General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
This is silly. People with "serious relationships" don't chat up old ex girlfriends every day.
The OP would be better if he quit lying to himself, let the girl he is leading on go free, and just be single. There is nothing wrong with flirting and keeping in touch with exes, but you shouldn't lie to yourself and others, or pretend to be monogamous. You're not monogamous if you are keeping all your old steadies on standby.
"That amounts to stealing from me"- your wife is not your possession! I feel sorry for her if she has such poor self esteem that she has no problem being with a man who views her as something he owns or who needs to control her behavior. That's very sad.
"your wife is not your possession!"
True enough. As such, she has the right to exit the relationship whenever the afore mentioned activities become more important than me.
"she has such poor self esteem that she has no problem being with a man who views her as something he owns or who needs to control her behavior"
I would counter that she has A LOT of self esteem. She showed me that she doesn't need to IM, chat,text, add exes, flirt with, or gaming with other men to stroke her ego. That she was willing to take what I wanted into consideration. That's CLASS...that's SELF ESTEEM. In fact, it is her confidence and self esteem that draw men to her. Once again, I can admit that these are value judgements on my part. But, I insist upon them.
This isn't the first time I have gotten a reaction like this when writing about this issue. In fact, someone tells me that she is not my "possession" everytime! I wonder why such a strong reaction when a) I clearly say that what works for us may not work for other people, and I respect those who chose to live differently, and b), it isn't like she has NO choice in the matter. This is an educated woman who is making a consciouss decision.
Lastly, rather than low self esteem, I move that it is our relationship and our life together that were the major influences in her decision when these subjects were brought up. I am very liberal in most other apects of our life. In fact the freedoms my wife has, and the privileges I provide often make her the envy of her social circle. It is just this one issue that I have put the kibosh on! Also, it may appear that this is all one sided. Not so. If I told you some of the things she has "MADE" me give up you'd realize that I can sacrifice and compromise with the best of 'em!
Im sorry I dont buy this logic, what about people seeing their baby momma and daddys, every week? I understand thats necessary but if just being in contact with an EX meant you were gonna have sex with them again, wed be doing the nasty every time we pick the kids up. I think FB is just a scapegoat for people who wanna cheat, theyre gonna cheat with or without FB, if not with an ex on FB, it would be on some raunchy dating site or craigslist. Its like saying if people dont have guns theyll be no more murders.
Not the same thing. Because that situation is unique. 99% never lose continued contact with your baby-momma's for obvious reasons. People dont' go onto FB looking to cheat, but it happens when they let their guard down and aren't careful. Some of you are speaking on personal bias, "I wouldn't dare..." Well that's good for you, there are alot of people who are daring.
I am sorry but is facebook really a fight worth having in your current relationship? If it is, then the relationship must not be that important. My wife "found" and "reconnected" with an ex on facebook and I told her I wasn't comfortable with it. She told me there was nothing to it and it was harmless. Her constant chatting with this guy really made me upset and I told her to stop and delete him. Well, she said "she wouldn't be in a relationship in which someone told her who she could and couldn't talk to."
Needless to say, they developed an emotional affair and now we are getting a divorce.
Whether you think it is harmless or not, respect the person you are currently committed to, because that is going to be a more fruitful relationship than "keeping up" with old exes.
Wow, you could be my twin! We are in the exact same situation. My husband even made it about me having a trust issue after a past EA. But I tried to trust him, and I basically just sat idle while their relationship became deeper. I heard the exact same line. It spelled disaster. Now he's walking around acting like he's just moving on and it happens to be with HER. Uh, yeah, you haven't even been out of the house 2 months and she lives 2500 miles away.
Bottom line...are the exes as friends more important than your significant other? That's what it boils down to.
Quote:
Originally Posted by AvaTara539
That's not needless to say at all! I would say the same thing to my H if he tried to control who I communicated with and I would also never cheat on him. Women may be more likely to cheat on you if you're not meeting their emotional needs, in your case it sounds like you did not trust her. Doesn't make her right for doing it, affairs are never okay, but I'll bet it wasn't the connection with the ex that lured her to do it but that you were forbidding it and being distrusting and controlling.
This self-entitled selfish attitude is exactly what ends up being the issue. Some people have boundaries they won't cross, but everyone has moments of weakness. Never say never! Sounds to me like he trusted her, but she used that trust to do something inappropriate and selfish, in true cheater fashion. And you're basically saying he thrust her into the arms of the other man. What a load of BS. Him telling her that he's uncomfortable and asking her to cut contact is not what causes her to reconnect with the ex. The ex was already an issue, and she used it to justify her actions. Yes, there were unfulfilled needs, but if you are married, you owe it to your partner to communicate that instead of stepping outside the marriage.
Wow looks like a lot of insecure people who don't trust their spouses are telling you to cut off your FB. I could not disagree more! I can personally say I am friends with almost all of my ex's and if my husband didn't want to "put up" with that he would be my ex too. I would never be unfaithful to him and I think it's a sign of MATURITY not a red flag for infidelity if someone can have a platonic friendship with someone after they have dated them. I would say "here's my passwords", show her you have had no flirtatious or sexually charged email or comment exchanges. That may ease her mind about the scenario but really... I personally think it's ridiculous. Although in my M we have passwords saved and automatically load on our emails and profiles because we know we aren't hiding anything. So maybe that kind of thing would help. Good luck to you and don't listen to the insecure haters, you have a right to be friends with who you want!
So if your husband approaced you and said, he's uncomfortable with your Ex's on FB... u'd divorce. Wow, no wonder your stance is like this, and i'm not shocked you have EX's on FB either. Snippy comebacks seem the be the MO for people who don't have an issue with this.
It has nothing to do with being insecure. Google "Facebook Ruins Marriages." Do you think people are making this stuff up??? I am sure their are people who might have cheated anyway without FB. But FB made it alot easier for people who were weak during a moment, to have an affair. U seem pretty proud of the fact you have all your Exs on FB. Why do you need to keep in contact with guys you were once intimate with? To me, its all about boundaries, and being that close to people like this is palying a dangerous game.
I am very genuinely FRIENDS, with no romantic feeling AT ALL, with several of my ex boyfriends from the past.
Well, that's nice--there's always "exceptions" to the rules--doesn't make it a good idea to go befriending ex's when you've remarried. You must be the ONE woman on earth who can put emotions aside and think logically when it comes to past relationships....smh...I think people exaggerate things like this for the sake of argument. Your situation doesn't validate or excuse the inappropriateness of that behavior. It's just disrespectful to a spouse as a married person, and that relationship should be more important than all others.
So if your husband approaced you and said, he's uncomfortable with your Ex's on FB... u'd divorce. Wow, no wonder your stance is like this, and i'm not shocked you have EX's on FB either. Snippy comebacks seem the be the MO for people who don't have an issue with this.
It has nothing to do with being insecure. Google "Facebook Ruins Marriages." Do you think people are making this stuff up??? I am sure their are people who might have cheated anyway without FB. But FB made it alot easier for people who were weak during a moment, to have an affair. U seem pretty proud of the fact you have all your Exs on FB. Why do you need to keep in contact with guys you were once intimate with? To me, its all about boundaries, and being that close to people like this is palying a dangerous game.
Re: X's On Facebook 
In fact, it is her confidence and self esteem that draw men to her. Once again, I can admit that these are value judgements on my part. But, I insist upon them. 
you'd realize that I can sacrifice and compromise with the best of 'em!
I would never be unfaithful to him and I think it's a sign of MATURITY not a red flag for infidelity if someone can have a platonic friendship with someone after they have dated them. I would say "here's my passwords", show her you have had no flirtatious or sexually charged email or comment exchanges. That may ease her mind about the scenario but really... I personally think it's ridiculous. Although in my M we have passwords saved and automatically load on our emails and profiles because we know we aren't hiding anything. So maybe that kind of thing would help. Good luck to you and don't listen to the insecure haters, you have a right to be friends with who you want!
My sentiments exactly.
