General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
My situation requires some background information.
My wife Jeri (not her real name) and I have been together seven years, married for six in August. We ended up together as the result of having an affair. We reconnected after 20 years apart (high school friends), found that we were both unhappy in our marriages, and stumbled our way into an affair.
During our affair I was very troubled (as well you should have been I hear you say), and a couple of times I sent Jeri emails stating that I had a responsibility to try and make things work with my (ex) wife. But I couldn’t follow through on my words. I couldn’t stay away from Jeri. After seeing each other for about seven months Jeri told me she couldn’t keep up the deception anymore with her (ex) husband, and that she was going to spill-the-beans. I an effort to lighten the mood I made some comment like, “It doesn’t have to be this weekend does it?”
Later that day I got a call on my cell from her husband. I didn’t answer, but I knew the jig was up. I texted Jeri and told her, “This is it.” I immediately confessed the relationship to my (ex) wife and told her I was leaving her for another woman. While in the midst of this confession Jeri called and asked if I was okay. I was in tears and quite distraught because I was confessing this shameful thing, and on top of having committed adultery I’m walking out the door. I said something like, “How do you think I’m doing?”
Days later my (ex) wife offered to go to counseling with me, but I refused saying, “I’m sorry, but I just don’t love you.”
I was divorced two months later, in my guilt I took only my clothes, my car and items that were personally mine. I left her everything else, including a large amount of equity in our house. I didn’t even get my own lawyer, I just signed on the dotted line.
That first year together Jeri and I had some rough times, but I recall they were the best times because with all the scorn heaped upon us by family and friends it was us against the world. I felt, and still feel today, I have never loved anyone before Jeri, not truly. Family and friends are now accepting and supportive and no one brings up the past.
From time to time Jeri would drink too much (I was drinking too), or get stressed about something, and unload on me, stating that I, “didn’t choose her first.” She would describe to me how much pain my resistance to our affair had caused her (rejection of her). How much it hurt her when she called to check on me and I was so upset (inferring I still had feelings for my ex). How much it hurt her that I took nothing from my past marriage and we were basically starting from scratch living in a tiny little duplex (not considering our future). How it hurt her that I was resistant to confessing to our spouses. She told me these feelings were an ever-present pain, like a dull ache you can live with, but sometimes has an acute flare up.
At each ‘flare up’, I did my best to explain my motivation for behaving the way I did. I was honest, sincerely apologetic and always asked for her forgiveness.
We got married in Aug of 2005 and over time these ‘flare-ups’ got further and further apart, and I thought she was beginning to understand why I had acted the way I did. We get along wonderfully (again my perception maybe), I would have to say that we are ultimately compatible. We very seldom argue or bicker. I love cuddling with her watching TV, we are compulsive hand-holders, and when I’m not at work I just love to hang out with her. She is my best friend.
In July of last year a very traumatic thing happened, the death of a very close family member occurred suddenly. Due to circumstances at the time I was not able to physically be with Jeri. I was not there to comfort and support her at that time, and she tells me she felt very alone and lost. It was then that she began to slowly pull away from me.
Since then she has broken down quite often. She thinks she is being punished for what we did. She thinks that God is punishing her. And because I was not there, we have no connection on this subject. She says her life sucks, and that she just wants out (whatever that means).
She recently ‘friended’ a guy on FB that was a couple years ahead of us in high school. I didn’t know him, but did meet him at a reunion the beginning of April (he later 'friended' me). Jeri and Warren had had some classes together. I wasn’t concerned because we share the same email account and know the logins for each other’s FB. I’m not a jealous or controlling person anyway. She has other male FB ‘friends’. No problem.
One night I found her in the bathroom on her iPhone messaging Warren. She says it’s innocent she’s just telling him about the death I mentioned above. I told her I believe her, but it seems she’s sharing something intimate, and I’m not cool with that.
She had mentioned something about meeting Warren for drinks after work sometime to ‘catch-up’. Well I don’t think it’s appropriate for a married woman to meet with another man alone (from our own experience). I told her how I felt. She basically dismissed me. I said, “Can’t I come along?” She replied, “You would just be bored.”
Last Tuesday, she emails me at work and tells me she going to try and meet up with one of her friends, her sister, or ‘somebody’ after work. At the end of the workday she calls and tells me no one can get away, “see you at home.” This was not normal for her and I thought it quite mysterious.
She had an off-site, all day meeting at a local eatery on Thursday (she’s assistant to the VP of a trucking company), and suggested on Wednesday that I should get together with a friend of mine after work on Thursday because she was going to be hanging around for awhile after the meetings. Again, very mysterious.
Thursday comes and she’s wearing a skirt (normally she wears nice jeans) and has tended to her makeup with a touch more care than the usual hectic morning allows. She looks great, and I tell her so.
During the day we texted each other frequently. She seems in really good spirits. I wrote in one text, “You never said what you were doing after the meeting.” She ignored the question. About two hours later I asked her, “What are you doing after the meeting?” Again she ignored it. Finally I ask again and she tells me she going to ‘visit’ with Warren and have a few drinks.
So now I suspect she was trying to get together with Warren on Tuesday, and eventually it came together on Thursday. She was home before 6:30.
All afternoon I’m freaked out. Trying to tell myself it’s no big deal. But I’m just spiraling out of control. She can see by the way I’m trying to hide my discomfort that something’s wrong. It was then I broke down and told her what I’d pieced together, and I’d hit it on the head. She tells me I have nothing to worry about. I’m more freaked out that she tried to conceal it from me. She tells me she loves me and that this guy knows she’s married and is walking away.
Friday night we had some people over (drinking again) and they don’t want to leave without saying goodbye to Jeri. I found her in the bathroom on the phone with Warren. I sort of lost my cool and ask very sternly, “Who is that Jeri?” I knew who it was.
Jeri came out and said goodbye to our friends. After they left we had it out. Jeri is distraught and tells me she just trying to connect with someone. She can’t connect with me because I wasn’t there when she needed me. I’m telling her that I don’t want her connecting with this man, or any man for that matter. She’s wailing that she should never have taken me away from where I was. That she’s so unhappy. She gives me the old, “It’s not you it’s me.” She says she wants out. I’m balling because my heart is shredding at the time.
The next day she told me that the guy had professed feelings for her, but that he was breaking contact with her because she’s married. I asked her what her feelings were. She said she had feelings for him, but that she loves me. She said she enjoyed the attention, but now feels embarrassed and ashamed for concealing things from me.
Warren ‘de-friended’ us both on Sunday.
She says the intensity of her feelings for me have lessened quite a bit since July. She loves me, but she’s not in love with me. But she says she’s committed to our marriage and that she will seek counseling. I told her I was willing to do whatever it takes. Last night we got into it again and she told me she will call a counselor when she feels like it, that she can’t be pushed.
So that’s up to date. Sixth night in a row without much sleep. I feel devastated and brokenhearted. Perhaps it’s as they say, “The chickens have come home to roost.”
My lady is broken. And I think if she gets help she’ll realize how much I have to give. If she can tear down those walls of pain and let me in I will give her the world. I just want so much for her to be happy. I want her to love herself. She really is a special person who always sells herself short.
How much time do I give her? Should I suggest couples counseling first? I try to stay hopeful because she doesn't want to separate or even sleep in separate rooms. But I also feel as though I nned to prepare myself for the worst case scenario. This is the most important thing in the world to me.
It's good she ended contact w/ OM. It was definitely at minimum an EA unless it became physical the times she met him.
It sounds like she was going through a really rough time due to the death and felt isolated/lonely. Still, that was no excuse for her to turn to someone else. It also sounds like she has a lot of toxic guilt from knowing you both were responsible for breaking up two marriages (yours and hers), like she has never gotten over it and feels deeply ashamed, hence why she says she feels she is being punished, that she should have never taken you away from your wife/family, that you're paying for it now...
It's good that you guys are both committed to counselling and working things out. I wish you the best.
Don't want to throw salt on your wounds but do you even get the irony of your situation? Also you must know that if she betrayed one man that she will have no problems betraying another.
The stats are that about 30% of 2nd marriages succeed. The numbers for people who are cheaters must be abysmal. You took a gamble and lost.
The chances are that she will not be able to break off contact with this man. She is following the same scenario you followed when you cheated. Remember how she could not break things off with you when she feel in love? Do you really think that she did not have sex with Warren, who she loves, when she disappeared that afternoon and did not contact you.
When you two feel in love, wouldn't you two steel away turn off your phones and have sex. She is a master at deception remember.
You should write your wife a heart felt letter of apology for the pain you caused her. Telling her that you are dealing with cheating now and you fully understand how she felt and you are deeply sorry. Let her know that no one, especially a woman that you once loved, spent years with and had your family, deserves what you did to her.
Tell her you wish you had divorced her with honor when you fell in love with the OW and you wished you were more cautious in your choice of a mate.
Don't want to throw salt on your wounds but do you even get the irony of your situation? Also you must know that if she betrayed one man that she will have no problems betraying another.
The stats are that about 30% of 2nd marriages succeed. The numbers for people who are cheaters must be abysmal. You took a gamble and lost.
The chances are that she will not be able to break off contact with this man. She is following the same scenario you followed when you cheated. Remember how she could not break things off with you when she feel in love? Do you really think that she did not have sex with Warren, who she loves, when she disappeared that afternoon and did not contact you.
When you two feel in love, wouldn't you two steel away turn off your phones and have sex. She is a master at deception remember.
You should write your wife a heart felt letter of apology for the pain you caused her. Telling her that you are dealing with cheating now and you fully understand how she felt and you are deeply sorry. Let her know that no one, especially a woman that you once loved, spent years with and had your family, deserves what you did to her.
Tell her you wish you had divorced her with honor when you fell in love with the OW and you wished you were more cautious in your choice of a mate.
Actually I know without a doubt that they were together for no more than 45 minutes that day. And they hadn't met before. I do not believe there was anything physically inappropriate happening. If she's not at work, she's with me. There are no unaccounted periods of time.
And actually, Jeri is quite crappy at deceipt. She's a terrible liar. The only reason she got away with it during our affair was because her husband didn't pay any attention to her or what she was doing. As soon as he confronted her she folded.
And don't worry about my ex, she told me a year ago that she is happy with the way things turned out. Nice new hubby, new baby, big house, etc.
T how can you say she is not deceptive? She was secretly communicating with Warren and falling for him and lying to you.
It is OK to imbue the one you love with good qualities when they are being loving but she is deceiving you and you are talking about her like she is mother teresa. Use your imagination, they meet, maybe sit in the car for 45 min. "talking". Wake up.
Be prepared, this is not over. An emotional connection is hard to break. Sometimes the cheating spouse goes back and forth, as you can see from the many post on this forum. You must stay vigilant.
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Actually I know without a doubt that they were together for no more than 45 minutes that day. And they hadn't met before. I do not believe there was anything physically inappropriate happening. If she's not at work, she's with me. There are no unaccounted periods of time.
And actually, Jeri is quite crappy at deceipt. She's a terrible liar. The only reason she got away with it during our affair was because her husband didn't pay any attention to her or what she was doing. As soon as he confronted her she folded.
And don't worry about my ex, she told me a year ago that she is happy with the way things turned out. Nice new hubby, new baby, big house, etc.
Quite a bit can happen in 45 minutes - more than once.
It seems like she has no true regard for anyone's feelings or needs (emotional or physical) except her own.
She has unmet needs.
If you can figure out what they are and how to meet them, you're one step ahead.
But I wouldn't wait around for her to change on her own.
She hasn't experienced much suffering from her own decisions, except the financial expectations dashed by your consideration for your ex. (Ignore the man-up routine, you are a fine human being, don't change in order to play a game you won't really win by doing this man-up thing. There is always another 'Warren' she can find.)
How sad this situation is.
For whatever reason, I feel a bit of grief, or more, for your first marriage. Has your first wife moved on? She seemed a bit more considerate.
So sorry you didn't send her packing before she could do so much damage to your life.
It worries me that she could not flinch at all at the destruction of 2 marriages, but is using death as a reason to seek solace outside of marriage, inappropriately. That's just so nobody can tell her it's wrong!
So you are telling him to not mannup and be more nice so that his wife will confess to him as she did on his previous marriage?
It's not an either-or type of choice.
He can choose to be who he is, which might not include this man-up prescribed routine.
I agree he should set the limits for his marriage. But this is a married person respecting their marriage thing. It isn't about being alpha, it is about doing what you need to do to take care of yourself and to respect your own marriage, even when the other person is not.
And from his description of her behavior, you're advising him to ignore the one thing most likely to help him.
I'm certain he's reached out to her.
I'm certain he's lost sleep over her.
I'm certain he's worried sick about "Warren" and has told her so countless times.
In other words, he appears weak and needy.
Time to change course.
It would certainly be wrong to ignore such advice.
I appreciate Conrad's point of view. And I did begin reading the links he provided.
I'm not as scared as I was yesterday. I'm a good-looking, funny guy and I know I wouldn't have to spend my life alone. I think I need to armour myself for what's to come.
My primary concern now is getting her into counselling. She's terribly shy and reserved and talking to a counselor scares the hell out of her. I'm thinking of having an intervention with her family and friends there. She'll be so pissed off at me, but if she doesn't act soon I'm going to intervene or give her an ultimatum.
I think she is almost to the point where she thinks she doesn't deserve to have any happiness, and that includes me, so maybe I should man-up a bit and show more indifference. IDK. Much to ponder.
I certainly don't want to be anybodies doormat, but then again I suffer from my own demons and self esteem issues so I have a tendancy to take responsibility for other people's behavior.
Have you considered that the problem is, she was broken long before you got together?
She does not seem very emotionally competent. She blames you for not being there when she needed you--but you did what you could. She is unwilling to allow you to have your own emotional needs to take care of; hers must come first.
The fact that you love someone like this is information for you to use in moving forward with your life, as you continue to grow and change. Remember that if you mourn and *wish* she could be more emotionally mature, you are wishing she was a different person--different from what you claim to love. So either love her for who she is and be ready to deal with that, or realize you don't really love HER but who you wish she was, and move on.
But writing to your ex and apologizing is still a good idea.
My Broken Lady 
Re: My Broken Lady 
