It has been an interesting two weeks.
Good for me, for sure.
For my marriage? I don't know.
For my husband? I don't know.
I'm posting so I can get these thoughts out of my head and maybe get support.
Here's the skinny:
Two weeks ago, I posted that H lost his temper and left my grandmother's house during dinner.
Link to that discussion is here:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/24159-handled-hs-disrespect-well-i-could-end-my-rope-men-help-5.html#post296925
I was out of town for the next two weeks, and I kept my temp and tone cool for the most part.
I distanced. He had pushed me away with his angry outburst and storm-out.
Not to mention his clear refusal to talk calmly about his frustration.
So in short, we didn't talk for 2 weeks.
Polite texts here and there, but that's it.
But I made peace within myself emotionally and spiritually with what had happened, and decided to extend an olive branch in a way I was comfortable:
I sent him a facebook message--peaceful, no "discussion" about what had happened, but no lovey-dovey either. Just a "hey, hope you're well, see you in a few days" message.
No reply from him.
Cut to Thursday--he was scheduled to drive 5 hours, pick up my sister, and drive 4 more hours to meet me at my parents' house for Easter weekend.
So I called him to touch base and wish him safe driving.
I heard the tension in his voice and asked what was wrong. He lashed out: "Youre upset!! Stop lying and telling me you're not upset!!!"
I stayed cool and exited the conversation.
My take on it: he was UNHAPPY with where I stand/stood.
With my response to what had happened.
He wanted lovey dovey phone calls from me.
He didn't get that, so he attacked me.
(forget that he couldve called me.)
He couldn't stand that he wasn't controlling our communication.
Well, here's the thing: I was and am perfectly happy with where I stood/stand, and I can accept that he's not.
But if he's not, I won't be yelled at and attacked irrationally.
If he's mad, he can tell me. And we can talk.
But projecting feelings onto ME, I won't tolerate anymore.
Thursday--He arrived with my sister.
In private, she informed me that he had vented to her about what had happened.
Clearly he had his own version/interpretation. Fine. His view is just as valid as mine.
So I approached him and told him if it was still bugging him, he could talk directly to me, later when we're alone.
He obtusely said "I don't know what you're talking about." Fine.
So all weekend I made a conscious and true effort to NOT do the things that set our conflict in motion: correcting him, editing him, asking him for anything, being needy, opening up serious discussions, arguing with him.
Even other people noticed I was much more relaxed with him, even when he did his irritating behaviors: dominated conversations, interrupted people, (not just me), bragged, etc.
I acted as if I truly didnt give a damn what he says or does or how.
Because increasingly, I don't.
And I've treated him with respect at the same time...positive, upbeat, engaging him in conversation, listening to his pov, smiling, happy.
The thing is, I am at the point where I almost just don't care anymore.
I'm so sick of his constant need to prove himself at every turn, that I'm just sitting back, watching, and holding my ground without reacting.
I'm at the point where I can pull back, know I'm doing everything I can, and just LET him punch more holes in this relationship.
Because he has consistently rejected my repair attempts for months.
So if he wants to try to mend, I'm more than happy to participate in that.
But I no longer feel the need to initiate the "fixing."
He seems far too determined to push back those attempts, that it's doing us no good.
And I'm shouldering both our emotional loads,
If it comes time for me to walk, I'll know I've done everything I can.
Right now I feel free of my resentment toward him, and forgiving of him.
But also stable enough in myself to stay detached, care for myself, relax, and wait and see without baiting my breath.
And I feel like I can accept whatever the outcome.
Who knew that finally not giving a damn would feel so good.
I don't know what's going to happen.
But I am gradually becoming free of the inner compulsion to "make" something happen.
So we'll see what he does..,or doesn't do.
Posted via Mobile Device
Good for me, for sure.
For my marriage? I don't know.
For my husband? I don't know.
I'm posting so I can get these thoughts out of my head and maybe get support.
Here's the skinny:
Two weeks ago, I posted that H lost his temper and left my grandmother's house during dinner.
Link to that discussion is here:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/24159-handled-hs-disrespect-well-i-could-end-my-rope-men-help-5.html#post296925
I was out of town for the next two weeks, and I kept my temp and tone cool for the most part.
I distanced. He had pushed me away with his angry outburst and storm-out.
Not to mention his clear refusal to talk calmly about his frustration.
So in short, we didn't talk for 2 weeks.
Polite texts here and there, but that's it.
But I made peace within myself emotionally and spiritually with what had happened, and decided to extend an olive branch in a way I was comfortable:
I sent him a facebook message--peaceful, no "discussion" about what had happened, but no lovey-dovey either. Just a "hey, hope you're well, see you in a few days" message.
No reply from him.
Cut to Thursday--he was scheduled to drive 5 hours, pick up my sister, and drive 4 more hours to meet me at my parents' house for Easter weekend.
So I called him to touch base and wish him safe driving.
I heard the tension in his voice and asked what was wrong. He lashed out: "Youre upset!! Stop lying and telling me you're not upset!!!"
I stayed cool and exited the conversation.
My take on it: he was UNHAPPY with where I stand/stood.
With my response to what had happened.
He wanted lovey dovey phone calls from me.
He didn't get that, so he attacked me.
(forget that he couldve called me.)
He couldn't stand that he wasn't controlling our communication.
Well, here's the thing: I was and am perfectly happy with where I stood/stand, and I can accept that he's not.
But if he's not, I won't be yelled at and attacked irrationally.
If he's mad, he can tell me. And we can talk.
But projecting feelings onto ME, I won't tolerate anymore.
Thursday--He arrived with my sister.
In private, she informed me that he had vented to her about what had happened.
Clearly he had his own version/interpretation. Fine. His view is just as valid as mine.
So I approached him and told him if it was still bugging him, he could talk directly to me, later when we're alone.
He obtusely said "I don't know what you're talking about." Fine.
So all weekend I made a conscious and true effort to NOT do the things that set our conflict in motion: correcting him, editing him, asking him for anything, being needy, opening up serious discussions, arguing with him.
Even other people noticed I was much more relaxed with him, even when he did his irritating behaviors: dominated conversations, interrupted people, (not just me), bragged, etc.
I acted as if I truly didnt give a damn what he says or does or how.
Because increasingly, I don't.
And I've treated him with respect at the same time...positive, upbeat, engaging him in conversation, listening to his pov, smiling, happy.
The thing is, I am at the point where I almost just don't care anymore.
I'm so sick of his constant need to prove himself at every turn, that I'm just sitting back, watching, and holding my ground without reacting.
I'm at the point where I can pull back, know I'm doing everything I can, and just LET him punch more holes in this relationship.
Because he has consistently rejected my repair attempts for months.
So if he wants to try to mend, I'm more than happy to participate in that.
But I no longer feel the need to initiate the "fixing."
He seems far too determined to push back those attempts, that it's doing us no good.
And I'm shouldering both our emotional loads,
If it comes time for me to walk, I'll know I've done everything I can.
Right now I feel free of my resentment toward him, and forgiving of him.
But also stable enough in myself to stay detached, care for myself, relax, and wait and see without baiting my breath.
And I feel like I can accept whatever the outcome.
Who knew that finally not giving a damn would feel so good.
I don't know what's going to happen.
But I am gradually becoming free of the inner compulsion to "make" something happen.
So we'll see what he does..,or doesn't do.
Posted via Mobile Device