Markie

hello all,

i am in need of advice, and do not feel like i can discuss this with close friends or family members for various reasons,

i am a guy and i have been with my g/f (now fiance) for 4 years total and engaged for 1 and a half of those years,

i moved in with her just about a year ago, she owns her house (with mortgage), she makes very good money, and i have a small home business that i run which my income fluctuates very frequently and is not a very reliable income,

i will not sugar coat things, to be honest she pays most of our bills and i pay minor things such as food and gas etc etc, she has never complained about this and seems fine with it,

we never really discussed our money situations before i moved in or before we got engaged which was a big mistake, i could tell over the past 6 months she has been struggling with bills although she never talks to me about it or complains about my lack of financial support,

i have confronted her about things and have now found out that she has alot of fairly serious consumer debt, it is to the point now where she can not afford to pay some credit cards and we might end up losing the house eventually,

i am stressed and do not know what to do, i love her very much and i want to be with her and marry her there is no doubt about that,

sometimes i feel like a temporary seperation would be best for the time being, us not living together but still seeing each other while i let her work things out,

does this sound reasonable or odd?

sometimes i feel like it would be for the best in the long term, and sometimes i feel like that would be basically running away from the problem instead of confronting it,

i am not financially able to help her pay all of her bills or i would,

for the most part she is responsible, but there are sometimes where we go out and she spends alot of money on entertainment and dinners but then cant afford the bills so i guess that is being a bit irresponsible, although i hate to say that,

i just dont know what to do,

sisters359

First off, what does moving out do for the situation? I don't understand. If you are thinking, "she got herself into this mess and she has to get herself out," then fine. But I don't see a connection between where you live and her debt. Maybe you need to be more clear about what's going on.

Second, no matter the reason, her situation needs to be addressed honestly by the two of you. Was she talked into a mortgage she can't afford (low payments for X number of years that led to a balloon payment and now really high payments?) Did this then lead her to use her credit cards? Has most of her consumer debt been necessaties or extravagances (like the dinners you describe)? It is one thing to have made a single financial judgment that goes wrong (the risky mortgages that everyone was told they could refinance when the time came, but has proven false) vs. a continuing series of bad decisions and excess spending. You have a right to know her spending patterns unless she wants a pre-nup that insulates you from her financial errors.

If the only reason you want to leave is b/c the stress level in the relationship is currently pretty high, that's not such a good sign. You can do couples counseling even if you aren't married. But, if you really just want out, then go. You aren't married yet and it sounds like you haven't contributed to her financial distress. Rescuing her might be noble but it wouldn't really solve anything. If you feel like leaving, go.

Markie

thanks for your reply,

i am only estimating, but i feel like her consumer debt would be about 50/50 between necessaties or extravagances....she does like to over indulge sometimes,

she lived in this house with an ex-husband many years ago and has been on her own now for a number of years, so she probably got the mortgage together with him,

when they split she took on the mortgage herself and i guess i just assumed she could handle it by herself because she seemed to be doing fine until recently,

the ex-husband probably chipped in with the bills more than i have, but she did live here alone for many years,

PBear

So what are you doing to address the situation? Like getting a job that provides a more stable income so you can help with things? Have you sat down and talked with her about the situation?

Here's my ideas...

- Have an open discussion about the financial issues that are happening. Then brainstorm on ways to resolve them. Lay out a budget, etc...

- Research and attend financial counseling (both of you)

- Take some financial planning books out of the library, and work together to lay out a plan

- Put yourself in a situation where you can contribute more (financially) to the relationship. How are you going to survive on your own if you can't survive when someone else is paying the majority of the bills?

- Attend marriage/relationship counseling, as it seems you two might have some communication issues to deal with. Ideally, these things would come up before they become deal breakers.

I don't mean to lay all the blame on you... She obviously has some money management issues to work on as well. But you're the one posting in here. And the only person who's behaviour you can control is your own.

C

Markie

thanks for the reply....

i am not blaming everything on her because some of the "indulging" i do myself also....i feel very guilty and partly responsible for us losing the house (if it comes to that) because now i am blaming myself for not contributing more which is making me feel worse and more depressed....

looking back now, i would not have allowed or participated in most of our indulging if i knew what was going on with her bills....but at the time i didnt know....i have always been under the impression that she was affording things comfortably....

PBear

Markie, so now that you know, the question is "What are you going to do about it?" Is running away to leave her to deal with it the right answer?

There really seems to be two issues here... Financial and communication. If you two are going to work things out, you need to address both of them. Heck, even for your own sake, it really seems that you need to work on both of them (again, picking on you because you're the one posting here)... Otherwise you run the risk of the same problems in the next relationship.

Good luck!

C

Markie

that is what im trying to decide

MEM11363

Why not sit down with her and make up a budget? A tight budget that eliminates ALL the optional stuff. The credit card companies will usually agree to a payment plan if you stick with it.

As for your business, if you really worked hard could you increase the average amount you earn by 20-30 percent? I get that it
"fluctuates" but I also would guess that if you worked a lot more for the next year or so you could crank you income up a decent amount. Or you could get a regular job.

I agree that she should have talked to you about all this. And also believe that if she isn't willing to make and stick to a tight budget than maybe you should leave. But if she is, and you care about her, you should step up and try to make this all work.

Is the house worth more than the mortgage?

Markie

thanks for your suggestions....

the house is worth more than the mortgage....i asked her if she would be able to pay off all of her debts if we sell the house and she said no with kind of a bit of a chuckle, so i took that to mean she would still owe alot....

Mom6547

This is a GREAT opportunity to see how you guys resolve problems together. Solve the problem *together*.

This is a multiple step process:

- Get your hands on a cope of Total Money Makeover. Both of you read it together, discuss and implement.

Part of what you will learn in the book is budgeting. Forget about blame gaming who was more frivolous when business. From hence FORTH, you are going to learn financial discipline together. IF either of you cannot do that, does not do that discipline learning, then you might have another decision to make.

- Next step is for you to get gainfully employed. You need to do this regardless of whether you remain together or not. If your business does not even support you, then get out. Get a job.

If you cannot or will not work with her on this, then you probably are not ready to even consider marriage. So this is excellent like marriage with training wheels on!

Good luck.

Markie

thanks for the replies....

i guess im thinking in the back of my head its mostly her mess....maybe i also fear that if i DO help her out of this that the same thing might happen again (on her end)....i dont know this for sure but i think she took out a second mortgage to pay off debts once before....

i am also thinking about doing some travelling alone to have some time to myself and think about this whole situation....i have always wanted to travel alone....i know she would not have a problem with that but i fear it might make me feel worse because that is money i could be using to help her out...and the whole time i am away i might be feeling guilty....

i am majorly but thanks for the help....

Mom6547

In my opinion, if you are willing to give up over such a teeny issue, you are likely not ready to be married.

magnoliagal

This isn't about you rescuing her it's about sticking with her while she figures it out. You've got to take that man hat off. You are right this is her mess but it's not your responsibility to fix it. If you were to just magically make it all better then you are right she would likely do it again but if you let her suffer the consequences of her actions while you stay strong she won't do it again. She will learn from her mistakes (hopefully but you won't know until you try). Don't marry her until you find out though. Financial problems is in top reasons of many arguments and divorces.

And I also agree if you aren't willing to stand by her then you aren't ready to be married. I've been married almost 20 years and we've had more than our share of adversities. Its just life.

Mom6547

This brings up a good point. No one here, not one, suggested you fix it FOR her. But that you 2 work together to fix it.

This could be a really good growth opp for both of you. That said, it my reading between the lines is right, you are looking for an excuse, a reason, to leave. You don't need one. There is no better reason to leave than you just want to leave. Staying together for the sake of it is a recipe for a failed marriage.

Markie

im not giving up, and never said i was...as i said the seperation would be temporary...it would not be breaking up...it would just be living seperately and continue seeing each other once or twice a week...like we did before i moved in...