TeamLa08

I'm new to this website and want to give some backgound on my relationship.

Hubby and I dated for 2 1/2 years and have been married for 8 months. He lived with his parents up until we moved in together 3 months before our wedding. His attachment to his parents is a bit disturbing to me. He goes over to their house at least 3 days out of the workweek and everyday on the weekends. They seem to have a dysfunctional relationship. They favor their two older sons and treat my husband badly in my opinion.

He has 2 kids. His 11 year old son lives with us. His daughter stays every other weekend and spends the majority of that time with me.

He is addicted to painkillers and I knew about this before we got married. From what I can tell, his addition is bad enough to cause problems in our marriage, but not as bad as it could be.

I'm not trying to throw myself a pity party, but I do everything around the house..all the cooking, cleaning, shopping, etc. My husband comes home, sits down on the couch, and stays there until he goes to bed. We talked about this yesterday and he just got defensive and said he can take care of himself and he'll start doing that now. This upset me because I feel like his answer should have been that he'll try to help out our family more rather than just singling out himself.

He is the spender and I'm the saver in our marriage. I pay the bills and he just spends like there's no tomorrow. It got so bad that he no longer has access to our bank account. I have to give him cash every few days so that he doesn't drain our bank account. This is the source of many fights because I feel like he just wants money to buy drugs.

We do absolutely nothing in our spare time. All he wants to do is sit and watch tv or go to his parents. I can't even get him to go to the grocery store with me. I'm a homebody, but occasionally I enjoy going to the movies or out to dinner. If I suggest going to a movie, he says he'd rather rent one and watch it at home. If I ask if we can go out to dinner, he says we can pick it up and eat at home.

Our sex life is blah. We have sex maybe once every 2 or 3 weeks. He just doesn't want to most of the time.

I knew we had these problems before we got married, but I think I was trying to not focus on them. They seem to have gotten worse the past few months. I feel like maybe I made a mistake marrying him. Some days I feel like our relationship ran its course long before we got married. I want to work on our marriage so that I can feel like I tried. He told me the other day that sometimes its just easier to give up. That made me sad and made me feel like he doesn't care to try. Any guidance would be greatly appreciated.

PBear

So why DID you marry him? You're not really giving any reasons why you should stay... He doesn't sound like a good father or husband or even someone to consider marrying, based on what you say.

How long had he been living at home? Is he doing anything to move towards getting off his addiction?

Have you looked at counseling? Joint would be good, but individual for yourself, if nothing else.

C

TeamLa08

Honestly, I don't know why I married him. He was basically a rebound relationship that eventually led to me falling in love with him. At times, he's a good person, but has a lot of growing up to do. I think I made the mistake of just wanting to have a husband and family already and moved too fast without thinking.

He had been living at home all his life...29 years.

Whenever we have one of our worst fights, he'll go to a meeting for his addiction, but never keeps up with it. Its like he just does it to shut me up for a while.

I've had one session with my employer's EAP service. He's open to doing joint sessions, so that may be the next step for us.

PBear

Ok, so how did he get 2 kids while living at home? And why did you "rebound" for 2 years or whatever it was?

Here's my guess... He's not going to change because there's no reason for him to change. What ramifications are there if he doesn't quit the prescription drugs? What about the counseling, and making a serious effort? Between his parents and you, what are the odds that everyone has just been enabling his behaviour for the last 29 years? I think you're exactly right, except it's not "like he just does it to shut you up for awhile". He IS doing it to shut you up and get you off his case. Then you let it go, and he can get back to doing whatever the heck he wants to do.

My advice... Make a list of your "must haves"... The things that have to change (and in what way) to make this relationship work. Talk about them with your counselor, present them to your husband, and make him understand that you're not going to keep nagging at him on these issues, but these are the things that need to change, and this is the impact if they don't. Then follow through with it. Have a plan in place if they don't change. Either be prepared to kick him out (if the lease or property title is in your name) or be prepared to move out yourself if he won't or you can't kick him out. But if you fail to follow through, you'll just be reinforcing that there's no impact to him not changing.

That's my non-professional advice... What has your counselor had for you?

C

johnboy63

LOL, sounds a lot like me (except the drug part)... at least how I used to be. I lived at home till the age of 26, moved out, moved back, moved out, etc. I still visit my parents house on weekends when I have nothing better to do because my sister and nephews live there. I realized it was very unhealthy for me to live at home any longer at the age of 28. Now I'm 35 and have my own apartment 100 miles from parents house, and hold 2 jobs. For the most part I lacked motivation to move out until I got a wake up call that I was wasting my young life.

So anyways, it sounds like you have a user on your hands. I hate to sound harsh but the reality is very harsh. He was a rebound and you kind of felt sorry for him right? His problems made yours look like nothing? You thought getting married would make things change for the better? Truth is he will only get worse with his drug use. The only way for you to help him is to leave him and let him want to fix himself! Get an annulment if possible. Don't let his bad habits drag you down with him. What ever you do, don't get pregnant by him! That will only add to the chaos. Believe me... coming from a person like him, he will not change! I have to kick my own ass to not give up and run to mommy and daddy as sad as it sounds its true. He is very codependent on other people and drugs. Only time to himself can break him out of that codependency and make him want to be an independent person. Good Luck!

johnboy63

And you married him knowingly that he had those other co-dependencies? I would understand if he rocked your world on a nightly basis but to marry him with a drug problem and no good sex? I just dont understand it! It boggles the mind! Why are you being a martyr?