How do you know if you want children? - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 14 (permalink) Old 05-04-2011, 11:52 AM Thread Starter
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How do you know if you want children?

That's basically my question. How do you know, or how did you know? I don't mean, obviously, when all practical issues are stable, I mean how did you know yourself before the practical issues even needed considering? Did it hit you one time and you realised it was now or never? Or did it creep up and you realised you actually enjoyed visiting your friends'/family children?

I'm asking because I don't know whether I know whether I want them

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post #2 of 14 (permalink) Old 05-04-2011, 12:03 PM
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Re: How do you know if you want children?

I always loved and wanted kids. So for me it was easy--insatiable baby lust. I personally believe the only reason to have kids is because you cannot stop yourself from doing so!

As for a "good time?" There's no such thing as a "good time" to have kids, but there are really, really BAD times. Helpful, I'm sure!

Good luck, whatever you decide!
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post #3 of 14 (permalink) Old 05-04-2011, 12:06 PM
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Re: How do you know if you want children?

most people dont decide to have children....the decision is made for them after the
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post #4 of 14 (permalink) Old 05-04-2011, 12:08 PM
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Re: How do you know if you want children?

I didn't know. Just got to the age where it was now or never and went for it. I have never been a kid person even now. The only kids I really like are mine. After my son was born I spent the first 9 weeks thinking now what? But then we bonded and it was a love like no other. I ended up liking it so much that I went on to have 2 more children rather quickly. Had I waited till I wanted kids I think I would still be waiting. Lol!

The real issue is whether you are ready to have your life turned upside down or not. Now that I was ready for. My life seemed so empty at the time and now I know why. My wonderful kids weren't here yet.
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post #5 of 14 (permalink) Old 05-04-2011, 12:25 PM
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Re: How do you know if you want children?

I always love children and always wanted to have some in the future. My plan was when I get married then I def. want to have kids. Also, my plan was to have a child before I'm 30. Hubby (back the fiance) and I were engaged and planning to get married the next yr. but planning not to have kids for a while. I found out that I was 4 mo.'s preggy at that time and we got married after 2 mo.'s ( I know so soon but hubby wanted to marry me) and it's the best thing that ever happened! Our 2nd child is totally planned and we waited 3 yr after our first. We're planning to have 3-4. If only we can have 6, I'll be up for it but our place will be too small for 6 children. The 3rd will be plan again coz we wanna enjoy their individual baby yrs. and also, it's much easier to take care of them with bigger age gaps. My plan was supposed to be 1 child before I'm 30 but I have 2 kids now before I'm 30, oh well. Sometimes things don't go well as planned but it's a good thing
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post #6 of 14 (permalink) Old 05-04-2011, 12:55 PM
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Re: How do you know if you want children?

I'm sure glad you brought this up.

I think that having children is so often assumed to be 'just what married people are supposed to do,' and then people do it without any thought or planning at all.

You do have a choice. You don't have to have children.
I believe that everyone needs to consider this fact. Setting aside the sentimental aspects of raising a family, you must realize that by having children, you are introducing a tremendous strain on yourself and your husband emotionally, financially, "spiritually" if you belief in such things, etc. Any existing issues or problems will surely be exacerbated with the presence of children.

I suggest you visit this website/forum: The Childfree Life
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post #7 of 14 (permalink) Old 05-04-2011, 03:39 PM
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Re: How do you know if you want children?

Don't wait too long. That way when you screw them up you can blame it on your own youth.
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post #8 of 14 (permalink) Old 05-04-2011, 04:41 PM
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Re: How do you know if you want children?

You just know...but be mindful and honest with yourself. Make sure also that youre in a good place financially and have a good home to raise a child. Try not to be in a position of dependency (dependent on parents, others in your life) to raise your child.

I know this is an extreme, but we are parents of a still born child. Grieving that kind of loss makes you want that child back and you would do anything to have that child back and be a parent....but you can't. Thats how I definately know I want to be a parent again. My wife is preganant with twins now and we take things day by day.
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post #9 of 14 (permalink) Old 05-05-2011, 09:04 AM Thread Starter
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Re: How do you know if you want children?

Thanks guys, for your responses

Thanks for the site, AbsolutelyFree, I'll check it out.

elo123, thank you for sharing your experience and congratulations on the twins!
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post #10 of 14 (permalink) Old 05-06-2011, 10:23 AM
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Re: How do you know if you want children?

How do you know when you want anything? It is something you think about, its fits into the fabric of your life.....

I never had children. Not because I do not like them, or can't have them. I have neices, nephews....I play and sit for the 6 yr old next door because he's great and its fun

But in all these years, I never woke up and thought "wow" I really want a baby.

I'm happy - always have been. Our society does seemingly push children as the answer to living life, but its a choice like so many other things in life.

Good luck, Leah

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post #11 of 14 (permalink) Old 05-06-2011, 11:24 AM
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Re: How do you know if you want children?


Im nearly thirty and me and hubby both seem unsure about a family.
At one stage your still young and you both think we dont have to think about having a family for a few years and now we're kinda at the age where we should be thinking about it but we dont have an answer!

I have two nieces, when they stay with me it only takes about two hours and then Im fed up entertaining and cleaning up Its these feelings that make me think Im not cut out for it.
Then I see tv shows and freinds with their babies and think aw I want one and then I think it would be sad to let that life go by.

I think if it happened unexpectedly then of course I' be happy but now when we have the decision it seems really hard! I guess I always assumed when I got to a certain age I would want a family but it hasnt really happened yet.

Plus our parents have never asked us (not that I want to have the conversation with them) but every now and then they keep slipping in little lines that start "when you have kids.....".
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post #12 of 14 (permalink) Old 05-06-2011, 11:31 AM
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Re: How do you know if you want children?

I would say if you don't KNOW, don't do it. I always knew I wanted kids eventually. Unfortunately I was foolish and married my first wife who would probably have never wanted children. Luckily we divorced and my current wife and I both wanted children (had our first within the first year of our marriage). She was 32 bye the way so don't think you are too old at 30.

Now we have 3 beautiful daughters and I couldn't be happier with that aspect of our lives. Be warned, it can be the most frustrating experience and the most beautiful experience in your life. Sometimes in the span of about 10 minutes...
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post #13 of 14 (permalink) Old 05-07-2011, 01:18 PM Thread Starter
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Re: How do you know if you want children?

Leah L and KI0159 - thanks for posting, it's also good to hear from people without children/still undecided respectively, as I am still in the latter frame of mine too.

frustr8dhubby - I agree with your statement, if you don't know then don't... and good to know your wife was 32 when she had your first so there's time for me to make my mind up yet!
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post #14 of 14 (permalink) Old 05-08-2011, 12:10 AM
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Re: How do you know if you want children?

Nynaeve3 - Not sure if you are a woman or a man asking this question.

I personally am not even that 'wonderful" with kids, meaning I have NO desire to be a teacher or work with little kids at all. I was also never the type to go "oohhh look at that little baby & rush over & ask to hold him or her". I didn't grow up with babies around me either being an only child. BUT I always envied my friends with big families, the closeness AND the chaos.

Maybe I watched too many episodes of "The Waltons" in my youth or something, but I ALWAYS KNEW, had that insatiable desire for my own children.

Having a little peice of yourself & your other half, it is such a wonder, seeing yourself in them as they grow. Pure amazement & beauty. Even with the dirty diapers & throw up on your shoulder. Being able to shape & mold & inspire another human being, a chip off the old block. What can compare to this?

There are many JOYS in this life, this IS one of the greatest.

The closest thing to unconditional love you will ever experience in this life.

I have 6, they are all so very different in personality. Each one brings his or her own special JOY--and irritations. I sometimes worry how I will handle the Empty nest syndrome!

Yes, when that BABY LUST comes upon you, you will KNOW, it will speak to you, from the depths of your being. Many a woman has yearned to be a Mother, your heart will ache if this is what you want & can't acheive it. If you feel "nothing" right now either way, you are not there.

When it comes, be sure to start a "family journal" so you can record all the sweet / crazy /outrageous things they do & say. I started a little late in life but my oh my, the funny stories to tell someday to our grandchildren.

Memories like these, irreplaceable. I will know at the end of my life I did a good thing - choosing to have my children. At least I feel this way NOW.
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