other person happy. I think if more marriages were of this mindset we'd have a lot less divorce going on.
And yeah, I'm on my 2nd marriage and it's sad that all of these stories just sound way too familiar...
I'm curious, did your first marriage end for similar reasons that I listed, and are you happy in your second marriage?
Re: Would this upset most women? 
We've all learned things along the way.
What would have been wrong at some point with telling me that these things she needed could really lead to trouble if not addressed?
