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Boundaries in Engagement/Marriage

10K views 120 replies 18 participants last post by  Cobalt 
#1 ·
I know this is a big question, but my fiancé asked me to draw up a list of boundaries to honor in marriage/engagement as he's recently stepped over one relating to helping an ex girlfriend. To me, it seems common sense, particularly because I've asked repeatedly for NO contact, but apparently he wants me to spell it out.

What are the boundaries you consider in your engagement/marriage?
 
#113 ·
I don't want to keep playing the drama games. I keep waiting for the drama games to end, but apparently they do not.

He apologized on Thursday. Took the day off work and we had some good discussion, but now that I'm back home I realize it's definitely not enough to base a marriage on. He told me he'd come visit once/month so we wouldn't have this distance, because the problems in large part stem from lack of trust and since he has cheated so much ...then I get here and send him flight info and he says:

"My monies almost out and im trying 2 meet some goals so we wil see. At the very least, we wil kum down at spring break."

Initially he was going to come alone in feb, then through text he asked if his son could come in Feb and now he wants to bring the whole crew end of March. That's two months away. I just don't trust him to be faithful that long.

Going to start distancing myself. I'm too wrapped up in this.
 
#115 ·
You're probably right. I know cognitively this is not okay. But he's so emotional and deals with things immaturely. I can't figure out why I excuse it!

My mom is visiting me right now. My family is completely against the relationship. I agreed to fly home to see my previous therapist. They said they'd pay for it. I was in such a better place 3 years ago. I told her nothing about what's transpired in the past year...only good things (because that's what you're supposed to do in a commited relationship, right?) she just mentioned how the tears seem to come too easily...that I'm extremely sensitive and she is intensely worried about me.
 
#116 ·
Your mom knows the truth. Mine did too but she wouldn't say anything because I wouldn't say anything. It wasn't until right before she died that we discussed it. I could have used her advice SO MUCH over the years, if I would have only told her the truth. But I was too ashamed of who I'd married.
 
#118 ·
Thanks jellybean.

I know in my heart you're right. These rules should be unspoken.

Last night he brought up having a baby and then would hardly talk about it. Sent me a link to this youtube video:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=peMs26UXjQM

This whole thing is confusing and heart wrenching. I do love him very much. None of us is perfect, but I do not trust him is the bottom line. I think his intentions are good, but when it comes down to it...he's selfish and lacks maturity. He handles his emotions immaturely...his finances...raising his own children.

My parents told me pointe blank that they refuse to ever see him again due to him having cheated on me the weekend of Thanksgiving 2 1/2 years ago. That weekend he came over to are to my parents house for TG and fell asleep on the couch while she was making TG dinner. He slept with me that Thu night, another woman Fri, another woman Sat and then me on Sunday. He hasn't sent his taxes in for several years (although he said he has, I don't believe him. They know about this.) They said he lacks moral fiber. I think this crazy behavior is over and he's trying to fix things slowly, but I'm not convinced based on his weird outbursts toward me...none of which they know of. I'm close to them, so I'm having a hard time defending him.

I have an appt with my psychiatrist (I have ADHD) in 2 weeks in my old city. My parents offered to fly me home for it. He convinced me to go off meds 3 years ago. Ive been on them since I was a child. I'm wondering if they will help me see things more clearly.

Just feeling down right now and very, very conflicted. Heart wrenching is the correct term.
 
#119 ·
My parents told me pointe blank that they refuse to ever see him again due to him having cheated on me the weekend of Thanksgiving 2 1/2 years ago. That weekend he came over to are to my parents house for TG and fell asleep on the couch while she was making TG dinner. He slept with me that Thu night, another woman Fri, another woman Sat and then me on Sunday.
Your parents are right.

You are wrong for even considering staying with him. There is something seriously wrong with you if you would consider staying with a man who does that. Don't you see that?
 
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