General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
My wife tells me she feels empty and no longer feels she wants to be intimate with me. We have worked together at our business through some very stressful times and I believe she is worn out trying to make things work. I believe I have been depressed because of it and was kinda of tuning out. She says she still loves me. She has talked about leaving, she has not. I love her dearly and feel I have taken her for granted. I was not there for her when she needed me and worse I did not recognize the problem. She feels it has been going on for several years. Although I should have known I feel I only found this all out several weeks ago. She is moving to a new job which will relieve some of the work issues but I need some advice to save my marriage. I love her and will do anything reasonable to correct this if I can. We are talking and she is seeing a counselor but things are up and down every day. It is killing me. Please help.
Are you talking as in not giving each other the cold shoulder, or are you talking as in talking honestly and openly about the issues?
Are you seeing a marriage guidance counsellor together, or is your wife seeing a counsellor individually? It may be a good idea to go to a marriage guidance counsellor together to open the lines of communication and be present to hear each other's topics with a third party present who can offer support and guidance.
Yes we are talking. Some conversations have gone on for hours. So I feel she is trying but it is almost as if I am too late. She even mentioned that once.
She is seeing a counselor alone now. She said it was her problem at first. The ol “its not you its me” But I know it will take the both of us to repair things. She is open to the both of us seeing someone and I am trying to arrange that now.
I am listening intently to everything she says. I just wish I had known a year ago. Up till now she has not been able to tell me any exact cause. She told me that she wanted to take an informal separation because she feels like she wants to run away. I finally agreed and she left to stay at a female friends home. I was devastated but then she called at like 2 am and came back.
I appreciate it may be frustrating or difficult if she can't give you an "exact cause", does she give you small indications? Is it a build up of things? Whatever it is, hopefully the marriage guidance will help her express this and also help her hear your issues so I really recommend it. If your wife is aware and has agreed to you arranging the marriage guidance then this is hopefully a positive sign, as is her return the same day she asked for an informal separation. Good luck.
To quote a friend of mine, "how your wife feel's today, is'nt how she has to feel tomorrow."
I heard many of the same things from my wife, I was sure it was over. A year later and we are happier than ever, so keep the faith.
Her perception of you today is based on your history. It sounds like you have a good idea of your mistakes, start changing them now, give her some space to watch you grow, show her that you are not going to be the same man. Give it time to be real so that she can trust it. As her perception of you changes, your marriage changes with it.
Dont rush it, it takes time and effort, but it can be done.
I've experienced it quite a few times while taking care of my husband post-TBI.
What helped me was to vent and talk it out. I talked with my GFs, my counselor, etc., to work through that "temporary crisis."
Sometimes I feel overwhelmed by my life and it puts me into a type of depression and woe is me type attitude. It feels like nothing is right, nothing is working, I'm not happy, people around me aren't happy, I want to leave, start over, etc., etc.
But I work through it by talking about it and realizing that while yes - a lot in my life does suck - I have a lot to be thankful for also.
Maybe this is where she is at and needs someone to talk to to take some of the burden (someone other than you probably).
I said it before in another post - how you view your future depends on how you reconcile your past. A lot of people hinge their future on their past and if your past is not a shinning example - then the future seems bleak too.
People believe people can't change. They will continue to see the negative until the positive keeps hitting them in the face and they can no longer ignore it. It takes time.
You guys are great. Just being able to lay it out there with you guys is a relief as I don’t want to diminish our relationship by telling my friends about this. I am trying to move forward as if everything is going to be alright, and because of that I am a little freaked out by laying this on my friends. If things work out like I am hoping for then I would feel bad. I asked her tonight if she was ready to go to counseling together and she wants me to go see a counselor by myself first because I am not talking to anyone about it. I said fine, I will have an appointment by tomorrow. I don’t have a problem with it but the only thing I am going to be talking about is my current situation. I don’t mind seeing someone but I want to get some stuff done together. I guess it takes time. All the post and everything I am reading are telling me that this did not happen overnight and it is not going to be repaired quickly. I am still shell shocked as this has been something she has been apparently dealing with for months while I was clueless. I am trying to adapt as quickly as possible. I expected to be married to her forever. Didn’t know I had to pay attention. Silly me.
I know I burned her out. I am just hoping that now that I am on it she will come around. It seem I have to be measured in everything I am doing. Too much too little etc... Dont want to overdue anything. As a man I am ready to get things done, but women dont seem to move at the same speed.
Thanks. I am used to going in and getting things done. I am on a different pace then I am used to. I dont mind waiting if everything is as it seems. I woud wait a long time for her to get right if we would get things worked out and were happy for the rest of our lives. I really love her.
Thanks. I am used to going in and getting things done. I am on a different pace then I am used to. I dont mind waiting if everything is as it seems. I woud wait a long time for her to get right if we would get things worked out and were happy for the rest of our lives. I really love her.
Hi Steve,
People's feelings change every day but what is important is that our values stay the same. The best thing you can do is define values for yourself and stay true to them. eg. 1) Love your wife unconditionally, 2) Work through your own problems, 3) Constantly talk, give, appreciate your wife, etc etc.
In your situation, from experience, the best thing to do is be pro-active. If you need further marriage help, feel free to check out what saved my marriage -> Stop Divorce
I know I burned her out. I am just hoping that now that I am on it she will come around. It seem I have to be measured in everything I am doing. Too much too little etc... Dont want to overdue anything. As a man I am ready to get things done, but women dont seem to move at the same speed.
No we don't - just let her decompress in her own way.
I get over things fast, so my burnout doesn't really last that long, but when I get it - I just want the time to work it out.
Remember - people always recognize the negative in others - it's the positive that takes longer to recognize. When the positive becomes the norm, then it's easier to see it.
I know that I have made numerous positive changes, but my husband will continue, on occasion to address the negative aspect of those changes as though the positive aren't even being noticed. Takes 30 days to make a habit, another 30 to break it. Eventually - he will notice, I just have to be patient.
My wife tells me she feel empty 
