Need help! Extremely jealous and angry wife.
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Old 05-29-2011, 10:59 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Need help! Extremely jealous and angry wife.

When me and my wife first began dating it was a long distance relationship as I was in the military and over 8 hours away. We talked on the phone almost every night that we could. I got to see her when I came home but we spent much more time away than in person. We dated for two years until I was no longer serving and then we got married. I remember having quite a few conversations where she explained her fear of me being unfaithful. I simple reassured her that I loved her and would do nothing to hurt her. Now we have been married for little more than a year and almost from day one she has shown great jealousy and acted depressed. I feel like I am walking on eggshells around her. It has been a constant fight and now I am at the breaking point. I love her with all my heart and would do anything to prevent from separating. I have tried explaining to her that she has nothing to worry about but it just doesn't seem to work. When we run together if another woman passes us she accuses me of checking her out. I practically stare at the ground to try and prevent this but somehow she still accuses me. If I rent a movie and there would be a nude scene she accuses me of wanting to watch it, regardless of rather I have seen it before or not. I have never been unfaithful to her so i can not understand why should not trust me. While we were dating she discovered by going through my email that I was looking at porn.I first lied and simple told her it was spam cause I was embarrassed. I later confessed and explained to her that it was only because I was so far away and we was not married. I feel like I did nothing wrong and was not being unfaithful. Our relationship almost ended then except I promised never to look at it again and I have kept my word. This is one of her favorite things to bring up cause I first lied about it. I spend plenty of time with her as I am not very social with people. I do try to be friendly when I talk to someone and if that person happens to be a female then its her accusing me of flirting. She even does it when I am talking to her own family. I have asked others if it appears that I am flirting with anyone and no one else thinks so. Other than being extremely jealous she is often angry or depressed. I make jokes with her and just show how much I love her but somehow I say or do something wrong and then its an argument. I simple do not know what I am doing wrong. I have tried many times to talk to her and she blames me saying I flirt to much and don't know the right things to say to her. It is gotten to the point I don't want to get near her anymore which has only made things worse. When she does calm down then we are so happy together but those times are few and far between. Is this normal in a new marriage and if not how I can help her to relax, trust me and just be happy.
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Old 05-29-2011, 11:36 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Need help! Extremely jealous and angry wife.

Mozart, it is not normal. Jealousy is so hard to deal with. Your wife may need some professional counseling.

If you are faithful to her then stand your ground. Don't give in to her demands. You have assured her that you love her. Now you need to be the strong one in the relationship. Don't keep trying to apologize because you have done nothing wrong.

You don't need to shout at her. Just keep a strong, firm voice and be the there for her.

I know she seems very unhappy, but it isn't you that is causing it.

She will need to face the fact that it is her insecurity that is causing the problem. She may of had a bad experience in a previous relationship, or even problems from her childhood and teen years that is causing the insecurity and lack of self confidence.
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Old 05-30-2011, 12:47 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Need help! Extremely jealous and angry wife.

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Mozart, it is not normal. Jealousy is so hard to deal with. Your wife may need some professional counseling.

If you are faithful to her then stand your ground. Don't give in to her demands. You have assured her that you love her. Now you need to be the strong one in the relationship. Don't keep trying to apologize because you have done nothing wrong.

You don't need to shout at her. Just keep a strong, firm voice and be the there for her.

I know she seems very unhappy, but it isn't you that is causing it.

She will need to face the fact that it is her insecurity that is causing the problem. She may of had a bad experience in a previous relationship, or even problems from her childhood and teen years that is causing the insecurity and lack of self confidence.
Reuben,

Very good advice.

Mozart,

Don't apologize if you haven't done anything wrong.

Let her know that YOU ARE THE MAN.

But you can tell her that she has insecurity issues she has to work on. ( I guess she will take it as a big shot and become angry. you will be able to tell she is a smart woman or not. A smart wife will listen to her husband's advice and examine herself. A silly wife will take it as a shot and become hysterical.)

If she doesn't learn and grow up, if she doesn't learn to solve her insecurity problem, she is making her husband's life like a hell, she is going to lose what she has.

Buddhism has a lot of teaching about dealing with insecurities. Reading these books everyday can help us a lot!

A lot of people let their personalities run their life, little do they that they themselves are causing their misery!
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Old 05-30-2011, 09:58 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Need help! Extremely jealous and angry wife.

What do you get when irrational emotions collide with infallible logic? A miserable marriage.

Jealousy is a cancer in marriage, but like all untreated cancers can and will lead to the death of the marriage.

Brother I feel for you. I've been living with a jealous STBXW for years and we have a two year old. We have gone to marriage counseling, retreats, vacations and for a brief moment these helped only to have the green jealous monster come back to feed again.

I've been accused of cheating countless times including with her sister(who was dating my brother at the time).

Jealousy is an insidious destroyer of relationships/marriages and will turn your love into hate. Unfortunately from your post you are well on your way. Let me give you my own personal timeline:

Year 1: We become a couple, develop feelings for each other and have amazing sex. She is definitely my type so I discount a few red flags.

Year 2: Our relantionship has matured a bit and we start to take vacations together and she basically lives with me. She starts to exhibit jealous tendancies even going to far as to start arguments because I spend too much time with my brother (1 hour at gym) or when my mom comes to visit from out of town. Again I just deal with it because I love her and make up sex is amazing.

Year 3: Her sister and my brother are having relantionship problems and her sister asked me for advice. I recommended that she talk to my brother and work it out since its none of my business. My then GF finds our that I briefly talked to her and starts getting real jealous to the point that if her sister is within 20 feet from me she gives me the dreaded "Evil Eyes". She is also jealous of me posting on facebook or playing online games because according to her may lead to cheating. During this year her sister and my brother break up because she was banging some other guy. She marries OM shortly thereafter since she got knocked up.

Year 4: Our son is born. we marry and her jealousy turns into anger. Her constant mood swings and abusive behavior have turned our frequent and pleasureable sex life into a chore. She starts using sex as a carrot for me which starts to breed resentment in me.

Year 5: She continues to be abusive but now she keeps complaining about her life and how she wishes she never had a kid with me. The most vile, repulsive languange comes out of her mouth at least once a week. I no longer love her and move out after an altercation where she jumped on my back because I refused to explain every minute detail of my whearabouts that day. I'm an adult and I should not have to tell my wife every single stop I make during the day ie car wash, coffee, Lowes, etc.

Current Day: My STBXW still wants to reconcile but even though we share a child I have no desire to live with her. Her insecurities, jealousy and rage have destroyed our friendship, love and marriage. She has made so many promises to me just to break them a week later. Heck i'm getting knots in my stomach just thinking about it right now.

I'm not telling you to leave her but please do not have children with her until this is resolved because IT WILL complicate things and you will have to deal with for a long time. Kids DO NOT FIX a bad marriage. They are a blessing but it will push your bad marriage over the edge.

Jealousy and insecure people are living in their own nightmare and their only temporary relief is you. Unfortunately you start to lose yourself and question your own mental sanity. It took me years to figure this out and claw my way out. Last night she called me and said that I sounded great and "refreshed" on the phone. My first thought is that she wanted to "feed" on me again. No more.

Ultimately she has the problem and she has to get help. Establish boundries and if the problems continue establish an exit plan. Get help from friends and family and do not be afrain to ask questions. Do not feel ashamed of letting yourself be treated like a doormat. I honestly loved my wife and as good men all we want is to love our women, protect them and give them our lives if need be. Some people take advantage of this.

Good luck brother. May you find peace in your marriage that I never found.
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Old 05-30-2011, 10:16 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Need help! Extremely jealous and angry wife.

Thank you for your great advice. It is sad for me to say though I have stood my ground many times with it only making her more angry. I have told her that her lack of trust in me as well as other things are adding much unneeded stress. If she did not quit this then our marriage could not last. Though at first she did seem to stop it was only a band aid as she now simple ignores these threats. When I try to talk to her about our situation it becomes an argument to which she pushes the blame onto me. I understand that I am not perfect in our marriage but I would never be unfaithful. She seems if she truly believes that I do these acts like flirting or even checking women out. I tell her she has nothing to worry about and her reply is "I understand you have a need to see other women." How can she simple not listen to me? I am a firm believer that the root of this comes from her insecurity. Its rare a time when she is getting ready that she does not bring herself literally to tears. I try to comfort her and remind her how beautiful she is but it is to no success. Me and my wife run at least thirty minutes a day and there's never been a time in her life when she was over weight.

I understand there is simple no magical fix to this. The only solution is to continue to stand my ground and reassure her of my commitment and love for her. It is just hard as I am so very tired of the arguments and fear that I may be losing interest in keeping this battle up.
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Old 05-30-2011, 10:56 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Need help! Extremely jealous and angry wife.

Thank you Sanity for taking the time to reply. It is very good to see I am not alone in experiencing this. Reading what you have went through sounds identical to my own situation. It is unfortunate you was unable to help your marriage. However it takes two and sounds like she wasn't very willing to change. I hope my wife learns to relax and understand what she is doing is destroying the happiness in our relationship. In marriage I believe we are always growing, rather it be together or apart. I just wonder how much patients I have to last and how long should I even try. When can I know that she will not change.
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Old 05-30-2011, 10:59 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Need help! Extremely jealous and angry wife.

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Originally Posted by mozart View Post
Thank you for your great advice. It is sad for me to say though I have stood my ground many times with it only making her more angry. I have told her that her lack of trust in me as well as other things are adding much unneeded stress. If she did not quit this then our marriage could not last. Though at first she did seem to stop it was only a band aid as she now simple ignores these threats. When I try to talk to her about our situation it becomes an argument to which she pushes the blame onto me. I understand that I am not perfect in our marriage but I would never be unfaithful. She seems if she truly believes that I do these acts like flirting or even checking women out. I tell her she has nothing to worry about and her reply is "I understand you have a need to see other women." How can she simple not listen to me? I am a firm believer that the root of this comes from her insecurity. Its rare a time when she is getting ready that she does not bring herself literally to tears. I try to comfort her and remind her how beautiful she is but it is to no success. Me and my wife run at least thirty minutes a day and there's never been a time in her life when she was over weight.

I understand there is simple no magical fix to this. The only solution is to continue to stand my ground and reassure her of my commitment and love for her. It is just hard as I am so very tired of the arguments and fear that I may be losing interest in keeping this battle up.
Looks like she uses emotional reasoning where what she feels must be true regardless of evidence to the contrary.

The only solution is NOT to continue to stand your ground and reassure her. This only further reinforces her emotional reasoning at your expense. I'm not saying you stop telling her you love her everyday but you should have have to tell her "I love you" 1000 times every day. Tomorrow you will have to say "I love you" 1100 times.

The only solution IF you want peace in your marriage is to set boundaries and discuss marriage counseling options with your wife. If she does not follow through then it may be time to end it. I wish you both luck and hope it works out. I do not want to see another couple divorce but I hate seeing good men and women piss their life away on people who do not value them.

Let me ask you a few questions that may help you decide:

1. Are you getting headaches more often?
2. Do you have heart palpitations or your stomach churns when you get phones call from her?
3. Are you afraid of being "yourself" around her?
4. Do you find yourself quickly changing the channel if an attractive woman comes on the TV or nudity?
5. Have you stopped spending time with friends or family?
6. Have you deep down looked at other happy couples and wished that for yourself?

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Old 05-30-2011, 11:02 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Need help! Extremely jealous and angry wife.

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Originally Posted by mozart View Post
Thank you Sanity for taking the time to reply. It is very good to see I am not alone in experiencing this. Reading what you have went through sounds identical to my own situation. It is unfortunate you was unable to help your marriage. However it takes two and sounds like she wasn't very willing to change. I hope my wife learns to relax and understand what she is doing is destroying the happiness in our relationship. In marriage I believe we are always growing, rather it be together or apart. I just wonder how much patients I have to last and how long should I even try. When can I know that she will not change.
Anytime brother. I WANT you guys to work it out but yes both have to row this boat or you are just going in circles. I just hope my experience helps somebody.

Many women think that men are just walking erections but the fact is alot of men want to love their wives and get some loving back. We also want to live in peace with our wifes most of the time.
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Old 05-30-2011, 06:59 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Need help! Extremely jealous and angry wife.

Mozart, welcome to the TAM forum. I'm sorry to hear about the discord in your marriage. The behavior you are describing -- inappropriate anger, extreme jealousy, depression, anxiety, and inability to trust -- are classic traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). I'm not suggesting that your W has full-blown BPD -- only a professional can determine whether her BPD traits are so severe as to meet the diagnostic criteria. Instead, I am suggesting your W may have mild to strong BPD traits. Even when the traits fall well short of the diagnostic criteria, they can make your marriage miserable.

It is easy to spot strong occurrences of these traits -- i.e., the red flags -- in a woman you've been in a LTR with for three years. There is nothing subtle about traits such as jealousy, verbal abuse, controlling behavior, and constant blaming. I therefore will discuss a few of the traits. If this discussion rings a bell, you may want to read more about them so you know the warning signs. I therefore provide links to resources at the end.
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I remember having quite a few conversations where she explained her fear of me being unfaithful. I simple reassured her that I loved her and would do nothing to hurt her. Now we have been married for little more than a year and almost from day one she has shown great jealousy...
BPDers (i.e., those with strong BPD traits) are extremely jealous because they have a great fear of abandonment. During the honeymoon period, this fear is suspended because the BPDer is infatuated with you, making her feel like you are the perfect man. Normally, the abandonment fear would rear its ugly head within 6 months because that typically is the longest infatuation will last when you are seeing each other frequently. Yet, because you had a LDR, the infatuation may have lasted throughout the first year.

In any event, the fear apparently returned early in the second year because you observe that she was already expressing fear of your being unfaithful. If your W is a BPDer, there is absolute nothing you can do to reduce that irrational abandonment fear. A BPDer has carried that fear inside her since age 3 or 4 (when it was created). You can keep reassuring her but the fear is like a bottomless pit of need.
Quote:
I feel like I am walking on eggshells around her.
That's why the best selling BPD book (targeted to spouses like you) is called Stop Walking on Eggshells. A BPDer carries enormous anger inside from early childhood. Because the anger is already there and is just below the surface, you do not have to do anything "to make her angry." She is already angry. Hence, to release that anger, all you have to do is say or do something that triggers her abandonment fear. And you never know just what phrase, expression, or action will be the trigger.

With my exW, for example, my looking at another woman for one-half second, instead of one-third second, would do it. Another trigger would be my walking on the sidewalk one or two steps ahead of her, which she interpreted to mean I did not want to be seen with her. And, of course, to test my love, she would often slow down to increase our spacing so she could see how quickly I would slow down. With a jealous woman, you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of frequent testing of that ridiculous nature.
Quote:
[Since day one of the marriage] she acted depressed.... she is often angry or depressed.
As I noted above, all BPDers carry enormous anger inside from childhood. They also suffer from depression and anxiety. Because they have very low self esteem and hate themselves, they typically are unhappy. And, because they feel entitled to things (just as a child feels entitled), they fully expect the H to make them happy. Of course, that is an impossible task. So, as the years of the marriage go by, a BPDer grows increasingly resentful of her H's inability to make her happy or fix her. At the same time, she grows increasingly fearful of abandonment as she sees her body age. This is why the BPDer typically ends the marriage -- after about 12-15 years -- by walking out. My exW left me at 15 years.
Quote:
It has been a constant fight and now I am at the breaking point. I love her with all my heart and would do anything to prevent from separating.
If your W has strong BPD traits, there is absolutely nothing you can do to help her. Even a roomful of psychologists cannot help her unless she wants to work hard on changing herself. Sadly, it is rare for a BPDer to be sufficiently self aware and to have the ego strength to be willing to do that.
Quote:
If another woman passes us she accuses me of checking her out. I practically stare at the ground to try and prevent this but somehow she still accuses me.
You are being a doormat, as I was for 15 years. But it is a lot kinder to say you are "walking on eggshells." That's why the best selling BPD book was not called "Stop Being a Doormat." Anyway, you've now spent about two years not being yourself. To be acceptable to your W, you've done a thousand small things (e.g., looking at the ground, avoiding movies with nude scenes) to avoid triggering her temper tantrums. If you keep this up for another two years, you won't even remember the "old Mozart" -- the man you used to be. The bottom line, Mozart, is that a BPDer is extremely controlling of her loved ones to prevent abandonment. So you are being controlled and bullied.
Quote:
I have never been unfaithful to her so i can not understand why should not trust me.
A BPDer is incapable of trusting you. Her ability to trust was destroyed (or failed to develop) by the time she was four years old.
Quote:
While we were dating she discovered by going through my email that I was looking at porn.I first lied and simple told her it was spam cause I was embarrassed.
Nearly every partner of a BPDer will lie at some point to avoid her throwing a temper tantrum over nothing. Of course, this is the worst thing you can do to a woman unable to trust. But there you will be -- half way through a $5,000 vacation where the hotel is $250/night -- and you know the vacation will be totally gutted if you are fool enough to admit having glanced at a passing woman. So you will lie. If you choose to live with a jealous woman, this will be your life: occasional lies, no adult-rated movies, and lots of looking at the ground.
Quote:
[My looking at porn] is one of her favorite things to bring up cause I first lied about it.
If she is a BPDer, you are going to hear about it nearly every time she throws a hissy fit or temper tantrum. Because a BPDer is unable to regulate her emotions, she experiences such intense feelings that she is convinced they MUST be true. For a BPDer, feelings constitute facts. Hence, to justify her intense feeling of being rejected and abandoned by you, she will reach as far into the past as necessary to justify her current feeling (what else can she point to?). This is why a BPDer never forgets any mistake you've made, particularly a LIE.

It may give you some small comfort to know that it doesn't really matter much that she can point to that lie. In the 15 years I was with my exW, I never lied to her once. She nonetheless was so convinced -- about twice a month -- that I was lying that she would create the most convoluted, preposterous argument out of thin air. My point, then, is that the absence of your lie likely would not have slowed your W's jealousy down by much, if anything at all.
Quote:
She even does it when I am talking to her own family.
It is a lot easier for a BPDer to control you if she isolates you from all family members and friends -- usually claiming that they don't treat her well as an excuse for not visiting them. The last thing she wants is for you to get support from someone saying "That's the most ridiculous excuse I've ever heard in my life."
Quote:
I make jokes with her and just show how much I love her but somehow I say or do something wrong and then its an argument.
With a BPDer, every joke -- no matter how well received -- is a time bomb that may go off when you repeat that same joke. My exW, for example, once observed that she could tell a joke to her two BPDer sisters 9 times and they would laugh out loud. On the tenth time, she said, they might get so angry that they would not speak to her for a month. And, of course, my exW was the same way. With a BPDer, you never know what joke or comment is going to set her off because she is emotionally unstable.
Quote:
I simply do not know what I am doing wrong. I have tried many times to talk to her and she blames me saying I flirt to much and don't know the right things to say to her.
If your W has strong BPD traits, it doesn't matter what you are doing -- you will be blamed for every misfortune and for all of her own mistakes. Because she has self loathing and a weak sense of who she is, she likely is unwilling to tolerate the deep shame of acknowledging a mistake or a flaw. The last thing a BPDer wants to see is one more item to add to the long list of things she hates about herself. This is why a BPDer always thinks of herself as "a victim." She refuses to take responsibility for the consequences of her own actions. And, to maintain that illusion, she needs "a perpetrator" (i.e., YOU) around all the time to blame all misfortunes on.
Quote:
When she does calm down then we are so happy together but those times are few and far between.
Because a BPDer's emotional development was frozen at about age four, she never learned how to do "self soothing" very well to calm herself down. Hence, if you are married to a BPDer, your other role -- in addition to being "the perpetrator" -- is to be the "soothing object." That is why you spend such enormous energy and time trying to sooth your W. The irony is that, by being a constant trigger of her abandonment fear, you likely are agitating her much more than you are calming her. You also are a trigger for her other great fear: engulfment, which I discuss at the link shown below.

Mozart, if this discussion of BPD traits sounds familiar, you may want to read more about them. If so, I suggest you check out my discussion of BPDer behavior in GTRR's thread. My four posts there start at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/anxiety...tml#post188319. The second and third posts provide links to excellent articles written by professionals. If you have questions, Mozart, I would be glad to try to answer them or point you to a resource that does. Take care.
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Old 05-30-2011, 07:30 PM   #10 (permalink)
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UPtown,

A very detailed post.

It helped me understand BPD a lot.

Actually a lot about my past!

I was a jealous woman, and very insecure. Caused by my upbringing and childhood.

I hated myself for a lot of things.

After I met my wonderful husband, he pointed out that I had a lot of issues I had to work on. I also realized that my unhappiness had nothing to do with my husband, he is a wonderful man.

That's why I sink into religion, first Christianity, then Buddhism, now I just read whatever I can find about how to live a happy life.

It is possible for a person to change, but this person has to realize she has to change. After I started changing myself, I had one after another personality problems that I had to change. It is very humiliating sometimes, but the result is very rewarding.

I don't know how to help Mozart's wife. Just wish she is humble enough to realize what she is facing.
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Old 05-30-2011, 08:13 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Uptown,

Sorry to threadjack but I wanted to ask you something quick. My STBXW called me last night and told me over the phone that I sounded "good" and refreshed. She almost sounded dissappointed in her tone. What do you think ?
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Old 05-30-2011, 09:54 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Need help! Extremely jealous and angry wife.

Uptown that was a very large post and very insightful. Thanks for the welcome. I do not know if my wife has BPD but much of what you have said rings true in my situation. Just today we have had three separate arguments. First being of me flirting with her sister, second being of me no longer interested in her sexually, and the third of me not regretting looking at porn while we was dating.
I told her on so many occasions when she brings it up I have no interest in her sister.
I also explained or at least tried, that I am very attracted to her but it is hard for me at this moment to connect with her on that level.
As for the third argument she again brought up me looking at porn. I cracked and admitted I did not regret looking at it as we were only dating at the time. This sent her into a frenzy in which she told me she hated me and I was a terrible husband. At that point I got my keys and left. However here I am again back in the house. I do admit I would have stayed the night at my parents except I did not want to leave her here alone.

Everyone's post has been truly helpful and if anyone else has more advice I am all ears. I admit I am still confused, I am beyond the breaking point but if there is still hope I want to hold on. I fear though that I will have gone many years fighting only to finally realize it was inevitably going to end. I also fear that maybe I too am partially to blame. Maybe I don't show her enough love or am doing something wrong. Am I a jerk for thinking it was okay to look at porn while we was dating?
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Old 05-30-2011, 10:09 PM   #13 (permalink)
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My STBXW called me last night and told me over the phone that I sounded "good" and refreshed. She almost sounded dissappointed in her tone. What do you think?
Sanity, I have gone through your threads and can see that you have learned a lot about your W's strong BPD traits. I applaud your effort to learn about these traits. Yet, this question you pose -- where you are trying to tease meaning from her words and tone -- indicates you still do not appreciate the full implications of a woman being emotionally unstable. This also seems evident in your 3/17 statement:
Quote:
My wife knows she causes harm because hours later she will apologize for her destructive behavior.
Your W's apology at one point in time does NOT prove she was aware of causing harm earlier. Maybe she did but you cannot know that based solely on the apology. BPDers do splitting, wherein they will flip in 10 seconds from adoring you to hating you. This occurs because they are so intolerant of ambiguities and gray areas that they categorize everyone (including themselves) as "all good" or "all bad."

Hence, regardless of whether your W was splitting you white or black, she probably sincerely believed that distorted perception at the time she was doing it. When she is splitting you black, for example, she is able to believe you are evil because she projects all sorts of evil qualities onto you. Projection is a wonderful (albeit, primitive and childish) defense mechanism. It works so well because it works subconsciously, fooling her conscious mind into believing the projection -- at least for a few hours.

Granted, BPDers generally will tell lies when cornered, so she may have been lying to you at some point also. My point, then, is that her ability to see clearly enough to apologize at one point does not imply she was lying earlier. She may well have been sincere earlier (with her perception being distorted by her intense feelings). Or she could have been lying earlier.

As to your trying to tease meaning out of her recent words and tone, I just don't see how that effort is productive. A woman as unstable as your W appears to be does not know for sure herself how she feels about you because those feelings likely are changing daily, if not hour by hour. Hence, even if you could accurately discern what she is feeling or intending to say at the moment, all of that probably will be gone with the next intense feeling sweeping through her mind. IME, you cannot build up a lasting store of good will -- or a lasting sense of appreciation -- in a BPDer. There will be nothing like that on which you can later draw during the hard times. Like a sand castle beside the sea, the good will and appreciation will be gone with the next tide. This is why, with BPDers, it's always "What have you done for me lately?"
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Old 05-30-2011, 10:30 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Need help! Extremely jealous and angry wife.

Wow uptown I wish we could sit down with you for a beer. Your statement "What have you done for me lately" rings so true. Thanks!
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Old 05-30-2011, 10:39 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Need help! Extremely jealous and angry wife.

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I told her on so many occasions when she brings it up I have no interest in her sister. I also explained or at least tried, that I am very attracted to her but it is hard for me at this moment to connect with her on that level.
Mozart, you cannot discuss a sensitive issue in a rational way with anyone having strong BPD traits. Even if you wait until she is absolutely calm, raising the issue will trigger her enormous rage -- which is always there just under the surface. This means you have maybe 6 to 10 seconds of "calm" before she is angry. As soon as her feelings are intense, she does splitting, i.e., she splits off the logical, adult part of her mind and turns full control over to her intuitive inner child.

You've heard the expression, "Talk to the hand"? Well, this is a case of "Talk to the child." This is why, if your W has strong BPD traits, marriage counseling likely will be a total waste until your W learns how to manage her emotions well enough for you to be able to communicate with the adult part of her mind on emotional issues (i.e., on everything of any importance). This also is why one of the first things they teach BPDers in a treatment program is how to intellectually challenge intense feelings -- instead of simply accepting them as being facts and truth.
Quote:
As for the third argument she again brought up me looking at porn. I cracked and admitted I did not regret looking at it as we were only dating at the time. This sent her into a frenzy in which she told me she hated me and I was a terrible husband.
This is a textbook example of all-or-nothing thinking, which is a hallmark of BPDers. Whereas a normal W would think you are "an essentially good H who nonetheless sometimes looked at porn while dating," your W immediately classified you as "all bad." This black-white view of people is why your W likely has no long term close friends because, unless they live a long distance away, she drives people away by re-categorizing them and treating them badly.
Quote:
I do admit I would have stayed the night at my parents except I did not want to leave her here alone.
Your W must be allowed to suffer the logical consequences of her own bad actions. That is her only real chance of confronting her issues and learning to manage them. As long as you enable her to continue acting like a spoiled and controlling young child, she will continue throwing temper tantrums and hissy fits. From what you've told us today, it seems to me that she is back to bullying and controlling you again. And, by going back home "to help her," you are actually harming her by preventing her from learning how to grow up.
Quote:
Maybe I don't show her enough love or am doing something wrong.
If she has strong BPD traits, it is impossible to show her enough love.
Quote:
Am I a jerk for thinking it was okay to look at porn while we was dating?
If you were not so confused from being controlled and bullied by her temper tantrums, you would not be asking that question. Of course it was okay.
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