So disappointed in husband
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Old 09-26-2008, 08:17 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default So disappointed in husband

I'm new here. I thought I was "relatively" happily married. My husband and I get along fine, we do things together, we have a lot in common ... we've always had a problem with intimacy. I want it, he doesn't. After 21 years of marriage to this man, I've learned to live with it.

Tonight I think I turned a corner. I'm afraid of what I'm feeling - like that last straw was just too much for this old camel.

To make a long story short, a neighbor that we've had some troubles with came to our door tonight and really told me off and threatened me. My husband saw him coming and high-tailed it to the garage, basically throwing me to the wolves. After it was all over with I asked him why the heck he didn't stick around and defend me. He said "You know I don't like confrontation."

I told him how much this hurt and he said he was sorry. I just can't stop thinking about it. I can't stop thinking of all the times he has left me to fend for myself in situations like this, when we should be together, supporting each other. I can't stop thinking about all the battles I have taken up for him over the years. I can't stop thinking about a whole lot of things...

Tell me I'm going to get over this. Tell me I'll feel like I can count on him. Tell me I'll respect him somehow someday.
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Old 09-26-2008, 09:03 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: So disappointed in husband

No offense, but sounds like you married a wuss. Unfortunately I have no solutions, but just wanted to state that.
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Old 09-26-2008, 09:24 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: So disappointed in husband

It sounds like he doesn't have much of a back bone and considering all the years you have known him it doesn't sound like he is going to change anytime soon. You have lived like this for this long, you have to ask if you can continue to live like this. Counsiling might help in getting the information across to him and I really don't think it can hurt.

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Old 09-27-2008, 12:31 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: So disappointed in husband

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....To make a long story short, a neighbor that we've had some troubles with came to our door tonight and really told me off and threatened me. My husband saw him coming and high-tailed it to the garage, basically throwing me to the wolves. After it was all over with I asked him why the heck he didn't stick around and defend me. He said "You know I don't like confrontation."
I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news, BUT your husband is not your protector. To say to you, "You know I don't like confrontation." is a cop out. What if this situation with your neighbor escalated to a physical confrontation. Would your husband step in and protect you? By the time he got to the neighbor, he would have already (God forbid) hit you. So your husband should have been there from the beginning.

He does not realize that we women like to feel protected. It's in our nature. Men are the "Tarzans". They go out into the jungle and then swoop us "Janes" up and protect us when we need protecting. I am very curious to know what role does HE think he has in your family.
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Old 09-27-2008, 07:07 AM   #5 (permalink)
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First of all, thank you for listening and not telling me I'm an idiot.

My husband has always been a very good provider. He's a very very very nice man. He'll do anything for anyone. Everyone likes him.

I guess that's his role in our family - being the nice guy. He's been a wonderful father, although I was the main parent. He gives me anything I want. Bribery basically. I've told him a thousand times I'd rather have him tell me I'm pretty than another piece of jewelry, but he just can't do it. I've told myself that's how he says it, that's how he shows he cares, and I've gotten through.

I'm just reeling from this incident. I don't know how to count on him. I guess I've never had to before and just trusted that he'd be there for me. Knowing that he won't has sent me into a scary place.
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Old 09-27-2008, 01:35 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: So disappointed in husband

Do you never have sex at all?
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Old 09-27-2008, 03:20 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by sixtieschic View Post
First of all, thank you for listening and not telling me I'm an idiot.

My husband has always been a very good provider. He's a very very very nice man. He'll do anything for anyone. Everyone likes him.

I guess that's his role in our family - being the nice guy. He's been a wonderful father, although I was the main parent. He gives me anything I want. Bribery basically. I've told him a thousand times I'd rather have him tell me I'm pretty than another piece of jewelry, but he just can't do it. I've told myself that's how he says it, that's how he shows he cares, and I've gotten through.

I'm just reeling from this incident. I don't know how to count on him. I guess I've never had to before and just trusted that he'd be there for me. Knowing that he won't has sent me into a scary place.
You already knew that about him so I can hardly say that you can hold that against him now. You knew that he was the provider and your the protective mother cub. You answered the door to the neighbor, not him. I wouldn't have answered it if I wasn't going for a confrontation. Instead of working through these issues long ago, you have let them fester for years and years. I think if you want this marriage to last that you guys really need some counceling to help you out here. Just an opinion. Not supporting either side. And as for tarzan jane thing. If I am the one causing problems with the neighbor than I am the one that has to deal with the neighbor. IF your husband truly doesn't confront, than I wouldn't think that there was an issue with the neighbor in the first place. He would have happily helped out and figure out a solution to the "neighbor problem"
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Old 09-27-2008, 06:36 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Happilymarried 67, yes, you're right, I've let this fester too long. His mother used to attack me constantly and he'd just let her. I excused it because it was his mother. His one friend's wife used to bad-mouth me and he never defended me, but I excused it because her husband was my husband's friend and I didn't want to make trouble between the two of them. A guy grabbed me one night (years ago) and my husband made no effort to stop him. He said he didn't see it, but I knew he did. I could go on and on. But you're absolutely right. I've let it fester for years. And now I can't stand the sight of him or the sound of his voice.

I answered the door because I thought this guy was here to apologize or to have a rational conversation to work out our differences, not because I wanted a confrontation. I'm not in the habit of not answering my door. And my husband was right behind me until he saw this guy so HE obviously knew he was here to be nasty. He didn't tell me not to answer the door, or answer the door instead of me. He just left me to deal with him on my own.

MarkTwain, we have sex about 4 or 5 times a year.
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Old 09-28-2008, 06:14 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Happilymarried 67, yes, you're right, I've let this fester too long. His mother used to attack me constantly and he'd just let her. I excused it because it was his mother. His one friend's wife used to bad-mouth me and he never defended me, but I excused it because her husband was my husband's friend and I didn't want to make trouble between the two of them. A guy grabbed me one night (years ago) and my husband made no effort to stop him. He said he didn't see it, but I knew he did. I could go on and on. But you're absolutely right. I've let it fester for years. And now I can't stand the sight of him or the sound of his voice.
What you mentioned above are BIG. I think you guys may need to go to counseling. If you are at a point now where you can't stand the sight of him or the sound of his voice, something has to give. It is never too late to make a change that will give you inner peace and happiness.
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Old 09-29-2008, 08:27 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Loveandmarriage, thanks for taking the time to respond to me. I do appreciate it more than you know.

I'm sure we've needed counseling for many many years. We had a short bout of counseling years ago, but it was basically me b*tching and him saying I was right. I felt bad about complaining so much and nothing else changed. I should probably bring it up again and see if he'll go, but right now I'm a bit raw and can't even talk to him yet. I don't want to hurt him.

I know I hurt his feelings the other day. No man wants his wife to call him a coward. But that's about the only thing I can say right now so I'm not saying anything.

In the meantime, it's very uncomfortable around here. We're not speaking at all, going out to eat separately, avoiding each other. I keep thinking about going to a hotel for a few days, but I have dogs and no one to take care of them if I go. Blah blah blah ....
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Old 09-29-2008, 01:17 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: So disappointed in husband

despite my numerous issues with my own marriage, i would still defend my wife vigorously in this or similar situations. it is difficult for me to understand his retreating
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Old 09-29-2008, 06:54 PM   #12 (permalink)
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despite my numerous issues with my own marriage, i would still defend my wife vigorously in this or similar situations. it is difficult for me to understand his retreating
Me too. I've always known he's got confrontation issues, but never, in a million years, did I expect him to leave me to face something like this alone. I don't like confrontation either, but I handle it when it finds me. I'm pretty much floored by this whole thing.
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Old 09-29-2008, 07:09 PM   #13 (permalink)
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The only way that you can respect him, is to respect him. Respect him just as he is. Know that this is the type of person that he is, and this is the way that he will be in the future. We agree, it would be nice to have had him there, but he just isn't the type to deal with it, thats all. He's different.
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Old 09-29-2008, 07:14 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Once you accept this, accept him, you will know exactly where to take things from there. If its to another home, if its to counseling, or if its nowhere... Realize there is nothing wrong with what he did. He was just being him; as upsetting as that may be. He has his reasons.
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Old 09-29-2008, 07:23 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Once you accept this, accept him, you will know exactly where to take things from there. If its to another home, if its to counseling, or if its nowhere... Realize there is nothing wrong with what he did. He was just being him; as upsetting as that may be. He has his reasons.
Thank you. That's kind of where I'm at right now -- working on acceptance and figuring out where that's going to lead us ... or perhaps just me.
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