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I need insight on where i am

2K views 15 replies 14 participants last post by  ET1SSJonota 
#1 ·
Hello all, i will try to make this short as possible, and please don't comment with bad stuff, i know i am wrong so please dont judge me,

i was in love with a guy for 7 years, he was abusive to me, but i don't know how i loved him, i just did, and finally last year i broke up with him, but he kept going after me, threatening me to publish some videos he recorded it while we were having sex (which i didn't know of), after i broke up with him with 3 months i met a very amazing guy, he had everything i ever wanted in my next relationship, we had an amazing chemistry, he understood me he treated me well, he treated me like a princess, always attended to my needs, and accepted my past (i have family problems and an abusive parents as well), he took it all in and made me feel loved, cherished, he was the knight to me, he even helped me get my dream job, 2 months ago i was going out of my work and then my ex attacks me, i went to the hospital, it was an awful experience, but yet again i found the guy i am dating there standing next to me, taking care of me, he did all the work and got my ex to be thrown in jail, now the thing is, after that attack, i stopped feeling anything, and i found out that i never loved this guy, i just loved how he treated me, and how he took care of me, he is madly in love with me, but i don't find it in me to love him, i don't think i can find it in me to love anyone again, last week i told him that i wasn't attracted to him, and that i never loved him, and that i led him in this relationship because i wanted someone to be with me during hard times, no one ever stood by my side the way he did, i told him so many hurtful things over the phone, he told me that i broke his heart, and in my mind i don't think i am ready to date anyone right now, but at the same time i don't want to lose such a person, i also find the idea of him with another girl very irritating to me which is strange because i feel no attraction to him, please don't judge me, and put light on what should i do, i am lost, i would appreciate a female opinion more than a male's opinion, i know guys will say how cold hearted i am, but please if someone was through the same thing and can give me an advice, i would appreciate it.
thank you
 
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#2 ·
First off, I'm male.

I see nothing at all you should be judged on. If I was the second guy, though I might not want to hear that you have no attraction for me, I'd would in time appreciate your honesty.

If you are going to be judged, I'd judge you as a decent person who did the right thing and didn't just string some guy along and play with his feelings. If you don't feel attraction for somebody it's what it is and not something you have control over.

Your ex is toxic and it's a good idea you don't date anybody till you get yourself to a better place.
 
#3 ·
Male here as well. No judgement. You did nothing wrong. Your strength is inspiring.

I would suggest -- if you aren't already -- maybe finding a counselor to talk to. Your ex did a number on you physically and emotionally.
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#4 ·
When times are bad for me, I struggle to feel love. I get through bad times with the knowledge only that I love my DH. I don't think it is the best time to analyze what you feel for someone at those points where you have a black hole of stress/despair/anger or whatever it is sitting at the centre of your chest, sucking in everything positive so it feels like you can't feel anything good. It might be best for him at this point if you work through this without him as I don't think you've developed that core faith in how you feel about him to carry you through this bad patch. It may be you won't develop that solid foundation with him, or it may be that you just didn't have enough time to develop it before it was tested.
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#5 ·
I applaud your honesty with the new guy but you really shouldn't be in any relationship except with yourself. It seems you have self-esteem issues. Learn to be alone to find out about yourself. Fear of being alone is forcing you to seek out attention from the opposite sex. take your power back by following through with the charges against the x. Get into counseling with a counselor who has dealt with battered and abuse women.
 
#6 ·
If you are not ready for a relationship then don't push yourself, the right guy in a wrong timing will still be a mistake. That jerk of an ex did a number on you, and in an abusive relationship it's common to hear that the victim lose his/herself in that relationship, molded to be what the abuser wanted. Take it easy, one step after another. Find yourself again, and when you're ready with self esteem intact, you can start relationship again, pay attention to his behavior, if there is a major red flags or continual bad habits then run for the hill. You can learn from your bad experience

As for the new guy, honesty no matter how bad is always better than sweet lies. Telling him the truth will give him freedom of choice
 
#7 ·
Woman here, abusive relationship survivor too :) When I finally crawled away from that awful "relationship", my ex too hounded me constantly...trying to get me to reconcile.

I was frightened of him, my youngest brother moved in with me because I was too frightened to live alone. I was luckier than you in that he never attacked me and finally went away of his own accord, after my bestie's detective husband went to "have a chat" with him after work one day.

I deliberately stayed single for a few years after that...I had a lot of work to do to recover and I honestly believed that I would remain single for the rest of my life. I eventually reached the point where I was receptive to a relationship if it happened, but ok if it didn't - I was honestly in a happy place.

That's when I met my husband. I was very defensive at first, and hyper vigilant - if there were any signs of anything I was going to find it. Yes siree, I would find it and I would be outta there and blah blah blah. One night I actually asked him "What's wrong with you? What's the bombshell you're going to drop?" He asked what I meant and I replied "You're too good to be true", lol. Yes, I'm serious - I actually said that.

You know what? He wasn't too good to be true. He is everything I could possibly want in a life partner. It took a while for me to warm up to him because I was always on the defensive, looking for something, waiting for the other shoe to drop, waiting for the drama to start. When there wasn't any I didn't know what to do - it was all I was used to after my ex.

Luckily for me, my darling husband saw something in me that he loved and he was SO patient with me. He understood that there were things that I needed him to be sensitive to, and he always was. Still is if I need him to be.

I would encourage you not to make any hasty decisions right now. You're probably shell shocked and depressed. I think you should see a counsellor and a doctor, you may need some medication to help you through the worst of this horrific experience - I did, there's no shame in that.

I wish you all the best, and promise you that you will heal from this and go on and find happiness in your life. I truly wish that for you x
 
#8 ·
I'm female...absolutely no judgment. Release yourself of the guilt. You thought it was love. It wasn't. You were honest with him about it.

Now, work on healing yourself from that abusive relationship....counseling will help if you're not already in it.
 
#9 ·
Let the trauma of this attack pass. It very well may have numbed you out. Don't make fast moves here. Not to mention medications you might be taking through that trauma could have affected your emotions.
 
#11 ·
You did nothing wrong by saying what you were feeling, though it did sound pretty harsh, and whether the words were from deep down honest truth, or just spur of the moment passing emotions, you said them and they have an impact and consequences. You do not seem ready to be in a relationship, you recognize that in yourself, and this guy likely does as well. As much support and understanding as you deserve right now, he does too.
 
#13 ·
Sam is right....in essence you sent him away, you were honest and truthful, a bit harsh but it may have been what he needed to hear, so he can pursue someone else, someone who will love him for him...move on without him, please don't treat him like a yo-yo....if you want him back, you want him back for good, not so you can feel better about yourself.
 
#14 ·
"I never loved you" "am not attracted to you" would say to me.

Its not just over...it never was. I needed you for the moment and now I'm through with you, get away from me I don't want you!

That would be impossible for me to recover from.

Glad you were honest with him so y'all both do not waste years together before you decide you want out due to not being content or feeling like you settled. Better for him to hear it now that 10-20 yrs down the road with children and home involved.
 
#15 · (Edited)
My wife is a CSA victim and had a volitale childhood with her brothers and mother. I would have shot her dad if he had not have killed his self when she was a teen.

Her first husband was a serial cheater. We married after she was divorced and I spent ALOT of years dealing with residual crap because of her ex. I would still like to beat his ass for good measure. 15 yrs of her suspicions and innuendos of me wanting another woman.

She finally saw the light and now says until me she has never known what love is and what a true Godly marriage should be.

I took a lot of verbal abuse till she had it out of her system. But if she had of told me she never loved me or ESS not attracted to me, I would not have been able to recover.
 
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