Kept long distance & really going nuts...

GutterByrd · 04-28-2011, 06:57 AM

My husband & I married in fall of '08. I met him in line for a roller coaster several years before that it was love at first sight for me. That day we where both head over-heals tho he lost my number. At any rate I found him on myspace months later after searching for him relentlessly. Years of unyielding adoration & careful consideration of certain circumstances we eventually decided to move in together. The certain circumstances I allude to consist of sexual deviance on both our behalves as we where not but young & university aged & several thousand miles apart thanks to school(Nothing that matters much now.) Once living together after only actually meeting 3 times before things went from crazy to just nuts. (I have a disaster of a life story & I can be hard to love sometimes but for the most part am a rational & fair person.) He at the time was down on life feeling like he had reached a dead end & dealt with that through drinking. He can & could tend to get arrogant & condescending especially while drinking. However through my complex issues & his emotional roller-coaster after a year we found a new start in his parents house. Eventually he decided to get rid of excess weight he put on from all his drinking & join the Coast Guard. I am very proud of how determined he was & how hard he works to this day. The problem is that while he was changing his outlook for our betterment I was changing too. I was becoming the person I have always been afraid to be only having finally ceased to be a self deprecating emotional leech who latched on to any love I could find.
I am alone at home now. He goes away for months at a time b/c of work & tries to relax while he is home. I feel neglected although I know he tries. I have always had problems being depressed & my Dr. put me on Zoloft after I confessed to feelings of deep depression & the occasional suicidal thought last month. No amount of my husbands love seems to be enough to pull me out of it but it is a welcome distraction. Anyway I am to start seeing a therapist tomorrow.
I miss my hubbs & feel like my life is a shell filled with despair but know he can do little to help this. Besides that I feel like when he is home he is detached. He drinks plays video games & generally does things that have nothing to do with me. We are very young still (I'm 24) & sex when he is home happens maybe once a week or two usually the lesser. He says he is just tired. We have been able to talk on the phone recently & I am nervous what I'll say will make him dislike me. I feel like he already wants to leave tho I have no real reason to think it. I tried to flirt but he basically just said 'oh come one we've been a couple for almost 5 years now' as though it was silly that I might try & coax a response. His idea of foreplay is "suck my pee pee?" very sweetly asked but not so romantic or alluring. I don't mind it so much but I know it's the dynamic I have created between us. It is not what I want. I feel like I can't possibly make him happy if I am so messed up. & I don't want to force anything I just want to be in love again with this husband I barely know or see... & also to do better than simply functioning within daily life would be good too.

Blanca · 04-28-2011, 01:56 PM

Do you work? go to school? Or are you sitting around all day?

GutterByrd · 04-28-2011, 09:42 PM

Yes, I am a supervisor at a retail establishment. I do tend to sit around a lot but really only because I lack energy all together. I have tried various hobbies & have settled on reading & blogging b/c quilting is not my fortay thus far. I should focus on cleaning house more & in all honesty I do squander my time. Tho I feel overwhelmed all the time.

GutterByrd · 04-28-2011, 10:43 PM

Today my hubbs & I chatted on the phone while I was at work. He really is a very good person & am really very in love with him. We where disscussing my depression & I let him kno that if I where able to see him obviously things might be less tense than they are but for what ever reason I am nervous he will just say he is over us. He was very understanding & reassured me to the contrary. He then went on to tell me that for him when he was having his problems it just took finding motivation & reminding himself that he was worth it. I know that is good & right but I don't know how. I have been this way forever. & I feel sad that there was nothing I could do to help him love himself even when I was loving him so much & that at the time I was just as caught up in his erratic behaivior too. Perhaps that is how he feels now; helpless. I did at the time feel angry & hurt but not sure why & I was very close to leaving him before the move. I stuck it out because as we didn't really date I thought we deserved that much. & I am happier for it since obviously we got married.
I am leaning towards abandonment insecurities as my issue. See my father left the country when I was 7ish. He was fleeing trial for child molestation of my brother. I was devistated b/c I was a daddys girl. Then my mom left us with my grandmother to feed her new addiction to crack. She is still an addict; we talk & text but I keep her at arms length b/c I know she will die sooner than later & I don't want to encourage her drug use by becoming more of a friend than I should be. & between time there was the ever changing 'new daddy'. There has never been anything solid in my life other than my grandmother but of course she is dead now. Tho she was sometimes difficult she was a saint.
But... I went & married a man who would never live in one place more than 4 years & who will likely be gone most of the time. I am convienced he is the best thing since sliced bread even when he is arrogant & a **** sometimes. & that is far far less than ever before he really has matured alot. Which maybe why I am scared that he is not as happy as I would like b/c none of this is fun for him either. When we do argue & he gets that way I think maybe b/c he feels like I'm only waiting to speak or that I don't value what he is saying b/c I will occasionally argue his logic. Not to be evil but really b/c I want to get his side of it. That can turn condesending tho too b/c he feels as tho he is talking to a child thusly treats me like one which is irrational to me as I do my best to treat him respectfully. Anyway, I feel like a revelation happened today while I was ignoring my job to have a real conversation with my husband which is rare & of great value to me. I realized we are much more similar than I thought before & that he really is as sweet & complex as I think. Tho he says he is simple I don't buy that so much. I'll never know him all the way but I never want to stop trying. If I'm lucky he will get to take liberty soon & we can pretend that time & space has nothing to do with love. As supportive as he was today I still really feel lost in the world. *sigh... off to bed then; wish he was there to steal the covers.

GutterByrd · 04-29-2011, 10:20 PM

Right so he made plans to come here for 12 hours on Tuesday.
Typically this would be good news but I'm feeling kinda dry. I know I'm a needy person & he was great the other day & really seemed to connect via the phone. I feel like it was a flash in the pan tho. We talked for just a bit about his travel plans today then he abruptly let me go to drink with a shipmate. I understand he wants to have fun but they see him everyday for hours & I don't. I get the feeling like I'm a long distance roomate. Then my imagination gets the best of me & I wonder if he is seeing someone. Or if maybe my seemingly irrational fears of us falling apart are more legit than he made me feel. Or maybe he thinks he did his best & now he can do his own thing. I guess thats fine if its what he wants to do... But I need that connection even more b/c he is gone all the time. If I press him tho he'll just feel smothered & exasperated. & really even tho I want to talk to him our conversations fall flat b/c we have nothing at all to talk about. Is this just me??? arrrggg! What do married people talk about that is not about household issues?

Blanca · 04-30-2011, 12:53 AM

You've really been through a lot. Have you considered going to counseling?

I also suffer from depression and I often try to cling to my H to alleviate my suffering. That approach has never really worked for me. It lead to both of us getting resentful and I felt even lonelier. Working on my boundaries helped and I went to individual counseling, which helped a lot. Its nice to know someone will be there every week to really listen and help you.

GutterByrd · 04-30-2011, 02:17 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blanca

You've really been through a lot. Have you considered going to counseling?

I also suffer from depression and I often try to cling to my H to alleviate my suffering. That approach has never really worked for me. It lead to both of us getting resentful and I felt even lonelier. Working on my boundaries helped and I went to individual counseling, which helped a lot. Its nice to know someone will be there every week to really listen and help you.

I actually just went today for the very first time. I am hopeful & I really just want to be a better wife. We both deserve a better me. & besides being happier I want him to see that I care about him so I'm not just another responsibility for him... I def need to work on my boundaries too. I just feel all mixed up.
What boundaries did you lay for yourself?

Blanca · 04-30-2011, 04:22 PM

For boundaries I use this website a lot: Setting Personal Boundaries - protecting self

Another really good resource is Feeling Good by Dr. David Burns. Counseling is wonderful for support, a place to vent, and a little feedback, but without outside resources it tends to be more enabling then productive. I found Dr. Burns book extremely helpful. He seems to not only really understand how I think but he also has some great ways to get past it.

Try focusing on healing from your past instead of wanting to be a good wife or caring about him. i know that sounds all wrong. In your particular situation, focusing on caring about him and being a good wife might actually be hurtful to you and prevent you from healing. If you focus on caring about you then that will naturally spill over into caring about him. But if you focus on caring about him you might actually violate your own boundaries, which makes your life miserable. Its not that you are actively not caring about him, but you are focusing on caring about you, what makes you happy, and what you need. Sometimes those things can make other people unhappy, but that is OK.