wiscotrouble

My wife is obsessed with a rock band. Whenever they are in our area she goes. She stalks their bus afterward and has hung out with them at a bar. I know she is very attracted to one of the members of the band, and it really stings when I see her constantly twittering him. I don't know if he responds alot to her twitters, but she seems really into it. She goes to these concerts with a friend she met online, and I have never really met this woman. I admit I have poor self esteem, but I feel she would be hurt if I were the one chasing around a woman I was really attracted to.

Another problem is she is very closed as far as communication is concerned. She doesn't tell me anything unless I ask and then gets mad at me for asking. We have been married 11 years, and I love her very much. We have two awesome children and I love my family. Another thing I have an issue with is our sex life, which is almost nonexistant. She will never initiate it and when I do, sometimes she pushes me away. If we have sex once a month, that is a lot.

One other thing is she doesn't go out often, but when she does, it never includes me. We don't ever go anywhere by ourselves, it is always all of us or us separetly with our friends. Sometimes her friends will have their husbands along, and I'm not invited. Another thing with the band is that she has probably a thousand pictures of them all over our computer and in the 11 years we've been together, we have maybe 10 or so together or even just of me.

I'm not an unattractive person, but this makes me feel like she isn't attracted to me. Am I reading too much into this? All I know is that I love her alot and I do not want to get a divorce. Please help.

AFEH

Don’t reckon you’ve communication issues between you. More like you do not like one little bit what your wife is communicating to you in one form or another. And in that your communication level is very high, so the problem isn’t communication, it’s what being communicated.

What I do think you have is a massive difference in core values and beliefs between you. And it’s these core values and beliefs that are the source of the conflict and upset.

You both “see the world” exceptionally differently and I don’t think there’s much you can do about it. That is you wont want to “adopt” your wife’s core values and beliefs and she wont want to adopt yours. So you will “eternally clash” over them. Liken it to “religious wars” based on fundamentalism as that is what you are facing. You’re not going to convert your wife and she isn’t going to convert you.

What can you do? You need clearly defined personal boundaries. In these cases the essence of the boundaries is a massive INTOLERANCE of what you consider to be your wife’s abusive behaviour towards you. Take a look at Boundaries for Men.

Bob

Blanca

She's making it very obvious that she see's you as just a friend. If she has no problem showing her adoration for this band and the guy in particular then the intimacy between you two has been gone for a long time. Since she's so open about it in front of you she probably reconciled with the fact that you didn't really care about her a long time ago. It also sounds like she's having a midlife crisis and is reverting back to her teenage years. Maybe she feels like she never had her fun.

__________________


"I'm a lover of what is, not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality."
- Bryon Katie

grayhound

I agree with this... she sounds like she's having a midlife crisis and trying to relive her youth.

Maybe you surprise her and take her to a concert to a similar band, but not THAT band. Something around the same era. Show her a good time, just the two of you.

And maybe you need to give her some space... ignore her, make her think you are "busy". I swear, if we think you guys are interested in something other than us, we go nuts. (unless she doesn't get jealous at all... then you may have to go away for a week or so).

Get out of the house, get away for a few days, give her tons of space... chances are, she'll miss you.

put a little mystery into your relationship... it might help!

Good luck!!

the guy

Sorry man you have been replaced. The dynamics that should be in your marraige is going towards the band and this guy.

Until she realizes that her behavior is unhealth for the marraige, you are in a loosing battle.

You want the connection she has with the "band" but you don't and you can't control her or make her connect with you. So it boils down to what you will tolorate what are your new boundries for your self and what you want to do when your boundries are crossed?

You can not cure this unhealthy marriage with out her but you can cure your self and work on your self, but not for her but for your self ... take care of your self b/c you diserve good things. As you become a better and show more confidence in your self, kind of person you can only hope she sees this new you and joins you with your journey.

So let them go and if they return then it was ment to be, if they dont then move on and find your own happiness with someone that can connect with you. Now wouldn't that be nice? Don't you deserve good things?