General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
I really wasn't sure where to put this post. Its more about a friend of mine, not a marriage or anything, although I'm sure there are people who can relate and have a spouse who might be like this.
What are your thoughts on people who never learn from their mistakes? They keep on making the same ones over and over. Even after family and friends and warned them or talked to them about things and the concern they have for them.
I have a friend who I love dearly, always stuck by her, BUT its starting to get to me. I do love and care for her, but her choices in everyday life just seem to be the wrong ones, and some of them dangerous ones. Its anything from her choices in men, to her kids, to her constant need to get pets, only to not take care of them or let something happen to them etc. She listens to no one! And yes, even after actually asking others for their advice/opinion. Its like, it doesn't matter what others say or think, regardless of whether her choices are poor or not, or is putting someone in danger, she is gonna do it, no matter what.
Shes one of these people who is very impulsive. Alot of her decisions are impulsive ones. She doesn't think long term, she thinks about what she wants NOW at the moment. Not how it might effect others, her kids, or family members etc. Just about all of her choices and decisions regarding lots of things usually end up bad. She will vow to not do this or that again, but a week later and shes right back doing what she said she wouldn't.
Like I said I have stood by her, probably more so than others and probably longer than I should have, because she has lost many friends over being selfish and putting herself before others, and her poor sometimes dangerous choices. She puts herself in harms way her kids at times etc.
Sometimes I get so emotional and overwhelmed by it all because I am her friend, and it frustrates me she doesn't listen to anyone, that I feel like just backing off from being her friend. I don't really want to, and she probably needs a friend although I have been treated poorly by her before, but at the same time, its like she is this emotional vampire for me, and I feel I have to think of my own sanity at times.
I do not understand WHY some people do not learn?? Why do they continue on a path of self destruction? Sorry guess I just needed to vent, thanks!
I'm not sure why some people never learn. Perhaps, its from low self esteem, entitlement issues, or maybe they were never held accountable for anything and never appreciated much, so therefore its all about them and feel they deserve whatever. Of course that might fall under the entitlement category.
Even though we all have made impulsive decisions at times, I think when one basically lives their life based on just about all their decisions being impulsive, then that can be quite dangerous. I too, knew of someone like your friend. Nothing was ever really carefully thought through, things were made on impulse. And they ended up in some pretty dangerous situations, one that almost cost them their life.
As far as your friend goes, I can't tell you if you need to stop being her friend or not. Sounds like you have been a good one. However, you do need to take care of you. Try not to worry so much about her choices, just be glad you have some kind of common sense to not be like that.
I understand you feel bad for her, and that you want to help and wish she would see the light. However, if her choices bring about bad consequences then so be it. As you said, she had been warned before about things and how they could have a bad impact on her, or her kids.
If you feel you need to take step back from that relationship, then you do. You said yourself she had treated your poorly before.
It's because at a certain age, people will not change drastically. They may make a few smaller changes (will only take in 1 pet per month instead of three) but generally speaking the way you are in your 20's is how you will be for the rest of your life (barring serious medical intravenous).
This goes for you, too. If you feel you need to give her your opinions, you will probably never change and the cycle will be that she asks, you offer, she screws up and you feel bad. You may be able to take yourself out of the equation but she will have to help herself.
People change all the time on the inside. Constantly. The problem is that their outer shells are ****ed up. I learn all the time from my mistakes. Then I go and act the same way I did before for yet another D'OH moment.
Looking for attention? self destructive? Do you think she's doing it on purpose, deliberately? Or just dumb? Sometimes I think they do things like that to attract attention, even though it is a mistake. At least it's SOME kind of attentin.
Looking for attention? self destructive? Do you think she's doing it on purpose, deliberately? Or just dumb? Sometimes I think they do things like that to attract attention, even though it is a mistake. At least it's SOME kind of attentin.
You could be on to something, attention seeking could be part of it, but not sure. I know she recently asked for tons of opinions about something from others, and when everyone responded to not do it for various reasons, she went out two days later and did it anyway. Its almost like, she knew how people would respond but already made it up in her and she was going to to whatever, so whatever anyone else said didn't matter anyway. I do know she has had many "enablers" in her life and that might be part of the problem too. The more I think about, the more I think even I have been and not even really realized it until recently.
People who live their life in a impulsive manner usually have some kind of mental issue(s) going on. Your friend may or may not be aware of having any kind of mental issues that could be contributing to her behavior. And as you mentioned, her having enablers in her life, thats probably got alot to do with it as well. IMO, I think people who do not learn from their mistakes are usually ones who weren't or haven't been held accountable for anything they have ever done, they haven't ever really suffered from any kind of consequence.
One of my dear friend's oldest son is like this, he has ADD, no matter what he starts, he can not finish, always impulsive, love him to death but he drives me crazy. I know better than to depend on him for anything.
I wouldn't throw any of these type friends to the curb, but eventually they may get sick of me if /when I stressed how blunderish their lifestyle is and I wouldn't be there to pick up the peices when they go against sound wisdom before running with these careless impulses.
I always let this type learn their own lessons, but yeah, funny thing is --they often don't learn, but run right back into the fire again. What can one do! Some of their excuses are truly halarious after the fact too.
I have a friend who I love dearly, always stuck by her, BUT its starting to get to me. I do love and care for her, but her choices in everyday life just seem to be the wrong ones, and some of them dangerous ones. Its anything from her choices in men, to her kids, to her constant need to get pets, only to not take care of them or let something happen to them etc. She listens to no one! And yes, even after actually asking others for their advice/opinion. Its like, it doesn't matter what others say or think, regardless of whether her choices are poor or not, or is putting someone in danger, she is gonna do it, no matter what.
my older sister is like this, too. I used to feel sorry for her and try to be there for her but she had a kid and her choices were endangering her child. I stopped feeling compassion for her at that point. Her choices are the pinnacle of insanity. I understand that when you're growing up you engage in behavior that is not good for you but you're supposed to learn! i couldnt handle talking to her anymore. it was just madness.
Not learning from your mistakes 
I do know she has had many "enablers" in her life and that might be part of the problem too. The more I think about, the more I think even I have been and not even really realized it until recently.
