madimoff

I've wised up to at least a large measure of my part in our problems, but my OH will NOT talk about stuff unless I start a conversation, and I know he gets stressed by emotional stuff so I have a tendency to put it off.... which given that we have limited time together (have 'our' family home where I am with our 8yo & 'his' sanctuary in our home country) makes it pressure towards the end of any time he's with us.
Plus - the reason for posting now - micro-managing him & son & interrupting 'their' time was one of my biggie errors, yet I find it awkward that on a dreadfully wet day when we were stuck at home & I suggested going out to avoid going stir crazy, he decided to stay at home with son & I've gone out - I have to admit jealousy or insecurity about him wanting to be with son more than me
I've done so much 'homework' about my errors & how to work on us, including love busters, marriage fitness, you name it, but getting him to talk more than about once or twice in any given visit (usually 9 days or so, this time only 5) is like pulling teeth. OK he wants simply to not have conflict and that's enough, I want to move forward dealing with issues as we go.
Anyone?

credamdóchasgra

This is where I am too.
I'm waiting to see if he realizes there's something he can do about whatever is eating at him.
If I try to talk, he goes on the attack, tells me I have issues, denies his feelings.
If you find an answer, let me know.
I wish you the best and hope it works out for you.
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madimoff

Serendipity, Creda... slow connection was in the way, but I was just wanting to finish reading your thread & tempted to post how envious I am of your ability to analyse not only the problems in your relationship but seemingly so accurately also account in writing for your feelings and his.... and lo and behold you answer my thread!! Doesn't help either of us, I know, but

Conrad

Mad,

Do you really want to listen to him?

If you do, when you see he doesn't want to talk, the empathic response is, "I see you don't want to talk right now. Perhaps later"

Drop a few of those around and the temperature should rise.

Remember to read his body language - largely ignore the words.

Blanca

Maybe he doesn't want to talk about it because he has nothing to say? He probably never thinks about it. I think you guys are kind of at a stand still where you know where each other stands you just don't want to accept it.

__________________


"I'm a lover of what is, not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality."
- Bryon Katie

magnoliagal

Maybe he doesn't want to talk because of things like the micomanaging. My H clammed up because I was always highly critical of him. It's taking some serious humbling on my part to get him to open up.

madimoff

I was very sad when I read that comment. Maybe it resonated with me. I can certainly see why you would say it. But I've picked myself up (before today, I hasten to add...internet is a problem where we are!!) and can say WHY I remain hopeful that we have a future. I actually kind of understand his not wanting to talk; he fears reactions from both of us, fears friction more than anything (childhood, in fact childhood for both of us). Despite understanding your comment and his view, I also know how many times he's said yes he does want us to work .... ok I've also heard the reverse, about him being scared of losing his son, of not wanting to put our son through our disagreements any more, all of that and more. But at the end of the day I think he's holding on to the belief that we can work it out. It's just that I've taken forever to see that he's been right about so much about my behaviour. Now that I'm accepting stuff I'm not getting a great deal of help with convincing him of my good intentions - yes maybe I don't deserve that help, but as I've said before it would provide the carrot to keep positivity going in my head.
All that being said, I know it's down to me to deal with what I can - however if he won't even really talk 'us' stuff at all, or at least rarely, without me having to bring it up......
Then again MarriageFitness suggests not even talking about your problems, which would be pretty much ok in my head were it not for us not being together all the time so the 14-weeks-or-more required to make a difference takes on monumental proportions.
Bit rambling, I know... but despite some stress this morning re 8yo's homework and my mum talking forever on the phone, he admitted nothing had happened BETWEEN US to cause him not to be positive (which he'd just said he was struggling to feel)
- it's almost always outside factors.
Ho hum.

madimoff

I've realised, having just posted, that I don't give very good examples.
This morning son burst through our bedroom door saying 'it's 9.30 we'll have to leave now to get to football'. OH says how son was unwell in the night (upset tummy, diarrhoea, sickness) and it had poured with rain so the pitch would probably be flooded, son objected, OH reiterated, son objected, OH got stressed at the conversation having mentioned how we'd had a disturbed night (actually only I got up, and it was probably no more than 40 min disturbance...!) anyway I'd set my alarm the night before for plenty of time to be ready to go, turned it off when it went, and thought nothing of going back to sleep... didn't know whether to apologise for not querying whether we were going in the end or not to..... We'd actually had a pleasant chat & cuddle before going to sleep which is progress for us.
When son burst in then gone out again, OH mentioned he'd been in the middle of an amazing dream. A bit later I moved to hold his hand, he put his arm round me, we stayed kind of snuggled but eventually he said one of us had better get up cos son wasn't dressed, had to do his homework, and he himself wasn't going to be able to finish his dream... so I figured right I was enjoying the cuddle but I'll get up .... and then it went to increasing stress levels so hard to explain but little things like saying NO YOU STAY IN BED (not quite as bad as in capitals, but it sounded as if it was said with a slant) -
Must have been an hour later, after my 94 yo mum rang about her health and son had eventually done half his homework, that OH said about how nothing between US had caused him not to be positive.
SO hard to explain
However we do have progress - it's a little thing, but I now know that all I need to do is wear a bit of makeup despite whatever else I'm wearing and he'll think I've made the effort. Maybe something I should have known long ago, but at least I do now!

anx

Get Gottman's "why marriages succeed for fail" and take all of the quizes. It maybe took 20-30 min. I've really like gottman's books, and this one really helped my wife gain clearity for how she feels and why.

The quizes are a great measure for where someone is at in the relationship.

My MC story is in my profile. You need to fix or address this now.