What do you do when your husband won't try.
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Old 09-30-2008, 03:52 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default What do you do when your husband won't try.

Okay I have posted on here before regarding my situation but here is the latest. We just got back from a family vacation in the Redwoods, his whole family went. I felt like I was an outsider who just happened to drop by. My husband didn't treat me like his wife let alone his friend. It was horrible being there with him. He keeps acting like he doesn't love me or want me anymore but when I say okay lets seperate he always says remember this is what you want not what I want. But then he doesn't try to make us work so I don't know what to do anymore. It had been four months since we had sex so that was back in june well we finally got together and I thought everything was going great but it was only one time the entire weekend nothing,no kisses no hugs no touching at all. So now its been three weeks this friday and no sex since that one time. We go to bed at the same time every night but he doesn't touch me or anything. just rolls over and goes to sleep. One night I came home from work and had two glasses of wine and i was really horney so I got out my toy and he didn't even participate then either. I don't know what else to do. I am convinced once again there is someone else but I have no proof. I deserve to be happy an right now I am not happy with him. I am giving myself to January 2009 an if its not better then I am leaving him, there is nothing else I can do. He is not willing to get help or talk about anything and he lies all the time and its driving me fricken nuts I hate wondering if he is really working or if he is where he says he is, Can anyone relate to what I am going through, I can really use some friends to chat with about this. thanks for listening. Oh did I mention I have been with this guy since I was 16, well off and on married for alomst 9 in november and we have four kids together.
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Old 09-30-2008, 04:11 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: What do you do when your husband won't try.

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I am giving myself to January 2009 an if its not better then I am leaving him, there is nothing else I can do.
If you stick to your plans, you will be stronger for it.
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Old 09-30-2008, 04:27 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: What do you do when your husband won't try.

Yes I agree but its so hard to make the final decision. Why is marriage so hard?
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Old 09-30-2008, 04:28 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: What do you do when your husband won't try.

It can be hard to understand why someone can lay next to you and have no idea why they wont be active. The rejection is something that hurts quite a bit.

Do you have any way to see if he is with someone else? I read that you had gone back to work recently after being home with the kids. Did you guys talk about that? Is there a possibility that could be a source of frustration for him?
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Old 09-30-2008, 04:31 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: What do you do when your husband won't try.

Marriage seems hard because some of these problems just creep up on you. If you were with him since you were 16, you would not have had a lot to compare it with. If people don't like the way they are being treated, and there is no willingness to work on it, people should leave. Anything else is misguided in my opinion.
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Old 09-30-2008, 04:37 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: What do you do when your husband won't try.

Roxie - sorry to hear about your situation. Ok, first off, what makes you think there is someone else?

I see that you have 4 kids...stressor for both of you. DOes he really have time for someone else? How is your financial situation? Work troubles? The sex problems are usually not about sex, but something else. I know, I am going through it now. I really don't have a desire and it is not because I have girlfriend. I can see that i sometimes act the same way to my wife. Sometimes you just need to back off and find the root cause of the problems.
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Old 09-30-2008, 07:41 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: What do you do when your husband won't try.

well just want to update everyone yes there is someone else her name is Carla and I just found out they spent four days together not to long ago, He now wants to end this marriage, how do I save us. I don't want to lose him he is my best friend. Yes there are money issues, things are very tight financially but him seeing someone else doesn't help either. How does a man just leave his wife and four kids just like that. I am such a mess, couldn't even go to work tonight. I need some advice how do i fx this before he leaves me for good?
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Old 09-30-2008, 09:59 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: What do you do when your husband won't try.

I can relate to your problem. My husband has been distant and treating me like this for two years. He moved out in the spring. He still doesn't know what he wants. Yes, there have been women involved (although he denies it). It has just about destroyed my self-esteem; I have felt like I had the plaque or something. I guess I'm just pathetic--I still love him.

How long has he been seeing this woman? Chances are the relationship won't last long. If you read the book, "The Five Love Languages", you'll have a better understanding of all of this.

I wish I knew something to say to ease the pain. However, I haven't found anything to ease the pain. Everyone keeps telling me it will take time--that hasn't helped either. Hang in there!
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Old 10-01-2008, 02:57 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: What do you do when your husband won't try.

I read that book "the five love languages" and it's great! I got it to help me understand my current GF and it's clear why she acts as she does (not badly by any means, just with different needs).

My wife and I separated after almost 20 years. I wanted more from our marriage but she wasn't (apparently willing) to provide it. I finally made her sit down and talk with me and we realized it wasn't going to get better. I moved out about a month later.

Even though there wasn't another person involved in my separation, there was still the shock and loneliness of no longer having the kids around, the noise of family life, etc. It was weeks before I could stop crying. But I did. And life went on.

From that point (I was approaching 50) I was kid of resigned to living by myself; not expecting anything more. As it turned out, I had a couple of friends who became lovers. Then back to friends as the interludes ended. Neither was going to be serious, but they were fun for all.

Now, I'm in a relationship of over 2 years and it's one I can see continuing for the rest of my life (however much time I have left at this point ).

I know it's rough, especially financially, but one day you'll look back and be able to say "I survived it". Then you'll be able to think about looking forward.
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Last edited by dcrim; 10-01-2008 at 02:58 AM. Reason: typos
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Old 10-01-2008, 03:58 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: What do you do when your husband won't try.

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Originally Posted by dcrim View Post
I read that book "the five love languages" and it's great! I got it to help me understand my current GF and it's clear why she acts as she does (not badly by any means, just with different needs).

My wife and I separated after almost 20 years. I wanted more from our marriage but she wasn't (apparently willing) to provide it. I finally made her sit down and talk with me and we realized it wasn't going to get better. I moved out about a month later.

Even though there wasn't another person involved in my separation, there was still the shock and loneliness of no longer having the kids around, the noise of family life, etc. It was weeks before I could stop crying. But I did. And life went on.

From that point (I was approaching 50) I was kid of resigned to living by myself; not expecting anything more. As it turned out, I had a couple of friends who became lovers. Then back to friends as the interludes ended. Neither was going to be serious, but they were fun for all.

Now, I'm in a relationship of over 2 years and it's one I can see continuing for the rest of my life (however much time I have left at this point ).

I know it's rough, especially financially, but one day you'll look back and be able to say "I survived it". Then you'll be able to think about looking forward.
Great words of wisdom dcrim!

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Old 10-01-2008, 08:16 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: What do you do when your husband won't try.

I'm so sorry you are going through such a confusing and hurtful time , but If your husband can't say that he wants to work to save the marriage-I encourage you to override your instincts and apologize to him.Apologize for having failed to meet important emotional needs that the he had been promised at the time of marriage and you are still willing to work on whatever problems lead to what happened and save your marriage.Most affairs don't end a marriage. But unless the marital problems that helped create the affair are resolved, an affair will make your marriage a lot worse than it was before the affair. Still, you have a window of opportunity to fix what was wrong in a way that can make your marriage better than it ever was. But one of the biggest obstacles to such a recovery is the emotional reactions left over from the affair.From my perspective, honesty is part of the solution to infidelity, and so I'll take honesty for whatever reason, even if it's only to relieve his feeling of guilt and depression. The revelation of an affair is very hard on an unsuspecting wife, of course, but at the same time, it's the first step toward marital reconciliation.

Your marriage has already flat-lined, and now it is just a matter of "when do you turn off the life support". If your husband persists that "he doesn't know" if he wants to save your marriage, or that he "is confused", he is most likely suffering from symptoms of withdrawal. He may still love you, and does not want to hurt you anymore.But If after giving things some time, you ask him questions and he just won't answer them or if he refuses to give up the other woman .... there's not much hope there for a reconciliation. As much as you want to "fix" things, it takes two people to make a marriage work.

Unfortunately,by what your saying it seems as if he really doesn't have any interest in anything at this point. If he seems to be dragging his feet,give him some time to sort out his feelings a while longer.Do not convince yourself that all this ambivalence means that he possibly wants to work on the marriage if he continues to avoid addressing things and is unwilling to talk.Just switch places and then ask yourself how you would be acting if the tables were turned? I know it's a hard pill to swallow, but the best thing for you to do is to begin to accept the fact that you cannot "make him" want to work on your marriage if he "doesn't want to". The ball is in his court right now.

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Old 10-01-2008, 05:51 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: What do you do when your husband won't try.

Well thank you for your advice. he came home early work last night and we talked but it got heated so I left the conversation and took a shower. He says he loves me he is just not in love with me. He is A CHP officer and works 12 hour days and the only time I can talk to him is when he is at work and that makes him mad when I call him. Everyone is just telling me to take it slow and don't do anything stupid. The hardest part is not knowing what he is tellling her or thinking. I asked how to unlock his cell phone and he wouldn't give me the code, i don't think that is right to hide stuff on his phone from me. I am not a strong person and don't have any family to talk to, he has his parents who live down the street and now his mom hates me and wants us to dissolve the marriage instead of trying to fix it. How can I fix this he said this morning that it can't be fixed in one day. And he hasn't filed any divorce papers yet. But then he also said he has only been staying with me because of the kids and he has felt this way since 2003. That really hurt. I will get that book a read it and see if it helps. thanks again.
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