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I just don't even know where to begin...

1K views 7 replies 7 participants last post by  happy as a clam 
#1 ·
I'm on my second marriage. My first marriage was riddled with physical and emotional abuse and his multiple affairs...

I remarried. I thought it was so good. I sincerely thought he'd passed any test I could come up with...he was generous, kind, supportive, sex was fantastic...we loved being together. We were together a couple of years before we married...including almost a year of living together. I guess it was too fast.

I have kids. We don't have kids together. They live here.

He has also been physically abusive to me.

He hasn't hit me in a long time...but he just mostly ignores me no matter what I do now.

I'm afraid of him...but I still wish we could make it work. I don't want to be divorced twice. I love him. Maybe I shouldn't, but I do. On the rare occasion that he does show me favor and affection...it fills me up so much. I don't need much to feel happy. I would do almost anything for him. But I have a very hard time sacrificing all of my self-respect for him...he thinks I'm a nag, a shrew, a *****.

This is going to sound so rude and so haughty...but my IQ is a lot higher than his. But we always found common ground before we married...we were extremely content. He seemed to admire my intelligence, and I certainly admired his many practical skills. IQ is not the only measure of intelligence, and he has many gifts! And he's not stupid at all! My IQ is just very high. I really sound like a jerk there...I really do. I know I do.

But it makes him FURIOUS that I'm more intelligent now, so that is why I mention it. He tells me that he is used to being the smart one in his family, and I make him feel stupid.

I have tried everything I know to make him feel good about himself. I praise him for his talents and his special abilities. There are many things he is brilliant at...where I'm an idiot.

But I just cannot make myself pretend to be a drooling moron to appease him. I have had a hard life...one thing I do actually like about myself is my intellect. I cannot sacrifice that for him.

So...he mostly ignores me now. But if I go out anywhere without him (literally if I go to the thrift store or my sister's house or whatever), he goes insane. When I have gotten home, he has left me (temporarily), burnt me with a cigarette, screamed, hit me, etc.

Why does he want me here if he is only going to ignore me?

Now recently I've had an unsettling experience. I am a faithful woman, but I have felt attracted to someone else. I am straight. I have never been with a woman. But this person is a woman, and I feel very drawn to her.

I am NOT going to act on this. I will not put myself in a position to even be tempted to do so. But...what is wrong with me? I'm not gay or bisexual. What is this?

I know what it feels like to be cheated on. Over my dead body will I ever do that to another person, whether they'd been good to me or not. I will NOT act on these feelings...but it sincerely bothers me to even feel it.

We both work full time. He also goes to school full time. I just finished one degree and am going back in the Fall to complete my next. We bring in almost the same amount of income...he makes a few hundred more than me. He won't help me with household chores at all...now, he goes to school and works...so I would not think it was fair for him to do 50% of the housework and childcare. He has a lot on his plate. But can't he do some of it? Like...any of it?

It was much easier to be a single mom...

I just feel like I'm so bad at relationships even though I honestly have the best of intentions...it's heartbreaking.

ETA: Sex is still great when we have it. But we rarely have it. He completely ignores me except when he wants sex once a week or so...it's very hard for me to want to sex with him if I feel resentful...but I don't like to withhold either because #1 I feel like a jerk and #2 I have a high sex drive...
 
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#4 ·
Hello Richard,

Please read the article that I posted to above. If you are interested do more google searches on "oxytocin and abuse".

There is a lot of research going on as to what the connection is. She stays because her body is overproducing oxytocin in response to the abuse... just as it would if they were having wild passionate sex every day... thus bonding her to him and making her feel this rather over the top level of love for her abuser.
 
#3 ·
What are your degrees in?

You are in a horrible marriage but you refuse to do anything about it.

Why does he want you around? Because he's an abusive man. Abuse is all about control... he needs to have control over you to feel good about himself and his life. He will need to do this until he has completely destroyed your self respect.

The biological explanation of why you still love him is all about oxytocin. Basically the abuse is trauma. Your body produces oxytocin in response to the trauma to protect you, to help you forget the physical and emotional pain. The bad thing is that oxytocin is also the brain chemical that makes us feel in-love.

Link Between Love Oxytocin and Mental Health Issues | Energetics Institute

You need to get into counseling at an organization that helps victims of abuse. And you need to leave him. He is an dangerous man.
 
#5 ·
It sounds like you made a mistake again in who you married. The physical abuse has to be stopped and stopped now 100% to have a healthy marriage.

Beyond that you both need counseling apart and together if you want a healthy marriage.

What glares to me is that you picked a bad guy again, one you don't have respect for and one who doesn't have respect for you. This likely can't be fixed. If you do divorce you still need counseling to find out why you're picking these type of men
 
#6 ·
It sounds like you made a mistake again in who you married. The physical abuse has to be stopped and stopped now 100% to have a healthy marriage.

Beyond that you both need counseling apart and together if you want a healthy marriage.

What glares to me is that you picked a bad guy again, one you don't have respect for and one who doesn't have respect for you. This likely can't be fixed. If you do divorce you still need counseling to find out why you're picking these type of men
I don't normally comment in these threads, but when I read the bold font, I started nodding my head. You have to figure out and correct what is going on with you because you will continue to pick these men. It is what abuse victims do and likely has to do with the oxytocin Ele mentioned, but can probably be averted with education and logic. A good counselor would be able to help you. And, I'm not saying there is something wrong with you. This is normal behavior for a victim.
 
#7 ·
As I read your post - my heart broke. Please leave, don't stay because he loves you. It's not because he loves you that he hits you, burns you and yells at you. He's a bully, a control freak. He's doing it to build himself up and to break you down.

My father beat my mother numerous times - and she didn't leave. It took her years to see that her love was not enough, that she was sacrificing herself for him.
She finally saw what it was doing to my brother and me, she finally got out.

Think of yourself and your children - you all deserve better. Love yourself more than you love him.
 
#8 ·
For all your intelligence and high IQ, you are not demonstrating it at all when it comes to this relationship.

Intellectually, you must know what you need to do. But you are following your heart and not your head.

You are married to an abusive tyrant who hits you, burns you and yells at you. You haven't said anything about your children, but imagine how horrible this must be for them.

Please contact a women's shelter and get professional help extricating yourself from this terrible situation.

This is your second physically abusive marriage. You need counseling to figure out why you keep picking the same kind of men who debase you. And your kids need counseling to help protect them from this mess, since you keep subjecting them to your terribly harmful relationships.
 
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