General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
You know that scenario where you say one thing but your body is telling a different story? That's me.
Had a great talk with the H last night. I've become very much more aware of his emotions over the last month or so and have seen him really put up his defenses when I talk to him. So I asked him why he gets *so* defensive when I talk to him. I told him it's very frustrating to me because I feel like he's shutting me down before I can try to get anything out.
His response? "I feel like you're always upset with me."
Ooookay. So I ask, "What prompted you to feel that way?"
Him: "I don't know, I just feel like you're always judging me."
So I follow with, "Is it something I'm saying, something I'm doing, or is it something you're perceiving?"
He says, "It's your body language. You tell me everything is fine but your body language comes across as hostile."
So I know what he's talking about. I have a pretty impressive filter on my mouth and 99% of what I think never falls on his ears. And he should be grateful for that, too But in all seriousness, I hold a lot in and it trickles out through my body language.
The other day I was really frustrated and upset because I was having a rough day pain-wise. I've had chronic pain and fatigue issues for awhile(currently in the process of being diagnosed). I'd also been pms'ing. I was walking disaster. I drugged myself up though and we took our son to the park for a walk. Had a great time, but I still didn't feel great. Got home and H got a really bad headache. He laid down on the sofa right away because he really felt sick.
At one point I was just looking at him for a minute thinking, "I hope he feels better soon, he's really not looking good." He saw me looking at him and snaps, "What? You have a problem with me laying down for awhile?"
Whoa. Not on my radar at all. Didn't see that one coming. I said, "I have no problem with you lying down, I was just thinking that I hope you feel better soon." He says, "Well, you look like you're pissed at me." Oh geez. I *was* having a tougher day than usual and didn't feel well, but I didn't realize my body language was portraying hostility.
I could give 100 examples, literally, this thing happens so often.
The topic of reading people has always been an interest of mine, primarily because people always joked that I was too good at it as a younger person. Later, it came to really help a secondary, unstellar writing career.
Some men pick up on signals really well. In my opinion, women generally do (part of women's intuition), but largely only certain aspects of body language. For example, when I suggested to my wife that her sister was having an affair based on going out to dinner with her and her husband, my wife said those signals weren't there. A year later, when the affir was exposed, her husband was shocked, to say the least, because it had been going on for over a year.
When you're in pain, or there is some history of tension between you and your husband, your posture and movements will change. He must pick up on these. Maybe when your movements shorten, and the posture tenses, he associates that a certain way, like maybe fitness testing him. here, you were deliberately thinking supporting thoughts, but he was only focused on the things he had picked out from the past.
Six months ago, three of us in my team interviewed a guy whose job would be to manage relationships with clients. We wanted a level headed person, with analytical skills and technical background. This guy had the pain/irritation type body language, but was selling himself as calm. It was forced. My peers bought the sales job when they interviewed him. I started challenging him, suggesting that his resume didn't add up, even though it did. He became more intense, with short, jerky movements and tense "angry" posture. My peers overruled me, so now his boss deals with constant complaints from clients.
It might be interesting for you to begin throwing your guy off the trail. Try to use calming, affirming gestures when you talk to him for a while. Then don't. Mess with his mind.
I'm an interrogator and reading body language is crucial in our business. For everyone, though, at least 85% of what we "hear" we get not through words but through body language. People lie but body language rarely does. You told your husband "everything's fine" but he knew that was a lie because your words didn't match your body language. Very often, I have no idea why someone is lying or I may not know exactly what they're lying to me about but I can tell just from their body language that they're being deceptive. I've gotten hundreds of confessions in cases where I've had no physical or testimonial evidence, just because I pay attention to body language. When words don't match the heart it's pretty obvious to someone who is paying attention. This isn't mysterious. Animals have survived millions of years by communicating almost exclusively with body language.
OMG yes!! I get this a lot!! In fact many people think I'm mad or pissed off it's part of my personality. Sometimes I'm just in serious thought or like in your example I'm just tired or not feeling well.
For me this has been totally fixable. My therapist suggested that I be more forthcoming about how I feel so my family doesn't have to guess. I can tell them, show them, something so they don't read my body language wrong.
So in your example of having a bad day of pain I would have worked to hug my husband, say words of endearment, tell him how proud I am of him, how much I love him, something then I'd say I'm not feeling so hot today and I just want you to know it has nothing to do with you.
Now on that filter you've got going on that won't do. I've gone that route and it fails miserably because they know your mad. Just because you've shut your mouth didn't make it disappear and you know it. What I'm doing on that is trying to either come to peace with it on my own, vent here first, or just nicely but directly tell my husband what he's done thats bothering me. Usually just coming out and saying it makes me feel better. Bottling it up does not.
But before I could do that I had to get my husband prepared to start listening to me without getting defensive, making excuses or whatever other crap he does that is annoying. That involved filling up his love bank kinda like what 10 positives for every negative?? Forget the actual number but you get the idea. Now I can tell him that he did A that bothered me and he'll actually apologize and mean it. I pick my battles though and I'm in counseling so I'm not as mad as I used to be.
At our house, every single one of us, except maybe my husband & our 3rd son, can NOT hide how they are feeling, it JUST shows, ain't no questioning it. Happy, sad , angry, fuming, it is written all over our faces, expressions & out our mouths in how we speak. I think they all get this from me. I am so forthcoming about what is going on inside, all feelings on the sleeve. Thankfully for all (though my kids may not agree) I am generally in an upbeat mood.
When I am not, my husband rarely takes it personally, he is good for making light of it -saying "Who pi**ed in your cornflakes" or telling me I need valium or something that makes me realize I have no reason to be so upset , he reminds me "Life is good", he is a great encourager in this respect. He's even jokingly sang this song to me >>>YouTube - ‪Don't Worry Be Happy Bobby Mc Ferrin [ smile ]‬‏
When I am upset, many times it is over "worrying" /fretting about something that MIGHT happen. Usually never does. I can work myself up just thinking negatively.
If I am upset over a friend, or some health concern, or just having a BAD DAY - we all have them -best to just let your spouse know it is NOT him at all -but stuff - clue them in, so they won't take it personally -surely this will help them understand what is going on under the surface! And maybe he can help you cope, you can cope together.
For instance I was fit to be tied the other day, 2 computers crashed within 2 days of each other, one sounded like a jet plane taking off when you turned it on - while we were moving rooms around for new carpet, my son lost his glasses, then our internet quit out of the blue -here a wire was messed up on the phone line after he moved it for the carpet installers. I called his work , not mad at him but fuming over all of THIS -could anything else go wrong! He is always calm , walked me through how to fix the phone line -it worked! But I wasn't nice when I called, I was a roaring angry lion. He could hear & FEEL my frustration. I let out a roar, then it all passes, and I am good when he gets home.
MGirl, we all have bad days, we worry , we fret, we are not in the best of moods, even the happiest of people have their moments !
Communicating in such a way as to allow your husband to KNOW it is NOT about him - but clueing him in to what is really on your mind (when it IS something else) -I think this would he helpful to you & he. Slowly he will come to understand you better & what you are thinking, not taking everything so personally. Or it should work that way.
Me & mine know each other SO well, we can literally guess what is on each others minds, we do this all the time.
Thank you for the replies! I have more to reply right now, but I'm headed out for a 4 day vacation with the H and won't have internet. I'll comment more when I get back on Tuesday Have a lovely weekend!
Thank you for the replies! I have more to reply right now, but I'm headed out for a 4 day vacation with the H and won't have internet. I'll comment more when I get back on Tuesday Have a lovely weekend!
Me too Mgirl, we are taking a little vacation too, getting back the same day as you, leaving all the kids at home! Oh yeah! But I am taking my laptop, I think I would have withdrawl without it. He sleeps more than me, I need something to do at night. Enjoy!
we are adults I don't take kindly to someone venting on me or my children if they had a bad day or if something don't go there way.thats just selfish and rude to take out your frustrations on the very people who love you and you love.
Now if you would say Listen honey I had a horrible day and I apologise in advance for being a ***** tonight then thats a different story.I would then say let me give my beautifull women a cheer you up hug or something corney like that.and would also be more patient if she did act poorly because I wouldn't be blind sided by some crazy *****
Now if you would say Listen honey I had a horrible day and I apologise in advance for being a ***** tonight then thats a different story.I would then say let me give my beautifull women a cheer you up hug or something corney like that.and would also be more patient if she did act poorly because I wouldn't be blind sided by some crazy *****
Yes, THIS is the way to BE. I would choose THIS over the spouse who "HOLDS" all his negative emotions in & doesn't want to share or trust me enough to open up so I can help or listen. Now THAT would drive me crazy, or someone who is so agreeable, you simply know it is fake - to appease you.
I understand people have bad days, it is a part of living.
This is strange, but My church used to be really BIG on this concept that "the words you utter out of your mouth will fullfill your destiny" (taking this literally-Charles Capps teachings)- and what that meant was -if anyone asked how you was - If you didnt answer "good" or "Praise God, I am happy today" , if you so much as admitted to a little pain or something upsetting you- it was like inviting a plague into your life, these things would come upon you. What that equalled to me was --people walking around FAKING their emotions to gain favors from God . You always knew who not to ask any questions too cause they were all "Praise God" answers.
I remember once a group of women talking about their weight, one of my friends admitting struggling to loose the pounds, she was light hearted about it, humble & this other lady jumped in there forcefully saying "Dont claim that!" and went on to tell her this is why she can't loose weight because of the words she speaks out of her mouth. It was just the crazest thing. It troubled me a great deal.
So on the one hand, we don't want people to misuse thier anger -taking it out on unsuspecting loved ones or even strangers, but on the other hand, I don't think we should fake how we are feeling either - especially if asked by a friend, denying the reality of our own emotions. This can not be healthy in any way. We may want to climb the spiritual ladder where we no longer feel sadness, pain , sickness or anger, but it will never fully be realized while we are human.
I am someone who feels -just having someone to listen when we are having that BAD DAY, if you share in the right manner (sometimes I fail here)- this can be the BEST medicine you can give another person >> the gift of listening, acknowledging their pain & empathy.
we are adults I don't take kindly to someone venting on me or my children if they had a bad day or if something don't go there way.thats just selfish and rude to take out your frustrations on the very people who love you and you love.
Now if you would say Listen honey I had a horrible day and I apologise in advance for being a ***** tonight then thats a different story.I would then say let me give my beautifull women a cheer you up hug or something corney like that.and would also be more patient if she did act poorly because I wouldn't be blind sided by some crazy *****
That's just the thing. I don't vent on my husband or my son. I don't take my frustrations out on them. I do tell my H when I'm having a tough day. I always let him know ahead of time and tell him I'm sorry in advance if I come across as upset. He still takes it personally, though.
That's just the thing. I don't vent on my husband or my son. I don't take my frustrations out on them. I do tell my H when I'm having a tough day. I always let him know ahead of time and tell him I'm sorry in advance if I come across as upset. He still takes it personally, though.
either he is just not mature enough to see the forest through the trees or you play the I had a bad day card too much.
how often do you have a bad day and what is the cause of the bad day.
If the cause is not your fault then oh well nothing you can do about it. calk it up to sh-t happens and try to have a better outlook .
My mom always said no matter how bad your day went the sun is still going to rise tomarrow.
Body Language 
But in all seriousness, I hold a lot in and it trickles out through my body language. 
, sad
, angry
, fuming, it is written all over our faces, expressions & out our mouths in how we speak. I think they all get this from me. I am so forthcoming about what is going on inside, all feelings on the sleeve. Thankfully for all (though my kids may not agree) I am generally in an upbeat mood. 
Have a lovely weekend!
