Question about counseling

Razberry · 05-23-2011, 08:48 AM

Okay, so my husband started counseling last year cuz he had some personal issues along with our marriage. We eventually started going together and seeing her separately also. Helped me, but when I asked when we should return together, she replied "your husband just doesn't get marriage". So for months it was very turbulent, a family crisis involving my mom and she eventually passed. This making me realize life is to short to be unhappy, I am ready to get on with my life with or without him. He didn't want it without him so we started counselng again. I like her very much. Feel bad cuz she does tend to pick at my husband, but he had two issues with me, he doesn't like when I ask him to do things (the tone) and I am not invovled in his health issues (diabetic). Mine are a long list (doesn't talk, is cold, lets his family bully me, left the bedroom years ago... whole laudry list). Well anyway she keeps telling him "don't come if you don't want to work it out" a couple times a sessions. She is also working with him on anger management cuz when I express my feeling to him, he blows up at me. I thought a separation may good and she thinks so too, but he doesn't want leave the kids - she told him its not a reason to say (your wife is a reason to stay). So anyway, I feel like the counseling is one-sided which it really is cuz he has most of the issues (he made me feel the way I do today) and I think that because of this he may get angry at her and stop going. My question is, is it better to continue the counseling while living together or apart (I feel he may appreciate his family more and give it more of a try if he realizes what he is losing). Any opionions???

sparkletts · 05-23-2011, 09:06 AM

I agree with you - life is too short to be unhappy. I would tell him that it means a lot to you for him to go and work on your relationship and if he doesn't want to, or feel the need to, maybe he should move out for a while.

VLR · 05-23-2011, 06:23 PM

You may consider offering your husband conditions under which you are willing to stay. Perhaps give him one last chance to step up, but only if he does the things you need immediately. If he doesn't care enough to give it a serious try - it's hard to argue with you. Even if he does the right things do you need a break to maintain your sanity? If so, perhaps leave and tell him what you'd need to see happen in order to return.

Blanca · 05-23-2011, 06:40 PM

I think you ought to consider having a separate individual counselor. I don't think its a good idea to have the same marriage counselor as individual counselor. Im sure he doesn't feel like its a safe place to be himself.

River1977 · 05-23-2011, 08:21 PM

How do you think you would feel if you were he?
Like crap.

Do you think you would work toward fixing your marriage?
Absolutely not.

Your husband feels picked on, accused, berated, you name it. He has no encouragement to change anything with these two women constantly telling him he is wrong and constantly jumping down his case.

Marriage counseling should not be ANYTHING like that for either partner. You would feel terrible if the shoe were on the other foot but as it is, you feel victorious, vindicated, and superior, while your husband is being made to feel like sh*t on a stick.

Individual counseling is for the purpose of building a person up, particularly when there is a need for them to feel like somebody is on their side. However, that is not at all what marriage counseling is about. A good marriage counselor does not take sides. S/he doesn't even try to pick through or work at any kind of laundry list of complaints - not his and not yours. This is the reason people should never go to individual counselors for marriage counseling. They have their own way of doing things and might be very good at that, but they usually have no idea how to conduct couples counseling sessions. They just devise their own process based on what they normally do with individuals.

Marriage counselors are non-biased and have altogether different techniques. Instead of trying to judge who is right and who is wrong or trying to settle every argument and complaint, they teach the two of you how to do that yourselves without them having to place either of you under the radar. They teach you how to communicate, how to actively listen to each other, and the meaning of compromise. Their processes are goal-oriented and teach you how to go about accomplishing those goals.

Marriagebuilders.com is a good place for me to direct you since I have no idea of any real marriage counselors in your area. You and your husband should both read the articles and do the worksheets/questionnaires. But, I do suggest you find a counselor or center that specializes in marriage counseling.

bbird1 · 05-24-2011, 12:32 AM

River you are spot on.

This guy may have any number of issues. I know a guy with aspbergers he loves his wife and tries real hard but unable to read body language and constant berating by his wife and her counselor on what a bad person he was he ended up killing himself.

He believed them it was all him and he believed them he made her unhappy. She was shattered after his death. Becareful of the road you are on he may have something that explains what he is today. Like aspbergers, bi-polar, adhd, ptsd, ect....

Getting him the right help might make him the man you want him to be and might certainly make him a better man. Let's try to be a better wife and actually help him.

On that note is there an apartment room or anything open to him where he can be close to you and the kids and still be out of the house? If so try it this way instead.

Hunny I love you and I want you to get better. This counselor may be all wrong for you and i know you are a good man I fell in love with you after all. But lately you seem distant and distracted and I think it would help if we lived seperate for a while and if you sought help for the things that are troubling you and I will do the same during that time. I want to work this out but i want the man i love back more. This is hard for me because i know he's just under the surface and probably screaming to get back out. Let's plan dates and some time just us and you should come have dinner with me and the kids every night and you should take them to the park to shoot hoops whenever you want.

Now the above needs to be tailored for him but you did at one time love him. What's happened that you don't now? If you do then why not help him get the help he needs by building him up and making him feel more like a man and more like it's his decission ad the right thing to do. In the process you get a temporary seperation and a chance to date and rekindle the old flame perhaps. Even if it fails then at least he has started to fix himself and you will have helped him start changing and start healing.

God bless, remember why you fell in love with him and please help him get better you may just fall in love all over again.

Razberry · 05-24-2011, 09:22 AM

I do not feel "victorious or vindicated". What I feel is relief. I thought the marriage problems were all caused by me and now I realize it is a combination of the both of us. His anger issues and not being able to open up and express his feelings were a result of me shutting down and with me shutting down his anger got worse and worse. To top it off, my mom was fighting for her life for the past two years and he was not there for me which made me shutting down worse.

We have only had two sessions with this new counselor and we are willing to return for more. I feel she is touching on the problems in our marriage more so than the other counselor. The other counselor is now helping me deal with the loss of my mother and trying to be a emotionally stronger person. She does not help me with my marriage anymore. The marriage counselor feels my husband has anger management issues and is also working separately with him on that.

There is also a place he can stay in the area, at my mom's house until we decide what do to. Our kids are older teenagers so they basically have their own life. So a trial separation is doable.

Thanks for all of your opinions,