I cant trust my husband anymore, and advice?
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Old 05-28-2011, 12:27 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Unhappy I cant trust my husband anymore, and advice?

I am 24 years old. I have been married for less than a year. I have two kids (1 and 3) from a previous marriage. When my husband and I were just dating last year, we got along, but clashed at the same time. We were together for 8 months, and then split up. He said he needed to figure his life out, because he did not know if it was right with me. I loved him, and I knew he was my forever, my heart told me boldly. But when we had split, he was with this girl he had already been friends with before we broke up, and she was the reason we broke up. They had sex a couple times, but most importantly, they got along so well. They were a perfect match to say the least, and they were together every day for a month. We did not talk, he tried to call and text a few times, but I was so hurt i ignored him. He got one of his friends to reach me, and said he wanted to meet me one day and to dress nice. I did, of course, and we went and took a ride on a train, to a beautiful town in the north georgia mountains. Everything went perfect that day, no arguing, no clashing, and no Amanda (girl he left me for). He ended up asking me to marry him, and before I could do anything, yes is what popped out of my mouth. It was a very fast process, we went to the courthouse two days later and got married, got a place together. We are still married today, and have still clashed tremendously. He has always been honest with me, at least on important issues, and I trust him to a point, but of course, insecurity is there because he left me before for someone else. We have fun together, but argue alot too. I have tried leaving a couple of times because I made him so miserable. But he asked me to stay each time. We want to be together, but sometimes it is hard to really believe that on his part. Well he went to the store the other night, and he met up with that girl. Had texted her and asked her to meet him there. The only reason I found out is because my ex husband called and told me he saw them together. So when confronted he admitted his fault, but swore it was innocent and only friendship, because they had a good connection for friendship. He had met her once prior to that night, and texts her on a daily basis. What should I do? I want to trust him, but now he is getting angry with me, because Im kinda stuck up his butt, and I am knowingly, just because Im scared he may lie again. I dont want to push him away but I cannot deal with anymore hurt in my life, if Im too loose and easy going and let them be friends, they may decide they want to be more again. I know my husband deserves trust, but when you lie, that trust is gone. Please give me advice. He also will not stop being her friend regardless of how I feel. I need non biast opinions. And only serious ones please. and be honest.
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Old 05-28-2011, 12:33 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: I cant trust my husband anymore, and advice?

He is securing the "good" wife while keeping the "good" sex free. The girl he left you for 8 months in your relationship he was secretly talking to and the only reason you know is your ex husband told you..... lets think about even your exusband thinks something is wrong with your current husbands relationship with new girl.
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Old 05-28-2011, 12:51 PM   #3 (permalink)
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They are not just friends. He is having an affair, at least emotionally. Tell him your marriage doesn't have room for the woman he left you for. He must go no contact with her once and for all.
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Old 05-28-2011, 01:22 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: I cant trust my husband anymore, and advice?

He's still cheating on you with her. What are you going to do?
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Old 05-28-2011, 03:14 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: I cant trust my husband anymore, and advice?

He did not cheat on me, he met up with her, my ex husband followed them around they just grocery shopped together, my problem is that he lied about it. When he had sex with her before we got married, we was broke up. I just want to be a good wife, but want to know how people feel about him continuing to be her friend
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Old 05-28-2011, 03:23 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: I cant trust my husband anymore, and advice?

He wants her back in his life. Where do you think that will lead? Right back where you were.

He is having an EA. You satisfy some needs, she the others. And all of those areas are in your domain. She.has.no right to any of them.

That said what does she five him and how can you eliminate his desire for her to meet them.

Either way, no friendship for him. Incompatible with marriage.
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Old 05-28-2011, 03:28 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: I cant trust my husband anymore, and advice?

Amanda has to go... or you need to. You will never have trust as long as your husband stays in contact with her. It is up to your husband to EARN your trust; he's doing a pathetic job of that!
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Old 05-28-2011, 03:52 PM   #8 (permalink)
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It never ceases to amaze me how some women can knowingly and shamelessly come trespassing on another woman's life like that and be able to sleep at night knowing that have come between someone else's marriage just because they are miserable in their own sad lives--how pathetic! I agree with other replies that Amanda has got to go. If she wants to "Grocery shop" with him and hang on his arm and play the role, she should have no problem being the one to cook for him, wash the dirty socks, clean the house, take care of the children, and put up with his attitude and all of the other negatives that come with a real relationship.

They are both in it for this false sense of happiness and excitement they get by doing something taboo and forbidden, and it is extremely immature. Your ex-husband may also have some motives there--it's so ironic that he saw them (I'm from Ga myself, you must live in one of those small towns?) but maybe he thinks he's winning some points by informing you of this or maybe he's even getting a kick out of your plight. I must say, I'm so sorry for all of the stress you're dealing with now, and you're so young. You really deserve better than that. You need not lead your husband to believe that he can have his cake and eat it too--that he can get over on you. He's probably gotten to a point where he is comfortable and secure in the relationship thinking that you will never rock the boat or leave him, so that he does not have to do much to keep you there, and he can still live his life and pretend to be single and mingle. He needs to be told about himself--bring him back down to reality and politely remind him that you are still his wife.

I would tell him that he was spotted--once you speak to him about this matter, and politely let him know that you are aware of the situation, he cannot try to lie and pretend that he doesn't know anything. You have to figure out how serious he is about your relationship. If he's more concerned about being able to do what he wants than he is about your feelings and the fact that this girl makes you uncomfortable (whether or not it makes you uncomfortable, it's wrong, all the way) then that in itself will tell you something about where this may be headed. Why can't he grocery shop with you? He's got this "grass is greener on the other side" mentality going on right now.

There is nothing he probably does with this girl that he can't do with you. Of course she's all bubbly, happy, and seemingly compatible all the time--that tends to happen when people have a relationship of that nature--temporary relationships and relationships built on all of the wrong things have seemingly glittery appearances--it's all cotton candy and rainbows because two people are living there lives independent of one another and just happen to be seeing each other--they aren't invested in one another like a married couple and thus have no real problems and see no need to bring any up or address anything important because the relationship isn't even really built on anything important. You understand a little better now? It has nothing to do with your lack of compatibility with him, hun. He'll try to play the victim and make it seem that way--like he just can't have fun with you or tell you certain things, but he's in the wrong. You don't solve marriage problems by running and taking refuge in someone else other than your spouse. He needs to grow up sometime soon...
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Old 05-28-2011, 03:57 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by 827Aug View Post
Amanda has to go... or you need to. You will never have trust as long as your husband stays in contact with her. It is up to your husband to EARN your trust; he's doing a pathetic job of that!
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Old 05-28-2011, 04:05 PM   #10 (permalink)
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You are focusing on the wrong part of your problem. Instead of being determined that he should not have this woman in his life, find a way to make him understand what he is doing by having her in his life.

The way he feels is he wants to keep her around.....as a friend (not). He also feels that because he insists this relationship with her is just a friendship, then he doesn't want you telling him what to do. He doesn't want you telling him he cannot have friends - not this one or any other one. To him, you should understand the relationship is innocent. He probably reached this conclusion by thinking any relationship is innocent as long as it doesn't involve sex. But that's not true. Other members have mentioned emotional affair (EA), and that is what your husband is doing, which is just as disloyal as being in a sexual/physical affair. The reason is that in an emotional affair, the disloyal gives time and attention that only you deserve and an emotional part of him that should be reserved only for his wife. No other woman should mean so much to him that he refuses to give her up (no matter the extent of their relationship) in favor of being loyal and devoted only to his wife and marriage.

It is cheating. It is infidelity even though he's not having sex with her. He meets her in secret without you knowing and without your approval. What do you think that is? What does HE think that is? And, he should not think it is okay or innocent to cause his wife emotional pain. How would he feel if you did the same thing? Suddenly, it's not so innocent anymore, is it?

The only thing is he doesn't see it that way, and you will never be able to convince him. He will only see you as nagging and jealous. It will only cause more arguments, as I'm sure it already has. You and your husband need marriage counseling but before that, you need to direct him to a website or two that define "emotional affair" for him so that he can see what he is doing to you and his marriage. He can see for himself (and so can you) that HE IS, in fact, having an affair.

The two of you need to talk about it and then enter into marriage counseling so you can try to iron out your differences. Arguing causes a lot of stress on the marriage and causes a lot of dissatisfaction to one spouse or both. The dissatisfied and unhappy partner(s) will naturally reach outside the marriage for consolation and what they don't get at home. Counseling will help you both learn to communicate better to reduce the arguments and teach you how to listen to each other. One thing you both need to be able to do is voice and understand between you what you each expect in and from the marriage. You also have to learn how to make each other's needs and desires important, rather than arguing and resisting having to bend and compromise.

Last edited by River1977; 05-28-2011 at 04:14 PM.
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