I asked him to move out. - Page 7 - Talk About Marriage
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post #91 of 484 (permalink) Old 02-02-2015, 08:20 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I asked him to move out.

And yes, smooth talker. Why does a 35 year old decently intelligent woman fall for something like that? Sigh.... He DID show it in his actions at first. The whole first year was great.

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post #92 of 484 (permalink) Old 02-02-2015, 08:53 PM
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Re: I asked him to move out.

The problem was he couldn't sustain those actions. Maybe it was more work than he imagined to try to make a relationship work.

Is he still texting?
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post #93 of 484 (permalink) Old 02-03-2015, 01:55 AM
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Re: I asked him to move out.

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Originally Posted by GA HEART View Post
Yes, and the ironic thing about it is that I think he only really wants it when he can't have it. He tried FOUR times in the last 3 days he was there to get into my pants. My bad for making myself readily avialable to him and desiring him in that way......to me that makes NO SENSE. But he mentioned several times on his way out that he would be willing to come back and cut the grass for a BJ.
Yikes! Cut the grass for a BJ? He's obviously trying to generate some feelings but it seems to me his avenue to get back with you seems to be sexually oriented, no surprise coming from a man. Funny how they don't care until they are tossed out on their ear and then they have to show you what a great person they are.

Don't cave.....be strong, think logically, find the things you want to do in life and don't question yourself. Move on. He can be nice now and I hope that remains but I have a feeling when he doesn't get what he wants from this situation you will see a less than admirable side.
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post #94 of 484 (permalink) Old 02-03-2015, 06:26 AM
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Re: I asked him to move out.

Keep preserving your dignity GA Heart.

You are doing great.

The day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to Blossom. - Anais Nin
Never underestimate the potential for things to improve in ways you cannot yet imagine. Karen Rohlf
Be soft as possible, but firm as necessary - Pat Parelli


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post #95 of 484 (permalink) Old 02-03-2015, 08:25 AM
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Re: I asked him to move out.

GA Heart, keep plugging along, day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute. You did the right thing.

My recently divorced friend has gone down your road re: $. She gets a monthly tidy sum from social security for her sons due to the death of their father. Stepdad, who adopted the boys, spent that money all on himself and his hobbies, while the boys did without.

My friend caught him cheating AGAIN, finally said no more, and pulled the plug. The range of emotions and actions this man went through in a short range of time was disturbing, yet fascinating to watch.

He saw his meal ticket was in danger. Turned on the sweet charm. Sure, she had a few backslides (who wouldn't?), but eventually saw through him. He turned on a dime when he realized his meal ticket was indeed gone. And well, you can guess. The tried and true a&&hole came out because that's what he is. an A&&hole. That's who he is by default. Sounds like your ex is cut from the same cloth.

Don't believe a word that comes out of his mouth, even the good things. It's all a smokescreen to win his meal ticket back.

Chin up, buttercup. It gets better. I promise. Although it doesn't feel like it, time is your friend right now. You'll get stronger every day.

Even though he 'settled' by being with you (for f&ck's sake OUCH), but that doesn't mean you have to settle for him.

Hang onto that anger and use it to propel you forward. You need it right now.
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post #96 of 484 (permalink) Old 02-03-2015, 08:37 AM
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Re: I asked him to move out.

That "settled for you" was merely his attempt to push her down for sure. Glad you are seeing through this stuff GH. Yes, totally ignore the sweet talk... nothing but wolf in sheeps clothing. If you listen closely you will hear his "real" intent.

The day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to Blossom. - Anais Nin
Never underestimate the potential for things to improve in ways you cannot yet imagine. Karen Rohlf
Be soft as possible, but firm as necessary - Pat Parelli


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post #97 of 484 (permalink) Old 02-03-2015, 09:09 AM Thread Starter
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Re: I asked him to move out.

THank you guys, truly.

I did backslide yesterday a bit. He called and texted several times, said he forgot to leave my spare truck key. He dropped it by the house (my son told me he was there and I drove REALLLLLLLY SLOWWWWWLY to avoid him.) Thankfully I missed him. But he said he needed to ask me an important question about "business." I sent a quick text telling him that I didn't have his money yet (can't pull $3,700 out of my arse) and expected that to be it. But he said he had another business question, so against my better judgement, I called. He asked me something stupid about the water bill that he could have called them for and then told me he just wanted to hear my voice. I said, "you heard it, bye." And hung up.

But then I started feeling more and more lousy and texted him to let him know he suceeded in making me feel worse. (There's my mistake and I know it.) Then we went back and forth a bit. It ended with him saying maybe he wasn't meant to love and be loved. I told him I honestly didn't think he knows HOW to love. And he said that might be true. I sent him a Bible verse (1 Corinthians 13:4-8) and left it at that. Haven't heard from him sense.

I have already cried more today than I did yesterday. But again it feels a little different. I"m sad over the loss of what I thought I had. Sad that I thought I FINALLY found real love, but I was tricked yet again. And sad that I am stupid enough to have found myself in that situation yet again. I guess I am proud of me for recognizing it this time though. Doens't make me any happier.......
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post #98 of 484 (permalink) Old 02-03-2015, 09:39 AM
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Re: I asked him to move out.

He pulled the pity card... more manipulation and it dug in deep girl to your self doubt. Shake it off.... psychological manipulation is the hardest of all the abuses to spot and avoid. Don't be too hard on yourself, but there are definitely books to help you avoid it next time.

Yes, and opening the door gives him an opportunity to fish these hooks in. Protect your heart by leaving the door shut.

The day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to Blossom. - Anais Nin
Never underestimate the potential for things to improve in ways you cannot yet imagine. Karen Rohlf
Be soft as possible, but firm as necessary - Pat Parelli


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post #99 of 484 (permalink) Old 02-03-2015, 10:49 AM
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Re: I asked him to move out.

It's going to take awhile for him to realize his gravy train is no more so expect him to continue and go over in your mind how you will react when it happens.

I once broke three months of no contact when I answered an email but then I immediately started the no contact clock running again. I tracked every day of no contact until I reached a week. Then I tracked weeks until I reached a month. Then months until I reached a year. After that, I quit counting. I was over him.

This is not a quick process and it doesn't help that he's continuing to try to get his lifestyle back. Yes, it's difficult and, yes, it hurts. But you can do it!!
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post #100 of 484 (permalink) Old 02-03-2015, 11:43 AM Thread Starter
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Re: I asked him to move out.

I know I can't make him love me. I know he DID in his weird way, but not in the way I need or deserve. I know that isn't something that can be forced, even if he tried. So I know I don't need him back. I don't even really want him back.

But *I* still love him, and that's the sticker. The stupid "helper" in me is wanting to help him still. How the heck do I get over that?

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post #101 of 484 (permalink) Old 02-03-2015, 12:06 PM
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Re: I asked him to move out.

Help him by staying clear of him. He will not be helped by a relationship with you and both of you will continue to be harmed as well as your kids.

Your love and affection won't fix what is wrong with him. They are gifts to be given to a deserving man not a cure for the emotionally stunted.
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post #102 of 484 (permalink) Old 02-03-2015, 12:11 PM
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Re: I asked him to move out.

You get over it by telling yourself he's a user and you deserve better. Every time you think of him you imagine a huge stop sign popping up and you redirect your thoughts and focus on something else.

It's only been a week. You have a very long time to go before you're over him. But it's a setback every time you respond to his texts or talk to him because contact prolongs the healing process.

Love is an addiction and like any other it's very difficult to break.
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post #103 of 484 (permalink) Old 02-03-2015, 12:15 PM
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Re: I asked him to move out.

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Originally Posted by GA HEART View Post

But *I* still love him, and that's the sticker. The stupid "helper" in me is wanting to help him still. How the heck do I get over that?
Hello Fellow Helper!!! I am too. Took me 12 long years to leave my abusive ex BF because I thought I could help him. It just got worse.

Listen. His problems are bigger than what you can help him with. And as to your help so far, to quote Dr. Phil (sorry): 'How's that workin fer ya?'

Stop being a martyr and altruistic about this (I say this with 100% respect). This isn't about you. It's about him. He failed.

I really like how Openminded ticked away each day of NC. I like that visual. This may sound trite, but get a funny calendar and each day that passes with NC, cross it off. Promise yourself a treat at the end of say, a week, a month of NC.

And don't beat yourself up about slipping up. It's like a diet. You eat something bad for you, well guess what, tomorrow's another day and you hoist yourself back on that diet train again. Same with NC.

We're pulling for you! Stay strong!
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post #104 of 484 (permalink) Old 02-03-2015, 02:04 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I asked him to move out.

The plot thickens.

MIL (not really, but that's what I called her) texted me back. She has been sick. She says she loves me and the boys and is heartbroken with "our" decision, but if we are happy, so be it. And she hopes to see us soon. I answered that I am very heartbroken and not happy at all, and that I would pass her love on to the boys. I wanted to add more, but I didn't. I know that he is her son and will always be number 1 and there is no point. SHE will help him get back to where he needs to be and hopefully will see what I did soon enough. I guess.

And just an hour ago I found out that my juvenile delinquent 17 year old adopted son who was living with his bio mom just got kicked out and will be moving back in with me to avoid dropping out of school. Life has been so peaceful with him gone. I missed him, but didn't miss his crap.

Really, God? Really?
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post #105 of 484 (permalink) Old 02-03-2015, 02:05 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I asked him to move out.

Oh and I wonder if the whole FB thing was just made up by the BF. She has always had health issues, and I"m pretty sure she wouldn't have been on FB if she was in the bed. @sshole.
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