Lack of Affection or Attention? - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 11 (permalink) Old 05-21-2011, 06:02 PM Thread Starter
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Lack of Affection or Attention?

Does anyone else's partner innately just not feel the need to be particularly (or at all!) affectionate? My H simply isn't, and also doesn't feel the need to receive it either. I am a very affectionate person, I grew up in a household with hugs and kisses. My H's parents aren't/weren't touchy/feely and he says this is why he fails to notice situations where he could be more affectionate or why he thinks it's worth bothering with. It's just not a concept he understands - just as not being affectionate is a concept I struggle to understand.

So I was just wondering if I married an alien, or if there are other peoples' partners out there who were out back when the affection gene was being handed out?
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post #2 of 11 (permalink) Old 05-21-2011, 06:11 PM
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Re: Lack of Affection or Attention?

what was he like when dating?
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post #3 of 11 (permalink) Old 05-21-2011, 06:25 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Lack of Affection or Attention?

During the first few months I remember him being affectionate, he used to say affectionate things. However, we've been having the discussion mentioned in my afore post for years, certainly the majority of our relationship (together 7 years). He would tell you he is affectionate, but just in different ways - in ways he values affection - such as support. He does support me a lot if I'm feeling down or something, he'll spend time with me until I feel better or try and get me out, he once spent ages getting a load of articles together for me for an assignment because I'm useless at research, he comes to most places with me regardless of whether it's his thing... he just isn't good with the random hugs or kisses or verbal affection... I know I'm sounding ungrateful now just was interested to know whether he's a rare breed
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post #4 of 11 (permalink) Old 05-21-2011, 06:31 PM
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Re: Lack of Affection or Attention?

You may be interested in a book called "The five love languages" by Gary Chapman.
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post #5 of 11 (permalink) Old 05-21-2011, 08:13 PM
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Re: Lack of Affection or Attention?

I'm an alien. Oh I like the idea of affection and enjoy it but am not good at initiating it. I've had to work at developing this skill because it's important to my husband.

I also grew up without any affection. It's a foreign concept to me but I'm learning the language.
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post #6 of 11 (permalink) Old 05-22-2011, 11:54 AM
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Re: Lack of Affection or Attention?

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Originally Posted by magnoliagal View Post
I'm an alien. Oh I like the idea of affection and enjoy it but am not good at initiating it. I've had to work at developing this skill because it's important to my husband.

I also grew up without any affection. It's a foreign concept to me but I'm learning the language.
That's because you are a woman, and women do not like to initiate affection... only recieve it.
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post #7 of 11 (permalink) Old 05-22-2011, 12:10 PM
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Re: Lack of Affection or Attention?

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That's because you are a woman, and women do not like to initiate affection... only recieve it.
But I'm married to a passive man who is scared of me (I used to be an angry depressed wife) so now I'm having to initiate it to prove that I've changed. He is starting to initiate it more so maybe eventually we'll get that balance back.
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post #8 of 11 (permalink) Old 05-22-2011, 01:28 PM
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Re: Lack of Affection or Attention?

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Originally Posted by magnoliagal View Post
But I'm married to a passive man who is scared of me (I used to be an angry depressed wife) so now I'm having to initiate it to prove that I've changed. He is starting to initiate it more so maybe eventually we'll get that balance back.
How can a grown man possibly be scared of a woman?
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post #9 of 11 (permalink) Old 05-22-2011, 02:05 PM
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Re: Lack of Affection or Attention?

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Originally Posted by nynaeve3 View Post
During the first few months I remember him being affectionate, he used to say affectionate things. However, we've been having the discussion mentioned in my afore post for years, certainly the majority of our relationship (together 7 years). He would tell you he is affectionate, but just in different ways - in ways he values affection - such as support. He does support me a lot if I'm feeling down or something, he'll spend time with me until I feel better or try and get me out, he once spent ages getting a load of articles together for me for an assignment because I'm useless at research, he comes to most places with me regardless of whether it's his thing... he just isn't good with the random hugs or kisses or verbal affection... I know I'm sounding ungrateful now just was interested to know whether he's a rare breed

Your husband sounds exactly like mine in this regard. Exactly. We both read the 5 love languages together, but I think it did me more good than him. He still has issues finding the right "moments" and for some reason if I ask for it it just doesn't seem right :P

I'm really working on not caring about it too much. My self worth should come from myself (and God), and not from other people. I know he values me and he definitely shows it in other things that he does for me.
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post #10 of 11 (permalink) Old 05-23-2011, 11:18 AM
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Re: Lack of Affection or Attention?

I think my entire genetic bloodline was 'out back'!

Both my wife and I grew up in non-affectionate families. And I think that's one reason we were initially drawn to each other 19 years ago--neither of us challenged the other on an emotional level. But now that our marriage has come crashing down and we're struggling to rebuild our relationship we've found this to be a real challenge for us. Non-Affection led to non-expression (and downright repression of feelings) and the gulf that developed between us has left us struggling to find things in common.

I think there has to be a balance. Just as too many expressions of affection can seem smothering for someone who tends to be non-affectionate, too little can seem like emotional abandonment.
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post #11 of 11 (permalink) Old 05-23-2011, 11:52 AM
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Re: Lack of Affection or Attention?

Honestly, I'm like this with my H. He comes home from a long day of work and I just kiss him. I don't really hug or sit next to him and massage him. None of that. I would say I'm non-affectionate. He complains to me a lot, but sometimes I don't even want to be touched. I guess it's really weird. I received a lot of love when I was younger but a lot of cold feelings also. My family was very strict so that came first before showing any love. TOUGH LOVE I call. I guess I turned how I was raised. I don't feel the need to show XO's.. -___- It sounds cold.
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