Husband with anger issues
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Old 05-24-2011, 11:33 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Husband with anger issues

Hi everyone. I am new here – and thank you for reading..

I have been married for almost 8 months now. My husband has (what I believe to be) an anger management problem. Whenever a disagreement erupts; he walks away and does something physical to “release” anger. This has given him broken bones, holes in our wall, satellite dishes ripped from the ground, etc.

For me, the worst thing that ever happened was when he put his hands on my dog. We were bickering that day, and he took her outside to go to the bathroom. He wasn’t aware that I was watching – he got frustrated with her because she wasn’t going fast enough - so he picked her up and slung her 6 feet in the air like a ragdoll. I have a 90 pound German Shepherd – sweetest dog you’ve ever met.

This incident happened a month before we got married. I went ahead with the wedding , and since have regretted it. I don’t necessarily regret that I married him, but I regret that we got married without resolving our problems first.

He has continued with a rotten temper off and on, until about a month ago. Anything can set it off… If I answer a question wrong or say something he doesn’t want to hear… if I deny him affection (kisses) or anything of that sort; it starts a tantrum that eventually rolls into something bigger. He has openly admitted he is selfish and if he doesnt get what he wants or hear what he wants, he has an issue with that, and it eventually rolls into something bigger (an argument/tantrum/huffing and puffing).

Recently, He and I had the discussion of “if you don’t get this under control, we are headed for divorce” - me saying that of course. He has been to therapy once so far. And he is really trying to work hard on his outbursts/temper. It is honestly very noticeable at how hard he is trying.

I struggle on a daily basis; with resentment towards him, for the number of “incidents” we have had since moving in together, over a year ago. I have become very detached in the past several weeks towards him. I feel very let down by him, and have lost a lot respect for him as well. We also had the “due to your temper and violent outbursts and the fact I’m afraid of you when you get mad – I have lost the desire to have children with you at this point” discussions. I hate saying that and I hate feeling that way. He is nearly dead set on having children; and this conversation was very heart breaking for him.

For both, this is our second marriage. I just feel like I have mentally "checked out" of the relationship and I am not sure where to turn/go. Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated. I do currently see a therapist (have been for quite some time now). This is very frustrating and consuming. Thank you for reading.
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Old 05-25-2011, 12:24 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband with anger issues

I mainly wanted to let you know you're not alone. My OH has had (different) serious escalation/reaction issues, and has largely dealt with them, anyway to a degree that makes us happier and me less afraid, and has put the relationship on a more even keel. We're now getting to a stage where I think that happier state will help him feel more comfortable and 'need' to react badly should reduce. I'd say the most important thing in your post is that (a) he knows it (b) acknowledges it out loud (c) whatever his anger you've had the strength to talk the difficult talks about being together, children, etc. I'm literally rushing to get kid out of bed, to school,etc., and anyway others are far more articulate!!!!!!! but good luck and the main thing I've learned from TAM is that the only person you can work on is you........ so all you can do is be the best you possible, not that you have to take any BLAME as such for his behaviour, but maybe look at whether honestly you ever have been responsible for pushing triggers unnecessarily (seems not from the dog incident). I certainly don't mean you to think I'm switching the responsibility, not at all... just to repeat, you can't make him change, you can't be responsible for his behaviour or reactions, you just have to deal with you. Oh, and your analysis of the situation being frustrating and consuming is SO accurate, many people will relate to those words.
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Old 05-25-2011, 02:33 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband with anger issues

hobokenNJ, buy your H “Emotional Intelligence” by Daniel Goleman. He’ll learn how quickly anger can erupt in a man and the reasons why. And once he’s learnt that he’ll know how to control and manage his anger plus his other emotions.

From what you’ve posted I think in some ways you are hitting your H’s hot buttons. It’s not right that he responds in the way he does, but nevertheless. Buy yourself “Awareness” by Anthony de Mello and you’ll recognise and see your contributions to the dysfunctional dynamics. It’s a good read for your H as well.

There’s a “lifetime of learning” in both the books.

Bob
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Old 05-25-2011, 08:16 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband with anger issues

Quote:
Originally Posted by hobokenNJ View Post
He has continued with a rotten temper off and on, until about a month ago. Anything can set it off… If I answer a question wrong or say something he doesn’t want to hear… if I deny him affection (kisses) or anything of that sort; it starts a tantrum that eventually rolls into something bigger. He has openly admitted he is selfish and if he doesnt get what he wants or hear what he wants, he has an issue with that, and it eventually rolls into something bigger (an argument/tantrum/huffing and puffing).
You married an abuser.

It usually gets worse over time.

The only way this will stop is if he WANTS it to and commits himself to changing his behavior. Though that very rarely happens. Do you know the reason for his first divorce?

Do not get pregnant. And it makes sense you are losing respect for him. That loss of respect will turn into resentment over time. I know. I've been there.

My guess is he blames all of his anger/tantrums on you? He says, "You made me do that." "You're too sensitive." "I wouldn't do ___ if you just ____"(fill in the blanks w/ whatever excuse).

Get the book "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft. At your library/bookstore. Soon. Read it.
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Old 05-25-2011, 08:19 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband with anger issues

Quote:
Originally Posted by hobokenNJ View Post
. We were bickering that day, and he took her outside to go to the bathroom. He wasn’t aware that I was watching – he got frustrated with her because she wasn’t going fast enough - so he picked her up and slung her 6 feet in the air like a ragdoll. I have a 90 pound German Shepherd – sweetest dog you’ve ever met.
What was his reason for doing that when you asked?
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