Re: What do you do when your husband won't try.
I'm so sorry you are going through such a confusing and hurtful time , but If your husband can't say that he wants to work to save the marriage-I encourage you to override your instincts and apologize to him.Apologize for having failed to meet important emotional needs that the he had been promised at the time of marriage and you are still willing to work on whatever problems lead to what happened and save your marriage.Most affairs don't end a marriage. But unless the marital problems that helped create the affair are resolved, an affair will make your marriage a lot worse than it was before the affair. Still, you have a window of opportunity to fix what was wrong in a way that can make your marriage better than it ever was. But one of the biggest obstacles to such a recovery is the emotional reactions left over from the affair.From my perspective, honesty is part of the solution to infidelity, and so I'll take honesty for whatever reason, even if it's only to relieve his feeling of guilt and depression. The revelation of an affair is very hard on an unsuspecting wife, of course, but at the same time, it's the first step toward marital reconciliation.
Your marriage has already flat-lined, and now it is just a matter of "when do you turn off the life support". If your husband persists that "he doesn't know" if he wants to save your marriage, or that he "is confused", he is most likely suffering from symptoms of withdrawal. He may still love you, and does not want to hurt you anymore.But If after giving things some time, you ask him questions and he just won't answer them or if he refuses to give up the other woman .... there's not much hope there for a reconciliation. As much as you want to "fix" things, it takes two people to make a marriage work.
Unfortunately,by what your saying it seems as if he really doesn't have any interest in anything at this point. If he seems to be dragging his feet,give him some time to sort out his feelings a while longer.Do not convince yourself that all this ambivalence means that he possibly wants to work on the marriage if he continues to avoid addressing things and is unwilling to talk.Just switch places and then ask yourself how you would be acting if the tables were turned? I know it's a hard pill to swallow, but the best thing for you to do is to begin to accept the fact that you cannot "make him" want to work on your marriage if he "doesn't want to". The ball is in his court right now.