General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
I am looking for advice on an issue which I have not just with my wife, but all women friends and family. There seems to be a hate for men to be sitting in front of a computer for long periods taking like 5 hours at a time. I work from home and study from home on the internet and my wife as well as others see this as odd as they have not adjusted to the Internet life yet.
Yes, personally I would like more time away from the computer and only use it for 1 or 2 hours per day. But I work 8 hours per day as do most people in offices use computers women somehow seem to accept that than sitting at home. They rather accept sitting and watching the TV or reading a newspaper than sitting at your computer.
I have explained to my mother and wife that the computer is my teacher and income earner and I feel the more I use my computer the more I will be able to meet my bills and get the jobs I desire. I try to get it through to them that many people waste so much time in needless activities that is not going to get them anywhere. They seems to disagree and view me as lazy and unproductive and unemployed.
How can I change their view? I guess its women's nature to like a man who does physical heavy work like construction and fixing broken things rather than the computer stuff.
I know the fight, and the issue.. ha My beloved has her square headed boyfriend, and I have my square headed Medusa (multiple displays) that occupies a fair amount of my time.
Unless its an issue where you are working, and can't get it done because of interruptions (and even that can be the second) -- the real issue is likely that she wants you to notice, and pay some time & attention on her.
This is a wonderful tool for research, and for knocking off a few hours of time for recreation. This issue gets far worse though, when you are in a technical field, and have to spend hours doing research, or cranking out reports & presentations.
I found two things seemed to help. The first was putting all of the gear in an office, so "out of sight, out of mind"; I simply have to get through what I need to crank out. I do use it for some time killing activities though too though. The second: Stop every so often, and take a break. During that break make yourself available to her. Whether its just a simple hug, and kiss, and ask about her day ... Or just the first. The third, is using that opening (when I have to get something done) to let her know "I'm stuck working on yadda for the next X hours." so she isn't waiting around on me to get done with something, and getting annoyed with it that way.
Its gotten a little better in my house since I switched from IT to pharmacy, but its still an issue at times. I feel that same twinge when I see her spend 3 hours on a social network site at times. Its not what she is doing that bothers me. She could spend twice that, and it wouldn't necessarily bother me. Its that it happens to be aligned with a bit of time I would actually like some attention from her. Where we both had to draw a line though was not taking the bloody thing into the bedroom, unless it was going to be ran as a media server for the TV in there for both of us.
This is not accurrate. Plenty of women sit in front of computers for long periods, including my wife and she doesn,t even work. I laugh about this role reversal since wives used to complain about being abandoned while their executive/lawyer husbands were on their computers all weekend. Now I watch tv by muyself every Friday and Saturday night while my wife uses the computer in another room Posted via Mobile Device
Can't really agree, the women in my family are smart enough to figure when I'm actually working on my computer and when I'm not (e.g. playing video games, casual surfing etc..).
But to your problem is the computer out of sight? In another room hopefully? Can't you hug everyone and say "off to work now" then lock the door and put a do not disturb sign on the door. Then you aren't so available for critism when you are working/studying. Maybe have set work hours so your family knows when you are available and when you aren't.
Also quit explaining yourself to the woman in your life. Just tell them what you have to do and do it.
I think great points have been made in the other comments.
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They seems to disagree and view me as lazy and unproductive and unemployed.
Are you lazy, unproductive and unemployed?
This was (is) a problem in my own marriage. I totally viewed my husband as lazy, unproductive and unemployed. His business (outside of the home) was/is a failure and so it may generate an income but there was never enough to give himself a paycheck. He would spend hours looking for jobs online that he wasn't qualified for rather than spending that time working towards recertification in his field where he could get a job.
However, my husband has NEVER seen himself as lazy or unproductive. He thinks he is a very busy and productive person.
I think set hours will help and a set office space. Limit yourself to those set hours and then you need to make an effort to connect emotionally with your wife every day. Spend time talking about hopes and dreams and goals.
I view tv and computer the same if they are being used recreationally.
I am looking for advice on an issue which I have not just with my wife, but all women friends and family.
All women?
There seems to be a hate for men to be sitting in front of a computer for long periods taking like 5 hours at a time. I work from home and study from home on the internet and my wife as well as others see this as odd as they have not adjusted to the Internet life yet.
Are you contributing to the household chores? Are you spending time with your wife when you are away from the computer?
Yes, personally I would like more time away from the computer and only use it for 1 or 2 hours per day. But I work 8 hours per day as do most people in offices use computers women somehow seem to accept that than sitting at home. They rather accept sitting and watching the TV or reading a newspaper than sitting at your computer. When you are "sitting at home" are you earning income?
I have explained to my mother and wife that the computer is my teacher and income earner and I feel the more I use my computer the more I will be able to meet my bills and get the jobs I desire.
I can't tell by this post if you are actually earning an income on your computer. What do you do?
I try to get it through to them that many people waste so much time in needless activities that is not going to get them anywhere. They seems to disagree and view me as lazy and unproductive and unemployed. Wasting time is wasting time. I can waste time just as easily on the computer as I can watching TV. Could it be that you are unemployed? Could that be your wife's problem?
How can I change their view? I guess its women's nature to like a man who does physical heavy work like construction and fixing broken things rather than the computer stuff.
I can imagine that women might have a problem with a husband that is unemployed and spends all day on the computer instead of contributing to the welfare of the house and family. If this is the case, your situation can cause a great deal of stress in the home. I would try to see things from their perspective and try to set some clear expectations about what you do on the computer and when.
I can imagine that women might have a problem with a husband that is unemployed and spends all day on the computer instead of contributing to the welfare of the house and family. If this is the case, your situation can cause a great deal of stress in the home. I would try to see things from their perspective and try to set some clear expectations about what you do on the computer and when.
Oh good point I just went back and reread the post. I was tired when I posted my reply. I thought he "worked" at home as in gainful employment but if he's just learning, looking for a job, for 8 hours a day well yeah that's annoying. Gotta bring in a paycheck or yes women will have a problem with that behavior.
But to your problem is the computer out of sight? In another room hopefully? Can't you hug everyone and say "off to work now" then lock the door and put a do not disturb sign on the door. Then you aren't so available for critism when you are working/studying. Maybe have set work hours so your family knows when you are available and when you aren't.
Also quit explaining yourself to the woman in your life. Just tell them what you have to do and do it.
My dad had the same problem and he built a room seperate from the home in the garden a study room and my mum seems to accept the he now is working in his study room rather than being lazy in the house. Having your own room not bedroom is seen more professional. When someone hears your working from home and studying from your bedroom they think your kidding on. I think putting a do not distrub sign on is rude and people would still come in. I do have set hours but trust me it doesn't work when your at home that work hours mindset is out the window.
I have a hard time explaining to everyone that 4 million people in the UK work from home part/fulltime they do not believe me nor do they believe you can do a degree from home through the internet.
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Originally Posted by notaname
I think great points have been made in the other comments.
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Are you lazy, unproductive and unemployed?
No, I work hard but they view me this way by their comments.
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This was (is) a problem in my own marriage. I totally viewed my husband as lazy, unproductive and unemployed. His business (outside of the home) was/is a failure and so it may generate an income but there was never enough to give himself a paycheck. He would spend hours looking for jobs online that he wasn't qualified for rather than spending that time working towards recertification in his field where he could get a job.
At least he was trying despite the obsticles God loves a trier.
However, my husband has NEVER seen himself as lazy or unproductive. He thinks he is a very busy and productive person.
I think set hours will help and a set office space. Limit yourself to those set hours and then you need to make an effort to connect emotionally with your wife every day. Spend time talking about hopes and dreams and goals.
I view tv and computer the same if they are being used recreationally.
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Originally Posted by luckyman
I can imagine that women might have a problem with a husband that is unemployed and spends all day on the computer instead of contributing to the welfare of the house and family. If this is the case, your situation can cause a great deal of stress in the home. I would try to see things from their perspective and try to set some clear expectations about what you do on the computer and when.
Apart from doing a few things round the house mowing the lawn and fixing a leaking tap there not much to do when your off.
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Originally Posted by magnoliagal
Oh good point I just went back and reread the post. I was tired when I posted my reply. I thought he "worked" at home as in gainful employment but if he's just learning, looking for a job, for 8 hours a day well yeah that's annoying. Gotta bring in a paycheck or yes women will have a problem with that behavior.
Well, I would rather look 8 hours plus for jobs than sit talking about nonsense and watching useless tv shows about abortions.
I am looking for advice on an issue which I have not just with my wife, but all women friends and family.
All women?
There seems to be a hate for men to be sitting in front of a computer for long periods taking like 5 hours at a time. I work from home and study from home on the internet and my wife as well as others see this as odd as they have not adjusted to the Internet life yet.
Quote:
Are you contributing to the household chores? Are you spending time with your wife when you are away from the computer?
Yes, I do the hoover at times the dishes mow the lawn and fix leaky taps. We go out for a walk and to the cinema and shopping for nothing sometimes.
Yes, personally I would like more time away from the computer and only use it for 1 or 2 hours per day. But I work 8 hours per day as do most people in offices use computers women somehow seem to accept that than sitting at home. They rather accept sitting and watching the TV or reading a newspaper than sitting at your computer.
When you are "sitting at home" are you earning income?
I have explained to my mother and wife that the computer is my teacher and income earner and I feel the more I use my computer the more I will be able to meet my bills and get the jobs I desire.
Quote:
I can't tell by this post if you are actually earning an income on your computer. What do you do?
Yes, I am a virtual IT assistant I fix computers and phone lines through phone, email and chat I also trade fx and sell on ebay.
I try to get it through to them that many people waste so much time in needless activities that is not going to get them anywhere. They seems to disagree and view me as lazy and unproductive and unemployed.
Wasting time is wasting time. I can waste time just as easily on the computer as I can watching TV. Could it be that you are unemployed? Could that be your wife's problem?
How can I change their view? I guess its women's nature to like a man who does physical heavy work like construction and fixing broken things rather than the computer stuff.
I can imagine that women might have a problem with a husband that is unemployed and spends all day on the computer instead of contributing to the welfare of the house and family. If this is the case, your situation can cause a great deal of stress in the home. I would try to see things from their perspective and try to set some clear expectations about what you do on the computer and when.
You will never convince her. You think you are right and she thinks she is right. You both have differing views. She does not like the way you earn a living.
She would not complain if you were bringing in major bucks. My guess is that you are not making much money at all and she is scared and frustrated at what *she feels* is your lack of motivation to become gainfully employed.
She is resentful of your work situation and every time she sees you sitting in front of the computer it builds.
Trying is all well and good, but bills must get paid. Looking for jobs for 8 hours a day online is a very inefficient way of going about things. That needs to be balanced with things like networking, making phone calls, working on interview skills and sending out resumes.
It sounds like you have a lot of resentment, too. It will be difficult for the two of you to get past this if you cannot each try to understand and validate the other viewpoint. People like to be heard and understood. You don't feel understood so you are resentful...she doesn't feel understood so she is resentful.
It also sounds like you don't respect her and she doesn't respect you.
How long have you been working on your degree and how much longer do you have to go?
Is she employed or does she sit around watching tv shows about abortion that you disapprove of?
It seems to me that this runs much deeper than computer time.
Spending Most Time On Computers 
