Mid-Life Crisis or Walk-Away Wife Syndrome
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Old 05-09-2011, 11:18 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Mid-Life Crisis or Walk-Away Wife Syndrome

Married 16 years, thought everything was great, occassional spat, nothing compared to the early days of the relationship. Mid-February she tells me she wants a divorce. I was shocked. This rocked me for weeks and I did all the wrong things afterwards like begging, showing how distraught I was, etc.. She has not left as of yet and we are in counseling, but she refuses to say she loves me and when asked how committed she is to the marriage gives a dull reply of uncertainty.

It has all been up to me to hold this together and work on it, but she is participating to a limited degree.

They may be the same thing but it seems to me she is suffering from a MLC or WAWS. Not sure. The major changes I noticed in reflecting over the past year was changes in dressing, working out (never did for 16 years), adult braces to correct a barely flawed smile, looking into plastic surgery for the breasts...

If it is one of the two or both, does anyone have advice on how to deal with this?
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Old 05-09-2011, 02:35 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Mid-Life Crisis or Walk-Away Wife Syndrome

There are other's here who have provided great advice in similar threads, but I suspect that more information may be needed to get others to chime in. Often, the walk away spouse syndrome is the result of years of unmet needs or unhappiness. Finally, the unhappiness overcomes whatever reasons were keeping them in the relationship, whether it was children or other reasons. Once this decision is made, its hard to get them to be willing to reconsider.

Maybe it would help if you try to provide a little more detail. What have been her issues/complaints in the past? How would you describe the relationship?
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Old 05-09-2011, 03:06 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Mid-Life Crisis or Walk-Away Wife Syndrome

She has claimed everything from me being too controlling to not having her needs met for years, although she has not communicated clearly any of what this means or at all till the day she told me she wanted out.

When asked for an example on how I am controlling she claimed when I asked when I could expect her home from a party, that this was me controlling her. I explained I was only doing this to know if there is a point to be worried, which I probably learned from the parents. She also highlight some arguements from months and years past, that were really not that bad in my eyes, but maybe I am wrong.

I understand she is claiming the unhappiness which really surprises me, because she seems mostly happy, outside of a stressful job and we have spent much time together going to church, walks, vacations, etc. I don't seethe unhappiness.

Almost everyone I know along with myself thought we had a great marriage, which now does not seem like it to either of us. There are no kids so that is not what is keeping her in. I really do not get it, but suspect her older sister who has never been married and regularly in and out of relationships, plus works with her is not giving her the good example that our situation could use.
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Old 05-09-2011, 03:26 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Mid-Life Crisis or Walk-Away Wife Syndrome

Is there someone else?
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Old 05-09-2011, 04:10 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Mid-Life Crisis or Walk-Away Wife Syndrome

She claims not and I don't believe so.
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Old 05-09-2011, 04:28 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Mid-Life Crisis or Walk-Away Wife Syndrome

She'll completely re-write history if need be to justify any actions on her part. It will seem like you were both in two different marriages - trust me.

Could be MLC (how old is she) or could be that she got fed-up (WAW).

Is she willing to go to counseling or has she made up her mind that she's just through?

Perhaps a MC or IC could get to the root cause of why she has decided to now make a move to separate from you. Something triggered it.

I know, at almost 51 I am really reassessing where things are in my life - more so than at any other age. I guess because while I realize I have more life to live, I'm not heading up the upside of that hill anymore - I've topped it and am going down the otherside and I want to be happy for the time I have left.

Perhaps this is where she is too?
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Old 05-09-2011, 05:53 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Mid-Life Crisis or Walk-Away Wife Syndrome

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She'll completely re-write history if need be to justify any actions on her part. It will seem like you were both in two different marriages - trust me.
THIS.

My wife has rewritten our entire marriage as well as our relationship prior to our marriage.

My guess is she is having an EA or PA. I hope i'm wrong however. Do you have a copy of your phone bill? Can you see if she's been texting or calling anyone?
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Old 05-09-2011, 07:09 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Mid-Life Crisis or Walk-Away Wife Syndrome

Sounds like there is some one else. The first response from many cheaters is a lie. Do you have access to her cell phone, FB, etc?
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Old 05-09-2011, 07:49 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Mid-Life Crisis or Walk-Away Wife Syndrome

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Originally Posted by MarriedWifeInLove View Post
She'll completely re-write history if need be to justify any actions on her part. It will seem like you were both in two different marriages - trust me.

Could be MLC (how old is she) or could be that she got fed-up (WAW).

Is she willing to go to counseling or has she made up her mind that she's just through?

Perhaps a MC or IC could get to the root cause of why she has decided to now make a move to separate from you. Something triggered it.

I know, at almost 51 I am really reassessing where things are in my life - more so than at any other age. I guess because while I realize I have more life to live, I'm not heading up the upside of that hill anymore - I've topped it and am going down the otherside and I want to be happy for the time I have left.

Perhaps this is where she is too?
She just turned 46 and seems to be showing signs of realizing her mortality. I have faced the fact we do not live forever for a long time, but I think she is now waking to the fact.

The rewriting of history has happened and the only memories from her are of the bad times, where as mine are 98% all good times. Bizarre.

We are using a MC although not sure how helpful he is. The sad thing is that she is thinking moving on may make things better without trying to work on it. Glass half empty.
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Old 05-09-2011, 07:51 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Mid-Life Crisis or Walk-Away Wife Syndrome

No evidence on phone records of texting or strange calls.
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Old 05-10-2011, 03:50 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Mid-Life Crisis or Walk-Away Wife Syndrome

Was she very sexual when you were dating/newly weds? Maybe she wants some excitement in her life that has long gone? Not saying you aren't satisfying her needs sexually but sometimes guys forget that women need romance and usually have a strong sex drive well in to their old age. Sometimes us guys neglect that. Sounds to me as a MLC considering she has started working out an has become more image conscious. I hate to turn the tables on you but what about yourself? Are you still the man she fell in love with years ago or have you let yourself go? Maybe you should share time together working out, dieting, dressing better, etc. Take her out dancing, get a hotel suite, and pop a Viagra! Try to meet her halfway and let her know if you are willing to change with her.
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Old 05-10-2011, 08:02 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Mid-Life Crisis or Walk-Away Wife Syndrome

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Was she very sexual when you were dating/newly weds? Maybe she wants some excitement in her life that has long gone? Not saying you aren't satisfying her needs sexually but sometimes guys forget that women need romance and usually have a strong sex drive well in to their old age. Sometimes us guys neglect that. Sounds to me as a MLC considering she has started working out an has become more image conscious. I hate to turn the tables on you but what about yourself? Are you still the man she fell in love with years ago or have you let yourself go? Maybe you should share time together working out, dieting, dressing better, etc. Take her out dancing, get a hotel suite, and pop a Viagra! Try to meet her halfway and let her know if you are willing to change with her.
Shortly after being married it was obvious that sex was a low priority in her life. I on the other hand am the romantic and high drive. Does a proposal at the Eiffel tower give a clue on me? I have asked if there is anything we could be doing different for her needs in this area and according to her nothing.

When she started working out last year, I did as well. I have always been fit and this only made me look better. I am 51 and she commented recently that I look like I am in my 30's. So this is likely not the issue.

She knows I am willing to work at what ever it is to make this right, so I can only distill this down to a MLC or something else.
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Old 05-10-2011, 08:13 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Mid-Life Crisis or Walk-Away Wife Syndrome

She knows you will put up with nearly anything. Me too. My wife knows precisely what I will tolerate. And just to be clear I don't put any credence in this mid life thing. I think it's a myth. What happens is that people just get worn out pretending they care about you. It's been what? 15 years or more and they're thinking "Well I've treated them like **** all these years and they still don't leave, I guess it doesn't matter what I do to them anymore and I don't care if they know it."
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Old 05-10-2011, 08:26 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Mid-Life Crisis or Walk-Away Wife Syndrome

Well, I would not worry about labels of MLC or WAW . What it is is that wives will grow tired of their life unless you give them daily emotional stimulation and connection.

The answer to this is you have to learn how to be attractive to a woman. A woman does not find a man attractive if he badly needs her and asks her what he can do to make things better. A woman does not find it attactive if a man has to beg her to say I love you or even express the need for her to "love" him.

Your attitude has to go to the following. You will attract your woman if you act reasonable. For example, if your woman says I'm not sure I want to be with you any more... The "reasonable" answer is if you don't want to be here, the door is this way. The "wrong" answer is "I need you so bad I want to cry". She needs to see you acting like the picture of a man, and a man does not put up with craziness.

The bottom line is you have to behave and act in such a way that you attract her to you, and decide if that does not work you will attact another fine woman to you. You have to show her you are a great guy and don't care whether it is her or another woman that gets to experience life with you. You have to become the seller and not the buyer. You cannot beg, ask, talk your way back into a good marriage with her.
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Old 05-10-2011, 08:52 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Mid-Life Crisis or Walk-Away Wife Syndrome

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The rewriting of history has happened and the only memories from her are of the bad times, where as mine are 98% all good times. Bizarre.
I actually think this is where a person, any person, does themselves a very great disservice. It used to really cut me up deep inside when my wife came out with something bad out of the “blue” from 10 or 20 years ago. If she ever spoke about the past all she ever did was to bring up something bad about it. Plus although it was based on some truth it got way distorted over the years she’d kept it in her mind.

It cut me up so much I actually began to fear what she was going to come out with next. Separation has done wonders for me. I took the time to write our relationship history as I saw it. I like recalling good memories, but as I was writing it triggered bad memories for me. I wrote these bad memories separately from the good. What I realised was that I’d “forgotten” the bad I’d got from my wife. And I could see just like her I too could have kept focus on my bad memories instead of my good ones.

Not so long ago I sent my wife my good memories. Guess what? Yes she could recall the good memories as well (a lot were “forgotten") and more of her own,

So don’t let your wife’s “problem” take away your good memories. Write them all down. Chronologically worked for me from the day I first saw her. In my case that was way back in 1968. Those memories are still there and they will bring you comfort. Like me you may want to send them to your wife.

I refuse to spend anymore time with my wife. Why should I when I know for a fact that in another ten years or so she’d still be looking back on the bad no matter what good I’d brought into her life.

Bob
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