General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
Hi,
I've been married to this girl for 3 years at the time when she decided to go with a different guy. She has a kid from her previous marriage that I took care as mine. I took care her as much as I could, she wasn't working as much neither making much money, but she always blamed me for not having anything at that age, cause she was saying that she can always find someone with money that can set up her life so she can live in peace(she is 10 years older than me). So I was trying to make as much money as I could(I was a bartender at the time and was making $100.000/per year but that required to put alot of time at work, so I couldn't stay at home with her). My plan was to buy the salon that she was working for cause the owner said to me that wanted to retire. So I was able to save all the money that was required for the salon but then the owner kept saying to wait when she's ready to sell(anyway that never happend, not only that but she fired my wife who at the time was spending a lot more time in the salon knowing it was going to be ours). She was a cosmetologist(cause that's what she wanted to do when I asked her what you wanna be thaat's what she picked and I signed her up for the class). Anyway she wasn't busy at all but she was trying to get some customers. Anyway I was still mad to the owner of the salon and wass trying to make her sell it, my wife's kid at the time was gratuating high school and was a big expense(I bought him a home,2 cars(one he crashed), every month I gave him money, cause my wife said to me "if you really want to have me, take care of my son until he is old enough and you will have me for you). I also supported her in everything she wanted to do like talking in open forums she wanted to talk with her online friends until it got down to the sex chat websites that she was saying it's just a play for her to get together with her girlfriends and make fun of some horny guy looking for chat sex. I even made her a date chat website so she won't go to people's web sites, but she never used it. Then she started playing cards online with an option to chat with the players and that's how it started she met a guy that wanted to take her away from me. They started talking and had online sex(while I was working), she even bought him an online camera and send it to him so she can see him better. Then he tried to impress her with money(he had some cash on a side and was saying to her that he's going to buy her a salon if they live together). It kept going for 6 months and they were talking alot at that time until she says she realized how much she loves me and told him(the online guy) to get lost and thanked him for being here with her when I was gone. She told him that she only used him(looking to him as it was me) but what she really wanted was me. And she decided not to tell me about that at all. 3 years after that happened I get her phone and when I refreshed her mailbox I found all the emails they exchanged, it was an iphone bug, these emails were deleted but somehow appeared) anyway I read them all and it was disgusting, she called him with all the nice words she was calling me. Also when she was with me(day off from work) she will email him or text him not to call her cause she's with me. So now when we both know what was going on back then, she says she's gonna do everything to have me back. She blames me cause I was very angry when I found out that we are not gonna have the business. She said she was looking for attention for someone that will not scream and talk bad things. But in my situation I was busting my a** to make it happened, took care of her kid(that was 6 years younger than me), bought her a nice car, but she was always trying to help her child with everything(he's doesn't give a sh!t, smokes weed everyday, crashes cars knowing he's gonna get another one, parting everyday, girls, no job). All I was trying to do is to set up his life so I can start mine eventually with his mother. That never happened even now he lives with us(he's 23) I bought him a car, pay his insurance, clothes, everything so he can go away, but nothing has changed, now I have a ok business that makes a nice living but the other day my wife found him a job in our business without asking me, so we'll never get rid of him. Besides that he never thanked me for anything or helped me. All he says is "I need this" or "sorry that I'm not like you and can't succeed in anything" or "sorry, I tried". I am tired of this but love her so much. I want to have a kid now with her. Please give me ur opinion onmy case. thanks
I'm sorry but I found some parts of your post hard to read and understand, everything was jumbled together. Paragraphs might be better than just one long story all run together.
Anyway, it sounds like a mess. She sounds very selfish and a user (and so does her son) and you seem to enable her behavior by buying her things and not putting your foot down about things which are acceptable and not etc. I say both of you might need to call its splitsville, it doesn't sound healthy at all.
PS, you now want a kid with her? NOT a good idea at all. You have had red flags all around you, don't ignore thm.
If either of you want to work this out, then I would suggest counseling ASAP.
You need to stop paying/buying her stuff, she seems really ungrateful and so does her son. Why would you keep doing all this if she doesn't appreciate any of it? You are allowing yourself to be used.
You might want to set some boundaries. She needs to understand what is ok and what is not ok. Don't pay for or buy her anything else until she can learn to be appreciative.
I agree with Jamison that parts of your post were hard to read and understand. I know how it is get in a hurry while posting trying to get in everything you want to say. But slow down, think about what you are typing, try to use proper punctuation and read and edit before you post. You might still make mistakes (just as I know I do sometimes), but over all your post will be easier to read and understand.
This is what I got from your post - you work long hours and make good money. Am I correct that you make $100,000 a year? That a lot of money. It sounds like this woman and her son are taking you for your money and not giving anything in return.
What as this woman done for you to show she appreciates all you have done for her. Because it sounds like you are not getting anything out of this relationship in return. It sounds as if all you do is give and it's still not enough.
And now she has cheated on you on top of everything else??
How much of this are you going to put up with? Seriously, what line does she have to cross before you say "enough"!
And about her son, he is not going to go away willingly. Why should he? He has it made, you are paying all his bills and buying him new cars when he crashes the old one!! he is 23 years old it is time he got off his behind and started making his own way. Kick the bum out. And if his mother gets upset then tell her to go with him.
And DO NOT have a kid with this woman. If you ever divorce then she will hold you hostage for child support for years. I believe parents should support their kids, but I have seen custodial parents do some pretty manipulative things to the non-custodial parents by using the kids as bait. From everything you have said about your wife if you have a kid with her I wouldn't be surprised if she leaves you when the kid is a baby. Then she can take your money for child support for the next 18 years while she moves on to the next guy and takes his money for herself. Besides it doesn't sound like she was a great mother to the son she already has, she raised him to be selfish and irresponsible. Why would you trust her to raise YOUR child. Do you want YOUR child to turn out like your stepson??
My friend,
I am concerned that you say that you "love" her. It would appear that you do not truly know what love is. I can safely say that love is NOT abusive, and what this woman has been doing to you is abusive. Emotional abuse is particularly insidious. It traps us into thinking we love that which causes us to suffer. My wife and I wouldn't dream of becoming involved in online chat...together, or separate. There is no other woman (or man) on this earth that I would confide in over my wife. She is my sole confident. She is my best friend and my true love. I have no desire to exchange in intriguing or flirtatious dialog with another. This devotion and exclusivity is a non-negotiable part of our marriage. Having said that, this comes easy for us, for we are truly in love. We respect and genuinely care for each other. Many relationships are suffering today simply because one, or both individuals involved are just not good matches.
Based upon what you have shared, she is undeserving of your efforts to build a life together. She is incapable of returning your love and equally incapable of being emotionally and physically faithful to you and the relationship. You have a lot of work to do on "you" before you will be ready for another relationship. Learn to be your own best friend and to love and nurture yourself in a way that is healthy. I am saddened by your post. I hope that you are able to pry yourself free from this waste of time and emotional energy.
Thanks everyone, after all these opinions, I still want to give her a chance one more time. The bottom of the problem is her son. She tells me now that he is something that will be always there and cannot be removed. Before she used to tell me that if we set him up with a place to live, car, ok job he can stop bothering her and we can live happy. So I did it, but he failed to succeed in life and now he's at our home. She feels sorry for him cause his dad was loser and she had to support the family in her previous marrage. Forgot to mention she never had anything on her name since she's been with me. She has no desire to have any of my
Money. All she says she wants is to enjoy time with me and her son to be ok, not to come cry at our door everytime he fails. She says that she doesn't want any more kids csuse she wants to enjoy life with me. Tells me that kids like her son, losers can take 20 years from your life. I myself know how hard it is growing up with no parents, so my priority is to have the love of my life. She was always next to me in everything I've done. She was my first love. Last year to prove me how much she loves me she brought her girlfriend to have a threesome, so I can see that girls are no special. She cried after that, but I realized that not a lot of girls can do that what she did. Very confused?? Posted via Mobile Device
Thanks everyone, after all these opinions, I still want to give her a chance one more time. The bottom of the problem is her son.I don't agree that the problem is her son. You stated things in your first post that she said and did that had nothing to do with her son. You said she blamed you for her not having any money and that she could find someone else to set her up with money so she could have some peace in life. Was she or was she not exchanging sexually explicated text with another man? That is unacceptable for any married person to do. She tells me now that he is something that will be always there and cannot be removed. Before she used to tell me that if we set him up with a place to live, car, ok job he can stop bothering her and we can live happy. So I did it, but he failed to succeed in life and now he's at our home. She feels sorry for him cause his dad was loser and she had to support the family in her previous marrage. Well her son is turning out to be a loser also. And it is partly her fault. Both of you need to stop enabling him. If she can't use tough love with him and make him stop using youthen you need to cut both of them out of your life. They are just going to drain you and leave you financially ruined. Forgot to mention she never had anything on her name since she's been with me. She has no desire to have any of my
Money. All she says she wants is to enjoy time with me and her son to be ok, not to come cry at our door everytime he fails. She says that she doesn't want any more kids csuse she wants to enjoy life with me. Isn't that an issue for you? Didn't you state that you wanted a kid. You are young now and find a woman who will be willing to give you children. Tells me that kids like her son, losers can take 20 years from your life. I myself know how hard it is growing up with no parents, so my priority is to have the love of my life. She was always next to me in everything I've done. She was my first love. Last year to prove me how much she loves me she brought her girlfriend to have a threesome, so I can see that girls are no special.Well there ya go, nothing says love like bringing home another girl to have sex with your husband - I am being very sarcastic here. I personally find that a little disgusting. Having a threesome has nothing to do with love - it is about sex - not about love. Does she really think that is what love is?????? She cried after that, but I realized that not a lot of girls can do that what she did.Why did she cry? It was her idea wasn't it? I think this woman has some very big issues. Be very careful. Very confused?? Posted via Mobile Device
My friend,
I am concerned that you say that you "love" her. It would appear that you do not truly know what love is. I can safely say that love is NOT abusive, and what this woman has been doing to you is abusive. Emotional abuse is particularly insidious. It traps us into thinking we love that which causes us to suffer. My wife and I wouldn't dream of becoming involved in online chat...together, or separate. There is no other woman (or man) on this earth that I would confide in over my wife. She is my sole confident. She is my best friend and my true love. I have no desire to exchange in intriguing or flirtatious dialog with another. This devotion and exclusivity is a non-negotiable part of our marriage. Having said that, this comes easy for us, for we are truly in love. We respect and genuinely care for each other. Many relationships are suffering today simply because one, or both individuals involved are just not good matches.
Based upon what you have shared, she is undeserving of your efforts to build a life together. She is incapable of returning your love and equally incapable of being emotionally and physically faithful to you and the relationship. You have a lot of work to do on "you" before you will be ready for another relationship. Learn to be your own best friend and to love and nurture yourself in a way that is healthy. I am saddened by your post. I hope that you are able to pry yourself free from this waste of time and emotional energy.
If either of you want to work this out, then I would suggest counseling ASAP.
You need to stop paying/buying her stuff, she seems really ungrateful and so does her son. Why would you keep doing all this if she doesn't appreciate any of it? You are allowing yourself to be used.
You might want to set some boundaries. She needs to understand what is ok and what is not ok. Don't pay for or buy her anything else until she can learn to be appreciative.
Why do people recommend counseling for everything? It's painfully obvious that she is a Moocher and she's using him as a paycheck. He needs to kick the parasite to the curb. Posted via Mobile Device
You were and still are her free meal ticket. She pushed the right buttons to make you bust your behind to provide for what she wanted. Too bad it seems you're not part of what she wants, except the money part.
Free ride, how long are you gonna keep the gravy train flowing for both of them?
Wife chat-cheated on me multiple times 
