ishe?

I have written a list of things that make me think my partner of 9 year, and father to our 2 children, may be hiding something from me. What do you think I should do with this?

Up until this point in our relationship I have never had any doubts about trusting him and I am 100% faithful in our relationship. I am struggling to believe that the man i love would ever do this to me. I have confronted him about most of these point and he can explain away them all

Its import for you to know that he runs a pub and it is common for drinkers to still be there at 2/3/4 am esp on weekends.

Things that make me suspicious:
*after 2 weeks of coming home past 5am every night, I find him passed out in bed with the barmaid while his phone was turned off
*he never leaves his phone lying around, even when it doesn’t make sense for him to remove it from the charger eg take it with him to iron a shirt,
*he got upset when I wanted to use it to send a text
*he told me (out of the blue) that he had started deleting his sent texts to see if that helped with a technical problem he was having with his phone
*he keeps his phone on silent and/or turns it off when at home
*He still regularly comes home after 4.30/5am – but if I am out with him we are always home early
*he doesn’t like me coming to the pub, doesn’t invite me to works night out
*he refuses to fire barmaid, or ask her to move out
*I found emails that barmaid had ‘poked’ him many times on fb, so therefore he also poked her back
*There is a sent message on his fb to the barmaid about 2 weeks before I found them in bed that says ‘we need to talk asap’
*he gives her lifts, even after telling me he couldn’t look her in the eye as he was embarrased that he fell asleep drunk in her bed and I found him (but was fine to be alone with her in the car!)
*I only found out about the lifts because he was seen, and the time he told me about it he was also seen
*he very rarely calls or texts me when he’s at work
*he often doesn’t reply to my calls or texts
*the gossip in the pub is that there is something going on between them
*when I asked him if he fancied her he hesitated and didn’t say ‘no’ right away
*all of his friends have cheated on the partner, is he the only one that stays faithful?

Things that make me feel safe:
*he is affectionate and we still make love
*we are best friends, and have always been close
*He has opened his emails and facebook while I’ve been able to see the screen
*he knows that i know his passwords to email acc and facebook
*he has called the barmaid on work related matter while in the same room as me
*after finding them in bed he has made a big effort to reduce his hours and spend more time with me
*he loves me and has a lot to lose
*he is a good man, and I can’t believe that he would hurt me this way
*he trusts me and knows I would never cheat on him – even after everything that has happened
*our relationship is good and strong – we communicate well and argue fairly, we both admit when we are wrong and we both consider the other persons feelings
*I can’t see a reason for him to need to find affection/sex outside of our relationship – things were going really well between us just before and in the beginning of him getting the pub. We were happy


I know that if i was looking at the lists above I would most likely think the poster was an idiot for thinking anything apart from an affair. So I'm not really asking you all if he is cheating, only he knows that, but rather what should I do?

I really don't have the inclination or time, money etc to snoop on him - i don't want to drive myself crazy. The main think that I haven't confonted him about is his phone. If i ask him about it either he will be upset that I don't trust him or he will know I'm on to him and cover his tracks better.

what should I do?

ishe?

I forgot to say that when i found him with the barmaid he was clearly VERY drunk and they were both fully clothed. I believed him when he said that he had gotten really drunk and just passed out on her bed bacause it was the only one that was empty (she rents a room above the pub, as do a couple of other members of staff)

This was the beginnings of my suspicions

ClipClop

You know he is cheating. Fire the wench. Look at the money. Phone records. How can he protest that you don't trust him when his behaviour is so suspicious? Would he trust you if tables were turned?

Fire the girl. Ask her to move. Or this won't go away.


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donewithit

ok. rule number one. no more drinking at work. period. see how he reacts to that one

but honestly..clothed or not..why was he up in her room...why not in a male staff members room. I think if you are not willing to do some investigating..then you need to let him know that he will come STRAIGHT home from work.

donewithit

clip.. did I miss that he was the boss?? if so. then YA ditto. FIRE THE WENCH

donewithit

ahhh yes. running the pub. re read..
fire her. now

ishe?

Of course that is what i said, he said that he can't fire her because she hasn't done anything wrong. He feel asleep in her bed, it was his fault not hers

Should I confront him with my suspicions? I don't feel like i 'know' that he is cheating, about 95% of me thinks that he would NEVER do this to me

magnoliagal

What do you want to do? I mean everyone is different. For me the behavior alone (excessive drinking and passing out in some woman's bed) is a dealbreaker for others not so much. I woudn't care if he was cheating or not the other stuff is bad enough.

Either way I'm sorry you are going through this.

ClipClop

Talk to your business lawyer before you or he decide she cannot be fired. What about the living arrangements?

Look, cheaters always have excuses and reasons. Good men do not end up in another woman's bed. And they don't drink all night with them, either.
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ishe?

Thank you

I really don't know. He is a really good man and up until now we had a really solid realtionship, plus we have two lovely kids together. I am scared to throw all that away with out proof, what if I am wrong and he is telling the truth - I have no money to hire a PI or get spyware for his phone etc.

I think i might write him a letter outlining why i am suspicious of him and telling him what i need him to do to save our relationship ie No drinking, get rid of the barmaid. get out of the pub as soon as he can pay the debts off (he has already said off his own back that he will pull out of the pub as soon as he can because it is effecting our realtionship so badly)

I don't know perhaps my not trusting him is the issue?

ClipClop

Read White Rabbit's thread, What is Wrong With Me.

Business owners seem to be prey to unscrupulous women. And they lap it up.
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ishe?

I've scanned the thread you mentioned and I get your point.

I HAVE become clingy and weepy and pathetic - I have recognised this in myself and blamed myself.

I am going to write him a letter outlining what my suspicions are and what i need him to do. If he cannot do them me and the kids are out. I am a strong attractive intellegent woman and if he doesn't love me enough to put thing right then that is his loss!

ClipClop

Do your homework first. Don't be hasty. Patience.

Phone records and finances.
Unfortunately a VAR won't likely help you. Keylogger might.

Don't do anything to tip your hand.

I know it is hard. But you've lasted this long.
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ishe?

I don't have access to our phone records or our finances. I don't think a keylogger would help as they see each other enough not to need to email etc

ClipClop

Do the Keylogger anyway. Affairs require a lot more reassurance and therefore more contact.
Why no access to records? What are property laws where you are?

If you can't go through his paper records at home, then ask him to turn them over for at least 6 months before she was hired. You need baseline normal to be able to see abnormal. no threats to him until you have more info. So credit card statements from personal accounts and bank accounts are good to review on your own.

My H and I have separate cards, but statements are sitting around.

Go through sent box in emails and Facebook if that works.
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