Wife caught Flirting- Marriage in trouble Again
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Old 05-27-2011, 08:38 AM   #1 (permalink)
JAG
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Default Wife caught Flirting- Marriage in trouble Again

Hi,
I've been married 10yrs with 3 small children. My wife and i sought councelling at X mas to help our marriage. We had numerous issues, no sex life, no communication and grown apart etc. The councelling worked wonders and got us back talking and for the first time i felt like we had a real restart to our relationship.
During the worst time before x mas i was checking her phone as she was texting her best friend and brother about her situation.... i know...but i needed to know what she felt as i was the last person she would tell.
Anyway i saw at x mas on a girls night out that she had bumped into a load of lads and had a great night with them... I confronted her about this and told her a friend of mine had seen her. She said thay were friends from her school days and they just had a laugh.
I let it go and we had our councelling and things got better.
On a recent night out with some of her girlfriends i saw more texts where she said "i can't believe i took that fellows shirt off" there were also texts the weeks after where she would tell her friend that she saw that guy in his car as he passed her but didn't think he saw her.
There were a few more texts along the same lines. Anyway on our sons communion i got very drunk at home. I was also on medication for an irregular heart beat so the booze and drugs drove me somewhat mad. I don't remember much of the evening but apparently i abused her and called her a ***** and tramp. The next day we confronted each other and i told her i had seen her phone. She told me the quy she took the shirt off was a gay fellow called Paddy. So why did she refer to him in the text as THAT GUY so. Anyway she eventually admitted that she did flirt but nothing else happened.
We have had several rows since and i told her she can do as she pleases as i couldn't care less. The marriage is in bits and i don't know if it can recover now. I'm so tired and worn down. I have always been faithful to her. I have put up with a loveless and sexless marriage for the sake of the kids.
Neither of us can afford to move out due to the financial climate, so maybe some sort of open marriage is the best. I would end it all, only i wouldn't leave the kids with the stigma. Any advice good or bad would help.
Jag
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Old 05-27-2011, 08:42 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife caught Flirting- Marriage in trouble Again

I think you have to do what you feel works best for you and your situation.

You need to ask yourself, would you and your kids rather come from a broken home, or continue to live in one?
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Old 05-27-2011, 08:47 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife caught Flirting- Marriage in trouble Again

We will have to stay in the home. there is no doubt there. We can't afford to move out. We have large mortgage and other loans. But i suppose we will have to find a common ground to behave in a responsible way infront of our children as they are the only ones that matter now.
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Old 05-27-2011, 08:53 AM   #4 (permalink)
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We will have to stay in the home. there is no doubt there. We can't afford to move out. We have large mortgage and other loans. But i suppose we will have to find a common ground to behave in a responsible way infront of our children as they are the only ones that matter now.
I understand. I think that some people can do that, although I would think it would be hard to do, to live in the same house with someone who you don't get along with, who you have resentment towards, who you know your marriage is over with. I'm not sure I could do that, I think it would make things worse for my own sanity. But like I said some people can.
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Old 05-27-2011, 09:02 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife caught Flirting- Marriage in trouble Again

Neither am i. But presently there is no other option. As for sanity, i think that packed up and left long ago. I will let things play out and make adjustments as necessary.
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Old 05-27-2011, 09:15 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife caught Flirting- Marriage in trouble Again

Can you stay with your parents or some relatives and take the kids for a while? Sometimes spending time with other family members is healthy so the kids know that they have other family to lean on... If not, then I really don't know what else you can do. But I'm glad to see husbands out there who are so brave their kids and don't just walk out as soon as things get rough. Stay strong for kids.
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Old 05-27-2011, 10:47 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife caught Flirting- Marriage in trouble Again

Unfortunately my parent live in the country quite a distance away. They are not aware of the marriage problem and it would probably affect my mother badly as she worries about us and is in ill heath herself. Telling them is not an option.
My wife has told some of her family and as far as i can see, they support her in an advice capacity. They have never tryed to help us but from what i see they tell her "be strong" and how special she is. Of course she hasn't told them about the flirting.
No i have examined our options in the cool light of day and for the moment staying put is the only one available.... The kids are the most important and they must not have any disruption.
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Old 05-27-2011, 10:47 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Totally understand how one gets tired and worn down, JAG - but for whatever it's worth, given what you've detailed has actually happened - if you actually do love each other and do want it, this does not sound irretreivable through some agreement & hard work by the two of you with proper MC and heart-to-heart dialogue with walls broken down. What have you got to lose?
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Old 05-27-2011, 10:56 AM   #9 (permalink)
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My dignity.....I have told her twice since x mas that i love her and she didn't even reply. She has no interest in sex whatsover and when we do, it's like a tiresome chore to her...
You know i have my bad points and they prob number in the hundreds but she even admits what a great dad i am... I get her everything she wants and looks after the kids every evening while she either goes for a walk, pilates, boxercise etc. She lost two stone recently and looks better than when i met her, she is very slim and toned and i think she has got attention now because of this. She seems to love this attention and thats where the flirting started...
At the end of the day i can't make her love me or care about me.. And i'm not bothered to try anymore... Cut my losses and move on..
I'm sorry but i'm still angry and hurt over all this.....
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Old 05-27-2011, 03:14 PM   #10 (permalink)
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JAG,

You sound like a nice guy.

That's likely the root of your problems.

The Man Up and Nice Guy Reference

Read all the links. I bet you will see yourself in them.
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Old 05-28-2011, 10:18 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Men.

One more time.

It is perfectly OK to refuse to allow your wife out on a GNO at meat markets. No good EVER comes from them. Even with the FEW wives that go out to actually just dance with the girls, there are occasionally "drunken mistakes".

If your wife wants to go out "just dancing" and there is ANYTHING but FULL DISCLOSURE about where they'd been, who they partied with, who they danced with, who bought them drinks, exactly what went on, they are cheating, or want to. I can't believe I used to let my wife go out and come home at 3AM with no discussion at all. I can only imagine what went on when she was out with her wingwoman.

If they want to go out with the girls, there are movies, lunch, dinner, shopping, parks, theaters. Meat markets exist to hook up. PERIOD!
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Old 05-28-2011, 05:59 PM   #12 (permalink)
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These types of GNO are single behavior. Not for folks who are married. Not interested in the excuses about a "bit of fun". Your relationship is in trouble and she is out looking for excitement from other men. Unacceptable.
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Old 05-28-2011, 06:04 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Men.

One more time.

It is perfectly OK to refuse to allow your wife out on a GNO at meat markets. No good EVER comes from them. Even with the FEW wives that go out to actually just dance with the girls, there are occasionally "drunken mistakes".

If your wife wants to go out "just dancing" and there is ANYTHING but FULL DISCLOSURE about where they'd been, who they partied with, who they danced with, who bought them drinks, exactly what went on, they are cheating, or want to. I can't believe I used to let my wife go out and come home at 3AM with no discussion at all. I can only imagine what went on when she was out with her wingwoman.

If they want to go out with the girls, there are movies, lunch, dinner, shopping, parks, theaters. Meat markets exist to hook up. PERIOD!
Absolutely. I always face palm when I read here from husbands or wives about going out like this. It is even sadder for me that the other spoiuse is home watching the kids. That is enabling behavior. Time to man-up. Best this behavior never starts. Putting the genie back in the bottle is tough after pandoras box has been opened. Spouses playing just the tip is a game where everyone loses except the predators. I guess this is how a lot of guys end up rasising childern fathered by other men and don't realize it.

It is natural for woman to always be looking for a fitter male. Whether they act on it is another thing. But having women out on GNOs in a ,meat market is encouraging this selection process. Sooner or later .... make that soon and often other males will be knocking at the gates. Add the excitement of the moment, encorugement from like minded freinds and alchohol and what do you have? Oh and disrespect for the husband. A broken marraige and maybe STDs and a pregnancy. Sounds extreme I am sure to many, but what are the odds here?

Last edited by Entropy3000; 05-28-2011 at 06:16 PM.
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Old 05-28-2011, 06:07 PM   #14 (permalink)
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My dignity.....I have told her twice since x mas that i love her and she didn't even reply. She has no interest in sex whatsover and when we do, it's like a tiresome chore to her...
You know i have my bad points and they prob number in the hundreds but she even admits what a great dad i am... I get her everything she wants and looks after the kids every evening while she either goes for a walk, pilates, boxercise etc. She lost two stone recently and looks better than when i met her, she is very slim and toned and i think she has got attention now because of this. She seems to love this attention and thats where the flirting started...
At the end of the day i can't make her love me or care about me.. And i'm not bothered to try anymore... Cut my losses and move on..
I'm sorry but i'm still angry and hurt over all this.....
Check the blog: Married Man Sex Life

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Old 05-28-2011, 06:10 PM   #15 (permalink)
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We will have to stay in the home. there is no doubt there. We can't afford to move out. We have large mortgage and other loans. But i suppose we will have to find a common ground to behave in a responsible way infront of our children as they are the only ones that matter now.
Shut the GNOs down now. If she insists let her be the one that leaves. The GNOs much cost money. That said a group of women can get other men to foot the bill. But they get benefits for this.
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