11-18-2008, 12:57 PM
Join Date: Oct 2008
| | Re: Just Leave! Why is divorce portrayed as so simple?
I feel like I am in a really strange place in my marriage right now. I have no desire to work on anything in the marriage, yet I feel at peace with doing nothing. I don't feel the annoyance with my husband that I felt in the last few months. I feel like being nice to him; I don't want to look for faults. I have actually felt good about his lack of desire to touch, be romantic, etc. because I really don't want him to do any of those things with me. I don't want to have any talks anymore about what I'm not getting, but would like to get. I am likely feeling this way because I'm growing (or drifting) away from him. I'm okay with being roommates while raising our children, for now. At the same time, thoughts of TOM fill my head and heart. I realize I have stopped trying in my marriage.
It took me a few days to respond to this post partly because I'm not sure I care anymore what happens with my marriage and partly because I wanted to find a way to ask him these questions without him getting suspicious. I wasn't able to think of a way to directly ask him the questions so I'll give it a shot from his perspective.
A few weeks ago, I completed a marriage questionnaire on the eHarmony Marriage website. He completed it also through an email invitation I sent through the eHarmony site. Although the site called it a "free communication report" there were only 3 free sections and I haven't paid to see the rest of it. The three sections were "Conversation, Conflict Management and Interdependence". From the report, it appeared that everything with our relationship is just fine in these three areas for him. If he read the report, he should definitely have concerns with the way my answers differed. He hasn't said anything about the whole experience so I'm not sure he's even realized there is a report. I don't have any desire to talk about it.
For conversation, his report said "You are comfortable with how you and your wife communicate, and you feel that your conversations lead to increased understanding between you." For conflict resolution, his report said "Arguments between you and your wife have sometimes resulted in discord and turmoil. But more often than not, you two have found ways to successfully manage conflict so that it leads to an agreeable outcome." For interdependence, his report said "You experience a deep-seated interconnection with your wife, being able to rely on her without concern that she feels imposed upon. The balance of time spent together and apart feels really good to you."
That's the same way I think he would answer the questions posed above. I think he'd answer 9-10 for all of them because as far as he is concerned everything is fine. He's an easy guy to please and he rarely has much of an opinion on anything. He's very agreeable and easy to get along with.
I read another recent post on this forum about being a nice guy or too nice. I think that is what his problem is--he knows his personality is that of a nice, "good" guy, he's very honorable and agreeable. I think he thinks that being a good person should be enough. There shouldn't be any reason to have to do things to 'woo me'.
I'm just losing desire to want to do anything with my marriage anymore. I just want to be "friends" and still remain close so our children don't see controversy with their parents, but I don't want him for a "lover" anymore (I really don't if I ever saw him as a "lover"). I definitely think husbands/wives should be lovers. What's keeping me here more than anything is how much pain divorcing will cause for so many other people. I really love my husband and I don't want to see him hurt. I just don't want to feel so "empty" in a marriage.