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Online gaming issue

1K views 8 replies 6 participants last post by  cons 
#1 ·
I didn't want to threadjack the facebook use thread, although this situation has some similarities. I am actually in the process of framing a discussion to have with my husband.

While he was in between jobs (having a lot of down time) he's been playing an online game. His computer time has increased a lot, he's spent extra money on the game (probably hoping that I wasn't aware, but that's just speculation), he's even set an alarm at night to wake up 2-4 hours after we go to sleep to tend to the game.

My situation differs in that I do still get a significant amount of my husband's undivided attention and our intimacy has not been adversely affected. But left unchecked (or if I don't advocate for myself) I fear I may be where the gentleman is whose wife is on FB a lot.

While I understand the enjoyment of that activity, and do not want to say "all or nothing", I want to come to a mutual agreement that we are both happy with.

I was thinking of bringing up the following points:
- I do not want to take away the game entirely. What can we do to make this enjoyable for both of us?
- Play the game together as a team?
- If this is your way to decompress alone, can we at least establish some parameters (frequency and duration of play)?
- I am aware of the extra money spent. I would like transparency with regard to the purchases (please tell me directly...having me "discover" these expenditures feels less than honest).
-we usually have a designated "non-technology day" for the kids on the weekend...how do we fit this game in to that paradigm?

I'm looking for some objective feedback so the I advocate fro what I need but don't over-manage it to the point of coming across as his mother.
 
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#2 ·
I don't personnally think that the way you plan to frame it to be a bad thing. Just be honest about how you feel without getting dramatic about it. I, for one, appreciate a simple level headed conversation about the topic at hand. They way you have stated it in your thread would work great with me.

My cause for concern is that he spends real $ on the game and wakes in the middle of the night to tend to it. I realize that it has not taken away from your quality time, but spending money on a game is a lot like gambling. You never get it back. The obsession with playing at all hours will start to consume him too. Those games have a way of sucking you in more and more.

Your discussion with him may be a wake up call that the game is starting to creep a little bit to much into his life.
 
#3 ·
I was following your thread wiretired and it eerily projects my potential reality...

Last night, my husband was explaining how he has invited some fledgling players into his group. How he enjoys this community that he is helping to build...

He had this excitement about him...

I had a difficult time seeing it from his perspective...I kept thinking that this is just virtual...this is only a game...yes there are real people on the other end of their computers...but they are not real within the context of the game...

I joking talked about being brainwashed (which was a disrespectful judgement and not productive on my part).

Thanks for starting your thread...it has really pushed me to reflect and assess my own situation.
 
#5 ·
Good evening everybody

My houseguest aka my wife has a problem with online gaming, she simply plays the game most days almost everyday. She exhibits behaviour that is bordering on psychotic, she argues all the time and is violent towards me. People including the vicar have told her she has an addictive personality. I have read the post any more information or comments please.
 
#6 ·
If he's setting his alarm to get up at all hours to tend to the game, he's playing a persistent game. These games never stop (24/7/365) Typically these are war games where whatever you have built is at risk of attack from other groups of players (clans). Ideally you gather players from around the world into your clan so that you have players always online. That also means coordinating attacks and defense with players all around the world. If your husband is leading a clan that means he'll have more responsibilities. The games typically advertise as "free to play" but to be competitive you have to spend money or be crushed by the players who are.
The point being that you can't have a "normal life" and play a persistent game. I think you can work gaming into your life but it has to be a game that stops when you do. I hope he can see the danger ahead and get off the tracks now.
 
#7 ·
I didn't want to threadjack the facebook use thread, although this situation has some similarities. I am actually in the process of framing a discussion to have with my husband.

While he was in between jobs (having a lot of down time) he's been playing an online game. His computer time has increased a lot, he's spent extra money on the game (probably hoping that I wasn't aware, but that's just speculation), he's even set an alarm at night to wake up 2-4 hours after we go to sleep to tend to the game.

My situation differs in that I do still get a significant amount of my husband's undivided attention and our intimacy has not been adversely affected. But left unchecked (or if I don't advocate for myself) I fear I may be where the gentleman is whose wife is on FB a lot.

While I understand the enjoyment of that activity, and do not want to say "all or nothing", I want to come to a mutual agreement that we are both happy with.

I was thinking of bringing up the following points:
- I do not want to take away the game entirely. What can we do to make this enjoyable for both of us?
- Play the game together as a team?
- If this is your way to decompress alone, can we at least establish some parameters (frequency and duration of play)?
- I am aware of the extra money spent. I would like transparency with regard to the purchases (please tell me directly...having me "discover" these expenditures feels less than honest).
-we usually have a designated "non-technology day" for the kids on the weekend...how do we fit this game in to that paradigm?

I'm looking for some objective feedback so the I advocate fro what I need but don't over-manage it to the point of coming across as his mother.
Let me guess...

World of Warcraft, right? I'm guessing that he's waking up every few hours to tend to his garrison, send followers out on missions, etc.
 
#8 ·
Online gaming is like everything, you have to do it in moderation. However, there are red flags that let you know when you're overdoing it.

Setting an alarm to do something in the middle of the night is one of them. Once in a blue moon when something special is occurring? Sure. On a regular basis? His sleep is going to suffer and that's a problem.

Spending additional money on the game? If it fits into the family entertainment budget, sure. If he's hiding his expenditures and they are getting excessive? Problem.

He's putting all his spare time into this game while he's on a break between work contracts of some sort? Does this happen a lot? How well is he able to stop playing the game when work picks up again? Is he delaying new employment to keep having enough spare time to play the game? Problem.

He recognizes that a non-technology day is good for the kids? Good, and yes, that rule should apply to him as well. Otherwise he's being a hypocrite and the kids won't understand why the rule is important. Problem.
 
#9 ·
Hi All-

I brought my perspective to my husband on Friday. He was open to my feedback and so we discuss how it could be possible to continue to play the game but with moderation.

There is no reason he has to set an alarm. The game allows you to play at much slower pace and our life does not allow for the game to have that much attention.

I understand sometimes things can move ahead faster in the game if you purchase things. But rationalizing that it's merely " a cup of coffee" is not a good step. Because, it can get bigger.

We continued to discuss it over the course of the weekend. I am fortunate to have a husband who will listen to my concerns. We had an awesome weekend getting stuff done around the house/yard and getting together with family and friends.

He starts his new job tomorrow, so paring back the gaming effort was going to happen regardless.

Even so, we will continue to talk about this so that we don't become unconscious and fall into unhealthy habits.

Thank you all for listening to me process this and for your support and feedback.
 
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