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Insulting spouse when stressed

5K views 102 replies 16 participants last post by  DoneWithHurting 
#1 ·
I'm new here, hope to share my full story when I have time. for now just a question:
How do you handle it when your spouse turns general annoyances--like stress from work--into issues about YOU and turns against you? exampke: if he's annoyed that his employees make excuses for not doing what he's trained them to do, then when you do something that reminds him of that, he tells you "you are a person who makes excuses" ?
 
#2 · (Edited)
A spouse who successfully tries to run a business or is in charge of a number of employees should always try to adopt the businessman's mantra of "never bringing their business problems to their home, nor should they ever bring their family problems to their place of business!"
 
#5 ·
Thank you. Fortunately I did reply calmly. But what's hard is the hurt inside from years of this. I would like to be stronger and less vulnerable to his daggers, so my outside cool isn't in such dissonance with my inside pain. He lacks empathy during conflicts.
I want to stay married and I hope to stay level-headed, mature and strong enough in response to him, that it changes the dynamic. I have done years of therapy. He's done some. We've done counseling together. He won't go back with me.
 
#8 ·
Well not every spouse does this, for starters. My wife does, however. The best thing to do is learn to remain calm. It's not really about you, and while he doesn't have the right to take his stress out on you, it's not really a reflection on anything you're doing wrong. You can say, CALMLY, "I don't like the way you are talking to me right now. I'm not going to respond if you speak to me in that tone" or "If you have a problem with something I did, you can just tell me what it is. I'm not going to listen to your insults."
 
#9 ·
Are you confronting him when he feels particularly raw about the problem? Early in our marriage, my wife had the habit of trying to help while the blood was still on my knuckles (metaphorically and sometimes literally). That's a great time to get your head bit off.

Is he more rational after having a chance to calm down?
 
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#49 ·
:iagree:

You can't change him, but you can recognize when he's like this and avoid interacting with him until he gets himself together. And when he is calmer, suggest that he seek some means of stress relief.

Lastly, it is worth it to ask yourself if there's any truth in what he's saying. Sure, he says it in a mean and biting way, but it may still be an issue for you. Consider if his message has some merit.
 
#10 ·
Also, figure out why it scares or rankles you when he does it, and learn to control your fear. Do you think he'll leave you? Are you afraid he's right about you and it makes you a lesser person? Hopefully there's no fear of violence (if there were I would give you different advice). As long as he's not going to hurt you, you can learn to be less afraid of him. I came to see my wife's storms as little tempests in teapots, to be honest, and I think me being calm even helps her calm down.
 
#11 ·
Yes, we do have some good times. We spend time together, laugh together, and he does helpful and even thoughtful things often. But our good times are far too often punctuated by damaging conflict. He knows what our issues are and his main frustrations are:
He feels like he can't speak freely snd say whatever comes to mind without me reacting and arguing with him.
He feels like I demand too much and am needy.
I wish I could write more right now but I have no time at work to do so.
 
#13 ·
So it sounds like you tend to be defensive? That is consistent with his complaint about you making excuses, which you mentioned.

It sounds like you both have aspects of the way you communicate that you need to work on. A spouse He needs to speak to you more respectfully -- he should be able to get a point across to you without hurling insulting words like "needy" or yelling. At the same time, I am guessing, from reading between the lines, that part of the dynamic is also your defensiveness.
 
#14 ·
Welcome to the club of the angry men spouses. Read "Love busters" - are the first three of the busters about your marriages?

Nothing damages relationship more than angry, verbally abusive and demeaning spouse. It goes against love, mutual respect, trust. You will start withdrawing slowly to the place where he cannot hurt you anymore.

Hopefully it is not too late for you to start working on it. Your level of resentment is not that high yet. You have to communicate clearly to him how does this make you feel, and request that he treats you as equal partner, not his subordinate. Hopefully he will get it, and start working on it.
 
#15 ·
Yes turnera I have. I've read tons of books. We're currently reading five love languages together but sometimes it seems like it is making our issues worse. Thanks for pointing out that my defensiveness is also at play. It's hard for me because the tone of his attitude toward me has been so critical that my default is to be insecure with how he feels about me. I will try to share more later.
 
#17 ·
"He feels like he can't speak freely snd say whatever comes to mind"

Newsflash: Neither can anyone else. We all have to measure our words to our loved ones and we all are concerned with getting a reaction that may not have been anticipated.

No one has the right to just blurt out whatever mean, demeaning or hurtful thing pops into their mind and then accuse the recipient of being 'too sensitive' or argumentative. If he wants to pull that stuff, tell him to 'talk to the hand'.
 
#18 ·
WandaJ, how helpful do you think love busters could be if I'm the only one who reads it?
How can I mitigate my defensiveness if I'm burned from so many verbal insults?
How can I not feel so hurt inside while trying to set and enforce boundaries calmly on the outside?
These aren't rhetorical questions, if anyone actually believes there are answers.
 
#22 ·
Thank you turnera. I will get love busters and get on it myself.
What I need to protect myself from, is the hurtful words. He doesn't assault me ongoing--he "reacts" to me "pushing" him. When he slings a dagger, he WANTS me to back off--because he wants to be free to sling a dagger without consequence. He does not follow me. He wants to end the conversation. But he does not want to be accountable for his words.
Currently we are in a Cold War. We drive to work together and did so this morning with minimal conversation. I am feeling like a burned, hurt vulnerable little child. I don't enjoy that feeling. Being in his presence right now makes me uncomfortable.
Perhaps if I get better boundaries, I will be able to remove myself from the situation when it hurts me, and give MYSELF enough time out to care for myself, until I feel comfortable returning to where he is? In other words--not hope or wait for something from him. Because hoping to discuss/clarify/get resolution more calmly on issues, does not work. He doesn't participate in calm productive problem solving conversations.
Unfortunately this just sounds like rugsweeping.
 
#24 ·
Perhaps if I get better boundaries, I will be able to remove myself from the situation when it hurts me, and give MYSELF enough time out to care for myself, until I feel comfortable returning to where he is? In other words--not hope or wait for something from him. Because hoping to discuss/clarify/get resolution more calmly on issues, does not work. He doesn't participate in calm productive problem solving conversations.
Unfortunately this just sounds like rugsweeping.
No, it's training. It might help you to write out what you would LIKE things to go like. Maybe even a sample conversation of how you'd like it to go. Armed with that information, you can say to him, "when you say ABC, I feel XYZ. I want to stop feeling that way, so when you say ABC, I'm going to have to change things. I'm open to suggestions but if you don't have any, I think I'm going to go (travel in separate cars, take a bath, skip the event, call my mom, volunteer...fill in the appropriate response).

Of course, then you have to actually DO the things, no matter how he reacts.

There's an amazing little book called The Dance Of Anger that many therapists recommend. It teaches women how to say no, how to not accept poor behavior, without angering the other person. You might want to give it a read. Anyway, the author says that when you start making these changes, the other person is going to do what's called "Change Back!" behavior - to try to put you back into your 'role.' That's good, cos it shows you're having an effect on them, and that they're learning to adapt to the new, stronger you.
 
#25 ·
I read that one too. Maybe will reread. He's definitely trying to keep us stuck in dysfunctional roles and dance. He has a negative world view, marriage view, and therefore me-view.
John lee, I will later transcribe last night's conversation as I remember it. I appreciate in advance your thoughts.
 
#27 ·
Here's how it went last night.
Background: I used the term "employees" loosely. They're not his employees. We both work at a school. I'm a teacher, he's the tech admin. People call him constantly to help, teach, train them in their tech needs. He has a short patience level for what he sees as ineptitude and helplessness.
Me: "today in my classroom I dod x with my kids. They took turns two at a time at the three conputers."
Him: "cool. You could reserve the mobile cart by booking it on the calendar wiz."
Me: "I don't know how to do that. Remember I missed that training that day?" (Because I had been on maternity leave)
Him: "that's just an excuse."
Me: "what, that I don't know how? i don't see how it's an excuse, because I'm not wanting to remain in ignorance about it, I want to learn it. It's just a statement of fact. I don't know. I would like to know. Can you show me?"
So he got my laptop and showed me. He had an annoyed tone and the topic of what's an "excuse" or not went back and forth between us.
So then when I thought things were calmer between us, I said:
"How many people at the school bother to use this tool that you made?"
Him: "like nobody."
Me: "okay, so o understand how annoying it is that I didn't know, and it just reminded you of all the other people who don't oeaen or use the systems."
Then he said: "No, that's not it at all. It's you. You are a person who makes excuses."

THAT was the kick in the gut to me.

Because:
1. It's untrue and unfair. I do so many things that are hard and would be easier left undone and I refuse to make excuses. I work out, eat well, go to church, pump breast milk during my jam packed work day, cook, make homemade baby food, care for our infant, and am responsible at my job. It was just so unfair. Global character assessment that does not match my true character.

I stayed calm in my tone but I did engage. I tried to explain why I felt it was so unfair. I defended myself. I did not yell or curse or cry or whine. I took deep breaths and kept my voice even. But I conversed with him for at least another hour.

It's as though a switch went/goes off, and at that moment he suddenly sees me as the enemy. At one point he did say "I'm sorry I said it. But there is some truth to it."

He also told me he had said it because he's "sick of having to have these discussions" and "a part of him just wants to lash out."
 
#44 ·
Here's how it went last night.
Background: I used the term "employees" loosely. They're not his employees. We both work at a school. I'm a teacher, he's the tech admin. People call him constantly to help, teach, train them in their tech needs. He has a short patience level for what he sees as ineptitude and helplessness.
Me: "today in my classroom I dod x with my kids. They took turns two at a time at the three conputers."
Him: "cool. You could reserve the mobile cart by booking it on the calendar wiz."
Me: "I don't know how to do that. Remember I missed that training that day?" (Because I had been on maternity leave)
Him: "that's just an excuse."
Me: "what, that I don't know how? i don't see how it's an excuse, because I'm not wanting to remain in ignorance about it, I want to learn it. It's just a statement of fact. I don't know. I would like to know. Can you show me?"
So he got my laptop and showed me. He had an annoyed tone and the topic of what's an "excuse" or not went back and forth between us.
So then when I thought things were calmer between us, I said:
"How many people at the school bother to use this tool that you made?"
Him: "like nobody."
Me: "okay, so o understand how annoying it is that I didn't know, and it just reminded you of all the other people who don't oeaen or use the systems."
Then he said: "No, that's not it at all. It's you. You are a person who makes excuses."

THAT was the kick in the gut to me.
I can tell you he's being a jerk, and he is, and you know that, but that doesn't get you anywhere.

What I see in your responses is that you seem to feel this really strong urge to try in vain to convince him that he's wrong about what he said about you, almost like you are trying to get an approval from him you know you won't get. I got an image in my head of car wheels spinning in the snow -- maybe it's just the weather we're having.

Sadly, these kinds of insecure reactions can sometimes just feed a person who is already picking on us. I think it would help you to strengthen your self confidence and security about those things -- instead of trying so hard to argue to him that they are true, believe them more strongly yourself and don't try so hard to prove him wrong with words. He can say that you are a person who makes excuses, but he can't change reality by saying that. "I know that that's not true about me, and I don't appreciate you saying it." If he feels the need to keep laying into you, you firmly and confidently (but not yelling) tell him that you're not interested in continuing to talk to him if he's going to insult you. And the next step is to walk away from him.
 
#28 ·
I forgot why else it kicked me in the gut:

2. He made it personal and global. It was as if my disagreeing with him came across as a personal attack against him (I base this on experience with him), and so he "fought back" to attack me back. Verbal warfare. I pissed him off by challenging or disagreeing, so he attacked even harder.
 
#31 ·
As I ruminate on it in the big picture of our dynamic...

I honestly think "making an excuse" is just his latest term for explaining my own reality or experience of any situation IF he happens to not be in the mood to care about it or make room for it. When he is in that mood, he is right, and anything other than his declared "right" is just an excuse for not agreeing with him or accepting his truth.
 
#32 ·
Turnera based on your last comment that he should see me walk out the door, do you retract your other advice?--about seeing my part, setting and enforcing boundaries, etc?

I also try to model and reinforce the behaviors I would like to see more of--giving kind words, expressing appreciation, etc. obviously om not perfect but that's my objective and hope every day.
 
#34 ·
I'm scared of the loneliness I foresee if I divorce:
If I will be required to live in one state where I have nobody but him because we have a child, while my parents, sisters, and entire family, to whom I'm *extremely* close, all live in another.
Of course I realize that I need to weigh that possibility against the loneliness of staying with him.
 
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