General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
How respect is slowly gained/lost one interaction at a time
The list below comes from personal experience and observation. Let me know what I am missing. BTW - if you read the list and realize you are on the receiving end of a mountain of this type behavior - don't go and yell at your partner. Instead ask yourself why this is happening and what YOU are going to do about it.
My favorite is the bit about your partner not really listening to you even though they have no external distractions. That behavior does not imply they are a narcissist any more than it means you are boring. It MIGHT mean that you are choosing to inflict long conversations on them on topics that your best guy/girl friend finds interesting but that your spouse finds deadly boring.
I do believe if you allow the patterns below to become frequent/intense they act like acid by destroying respect and weakening the bond between you with the outcome being:
- I let you treat me poorly and you lose respect/love for me AND
- I lose respect/love for myself - but oddly still love you just as much
Focus/prioritization:
- Initiating a conversation while your partner is doing something (reading/texting) expecting and clearly being agreeable to getting at most their partial attention.
- Allowing your partner to initiate a conversation with you while they are engaged in an activity (reading/texting) that also requires concentration.
- Continuing a conversation even though your partner is getting frequently interrupted by kids/calls/texts/etc
- Continuing a conversation when your partner is clearly distracted/not fully engaged due to their "internal" state (boredom, fatigue, anxiety about something)
- Your partner rarely/never asks you about "your" day - about what you want to do
- Your partner expects you to respond much more quickly to their text/email/voicemails than they do to yours
Tone:
- Speaking to you as if you are less than an equal/a servant - issuing commands - instead of making requests
- Responding to a serious/awkward question you have asked - with silence - Interrupting you frequently and/or interrupting you without
acknowledging they have done so with a - "sorry I interrupted - what were you saying"?
- Allowing or subtly encouraging THEIR friends/family to routinely interrupt you
- Frequently putting you down in private sometimes under the guise of joking around
- Putting you down in public
- Being quickly/casually dismissive of your suggestions, requests and/or ideas
- When you first see each other at the end of a work day immediately complaining, nagging, launching into a long detailed self focused
interaction
- Responding with impatience/anger/indifference when you are trying to convey something important/intimate about yourself (such as initiating sex, or actually while you are having sex, or sharing a painful
experience)
What am I missing? Does anyone else think this stuff is important?
Re: How respect is slowly gained/lost one interaction at a time
Quote:
Originally Posted by MEM11363
The list below comes from personal experience and observation. Let me know what I am missing. BTW - if you read the list and realize you are on the receiving end of a mountain of this type behavior - don't go and yell at your partner. Instead ask yourself why this is happening and what YOU are going to do about it.
My favorite is the bit about your partner not really listening to you even though they have no external distractions. That behavior does not imply they are a narcissist any more than it means you are boring. It MIGHT mean that you are choosing to inflict long conversations on them on topics that your best guy/girl friend finds interesting but that your spouse finds deadly boring. If my wife feels an issue is important enough to discuss with me, then that is reason enough for me to be present to that conversation. I don't judge what she says by deciding if the topic is "boring" or not. Which, BTW, I find to be disrespectful in itself.
I do believe if you allow the patterns below to become frequent/intense they act like acid by destroying respect and weakening the bond between you with the outcome being:
- I let you treat me poorly and you lose respect/love for me AND
- I lose respect/love for myself - but oddly still love you just as much My wife and I do not treat each other poorly. I do not treat others poorly.
Focus/prioritization:
- Initiating a conversation while your partner is doing something (reading/text ing) expecting and clearly being agreeable to getting at most their partial attention. I have a right to expect that my wife will listen to me when I talk to her. She has the right to expect the same.
- Allowing your partner to initiate a conversation with you while they are engaged in an activity (reading/texting) that also requires concentration. I don't "allow" or "forbid" my wife to initiate a conversation. She will initiate as she feels appropriate.
- Continuing a conversation even though your partner is getting frequently interrupted by kids/calls/texts/etc ok
- Continuing a conversation when your partner is clearly distracted/not fully engaged due to their "internal" state (boredom, fatigue, anxiety about something) ok
- Your partner rarely/never asks you about "your" day - about what you want to do Grateful that this is not an issue for us
- Your partner expects you to respond much more quickly to their text/email/voicemails than they do to yours This isn't an issue for us
Tone:
- Speaking to you as if you are less than an equal/a servant - issuing commands - instead of making requests Wow! I feel sorry for those subjected to this!
- Responding to a serious/awkward question you have asked - with silence I know people like this So dysfunctional...SCREAMS passive aggressive!
- Interrupting you frequently and/or interrupting you without
acknowledging they have done so with a - "sorry I interrupted - what were you saying"? This is common courtesy
- Allowing or subtly encouraging THEIR friends/family to routinely interrupt you ???
- Frequently putting you down in private sometimes under the guise of joking around Ouch!
- Putting you down in public Doesn't happen. Can't IMAGINE what I would do!
- Being quickly/casually dismissive of your suggestions, requests and/or ideas
- When you first see each other at the end of a work day immediately complaining, nagging, launching into a long detailed self focused
interaction That would be trouble.
- Responding with impatience/anger/indifference when you are trying to convey something important/intimate about yourself (such as initiating sex, or actually while you are having sex, or sharing a painful
experience)
What am I missing? Does anyone else think this stuff is important?
I am very thankful that I am not involved in a relationship where such disrespect exists.
Re: How respect is slowly gained/lost one interaction at a time
Yes that's a very good list. Conversation skills have to be learned and practiced. On a very mundane level, make sure you can physically HEAR one another. There's nothing so irritating than constantly asking or being asked to repeat oneself.
I would also say you have to listen about 2x as much as you talk. As well as don't jump to answer the phone just because it rings.
Re: How respect is slowly gained/lost one interaction at a time
Question: What is the appropriate reply when a spouse says, "I'm sorry, you really look bored with what I'm talking about, should I stop?"
If I say "Yes", it implies that I don't care what he's talking about. It's important to him and I feel that I am being selfish by not listening. I feel guilty for not showing keen interest.
If I say "No, please continue", I am left frustrated and slightly resentful, trying desperately to keep my eyes from glazing over and giving myself mental slaps to keep myself awake.
Re: How respect is slowly gained/lost one interaction at a time
I would say I'm sorry can we take this up later. Something else is happening now, assuming it is. If you're just not engaged, I don't know, make up white lie.
Re: How respect is slowly gained/lost one interaction at a time
Is there a way to let him know this is just a topic you have little interest in? That no matter who was talking about it, you would not be interested in it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by MGirl
Question: What is the appropriate reply when a spouse says, "I'm sorry, you really look bored with what I'm talking about, should I stop?"
If I say "Yes", it implies that I don't care what he's talking about. It's important to him and I feel that I am being selfish by not listening. I feel guilty for not showing keen interest.
If I say "No, please continue", I am left frustrated and slightly resentful, trying desperately to keep my eyes from glazing over and giving myself mental slaps to keep myself awake.
Re: How respect is slowly gained/lost one interaction at a time
20 years, and the for most of the marriage I have been thick skinned and happy, but for the last few months I just cannot seem to take it anymore. I just am taking this attitude/behavior from him and I just cannot do it anymore. I do not know what to do. I feel crushed and dead inside and would just like someone to push me in the right direction. I know that is not right either, but I have lived my entire adult life (I married at 18) being told what to do and where to go. So now that I am so unhappy that I just cannot stand to be near him or even myself I do not know what to do with myself.... I do love the person he can be, I do not know the person he chooses to be. He uses the excuse that he told me he was a difficult person to be with, I have managed difficult with love and grace, this I cannot manage with any type of anything..... I am so lost and sad.
Re: How respect is slowly gained/lost one interaction at a time
Go to the mens clubhouse and read the threads on "manning up". No gender offence intended. Basically being too nice to some partners slowly turns them into very badly behaved people. Many times you can change your response to their behavior in such a way that they stop violating your boundaries.
For instance, he cannot MAKE you listen to him if he is being abusive. You tell him firmly and calmly you will not speak with him unless he can be calm and rational and leave the room or even the house if you need to in order to convince him that you mean it.
If you yell back at him he won't change. If you deny him the chance to interact unless he acts like a grown up - he will likely surprise you by how quickly he stops the nonsense.
Quote:
Originally Posted by abbylee
20 years, and the for most of the marriage I have been thick skinned and happy, but for the last few months I just cannot seem to take it anymore. I just am taking this attitude/behavior from him and I just cannot do it anymore. I do not know what to do. I feel crushed and dead inside and would just like someone to push me in the right direction. I know that is not right either, but I have lived my entire adult life (I married at 18) being told what to do and where to go. So now that I am so unhappy that I just cannot stand to be near him or even myself I do not know what to do with myself.... I do love the person he can be, I do not know the person he chooses to be. He uses the excuse that he told me he was a difficult person to be with, I have managed difficult with love and grace, this I cannot manage with any type of anything..... I am so lost and sad.
Re: How respect is slowly gained/lost one interaction at a time
He comes from a time when the husband runs the home, as do I. And he has a job of authority, which makes the "Manning up" a freaking joke. I have been thru the leaving the room, asking him to stop until he can talk calmly, every change you can come up with and it always ends up the same way, me giving in, feeling like crap and being the one to blame for whatever offense has happened to spark the discussion. However heated the discussion was, and it does not matter whether the discussion is in front of our children or not. I am ALWAYS the bad guy and end up there is not a chance to calm him until he has said his peace. It is exhausting. I am so torn...
Re: How respect is slowly gained/lost one interaction at a time
That's a good list. I think sometimes i make the mistake of not giving my full attention and so does he, but for the most part we do so. It is very disrespectful not to do that.
Re: How respect is slowly gained/lost one interaction at a time
Take a deep breath. This is all going to work out one way or another. Does he "yell at you" and lose his temper? Or is he calm but relentless?
Why do you end up giving in? Meaning, why don't you move out of the bedroom and refuse to speak with him until he apologizes?
BTW - do you two have a healthy physical/sex life?
Quote:
Originally Posted by abbylee
He comes from a time when the husband runs the home, as do I. And he has a job of authority, which makes the "Manning up" a freaking joke. I have been thru the leaving the room, asking him to stop until he can talk calmly, every change you can come up with and it always ends up the same way, me giving in, feeling like crap and being the one to blame for whatever offense has happened to spark the discussion. However heated the discussion was, and it does not matter whether the discussion is in front of our children or not. I am ALWAYS the bad guy and end up there is not a chance to calm him until he has said his peace. It is exhausting. I am so torn...
Re: How respect is slowly gained/lost one interaction at a time
I find myself often in a different situation. Whenever & I mean all the time, the wife comes in the front door and starts firing off questions. Most of them are inane, like "Is anything wrong, who called, are there any problems, etc etc) No of course not, nothings wrong the house didn't catch on fire, no one died or got in a shootout with the cops, or check the voice mail yourself or whatever. It's an interrogation. I really have to struggle not to explode at that. I feel like I'm treated like I'm 5 years old.
How respect is slowly gained/lost one interaction at a time 
