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Some thoughts about my girlfriend's sexual past

4K views 28 replies 16 participants last post by  Pauloroberts 
#1 ·
My girlfriend and I were watching some romantic comedy the other day (not my idea, trust me), and the topic of sexual history came up. So we ended up talking about it, and it turns out that she's got quite a past.

She's 27 and here is just some of what she told me...

Her first time was when she was 17
When I asked her how many men she's had sex with she couldn't tell me but when I asked if it was over 20 (jokingly) she said oh yes, way more
Her first time doing anal was when she was 18
She has had a threesome on 3 occasions
She has kissed girls in clubs many times
She was a member of fetlife for a couple of years
She mentioned something about doing porn

Those are the highlights but she mentioned quite a lot of other occasions and people.

This is not OK. I've been with her for 3 years and I had no idea about any of this. I always had a feeling about her but I really didn't think it was like this. This is a huge shock to me and what bothers me is that I've invested 3 years of my life with someone whose values and mine most certainly do not gel.

I don't really want to break up with her, but at the same time I can't imagine staying with her and being OK with this. It's going to nag away at me, I know it. I'm a firm believer that her sexual history has a lot to do with the ability to pair bond (or should I say, the inability), and I have seen enough evidence of this with my friends and their girlfriends to confirm it.

I hate to think about it as 3 years is a long time, but I guess I probably will be finishing with her, at least that's how I'm feeling right now. But I just want to get people's opinions, for what it's worth.
 
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#8 ·
According to who?? You??

For her sake, I hope you dump her, it will be the best day of her life.
Well, yes, to him. And he has every right to determine what is, and what is not OK for him.

That said, I am with Holland's first response. I think paragraph form, better fleshed out would have been more effective than bullet point style. 2/10.
 
#12 ·
So just to be contrarian for a moment....3 yrs is a long time. What are the qualities that have kept you around that long. I find it a little odd that you had no clue as to her past till this point. Is it that her behavior over the past three years has given you no reason to think she has had an "adventurous" past? If so, does that tell you that she's really into you and has put aside the fun and games to be with you? Is her past a statement of her character then or her character now? Are your feelings about her past just about her character of is it also about any insecurities you might have?
 
#19 ·
OP, you say her past would affect her ability to bond. Have you seen any clear sign of this versus other women you've dated for a long period of time? If not, then that issue is moot, without necessarily saying anything about your feelings about her past experiences.
 
#26 ·
So, a colorful sexual history is a deal-breaker for you. Just not enough of one that you're upfront about it with the women you date?

Look, if you aren't interested in relationships with women with a certain "number" or who've engaged in certain activities, that's perfectly fine. You are 100% entitled to set your own boundaries about what does and does not work for you in a partner. However, this is something you need to be honest about from the beginning of any relationship. If you need the answers to questions of number or types of acts, then you should ask them before you become sexually involved with a woman. If it's a deal-breaker for you, ask and talk about it early on in the relationship. If you're not, then you're wasting your time and hers by not being honest about your boundaries. Which is exactly how you wound up spending 3 years with a woman you can't accept.
 
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