And it sucks.
I'm hurting badly. I want to be weak and just stop the process and hope it all goes away. But I can't. Because it won't.
When things are good, they are GREAT! I love him and we have a great time together. He is a very good friend, and understands me more than any man ever has.
But when things are bad, they are AWFUL. When we argue he gets UGLY....calls me a b*tch, tells me I just want "new meat," tells me to "go ahead and call the cops on him" (wtf?,) etc.
More and more he has become super critical of what I do. In the past 3 weeks, he has tried to make me feel like I am a bad mother, have my priorities in the wrong places, and he flat out called me irresponsible. I am NONE of those things. But I was starting to believe them......I found that everytime he mentioned something to be about how I needed to do things differently (his way) I changed myself to try and make him happy. But it was never enough.
It all came to a head the other day (the irresponsible statement.) I had genuinely forgotten to make a phone call to the propane company. Our tank still had 30%. I HAD called and left them a message, but they never called back (less than 24 hours) but because I didn't do it the next day, all of a suddon, I am irresponsible.
I work full time. I pay ALL my bills (and most of the household bills) on time. Have NEVER had anything disconnected or even had to pay late fees. I am a GOOD mom to my boys. They need nothing and want for little. They both make good grades and behave. I clean the house. I lived on my own for 3 years before we moved in together and didn't have any issues taking care of business. I open myself up to him for sex ANY time he wants it (have NEVER turned him down, but he has turned me down plenty.)
So HE said he was moving out. And I said ok and have stuck with it. Then he backtracks.....
"I'm not ready to let go of what we have."
"We should do counseling" (Mentioned before, but nothing ever came of it.)
"You're the one causing this."
"You don't care how much I'm hurting."
"I guess I will take this ring I bought you back." (Called him out on that, there was no ring.)
"I want my money back out of the house." (he paid 25% of the down payment, I paid the rest.....and most of the mortgage payments.)
"You only see what you want to see."
"You don't take responsibility for your actions."
Among other statements. Not ONCE has he said anything about losing ME.
My brain gets it. My heart is being a b*tch.