Married women who are friends with guys
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Old 05-13-2011, 08:17 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Married women who are friends with guys

Lets say your married, and you have aquired a few newfound guy friends.

Whats the etiquette there, so that it doesn't "cross the line".

I'm in a situation where "to me" guys are crossing the line, but in a "harmless" sort of way.. but my wife doesn't "shut them down' as I feel she should. She just sort of plays along, but in such a vague way thats she's not so much leading them on.. but they still attempt to talk to her like they do. Some of the guys are married themselves.. and they'll still make comments to her that to me a married guy shouldn't make to another woman.

chit chat, about the weather, work, hobbies and interests.. are fine.. but whats the cut off? Like, is it ok for a guy to elude to "being with you" in some fantasy world? or constantly telling you your "hot"? or even better asking for naughty photos. I mean, I know its not all guys, but an astounding number just have no respect for her or her marriage.. happily or not. And, why do the females not just say "hey, we are just friends.. I'm married". Instead of jokingly playing along..

for example..

wife: how was your trip to <insertplace>?
guy: good, but boring coming back to an empty hotel room.
wife: you couldn't pick anyone up?
guy: ha ha, i didn't see any that I'd want to pick up.
wife: oh lol
guy: how come you didn't volunteer to come?
wife: work lol
guy: I wouldn't have minded.

wife doesn't say anything for a bit..

guy: Did I scare you off?
wife: no, just got busy at work.

see what i mean? "harmless' but the intent is there. I don't talk to other married women like that..

here's another example.. this one is just a perv imo.

guy: pic????????
wife: sorry i'm slacking
guy: lol do you still have my number?
wife: yeah
guy: I'm ready to see that ass.
wife: lol ok.
guy: I want to see it all, but we'll start with that.
wife: lol ok.

and this sort of talk has gone on for say over a month. no pictures have been sent, and I don't think there is any intention in doing so.. so why keep the guy going like that?
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Old 05-13-2011, 08:26 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Married women who are friends with guys

some women enjoy that attention. low self esteem makes them want to get confirmation that men are attracted to them.

I think the first conversation started out ok but then took a wrong turn toward the middle and end. if I were the one in that conversation i would have interjected with.. "inappropriate my friend...we can't have you forgetting that i'm happily married."

Of course, not all women do this because they crave the attention...some don't outright shut a man down bc they're too nice. these women are just too nice and don't want to hurt anyone's feelings no matter what.
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Old 05-13-2011, 08:38 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Married women who are friends with guys

You need to put that to a stop to that, pronto. A major boundary is being crossed by both parties and they should know better. deal with it yesterday, or it will get worse.

If that were me, I would be making a HUGE deal out of it at home- if it turns into a fight or one of us sleeping on the couch, so be it.

my .02. Good luck.
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Old 05-13-2011, 08:47 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Married women who are friends with guys

I want to, but I had to use less than respectable means to even know it was happening. I mean, my wife is a nice girl who doesn't like to hurt people's feelings.. but recently she doesn't mind being "crass" with anyone including me.. except for these sleezeballs.
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Old 05-13-2011, 09:09 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Married women who are friends with guys

I'm going to jump in on this as a woman who is, and always has been, friends mostly with guys. Since I was little--I'm girly as all get out now, but I was a hell-on-wheels tomboy growing up and it really wasn't until much later in life that I learned the "tricks" of being friends with women, lol.

I don't think there's any problem with women, married or not, being friends with guys....IF they always have been. If your wife has suddenly developed these male friendships, and several of them, I think it's more than a bit suspicious.

Also, I can tell you definitively, that those are not the conversations that one ever has with a guy if they really are friends. Ever. I don't think my friends have ever asked me for even a regular picture, much less a naughty one and I would seriously fall down dead if any of them ever said they wanted to "see that ass". Conversations about work trips would likely not ever involve asking who they "picked up" and the most mentioned would have been something more like, "it was awesome, you should have been there"

I hate to automatically veer towards suspicion and assume the worst just because girls are talking to boys...but these conversations look like they started out with the intention of flirting, hooking up, whatever. Otherwise conversations just don't go there with your friends. Or at least I've never had friends that I had conversations like that with.

Friends are friends. Dates are dates. These guys are on the string. Or at least the prowl.
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Old 05-13-2011, 09:16 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Married women who are friends with guys

she's been texting two of them all morning long.

since about 8 this morning, its not 10..

neither of us got much sleep last night, and I've already tried talking to her once this morning and all i get are "yes or no" answers.

I sent her a text after i left work saying she looked nice...
and i got no response.

I asked her a little while ago, if she didn't like me giving compliments..

she said, "i'm too effing tired to get into it" and she never refers to me as her husband anymore.. I'm simply.. "Joe".

Both of these guys are married, but I don't see what in the world they'd have to talk about all morning.. when she can't find two words to say to her husband.
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Old 05-13-2011, 09:17 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Married women who are friends with guys

Okay changed my answer based on your last post. Something is up with these men. She's encouraging it. The part where she'd rather talk to them that you is a huge red flag.

Sounds like she's shopping for a new man.
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Old 05-13-2011, 09:22 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Married women who are friends with guys

Well i'd have a problem if i came across my wife's texting that included this... i see your wife's reactions as playing it safe enough to keep the frienship going. Sure she should of shut this type of **** down immediately, because it ain't cool. But she's in reaction mode, these guys opening the door, she's just letting them down easy, instead of slaming the door.

The real truth will come out once you confront her, if she defends these guys actions as "harmless" and doesn't want to do anything about it once its realized its upsetting to you, now we have a RED FLAG. Whereas she understands your position, and say she will no longer engage them when they go there.. then you shouldn't have no worries. I have female friends who i know plenty about... i don't go there in regards to sending pics and stuff. That's an invitation to an EA.
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Old 05-13-2011, 09:25 AM   #9 (permalink)
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I don't want that to be true. She's talked to me about both of them before. Both are married, and usually the conversations ARE harmless. I don't know if she's just liking getting attention from a guy in general or if its more than that. I just would think if your "that" tired.. you'd not want to talk to anyone.. period. It also doesn't help that she never talks to these people on the phone its always via some text or chat based deal that can be deleted. I never get to read anything but bits and pieces of conversations, and we are on rocky terms right now too.. but to me.. doing that isn't "working on us". Our anniversary is next week, and I have her a very expensive diamond ring and a nice dinner planned.. she doesn't know it.. but it doesn't make me feel very giving, when she'd rather get all her attention from some ********* via a text message.

I've even helped one of them before with some tech issues, and she actually told me she had wanted me to meet the other one some time. That he was one of the only friends she had left who would just listen to her. Should I believe it? As far as I know he's never crossed the line.. but the one I posted above about the trip.. she's been talking to him all morning.. almost a text every minute or two..

here's what I've said to her since 7 am this morning...

me: your morning get any better?
her: no i'm tired
me: me too, just had a user curse me out.
me: did our anniversary pop up on facebook for you?
her: yes

a little bit later.

me: you don't like me giving you compliments do you?
her: For what Joe? I'm too damn tired to get into it today.
me: I'm not trying to get into anything, just asked a question.

bit later... no response

me: do you want to go with me to get the paint and stuff tonight for the room?
her: idc
me: ok.........

Last edited by randomguy1; 05-13-2011 at 09:33 AM.
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Old 05-13-2011, 10:10 AM   #10 (permalink)
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I don't want that to be true. She's talked to me about both of them before. Both are married, and usually the conversations ARE harmless. I don't know if she's just liking getting attention from a guy in general or if its more than that. I just would think if your "that" tired.. you'd not want to talk to anyone.. period. It also doesn't help that she never talks to these people on the phone its always via some text or chat based deal that can be deleted. I never get to read anything but bits and pieces of conversations, and we are on rocky terms right now too.. but to me.. doing that isn't "working on us". Our anniversary is next week, and I have her a very expensive diamond ring and a nice dinner planned.. she doesn't know it.. but it doesn't make me feel very giving, when she'd rather get all her attention from some ********* via a text message.

I've even helped one of them before with some tech issues, and she actually told me she had wanted me to meet the other one some time. That he was one of the only friends she had left who would just listen to her. Should I believe it? As far as I know he's never crossed the line.. but the one I posted above about the trip.. she's been talking to him all morning.. almost a text every minute or two..

here's what I've said to her since 7 am this morning...

me: your morning get any better?
her: no i'm tired
me: me too, just had a user curse me out.
me: did our anniversary pop up on facebook for you?
her: yes

a little bit later.

me: you don't like me giving you compliments do you?
her: For what Joe? I'm too damn tired to get into it today.
me: I'm not trying to get into anything, just asked a question.

bit later... no response

me: do you want to go with me to get the paint and stuff tonight for the room?
her: idc
me: ok.........
So basically, she doesn't have time to get into long texts with you, but she doesn't have a problem with holding long convo with other men. Hmm, perhaps i spoke too soon about this being no big deal.

This is why i go back to, if you address it calmly and its valid, and she still continues, then there's a problem.
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Old 05-13-2011, 10:27 AM   #11 (permalink)
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yeah, I mean. I have no proof of anything and as I said before.. she never "agrees" to anything its just vague.. don't say yes.. but don't say no either.. so they'll keep talking to me.. its all about keeping the attention coming.. or thats how it seems.

my wife has never had alot of outside attention from guys. Her sister got all that. She's been with me for so long, she doesn't know what it feels like I guess.
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Old 05-13-2011, 11:17 AM   #12 (permalink)
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If this was my wife I would confront her about this and put a stop to it. If she refused I would ask her what is more important to her, her husband or her boyfriends, and yes I would use the word boyfriends. Tell her what you know, that she gets off on having sexual tension between her and other married men, and it WILL stop else you will walk.

I would also talk to the wives and let them know that their husbands are going after your wife. I would also talk to the men and let them know you know EVERYTHING they say to your wife. I would crack the whole thing wide open.
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Old 05-13-2011, 12:39 PM   #13 (permalink)
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yeah, I mean. I have no proof of anything and as I said before.. she never "agrees" to anything its just vague.. don't say yes.. but don't say no either.. so they'll keep talking to me.. its all about keeping the attention coming.. or thats how it seems.

my wife has never had alot of outside attention from guys. Her sister got all that. She's been with me for so long, she doesn't know what it feels like I guess.
So basically, she's grown found of having all this new attention, its a stroke to her ego and self esteem. U giving her a compliment... no big deal. An outside guy gives her a compliment, she's gushing through the rough.

Here's the ony problem with what's going on now. These guys... they are chipping away at her foundation, and it sounds like to me from the texts you quoted, that she is becoming annoyed with you asking about it. If you allow it continue, they may break her if she becomes vulnerable. By now putting your footdown, you are "rubber stamping" this to escalate.
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Old 05-13-2011, 12:59 PM   #14 (permalink)
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U giving her a compliment... no big deal. An outside guy gives her a compliment, she's gushing through the rough

A lot of times we feel the husband is complimenting us to get to have sex and not really bc they mean it.or they're complimenting us bc they feel it's what they're supposed to do. When a stranger or friend compliments us,we feel it's because they really mean it and have no ulterior motive.

I don't say this way of thinking is right...but it is common at least among women I've known throughout the years.
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Old 05-13-2011, 01:11 PM   #15 (permalink)
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So basically, she's grown found of having all this new attention, its a stroke to her ego and self esteem. U giving her a compliment... no big deal. An outside guy gives her a compliment, she's gushing through the rough.

Here's the ony problem with what's going on now. These guys... they are chipping away at her foundation, and it sounds like to me from the texts you quoted, that she is becoming annoyed with you asking about it. If you allow it continue, they may break her if she becomes vulnerable. By now putting your footdown, you are "rubber stamping" this to escalate.
I agree, but she's always caught me snooping once and has told me that if I was caught again.. that was the end of it. She told me I had to trust her or not, it was my choice. What if I am completely overthinking it, and it IS really just harmless talk? I'm going to at least wait til our anniversary is over before I say anything to her.
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