General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
I've been married for nearly 11 years now. I have been on this board before complaining about how my husband is controlling and sometimes MEAN.
I found myself tonight dreaming about cheating on him. I'm a good Catholic woman who has great ethics .. But that's how far I am off the ledge. He is 38 years old. He is a decent father (when convenient for him) and he is married to his job. He makes 4 times less than I do... But he just loves what he does. His job will probably be obsolete in 5 years and I offered to help him so he could find a new passion. He hasn't. He just doesn't want change.
I'm currently working hours of 3 am to noon so I can be home with the kids. It's killing me. I was recently offered a shift change of 8 to 4:30 but I'd have to take a bit of a pay cut. I want to do it.. Because I'm dying on this schedule. My husband seems to be against it. He says we need every penny we can get. We make over 290k a year. He just drives me so hard.
He always requests that we have a weekly date night on Friday nights. That means I get up at 2:45 am ...work... Take care of the kids when they come home .. And then go to dinner with him at 7 and he expects me to stay energized and in "date mode" until 10:30 or 11 o'clock. After a week of this schedule and work... Fridays are so hard. I get so annoyed sitting there with him.
He talks down to me. Tries to tell me how to dress and speak. Unfortunately I give in. For some reason I feel like he knows best. The only sex we have is HIS masturbation. If I ask him to really have sex.. It's over on 40 seconds.
I stay because of the kids and because I'm Catholic.. Also I feel I'll be alone forever without him. But I'm really starting to despise him. I want to drink when I'm around him. Family time is usually good... But today is a good example oft day.
I got up today (like everyday) at 2:45 am. I went to work. Got off at 1. Ran. Picked up the kids. Played with them. Went to grocery store. Made them dinner. (hubby not home til 7:15) and he started watching the NFL draft while I cleaned dishes and started baths. He's finishing their stories and it's 9:10. I will try to sleep for 5 hours and do it a again.
Am I selfish for wanting a normal schedule? Am I selfish for wanting more from my husband? I'm so tired and I'm just 35. I'm tired of my husband too.
How would you feel/react in my shoes? Posted via Mobile Device
First of all, that was a bad example: It WAS the NFL draft, after all. But I get your drift.
Scare the **** out of him. Say something, do something that gets his attention. Leave him with your child for a week with no contact. Tell him why you're leaving, and when he seriously wants to change, go back. As soon as he reverts back, leave again. For good.
My wife finally did it (not leave, but said things I wish she said years ago when we still had a chance to fix it) but it was too late. She's gone, like you. Still in the house, but gone...
I've railed against women who emotionally leave their marriage. I guess men do it too. You're too young to live the rest of your life in a loveless marriage. Take it from someone who is too old to do anyhing abot it now. It won't get better by itself and he doesn't want to help. Do something drastic.
God, the old me sounds like your husband, I'm so ashamed. Do what MrK said, but you have to be willing to lose it all, not just forgive like we catholics do. I'm not sure your husband will buy it though, you sound like you're way too nice to him.
Maybe if you tell him you want to take the 8-4:30 and get your own place he'll snap out of it.
What is so sad is that I'm not the person I once was. I resent my husband and I just don't see him as the smart person I once did. I thought he was the most brilliant guy and just "misunderstood". Now I see that he's just clueless in some cases.. And I've been acting like his mommy for years instead of his wife. I jump in and save the day when he consistently screws things up.
As I have mentioned he's terribly clumsy (or something). He constantly (daily) hurting himself or stubbing his toe. Our 5 year old accidentally stepped on his foot last night and he fell to the ground like he was struck by a bullet. He does this ALL the time. I've told him how ridiculous it is before...now I just try to ignore it. But I just feel so resentful.
He's a good looking guy.. He is so anal he spends more time in front of the mirror than I do. Somedays he comes home from work at 715 and I'll have dinner waiting and I've been up since 245am and he will go straight into the bathroom to change. After 10 min or so I'll go see what's taking so long... And he will be tweezing. Seriously!
I'm a VERY self beauty conscious woman. But there are days I don't even have time to iron or shave my legs! He will NOT leave the house unless he is wearing perfectly ironed clothing. He irons his jeans.
All I ask for is a nap, or a break, you know?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Wrench
God, the old me sounds like your husband, I'm so ashamed. Do what MrK said, but you have to be willing to lose it all, not just forgive like we catholics do. I'm not sure your husband will buy it though, you sound like you're way too nice to him.
Maybe if you tell him you want to take the 8-4:30 and get your own place he'll snap out of it.
It does sound like he's comfortable letting you be his mommy, don't beat yourself up for letting it get this bad. I saw my wife through rose-coloured glasses for years too.
I think if you're really tired of it, resent him and want out, then thats probably what needs to happen. He sounds controlling, NOT good. Its not a life. No amount of money you make or he makes, what kind of job you have or the hours, will ever trump that of living a good happy life, one that you want and deserve.
The first thing I would do is accept the position you WANT! You can find ways to cut corners and make the money situation happen (not knowing the area you live in, but I could live the rest of my life on 290K! Haha!) But that is STUPID of him to tell you what to do with YOUR career. He can love his all he wants, but you deserve to be happy in yours.
A lot of your problem IS that you are TIRED!!! And I can't blame you!!! He does sound like a child for sure, and I can't help you on the resentment part.....but it MIGHT get better if you weren't so tired all the time.
I personally would NOT leave my kids, even for a second.....husband? Maybe to prove a point....kids? NO.
Well I am so worried about disrupting my kids' lives but I'm seriously considering kicking my husband out for a trial separation. I look at this new schedule as a way to survive it better, as well. Before I was trapped because how would I separate from him when I have kids and have to be to work by 3am.
My kids are everything to me. They aren't going anywhere away from me! Posted via Mobile Device
Well I am so worried about disrupting my kids' lives but I'm seriously considering kicking my husband out for a trial separation. I look at this new schedule as a way to survive it better, as well. Before I was trapped because how would I separate from him when I have kids and have to be to work by 3am.
My kids are everything to me. They aren't going anywhere away from me! Posted via Mobile Device
This is, JMO, but I think sometimes kids suffer far more when two parents stay together, than if they are no longer together.
If its not working, not healthy etc, kids are gonna know and pick up on the fact that mom and dad aren't happy. They then wonder themselves is this the way a marriage works? They are learning the environment they live in.
I have seen in my experience, and yes just speaking from my own, way more kids have issues later on from parents who stayed together than the ones who got divorced. Yes, most all kids will be hurt either way. No one wants their parents to divorce, BUT you would be surprised at later on in life when kids are grown, how many actually would have rather them gotten divorced and seen both parents happy and getting on with their lives than to stay and be miserable.
I guess the question now is for you and your kids....
would you rather them come from a broken home, or would you rather them remain in one?
I'm sure you would rather everyone be happy and stay together, but in reality thats not always the case.
I'm so uncertain on things. I'm a wreck. I THINK the daily behavior that I deal with is crazy... But I'm so close to it I don't even know anymore. Take yesterday for example. I had my awful shift... I texted him and said I was canceling the sitter because I was exhausted and he wasn't even going to be home from work until 7. When you get up at 2:30 ... A 8 o'clock dinner is tough! Anyway he said no! You will make it! I'll try to hurry home. So I gave in. We went to dinner. He spent basically the entire time talking about work. I tried to change the subject but it kept coming back to work.... Which led to a long discussion (on his end) about politics and how the world is growing worse by the day.
So I insisted we go home instead of walk through candle stores. I was tired. He helped put the kids to bed. I sat down on the couch and fell asleep instantly. He was Mad. Apparently he was trying to get me to come to bed around midnight. I was dead asleep. He started clapping his hands and screaming my name. Scared the crap out of me! When I woke up he suggested I cone to bed wearing nothing. After all that! No!!!!
So he woke up this morning and has been textinb a coworker about how terrible management is. He is eating breakfast glued to the phone and telling me how angry he is at work for treating a coworker so badly. It's been 2 hours of work anger.
Is that stuff normal? Am I just too sensitive? Posted via Mobile Device
That would be like me going out for supper at mignight on a work day, he isn't thinking about you at all. You're not being too sensitive, the texting at breakfast is more of the same. His world revolves around him, wake-up time
Well I have questioned whether "I" am depressed or something. It seems I'm never happy (however I do laugh at work with friends). I just found myself last night just so uncomfortable and annoyed by the constant chatter about negative things. Is that how it is with all couples? Do you laugh about things when it's just the two of you? I don't find myself laughing with him because his subject matter is typically anger over politics or work. Posted via Mobile Device
I get like that sometimes, he has to learn that isn't good conversation. I have people I rant like that with but my wife doesn't put up with it.
Unfortunutly I never really clued in until she told me she wanted to seperate, that's why I suggest you get serious with him. It's probably the only way to get through to him.
Well he really got mad at me today for just showing a little bit of concern.
I promised our son we would take him to play today at his favorite spot. My husband wanted to go to the gym first.....then lunch ... Then sit on his phone forever. I started getting ready and he started to back out. Started to say it looked too cloudy... Then...claimed it was going to rain... Then it was too late etc etc. I said ok.. I'll just take him myself. He said no! It's family day!
I said then you tell our son no. He said well I don't want to be the bad guy. Then my son started freaking out. I finally intervened and said... Sweetie we are going to wait til next weekend. I know I promised you but we are worried it's going to rain. Then I gave him 2 choices for activities. I handled it because my hubby obviously couldn't.
Then he was at dinner at he kept yelling at our little one. He would tell him (in front of the waiter) that he was dissappointed in him because he wasn't looking the waiter in the eye. I shot him a look but he kept it up... Actually grabbing his head and pointing his head at the waiter. It was terribly uncomfortable.
I finally (by ourselves) told him that his indecisiveness was driving me nuts today and it was really hurting me in front of the kids. He said you are ridiculous! He got ticked and started to walk away. He wouldn't talk to me for awhile... Then he started to act normal again. 5 min or so went by and I said "boy you really have lost weight ... We should get you some new jeans soon". He shot back in front of the kids... What? I guess you are calling me dumpy looking!". I said no! I was complimenting you! He said just admit it... You think my pants look dumpy! I just shook my head and changed the subject.
Now things would be just fine if I could manage to keep my mouth shut like normal... But this stuff is really getting to me! He is just so sarcastic and his tone is ugly. Posted via Mobile Device
He sounds like a first class jerk. You sound like a great mom who loves her kids, and is more than capable to provide for them. I am COMPLETELY in your shoes right now too.......with the exception that I don't have a job. But as hard as it is, I'm leaving mine too. I just wish I had done it when the kids were younger.....
Is it worth it? 
But as hard as it is, I'm leaving mine too. I just wish I had done it when the kids were younger.....
