General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
I am new here and I need advice. My fiancee and I met about 3 years ago and we have been engaged for about 2 years. We love each other, but this relationship is having tremendous emotional toll on us.
We fight all the time over issues I consider trivial. She takes offense very easily, reads meaning into things...I feel so emotionally drained every day just trying to resolve issues.
I think part of the problem is that my fiancee likes to have her way all the time. I am generally a laid back person and I rarely complain. I compromise all the time to please her, but I think she is now taking this too far.
We have always talked about having kids, I wanted 2 and she wanted a very big family like the one she grew up in. She also wanted to adopt kids. I suggested we have 2 kids and adopt 2.
She said she would think about it.
Recently, we got talking and she mentioned that she was not willing to compromise- she wants to have 2 kids and adopt up to 6! She said that had always being her dream and she will not be happy if she could not do that.
I am at crossroads here because although I love her, I just don't see myself raising 8 kids. I realize that parenting is serious business and I want to be able do other things with my life apart from raising kids. We both have professional careers.
This is a deal breaker for me, but I cant help wondering if I am making a mistake. I tried to make her see reason, but as usual she just wants her way.
own kids and addiional 6 adopted kids = 8 kids???
Myself would not agree with this. In this generation 3 kids are enough for me.
Does she work? does she knows is not all about having kids but also raising them, provide for them, tuition fees etc?
This number of kids will be waay to much load for you guys and it will definetely affect your sex life in a future.
It looks like you are a nice guy to provide everything no matter how hard is it
You mentioned that: I quote
"problem is that my fiancee likes to have her way all the time. I am generally a laid back person and I rarely complain." This is not good. she has all control over you. Read the mannup manual. Do what you realy want to do. Learn to take control of your relationship before you get married otherwise do not get married.
You are not making mistake if you feel is a deal breaker and your woman only wants to have her way,This is a red flag.
The purpose of dating is to see if you are compatible for marriage.
Two people with such extremely opposed views on children and family should not get married. She also seems very selfish which is a recipe for disaster in marriage. If you go through with your marriage, thinmk about the 8 kids you will harm when you decide to leave. Let her find a man who wants to have 2 natural children and adopt 6.
Or you could marry her and after she sees how difficult it is to raise 1 child, she may indeed change her mind in regards to wanting 7 more. In all seriousness, he demands aren't realistic. First of all, i have close friends who are going through the adoption process, the chances of them allowing you to adopt 6 kids are slim to none, unless you last name is Pitt. The whole process sees how many kids you can afford to raise, so unless you guys are extremely wealthy, chances are that is not going to happen.
I am new here and I need advice. My fiancee and I met about 3 years ago and we have been engaged for about 2 years. We love each other, but this relationship is having tremendous emotional toll on us.
We fight all the time over issues I consider trivial. She takes offense very easily, reads meaning into things...I feel so emotionally drained every day just trying to resolve issues.
I think part of the problem is that my fiancee likes to have her way all the time. I am generally a laid back person and I rarely complain. I compromise all the time to please her, but I think she is now taking this too far.
We have always talked about having kids, I wanted 2 and she wanted a very big family like the one she grew up in. She also wanted to adopt kids. I suggested we have 2 kids and adopt 2.
She said she would think about it.
Recently, we got talking and she mentioned that she was not willing to compromise- she wants to have 2 kids and adopt up to 6! She said that had always being her dream and she will not be happy if she could not do that.
I am at crossroads here because although I love her, I just don't see myself raising 8 kids. I realize that parenting is serious business and I want to be able do other things with my life apart from raising kids. We both have professional careers.
This is a deal breaker for me, but I cant help wondering if I am making a mistake. I tried to make her see reason, but as usual she just wants her way.
Please share your thoughts. Thank you
OMG...that would be a deal breaker for me for sure...I have 3 daughters ages 16, 11 and 10 and some days I feel like I am going nuts...no WAY could I deal with that many kids, what is she got some Jolie fantasy going?
@ snorring, Yes she works (univ. prof) I have made the same point you are making over and over... but she does not see reason.
It is just not realistic, and more importantly, Its not what I want to do with my life. Initially I thought this was all a smoke screen for some other issues, but this is what she genuinely wants to do.
And its scares me.
After the last time we spoke about this, she asked for time to make a decision. I love her, but maybe there is more to marriage than love.
I would think carefully, that is a lot of kids and it is a big issue. If she loves you then she should be willing to make a compromise, that is what marriage. She can't say I want 8 kids and you have to except it. It's wrong. What else is she not going to compromise with?
KW,
The biggest red flag here is the general comment that she is unable to compromise. That right there will kill the chance for happiness in a marriage. The bit about family size is simply a symptom of the "me me me - and only me" disease.
It takes a special "couple" to raise 8 kids. Emphasis on "couple" as it requires tremendous commitment by both parents to provide a positive environment for that many children.
It also means that you are independently wealthy or agreeable to making major lifestyle sacrifices to provide for the kids.
I actually think it is ok to marry accepting some level of uncertainty as to family size. I ALSO believe it is critical for both people to look each other in the eye and say: "I accept that we may have to compromise on this issue. And that neither of us can be certain how our feelings on this matter may change as our family grows. That said, I may be unwilling to have more than X children. If that is a show stopper for you, we should not marry".
I think your fiancee is trying to accomplish two things:
1. Get you to agree to a very big family and
2. Get you to accept that your desires/preferences/needs are always going to get ignored when they conflict with what she wants
Read these boards. They are full of people full of "love for "who" they married, and miserable because of how that person treats them".
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kite Weaver
Thanks for the advice guys.
@ snorring, Yes she works (univ. prof) I have made the same point you are making over and over... but she does not see reason.
It is just not realistic, and more importantly, Its not what I want to do with my life. Initially I thought this was all a smoke screen for some other issues, but this is what she genuinely wants to do.
And its scares me.
After the last time we spoke about this, she asked for time to make a decision. I love her, but maybe there is more to marriage than love.
If she's unwilling to compromise on that issue, what other issues would she not compromise on? Forever is an awfully long time to spend with someone who won't budge. Dreams are only fantasies. I don't know if I'd want to hook up with someone who expected me to bring each and every fantasy to life.
If it is a deal breaker, it is a deal breaker. Why question yourself about something so basic as the number of kids you want to raise? She can find someone who wants the same, or do it on her own (yes, she can--esp. if she goes through foster care and is willing to adopt children with special needs).
Never feel guilty about knowing your comfort level. You cannot commit to her knowing you have such an essential difference, and it would not be right of her to hold you to your promise in the light of such a difference. Better to part now. Especially since she seems unwilling to compromise on other issues--this isn't one to compromise on (if she knows this is what she wants), but certainly she should be capable of some compromise if she values your role in her life.
Once you get married to this woman, she will have *all* the power. Women know this. Rob's advice to "marry her and she'll change" is fatal. You think she's a pain now, wait until she merely has to pick up the phone and tell the police "I'm scared" to have you thrown into the street with nothing.
Cut your losses. Dump this loser and move on. If you must marry, hold out for one that is both sane and reasonable. Rational adults don't expect the world to change for them. This woman seems like she is an emotional infant and probably has serious mental problems.
I think part of the problem is that my fiancee likes to have her way all the time. I am generally a laid back person and I rarely complain. I compromise all the time to please her, but I think she is now taking this too far.
I have the exact solution for you.
Go tomorrow and get this book, read it, and implement it.
You're a Nice Guy, and women, no matter what they think, grow to HATE their Nice Guy.
It dates back to caveman days.
If you don't learn how to man up, you'll never keep ANY woman.
Once you get married to this woman, she will have *all* the power. Women know this. Rob's advice to "marry her and she'll change" is fatal. You think she's a pain now, wait until she merely has to pick up the phone and tell the police "I'm scared" to have you thrown into the street with nothing.
Cut your losses. Dump this loser and move on. If you must marry, hold out for one that is both sane and reasonable. Rational adults don't expect the world to change for them. This woman seems like she is an emotional infant and probably has serious mental problems.
Good luck brother.
I just had a conversation with my cubicle neighbor yesterday. He married a year ago, to a woman with 2 kids. A year ago, all he did (to his other friends in cubicle hearing distance; I didn't really know him) was talk about how wonderful she was, all she did for him, etc.
Fast forward to 4 months ago, I'm hearing "I'm so tired. I have to do all the housework. I want to go take the puppy out, but she doesn't want me to. The kids are acting like spoiled brats. Nobody ever does anything except me."
I'm thinking, he needs to man up!
Finally Friday, he starts talking about the housework. He does almost ALL of it! Her kids do nothing! And SHE is now saying things like "I'm just too tired when I get home..."
So I had enough, and I went and talked to him. Told him he needs to sit her down and tell her he won't accept this. He said maybe she's just tired. I said "no, what she has is 'I married a guy so I don't have to do anything any more-itis.'
That shook him up. What really shook him up was when I said 'if you don't change something now, you'll be divorced in 3 years.'
I told him to get a posterboard and write out all the things that had to be done to keep the family running. Told him to sit her down and say, 'we're going to take turns picking things we agree to be responsible for.' And MAKE her agree to be responsible.
Am I taking this too far? 
