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post #16 of 484 (permalink) Old 01-29-2015, 10:51 AM Thread Starter
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Re: I asked him to move out.

Luckily I have good support. Sadly, I ADORE his parents and losing them is going to hurt just as bad, if not worse.

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post #17 of 484 (permalink) Old 01-29-2015, 11:02 AM
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Re: I asked him to move out.

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No, he has never yelled at my son again. That relationship was going well. Counseling for that issue never happened (he is in counseling for another issue.)

He has good qualities. He does. But he is immature and I just can't deal with that in a relationship anymore. I haven't felt appreciated for a while. He takes me for granted. He says he feels taken for granted. He is always going on and on about "all the sacrifices" he has made. But he never really lists anything. He has alluded to the fact that he has had to adjust to living with my kids. He has admitted that he is jealous of my relationship with them. We have always included him....watching movies together, playing board games, eating dinner at the table. He cooks, but I do most of the cleaning. According to him, he does most of the cleaning. I should have kept a log book. (HA!)

I don't play the blame game, but he loves to. I don't keep track of "who wrongs who." I have accepted his faults (to a point, obviously) without harping on them. But I don't think he is capable of affording me the same favors.

But I still love him. That hasn't changed. I KNOW I'm doing the right thing, but it's hard as hell.
Don't worry about "loving him". This is where you have to think with your brain and ignore your heart. You already know that he is no good and don't want to continue relationship with him.

It's over.

IN TIME (it will take few months).......you will no longer love him and will look at the entire situation from a completely different perspective......and laugh at yourself for wasting your time with such a man.

Keep your head up, be active (walks/sports).....go hang with friends/family.......and GIVE IT TIME!!!
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post #18 of 484 (permalink) Old 01-29-2015, 11:04 AM
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Re: I asked him to move out.

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He's not gone yet. This resolve is the hardest part. But I'm hanging in there. He says he will be gone by next week. We will see. Yes, he is hanging on tooth and nail.
I think he will make every promise there is not to have to leave. He said that in the heat of the moment and didn't expect you to agree. He knows how good he has it and he doesn't want to go. So be prepared for begging and pleading and pulling out all the stops as the day gets closer to the deadline. That is going to take tremendous strength on your part not to let him stay. I am someone who never changes my mind when I decide on a course of action. I do it regardless of how hard it is. That obviously helped during my divorce. I think of it as no choice. That's what you have to do too.
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post #19 of 484 (permalink) Old 01-29-2015, 11:08 AM
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Re: I asked him to move out.

I am sorry.
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post #20 of 484 (permalink) Old 01-29-2015, 11:14 AM
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Re: I asked him to move out.

I am glad you and your kids are going to be safe. Ignore the abuser speak on his way out the door. Hold onto your truth with everything you have. It will be your anchor. The rest will heal. Big hugs!! Proud of you for standing for better.

The day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to Blossom. - Anais Nin
Never underestimate the potential for things to improve in ways you cannot yet imagine. Karen Rohlf
Be soft as possible, but firm as necessary - Pat Parelli


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post #21 of 484 (permalink) Old 01-29-2015, 11:26 AM
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Re: I asked him to move out.

I'm curious... You said this was a learning experience, right? What did you learn?

And I support your decision whole-heartedly! Unfortunately, I think you might be in for a fight, since he seems to be a lazy, immature ass. The house is his residence too, and getting him out if he decides he doesn't want to leave may not be pleasant. :-(

C
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post #22 of 484 (permalink) Old 01-29-2015, 11:29 AM
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Re: I asked him to move out.

Yea, going forward don't ever buy real estate with someone you are not married to.

The day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to Blossom. - Anais Nin
Never underestimate the potential for things to improve in ways you cannot yet imagine. Karen Rohlf
Be soft as possible, but firm as necessary - Pat Parelli


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post #23 of 484 (permalink) Old 01-29-2015, 11:30 AM
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Re: I asked him to move out.

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I think he will make every promise there is not to have to leave. He said that in the heat of the moment and didn't expect you to agree. He knows how good he has it and he doesn't want to go. So be prepared for begging and pleading and pulling out all the stops as the day gets closer to the deadline. That is going to take tremendous strength on your part not to let him stay. I am someone who never changes my mind when I decide on a course of action. I do it regardless of how hard it is. That obviously helped during my divorce. I think of it as no choice. That's what you have to do too.
Yep, and lastly, IF by any chance you do change your mind OP.

Take his words with a grain of salt and WATCH HIS ACTIONS.

Document it if you have to! But do NOT allow verbal abuse/the treatment back into your life.......
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post #24 of 484 (permalink) Old 01-29-2015, 11:44 AM
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Re: I asked him to move out.

((((hugs))))

It hurts, I know......you are stronger this time around. For that, give yourself a pat on the back.

Don't know what else to say other than I am sending you huge cyber hugs.
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post #25 of 484 (permalink) Old 01-29-2015, 11:55 AM Thread Starter
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Re: I asked him to move out.

Thanks guys. Yes, I learned not to do the who "buy a house with someone" thing again. Honestly, I'm not as worried about that part. He HATES the legal system and will do all he can to avoid it. And our original agreement should hold firm in case it does go there. I just have to buy him out of his equity (which wasn't that much AT ALL.) And then refinance, which might be the kicker. But I can afford the payment easily, even if child support stops again, since the retirement kicked in. Thank God.

His parents are super supportive of him and (have been of) me too. I know they will probably try to get me to change my mind as well, BUT they will accept my decision and help him get out in the end. They are good people.

I learned also that it's ok to change my mind. I feel like I gave this relationship every chance I could have. Most of all, I learned how to stand up for me and mine. I've never been the "leaver" before, even though I should have in my past marriage.

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post #26 of 484 (permalink) Old 01-29-2015, 01:35 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I asked him to move out.

He just texted and said he was sorry he's been acting badly. That he's not angry anymore. He's ready to handle this without emotion or ugliness. We will work out the details and he will move out this weekend.

Why does he choose NOW to act maturely? Why couldn't it have been months ago?
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post #27 of 484 (permalink) Old 01-29-2015, 01:38 PM
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Re: I asked him to move out.

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Originally Posted by GA HEART View Post
He just texted and said he was sorry he's been acting badly. That he's not angry anymore. He's ready to handle this without emotion or ugliness. We will work out the details and he will move out this weekend.

Why does he choose NOW to act maturely? Why couldn't it have been months ago?
Ignore the sweet Girl... let him walk.

I totally understand that emotion.

If there is reconciliation to be had, do it at a distance.

For now.. stay the course.

The day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to Blossom. - Anais Nin
Never underestimate the potential for things to improve in ways you cannot yet imagine. Karen Rohlf
Be soft as possible, but firm as necessary - Pat Parelli


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post #28 of 484 (permalink) Old 01-29-2015, 01:46 PM
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Re: I asked him to move out.

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Originally Posted by GA HEART View Post
He just texted and said he was sorry he's been acting badly. That he's not angry anymore. He's ready to handle this without emotion or ugliness. We will work out the details and he will move out this weekend.

Why does he choose NOW to act maturely? Why couldn't it have been months ago?
He's pulling all the stops. What he wants you to say is "Ok, don't move out just yet. Let's talk it over". Pfffffttt.....
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post #29 of 484 (permalink) Old 01-29-2015, 01:50 PM
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Re: I asked him to move out.

Oh goodness, here comes the kindness you have always wanted, hoping it is heart felt and feeling weak to let him stay. I get it, I have fallen time and time again but in the end nothing changes. i really do not think change can happen til they see their own behavior, realize it is a problem and seek some way to resolve their way of dealing with the issues.
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post #30 of 484 (permalink) Old 01-29-2015, 02:48 PM
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Re: I asked him to move out.

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Originally Posted by GA HEART View Post
Thanks guys. Yes, I learned not to do the who "buy a house with someone" thing again. Honestly, I'm not as worried about that part. He HATES the legal system and will do all he can to avoid it. And our original agreement should hold firm in case it does go there. I just have to buy him out of his equity (which wasn't that much AT ALL.) And then refinance, which might be the kicker. But I can afford the payment easily, even if child support stops again, since the retirement kicked in. Thank God.
Rates went back down recently so refinance might actually save you a big chunk (over time of course).

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Originally Posted by GA HEART View Post
His parents are super supportive of him and (have been of) me too. I know they will probably try to get me to change my mind as well, BUT they will accept my decision and help him get out in the end. They are good people.
If they are good people and you like them, and assuming you made your final decision. Call them and tell them that it's over and you are sorry and ask them politely to not interfere with it or try to change your mind.

If they are good people they will respect that and your relationship shouldn't really change.


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Originally Posted by GA HEART View Post
I learned also that it's ok to change my mind. I feel like I gave this relationship every chance I could have. Most of all, I learned how to stand up for me and mine. I've never been the "leaver" before, even though I should have in my past marriage.
Bravo, seriously. This is SO huge, I can't even begin to tell you proud of you everyone here is right now.

I know I am. Good work.

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